so... does time heal old wounds?

[aeros]

Been lurking on here for a while, first time posting.

 

I'll try and keep it as concise as possible and also provide cliffs at the end. It's quite late here, so I don't know how much of this is going to make sense or if it's going to be all over the place, but here goes...

 

Several years ago, I got introduced to a good friends girlfriend (who lives in another city to me) for the first time (we've been speaking online because he introduced me to her through messenger etc, just run of the mill chit chat, nothing more). I eventually met her in person a year later - instantly I felt a connection with this woman, I just kept it as it has always been, just chatting to her as you'd do with your mates gf's when they're around, or over messenger, and my mate knew about this, nothing to hide, he encouraged me to talk to her because she doesn't have many friends (they both moved interstate to study, so they were fairly new to the city). So we kept talking as friends, but I started catching feelings for this woman over the course of a year or two, we met up a few times (when my mate was around too). **** at this point I feel this is going to drag on for pages and who the hell wants to read all that bull ****, but I'll keep going it, and whoever wants can read the cliffs at the bottom.

 

They'd have their ups and downs and she'd always run to me to talk about it, and I just kept it neutral, didn't side with either one, didn't white knight myself to lean towards her side all the time - she became a shoulder to cry on so to speak, but I knew I couldn't always be the one who she ran to, because at this point, I started catching feelings hard - wanted to distance myself because I don't want to betray my friend and do anything I'm going to regret - so I kept my distance without coming across as a dickhead, and lo and behold she called me out on it, and asked why I was avoiding her - I didn't want to bring anything up because I know it's just going to be a mess, even though I knew their relationship was on the rocks, they both suggested that they wanted a way out, my friend more so than her, he wanted to break up with her...

 

However I just couldn't be that guy who would pounce at the opportunity to scoop her up if that ever did happen. So several weeks past without any contact with her - then she messages me out of the blue and asked me to be completely direct with her because she knew something was up - I tried with everything in me to ignore her and not say a damn thing. But being an idiot at the time, I just said '**** it' cuz I knew they were going to break up sooner or later - I told her I had a thing for her for a while, but could never act on it because shes my good mates girlfriend, and to my shock, she told me she felt the same... I was in awe, because now I'm in a situation where I know that she felt something towards me, but she's still with my mate, who is on the verge of breaking up with her, and even if they did break up, I'd be a complete ******* if I just did go after her right after that happened... So I told her I had to tell you, but nothing can happen. She agreed.

 

Fast forward a month later, I moved to the city they both lived in for short contract work, I told her about me coming down there, and she instantly told me that I could stay with her for as long as I need, until I find accommodation (by this stage, they had just broken up, like a week into it). Me being a dick, I went behind my friends back and took her up on the offer of staying with her... First night we just talked and chilled, she was doing work on her laptop, and I was laying in her bed (fully clothed) just chatting with her but was extremely tired from the long drive, and just passed out - I woke up around 3am and was shocked because I had no idea where I was, and then it hit me... I'm in her bed, and I feel her arm on the side of my belly, I could have made a move, I could have ****ed her that night, but because I'm a loyal guy, I couldn't do that to my mate, **** his ex-gf right after they broke up.. so I just went back to sleep, stayed at her house for another few nights, but slept in a different room, and she'd always come check up on me in the morning, and I was just thinking the whole time what a stupid move I did by agreeing to stay with her at her place, because I think she wanted something to happen, but I've known my friend for half of my life, I couldn't bring myself to it.... didn't end up doing ****. I think she got the picture that I wasn't interested in her anymore.. she started hanging around random guys after that (not because she's a whore, she always needs attention, she had a ****ed up childhood, molested by teachers etc in school) but yeah, I just couldn't take it anymore, i was in a very ****ed up predicament - so I wrote her a long letter, explaining that it can never happen, cuz of my mate, and as much as I'd love for it to happen, I'd lose him as a friend, and I don't think it's worth it, packed all my **** and just left her house.

