Soccerdude6917 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 So i have a huge dilemma here guys and i really need some advice.. I've been dating this girl for 9 months now, and I just found out that a couple weeks before I asked her to be my girlfriend, she made out with some guy at a party. I even saw text messages of her telling her best friend so I have solid proof. One of her friends that was at the party even had to pull her off of the guy because they knew we were talking. We had been "talking" for several months before that and she knew this was leading to a relationship. The worst part is when I asked her if anything happened that night, she lied to my face and swore that she didn't do anything. I really love this girl and I thought she was the one but now I'm having second thoughts... Any advice on what I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Around Nine months in and you just discovered this? I know some people are going to use the Semantics argument in order to tell you it's no big deal, but the fact is she lied to you and has been keeping the lie going. Life is too short to spend with someone like this. Cut your losses. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 You were "just talking" when it happened, she didn't owe you anything, including details about makeouts that happened prior to you establishing exclusivity. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Okay, you were unoffical, you had not had any relationship talk, and it was BEFORE you decided to become a couple. Did you ask her about it and she actually lied, or did you just find out? If you were not official it was not cheating. Just because she is a woman doesn't mean we need to jump on the "she's trash" train. You were not a couple; she didn't owe you anything 5 Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Srsly. You haven't had the talk about being exclusive and you've been dating for nine months. Are you interested in a relationship or what? Sorry, sounds like typical guy who just feels a gal wondering, "are we together or not?" Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Around Nine months in and you just discovered this? I know some people are going to use the Semantics argument in order to tell you it's no big deal, but the fact is she lied to you and has been keeping the lie going. Life is too short to spend with someone like this. Cut your losses. Did you even read all the details, or are you just one of those women=guilty guys? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Man, I miss the days when boys asked girls to go steady. It was so clean and easy. OP, don't assume that someone "knows" where a relationship is leading or that they "know" what you think or feel. I hope you work it out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Multiple dating when no discussion has been made as to be exclusive is not cheating. Many people multiple date and can handle it. Many people cannot handle multiple dating. This is why the wheels fall off of many relationships because the partner that is not multiple dating is not doing so because they feel it is not right for them to do so. So they think that their new BF/GF shares the same values as they do and therefore assume they to would not multiple date on them. If I liked a girl enough to ask her out I would not even think about multiple dating. For if the 1st date went well I would want a 2nd date. For it confirmed my feelings that she was a woman that I would want to have a long term exclusive relationship. No need to muddy up the water and cause hurt feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinx01 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 If you where "talking" you weren't an official couple and what she did then is not your business. Until you are officially a couple it is not cheating. It's not really okay to dredge up stuff a people do before you are an official couple even if they lie about it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Silverlight Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Considering it was outside the relationship, I wouldn't be too alarmed about it. While it is worrying because it questions the validity of her attraction to you, she didn't necessarily break any rules. I would just cool it for now, as to not push her away. Always remain vigilant though, her lie about the situation could be an indicator for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Please point out where she lied Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Please point out where she lied The worst part is when I asked her if anything happened that night, she lied to my face and swore that she didn't do anything. Maybe they weren't official but it's not a great sign. Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Please point out where she lied The worst part is when I asked her if anything happened that night, she lied to my face and swore that she didn't do anything. Looks like it's YOU the one who doesn't read all the details, after all... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
italianjob Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 It doesn't really matter much if she did technically cheat on you or not... You don't have to convince any court about this, nor you can pronounce her guilty or absolve her in any way... The only thing that really matters is what YOU feel about this... Does it feel like she cheated and/or deceived you? Is your trust gone or mostly gone? Then maybe you should call it quits and find someone else... The answer to your question is in how you feel about it, and nowhere else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Looks like it's YOU the one who doesn't read all the details, after all... You get a prize. I read too fast. Since she lied, OP, about what happened before you were official, maybe you should just break up. Then you won't have to worry about future lies. Or how many partners she's had. Or whether she remembers any of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 You weren't exclusive, weren't a couple, so she owes you no explanations or excuses for what she did. It's not good that she lied about it, but if you've given signs that you're irrationally jealous over this, then I can't blame her for trying to protect herself in the face of wrongful accusations. If she did anything like this AFTER you'd become a couple, then you have cause. Otherwise, you really don't. