Can't get my wife off the phone and engaged in meaningful talks...

[Got it]

She suggested a concert and a play. Neither the musical group nor the particular play being performed are "my bag" but I'm willing to be flexible to get out of the house and get some momentum going behind date nights.

 

And am I expecting too much out of her? I don't know. I don't want it to sound like I'm giving up, especially since much of the advice on this thread has been to "take her to the lectures" or "engage her in the types of conversations you're having with the OW," but I'm just not sure my wife will ever been super into this sort of thing.

 

I totally understand and agree that spouses can have different "interests," such as the horse and soccer examples you gave (come to think of it, horse soccer might be awesome to watch). But I think my gripe is more than different interests. I guess I feel like there's a whole area of her brain she either doesn't use or doesn't use very often.

 

Okay but you are still too fresh into do a comparison. That isn't fair to her. She is in a competition that she doesn't know about right now. So yes I get that we wish our spouses are different is it a hill to die on? I wish my husband was less emotional and "Eeyore" like on things. I am a glass half full type of person and trigger on the negativity. Especially when complaining about things but not changing them. So, he hates his job, we have discussed him looking for another one but he hasn't done it. But I will mentally tally in my head how many days in a row he complains. It is every work day. Sigh.

 

But, is this a hill I want to die on? Throw out everything because he sees life differently than me? Nope. But if I had someone else I was comparing him to, someone that didn't seem like that, doesn't sound like he would come out well. In fact I did that with my ex husband in comparison to my now husband /AP. Now, granted, my ex was and is far more stuck/negative. But I can see now how many people are like this including my husband.

 

Some times we have to give more in some areas than others. Marriage isn't an even 50/50. But looking at the whole piece of the pie it is worth it to give more in that one section. My advice, don't give up on the marriage unless you have done everything you possibly can do to improve it. Go to MC, go to IC, be proactive on bringing up the issues. You don't want to look back and regret the decision. I don't regret my divorce, in fact we are both much happier and quite amicable. But I spent years trying to improve things, beg for therapy, etc. and get him to meet me half way.

 

So go to her concert and she will go to your lecture. And you both compromise, and neither was 100% into it but you did it because you cared. We give these gifts daily to our spouses to show them we care. She seems to be willing to do things you ask so appreciate that and keep asking. And make sure there is a fair exchange. Her doing them is showing you that she cares. You can't make her enjoy them as much as you, and I don't know if that is even fair to expect, but you can appreciate the heck out of the fact that because she loves you she wants to be apart of these things.

 

Just make sure you are seeing the full picture.

[CarrieT]

She is in a competition that she doesn't know about right now.

Repeated for truth!

[autumnnight]

Mighty, being intellectually compatible has always been important to me as it is to you, and there are some very creative and practical ways to help foster that in your interactions and conversations.

 

However, I feel for me to discuss those is like talking to a smoker who has lung cancer about improving his cancer....WITHOUT discussing the smoking. It is, in a word, pointless.

 

Some things cannot be arbitrarily separated.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I didn't read all.

 

 

Is this what you want with your wife?

 

 

[CarrieT]

I didn't read all.

 

Is this what you want with your wife?

 

 

I love that movie... :love:

 

Ironically, it *is* what I wanted with my husband - and got!

[privategal]

She suggested a concert and a play. Neither the musical group nor the particular play being performed are "my bag" but I'm willing to be flexible to get out of the house and get some momentum going behind date nights.

 

And am I expecting too much out of her? I don't know. I don't want it to sound like I'm giving up, especially since much of the advice on this thread has been to "take her to the lectures" or "engage her in the types of conversations you're having with the OW," but I'm just not sure my wife will ever been super into this sort of thing.

 

I totally understand and agree that spouses can have different "interests," such as the horse and soccer examples you gave (come to think of it, horse soccer might be awesome to watch). But I think my gripe is more than different interests. I guess I feel like there's a whole area of her brain she either doesn't use or doesn't use very often.

 

Gently...a male could never accept or appreciate or KNOW the depth and emotion an intricacy of a female brain.on the surface it may look superficial like Fb twitter or shopping...but its INTENSE to be a woman...to try to relate those hormones, deep insecurity or emotion to a man...its humiliating at times to share with a man the struggle, depth, intense passion and heart and conviction or insecurity...its ALOT going on in that mind of mine/hers.

 

The superficial things you see of her are only but an outlet to the thoughts, feeling, emotion, fear, questions about the world, things we dont understand, emotion and love only WE can relate to. i suggest to you that it takes security, bond, trust, undying love and the constant expression of wishing to lnow her mind, accept her regardless and even then...you will ONLY still scratch the surface of the inner workings of your wife and who she really is inside....as for a woman...it takes a VERY special partner to pull them out delicately as she will want to protect her dignity and humility...even if she has that special person... still...in my opinion...you will only know at best 70% of her because a woman's heart and soul and secrets are so guarded. This is only MY opinion...but you my dear are too absorbed in yourself maybe...your needs...busy judging her...but I actually think her intricate brain could run circles around yours ALL day.

This is in NO means to insult you...but rather to say a woman is complex, full of thoughts, strength, conviction, bravery, knowledge...a man could never comprehend. She shows to the world even her family what she wants to show or carefully express but she has MANY layers...much depth...itshust excruciating for a female to let someone in to her inner workings...often easier to rely on the simple superficial world of fb or the like where she can also relate safely and still connect but never ever assume thats all shes made up of. Shes a whole other WORLD inside.

Edited October 8, 2015 by privategal

[Got it]

Gently...a male could never accept or appreciate or KNOW the depth and emotion an intricacy of a female brain.on the surface it may look superficial like Fb twitter or shopping...but its INTENSE to be a woman...to try to relate those hormones, deep insecurity or emotion to a man...its humiliating at times to share with a man the struggle, depth, intense passion and heart and conviction or insecurity...its ALOT going on in that mind of mine/hers.