 

Fast forward to that afternoon, I told my mate about the guys she was spending time with, and it turns out he knows the guy and he's an absolute sleaze bag, and he got pissed that she's talking to him, cuz he knows that he only wants to **** her and leave (which happened to be the case, we found out he tried to **** her, and she said no, and stopped talking to him, she's quite naive) so he called her and said he's coming over to chat to her, and he told me that she sounded very upset on the phone (because of the letter I was assuming). I was thinking, I hope she doesn't say **** to him about the letter (yeah, cunt move right?) Anyway I drove him there, I parked outside, he called her saying he's outside, she was bawling her eyes out at the time. I waited in the car for a good hour and a half. Then he calls me, and says 'she wants to have a chat with you, can you come inside?' and I told him, it's ok, I'd rather not, let's just go and leave her be' and he agreed and said he'd be out in a minute. I'm chilling in the car, and gazing out the window, I see her walk out onto her driveway, and look at the car, and start walking up (without him being there yet). She starts walking up, and then I see him follow about 50 metres behind her, she approaches my window with a sobbing face, and says 'can we please talk?' and at this point I'm pissed, because I know nothing can happen between us, so I just say 'I have absolutely nothing to say to you' and my friend jumps in the car, and I just drive off, while shes still standing in the middle of the road crying - yeah, dramatic ain't it..

 

I get a text from her that night saying same ****, how it's misunderstanding and she understands it won't work blah blah... I ignore.. 3 months later she messages me out of the blue asking how I'm doing, and again, I just ignore her.

 

She moves on after about 6 months gets another boyfriend - I move on also, but not really, because I really did have an amazing connection with this woman, as time goes on, I realize I could have handled the situation better than I did. Two years later, I go to her city again, I'm out with friends for her bday party, and call it fate, but as I'm walking down this grimey little alley way full of restaurants, I see her walk out of a restaurant with her current boyfriend, she sees me and her face looks like she saw a ghost. I was kind of the same, I just turned to my female friend, and just start talking random **** to her to look like I'm pre occupied, and she starts walking up towards behind me, I could hear her footsteps, but I didn't turn around, my female friend at the time said shes right behind you, and I said something about a restaurant I was gazing into. She turns around and starts to walk away with her boyfriend, I look back and I see her head is down and looking gloomy and upset. I felt bad, but I just couldn't muster up anything to say to her, cuz it took me by surprise, later on that night I message her, and she said she wanted to really talk to me, blah blah, I go back to my own city, and just forget about it.

 

She broke up with that one guy, and is now with another guy it's been 8 years now from the day I left her standing in the middle of the road until now... I'm currently sharing a house with my friend (her ex boyfriend, who I haven't told anything about the situation, because frankly, nothing happened). He mentioned to me that she still lives here, and works close by at a Doctors clinic (she's a doctor). My friend is absolutely over her, and thinks she's a nut case and doesn't want **** to with her, and I jokingly said that you should just hit her up and see if shes keen for a fling. He said no way, but 'you're more than welcome to go for it, you've got my blessing'.

 

I don't know what to do - It's been 8 years, the feelings that I've once had for her are no longer as strong as they used to be, but I recently stalked her on google (go ahead, judge me), and saw her photo, and **** it brought back memories/feelings. I want to meet up with her, doesn't even have to be on a date per say (wouldn't mind taking her out, but that isn't what the initial intention is for) just want to tell her all that **** that happened in the past was for a reason, because I felt bad for ignoring her attempts to reach out to me several times. I know where she works (my friend told me), she still lives in the same house as I stayed in 8 years ago.

 

Now my question is, what do you guys/girls think I should do? Do you think I should just let it go, or should I go and make a connection with her (keeping in mind she has a boyfriend, who is interstate, and I'm certain that it isn't very genuine, I know her inside out, she's been through a lot of **** as a teenager, abused etc, she NEEDS to be with someone at all times.

 

I've asked some friends, some say I should just go for it and talk to her as a friend, nothing to lose, you'd just be back at square one. Others tell me to avoid it, because she could just not be interested in talking/associating with you anymore, as she could have moved right along with her life, I mean it's been 8 years. I'm stuck guys...

 

Any input, negative/positive is welcome, and also, suggestions/advice from women are very welcome.