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 The worst part is when I asked her if anything happened that night, she lied to my face and swore that she didn't do anything. Maybe they weren't official but it's not a great sign. Who cares if the weren't official? It does not matter if they were standing on the heads. You do not have to be anything to hook up. What your statement shows is that do not recognize that your and your GF were not official at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 So how have been the last 9 months?? Great? No problems? Then drop this whole thing before it ruins what you have established. Put yourself in her shoes (back then). You would have done the same thing if not gone further if you had a hot chick eagerly wanted to get physical with you at a party. In fact you would have punched out your friend for interfering from getting some. Oh and stop snooping in your GF's messages.....so low. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 You need to deal with the lying because if they can lie to you they can do things that are a lot worse. You need to tell her you know then decide if her explanation is enough for you. She must of known she did something wrong if she has to cover it up with a lie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 We had been "talking" for several months before that and she knew this was leading to a relationship. How did she know that? Did she sign a contract saying she was due to enter a relationship with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Did you even read all the details, or are you just one of those women=guilty guys? Yes I did read the entire thing. The thing is, I don't have more than 6 Thousand posts in the course of less than a year so as opposed to you I actually go outside and sample life. I suggest you do the same. Being here so much will turn your mind into mush,as evidenced by the Lion's share of your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Even in business relationships, good faith (implying total honesty) in negotiation of business relationships and contracts is required by law, so that nobody's "legitimate expectations" get screwed over. Why should we have different standards for romance? Love is a matter of heart (to simplify it) and not a line on a football field, that you either cross or not and many relationships start out slowly and at some undetermined point turn into relationships. If you feel she betrayed you then she did. If she doesn't feel that she betrayed you then it is for her to feel... it reflects what was in her heart and mind at the time. HOWEVER, having said all that - HER LIES are a way worse than her act, as you yourself acknowledge. Act is very debatable under the circumstances. But she is now lying to you about it. Why? If you guys were not even exclusive she should be comfortable in coming out and telling you about it ESPECIALLY when asked about it. Instead, she chose to lie. If she cannot be straight about this, what can she be straight about? Here is from a person who was in similar situation and stayed and forgave... and had to face that situation plenty more times. I mean, the lying partner. If she does not fully acknowledge her issue NOW and work on herself FROM TODAY (for example, read about what lying does to a relationship, how to open up and be vulnerable, say the worst things about herself to her partner) she will always fall into the same pattern of hiding stuff from you. She will ruin her relationship and both of your happiness in it. Tell her that. My advice is this too: have boundaries that you will not let her cross. Make sure there are some real consequences for her behaviour, otherwise she will have no incentive to really try and improve. Right now, withdraw a bit and tell her that she disappointed you and you need time to think. Let her be with no contact from you for a period of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 You need to deal with the lying because if they can lie to you they can do things that are a lot worse. You need to tell her you know then decide if her explanation is enough for you. She must of known she did something wrong if she has to cover it up with a lie. Bingo!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 You need to deal with the lying because if they can lie to you they can do things that are a lot worse. You need to tell her you know then decide if her explanation is enough for you. She must of known she did something wrong if she has to cover it up with a lie. Can I ask....who is "they"? Is he dating multiple women? Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 So how have been the last 9 months?? Great? No problems? Then drop this whole thing before it ruins what you have established. Put yourself in her shoes (back then). You would have done the same thing if not gone further if you had a hot chick eagerly wanted to get physical with you at a party. In fact you would have punched out your friend for interfering from getting some. Oh and stop snooping in your GF's messages.....so low. I absolutely despise reading such assumptions about people on LS and that is truly disappointing and low. I do not respect views like that. Are you talking about yourself here, and not about a guy you know nothing about? Think about it. In fact, from what he wrote I would rather think he would NOT do the same. But that is just a conjecture and it is not even relevant to the topic what he would do. His biggest concern is her honesty at this point. Pretty sure he can find a way to forgive the act. Link to post Share on other sites
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