 

The superficial things you see of her are only but an outlet to the thoughts, feeling, emotion, fear, questions about the world, things we dont understand, emotion and love only WE can relate to. i suggest to you that it takes security, bond, trust, undying love and the constant expression of wishing to lnow her mind, accept her regardless and even then...you will ONLY still scratch the surface of the inner workings of your wife and who she really is inside....as for a woman...it takes a VERY special partner to pull them out delicately as she will want to protect her dignity and humility...even if she has that special person... still...in my opinion...you will only know at best 70% of her because a woman's heart and soul and secrets are so guarded. This is only MY opinion...but you my dear are too absorbed in yourself maybe...your needs...busy judging her...but I actually think her intricate brain could run circles around yours ALL day.

This is in NO means to insult you...but rather to say a woman is complex, full of thoughts, strength, conviction, bravery, knowledge...a man could never comprehend. She shows to the world even her family what she wants to show or carefully express but she has MANY layers...much depth...itshust excruciating for a female to let someone in to her inner workings...often easier to rely on the simple superficial world of fb or the like where she can also relate safely and still connect but never ever assume thats all shes made up of. Shes a whole other WORLD inside.

 

I am sorry and I strongly disagree. I think assuming that men are not as deep of thinkers/feelers as women is untrue and quite sexist. Nor do I think all women think/feel so deeply. It is a very individual thing and there are many individuals in both genders who are quite shallow in thinking and feeling.

 

I have no issues sharing my feeings with my husband and he seems to register them just fine. In fact I would say he is a far more emotional person than I am, and I am far more analytical. I will deep dive the "whys" and lines of logic and that drives him crazy.

 

So emotional intelligence, in fact this is supported by research, is not determined by gender or sex.

 

Wow, sorry but this is just WAY to Charlotte Bronte for me!

[MightyPen]

I will swing by again around lunchtime to address the most recent comments, but I wanted to say to Got It, that I also (over?)analyze almost everything, and it irritates my wife, who is much more of a "go with the flow" type of person. So I can definitely relate to your situation!

[MightyPen]

CarrieT, I know I must address the cell phone thing. It's out of control. My addiction is probably a 5 on a 1-10 scale. Hers is closer to an 8. I hate looking at her forehead all the time. And post-dinner walks should happen immediately. It's beautiful this time of year in my area. Even just a phones-free 20 minute walk (even with the kids) would be a nice break. We're just so rushed rushed rushed. From 5 until 8:30, it's a madhouse of work-to-home transition, supervising homework, cooking dinner, having dinner, cleaning up dinner, reading with the kids, making sure the kids take their showers, and sometimes reading a little more with the kids before they go to bed.

 

Got It, your "competition" statement is a fair one. I admit that my wife can't ever "win," especially when I'm always comparing her to my (very brilliant) friend. My friend has advanced degrees and is possibly smarter than me, which is intimidating but also very attractive. I find intelligence extremely sexy. So what will be my hill to die on? I'm not sure. It won't be today. And it won't be next year. Our kids are pretty young and I'm being pragmatic. It would really destroy our ability to save for their college if we broke up.

 

Clarence, Maybe not that intense all the time but honestly, yeah. I'd like some back and forth where she can challenge me on ideas and such.

 

Privategal, I'm going to have to disagree. I obviously have no first-hand experience on what it's like to be a woman, but I don't think female brains are some great mystery as many claim. We're both the same species. There are obviously differences but honestly if it would require some sort of Rubic's Cube Meets The Notebook approach to understand woman, I'd just say "Screw it" and stay single the rest of my life. I just want intellectual talks. There are millions and millions of women who love to engage in that sort of thing where I wouldn't have to "unravel" anything from their (female) brains.

 

Autumnnight, What you say is probably true in that I'm comparing my wife to an incredibly smart woman, but we're under orders to keep this thread on point. I have another thread in the "Friends and Lovers" section where people are currently beating me up about my "secret friend." Feel free to jump in there if you'd like (I don't mean that in a sarcastic way).

Edited October 8, 2015 by MightyPen

[autumnnight]

Actually, YOU can choose to discuss whatever YOU want.

 

However, like I said, I cannot discuss my favorite shirt while at the same time not discussing fabric, which is what discussing a marital issue where the contrast effect is in play is like, so I'll bow out.

[Got it]

But Mighty, are you comparing fairly? We are the sum of our parts, so yes this may be one area that she is not a heavy weight. But if other attributes more than outshine make sure you are focusing on them as well.

 

I think sometimes we see what we want to see. Make sure you are clearly looking at reality. I would recommend MC for you two, see where things stand. You know it is amazing that no matter how well we know someone there is still so much we don't know about them.

[MightyPen]

Actually, YOU can choose to discuss whatever YOU want.

 

However, like I said, I cannot discuss my favorite shirt while at the same time not discussing fabric, which is what discussing a marital issue where the contrast effect is in play is like, so I'll bow out.

 

 

The "special friendship" has been terminated, in case you didn't know. I wasn't sure if you had posted in my other thread.

[MightyPen]

But Mighty, are you comparing fairly? We are the sum of our parts, so yes this may be one area that she is not a heavy weight. But if other attributes more than outshine make sure you are focusing on them as well.

 

I think sometimes we see what we want to see. Make sure you are clearly looking at reality. I would recommend MC for you two, see where things stand. You know it is amazing that no matter how well we know someone there is still so much we don't know about them.

 

 

Yeah I want to bring up MC, but I want to bring it up in a way that doesn't freak her out.

 

I feel the need to vent about quite a few things, and I'm sure she has plenty of things to vent about as well. A neutral third-party would be helpful.