 

CLIFFS:

- met good friends gf, started catching feelings

- they break up, I damn near end up hooking up with her

- figure it's wrong, and just write her a letter (addressing her hanging out with that random dude, when she said she had 'feelings for me'

- she cries and tries to reach out (I think it's because she just wants some attention)

- i ignore her for 8 years

- move back into city she lives in, she pictures of her, find out where she works (no stalker)

- don't know what to do about the situation

- pls respond

 

sorry about it being so long - if anyone took the time to read it, I much appreciate it

[buck3200]

Been lurking on here for a while, first time posting.

 

I'll try and keep it as concise as possible and also provide cliffs at the end. It's quite late here, so I don't know how much of this is going to make sense or if it's going to be all over the place, but here goes...

 

Several years ago, I got introduced to a good friends girlfriend (who lives in another city to me) for the first time (we've been speaking online because he introduced me to her through messenger etc, just run of the mill chit chat, nothing more). I eventually met her in person a year later - instantly I felt a connection with this woman, I just kept it as it has always been, just chatting to her as you'd do with your mates gf's when they're around, or over messenger, and my mate knew about this, nothing to hide, he encouraged me to talk to her because she doesn't have many friends (they both moved interstate to study, so they were fairly new to the city). So we kept talking as friends, but I started catching feelings for this woman over the course of a year or two, we met up a few times (when my mate was around too). **** at this point I feel this is going to drag on for pages and who the hell wants to read all that bull ****, but I'll keep going it, and whoever wants can read the cliffs at the bottom.

 

They'd have their ups and downs and she'd always run to me to talk about it, and I just kept it neutral, didn't side with either one, didn't white knight myself to lean towards her side all the time - she became a shoulder to cry on so to speak, but I knew I couldn't always be the one who she ran to, because at this point, I started catching feelings hard - wanted to distance myself because I don't want to betray my friend and do anything I'm going to regret - so I kept my distance without coming across as a dickhead, and lo and behold she called me out on it, and asked why I was avoiding her - I didn't want to bring anything up because I know it's just going to be a mess, even though I knew their relationship was on the rocks, they both suggested that they wanted a way out, my friend more so than her, he wanted to break up with her...

 

However I just couldn't be that guy who would pounce at the opportunity to scoop her up if that ever did happen. So several weeks past without any contact with her - then she messages me out of the blue and asked me to be completely direct with her because she knew something was up - I tried with everything in me to ignore her and not say a damn thing. But being an idiot at the time, I just said '**** it' cuz I knew they were going to break up sooner or later - I told her I had a thing for her for a while, but could never act on it because shes my good mates girlfriend, and to my shock, she told me she felt the same... I was in awe, because now I'm in a situation where I know that she felt something towards me, but she's still with my mate, who is on the verge of breaking up with her, and even if they did break up, I'd be a complete ******* if I just did go after her right after that happened... So I told her I had to tell you, but nothing can happen. She agreed.

 

Fast forward a month later, I moved to the city they both lived in for short contract work, I told her about me coming down there, and she instantly told me that I could stay with her for as long as I need, until I find accommodation (by this stage, they had just broken up, like a week into it). Me being a dick, I went behind my friends back and took her up on the offer of staying with her... First night we just talked and chilled, she was doing work on her laptop, and I was laying in her bed (fully clothed) just chatting with her but was extremely tired from the long drive, and just passed out - I woke up around 3am and was shocked because I had no idea where I was, and then it hit me... I'm in her bed, and I feel her arm on the side of my belly, I could have made a move, I could have ****ed her that night, but because I'm a loyal guy, I couldn't do that to my mate, **** his ex-gf right after they broke up.. so I just went back to sleep, stayed at her house for another few nights, but slept in a different room, and she'd always come check up on me in the morning, and I was just thinking the whole time what a stupid move I did by agreeing to stay with her at her place, because I think she wanted something to happen, but I've known my friend for half of my life, I couldn't bring myself to it.... didn't end up doing ****. I think she got the picture that I wasn't interested in her anymore.. she started hanging around random guys after that (not because she's a whore, she always needs attention, she had a ****ed up childhood, molested by teachers etc in school) but yeah, I just couldn't take it anymore, i was in a very ****ed up predicament - so I wrote her a long letter, explaining that it can never happen, cuz of my mate, and as much as I'd love for it to happen, I'd lose him as a friend, and I don't think it's worth it, packed all my **** and just left her house.

 

Fast forward to that afternoon, I told my mate about the guys she was spending time with, and it turns out he knows the guy and he's an absolute sleaze bag, and he got pissed that she's talking to him, cuz he knows that he only wants to **** her and leave (which happened to be the case, we found out he tried to **** her, and she said no, and stopped talking to him, she's quite naive) so he called her and said he's coming over to chat to her, and he told me that she sounded very upset on the phone (because of the letter I was assuming). I was thinking, I hope she doesn't say **** to him about the letter (yeah, cunt move right?) Anyway I drove him there, I parked outside, he called her saying he's outside, she was bawling her eyes out at the time. I waited in the car for a good hour and a half. Then he calls me, and says 'she wants to have a chat with you, can you come inside?' and I told him, it's ok, I'd rather not, let's just go and leave her be' and he agreed and said he'd be out in a minute. I'm chilling in the car, and gazing out the window, I see her walk out onto her driveway, and look at the car, and start walking up (without him being there yet). She starts walking up, and then I see him follow about 50 metres behind her, she approaches my window with a sobbing face, and says 'can we please talk?' and at this point I'm pissed, because I know nothing can happen between us, so I just say 'I have absolutely nothing to say to you' and my friend jumps in the car, and I just drive off, while shes still standing in the middle of the road crying - yeah, dramatic ain't it..

 

I get a text from her that night saying same ****, how it's misunderstanding and she understands it won't work blah blah... I ignore.. 3 months later she messages me out of the blue asking how I'm doing, and again, I just ignore her.

 

She moves on after about 6 months gets another boyfriend - I move on also, but not really, because I really did have an amazing connection with this woman, as time goes on, I realize I could have handled the situation better than I did. Two years later, I go to her city again, I'm out with friends for her bday party, and call it fate, but as I'm walking down this grimey little alley way full of restaurants, I see her walk out of a restaurant with her current boyfriend, she sees me and her face looks like she saw a ghost. I was kind of the same, I just turned to my female friend, and just start talking random **** to her to look like I'm pre occupied, and she starts walking up towards behind me, I could hear her footsteps, but I didn't turn around, my female friend at the time said shes right behind you, and I said something about a restaurant I was gazing into. She turns around and starts to walk away with her boyfriend, I look back and I see her head is down and looking gloomy and upset. I felt bad, but I just couldn't muster up anything to say to her, cuz it took me by surprise, later on that night I message her, and she said she wanted to really talk to me, blah blah, I go back to my own city, and just forget about it.

 

She broke up with that one guy, and is now with another guy it's been 8 years now from the day I left her standing in the middle of the road until now... I'm currently sharing a house with my friend (her ex boyfriend, who I haven't told anything about the situation, because frankly, nothing happened). He mentioned to me that she still lives here, and works close by at a Doctors clinic (she's a doctor). My friend is absolutely over her, and thinks she's a nut case and doesn't want **** to with her, and I jokingly said that you should just hit her up and see if shes keen for a fling. He said no way, but 'you're more than welcome to go for it, you've got my blessing'.

 

I don't know what to do - It's been 8 years, the feelings that I've once had for her are no longer as strong as they used to be, but I recently stalked her on google (go ahead, judge me), and saw her photo, and **** it brought back memories/feelings. I want to meet up with her, doesn't even have to be on a date per say (wouldn't mind taking her out, but that isn't what the initial intention is for) just want to tell her all that **** that happened in the past was for a reason, because I felt bad for ignoring her attempts to reach out to me several times. I know where she works (my friend told me), she still lives in the same house as I stayed in 8 years ago.

 

Now my question is, what do you guys/girls think I should do? Do you think I should just let it go, or should I go and make a connection with her (keeping in mind she has a boyfriend, who is interstate, and I'm certain that it isn't very genuine, I know her inside out, she's been through a lot of **** as a teenager, abused etc, she NEEDS to be with someone at all times.

 

I've asked some friends, some say I should just go for it and talk to her as a friend, nothing to lose, you'd just be back at square one. Others tell me to avoid it, because she could just not be interested in talking/associating with you anymore, as she could have moved right along with her life, I mean it's been 8 years. I'm stuck guys...

 

Any input, negative/positive is welcome, and also, suggestions/advice from women are very welcome.

 

CLIFFS:

- met good friends gf, started catching feelings

- they break up, I damn near end up hooking up with her

- figure it's wrong, and just write her a letter (addressing her hanging out with that random dude, when she said she had 'feelings for me'

- she cries and tries to reach out (I think it's because she just wants some attention)

- i ignore her for 8 years

- move back into city she lives in, she pictures of her, find out where she works (no stalker)

- don't know what to do about the situation

- pls respond

 

sorry about it being so long - if anyone took the time to read it, I much appreciate it

 

I'm 53...I regret the things I didn't do far more than the things I've done....enough said....

[kendahke]

Leave her be.

 

If you can't stand in your truth and take your butt whippin' for it, then that truth isn't yours.

 

If your truth was that you felt you had a connection with her, then you should have risked losing your boy's friendship and told him the truth... I take it he still doesn't know that you and she were closer than he'd ever imagined you were back when he first broke up with her. Lying by omission is still lying.

 

If I was her, I wouldn't have anything to do with you. You'd made your position more than clear 8 years ago.

 

Time wouldn't heal this...

[aeros]

I'm 53...I regret the things I didn't do far more than the things I've done....enough said....

 

Thanks mate, always appreciate advice from elders.

 

If I was her, I wouldn't have anything to do with you. You'd made your position more than clear 8 years ago.

 

The thing is when I bumped into her several years after the incident happened, and messaged her, she said she wanted to talk. However the circumstances around the time didn't let that happen. I forgot to mention that after that night she saw me outside the restaurant, that I saw her on that same weekend at my friends graduation, and we spoke there, but it was just quick exchanges, 'how have you been' etc, nothing more than that (I was with a friend when she bumped into me at the graduation, so couldn't really get a chance to talk to her properly). So she had reached out more than once, I guess what I was asking is that if I'd be wasting my time reaching out to her now, me putting in the effort.

 

Also in regards to your statement about risked losing a friendship over a girl, that's quite stupid to be quite frank, because at the time, if I did say anything to him, it'd be the worst timing for both of them, I'd be being selfish. At the risk of losing both of them at the expense of what 'may' have been at the time. The timing of the whole situation was just a mess, I don't regret telling her what I felt, I do regret telling her at the time I told her. I kept quiet and suffered in silence

 

The connection I had with her was real - I don't feel the same way about her anymore, as I've stated in my previous post. I don't connect on high levels with many people, so I miss having that with her, even on a friendship basis.

Edited October 3, 2015 by aeros

[buck3200]

I once had a very good friend staying with me. We had kinda drifted apart for awhile, but had recently reconnected. We were early thirties, and having plenty of fun partying. He had a GF, but was also screwing around with a girl that we had met partying. The GF was a fun girl and was flirty. So when they had a fight and broke up, I asked if he minded if I got some of Veronica. He could have said no....hell,he could have said nothing, and I would have kept hands off. But he said "yeah sure"

 

So I did...he finds out...gets butt hurt and moves out. Never spoke to him again.

 

I need men that are full of **** in my life even less than I need women that are....

[kgcolonel]

This is very similar to my and my wife's situation. Was introduce to my wife while visiting a buddy to go play tennis....she was waiting at the same house to double date with a highschool friend of ours (6 years post highschool). She and the date also my friend from HS had previously been an item for a year or so but had since broken up.

 

My tennis buddy asked what I thought of her, I said that "if she is half as nice and she is pretty, I'd marry her". He set me up with her for a group date the next night and we were married 6 months later....I went to the buddy that she had previously dated and had a frank talk with him prior as to if he had any issues with this I would definitely back off. He gave me his blessing and in fact we have socialized ever since. We have now been married for 33 years.....

 

You need to follow your heart on this one. Don't betray your mate but have a candid conversation with him, not about the details of the past but about any reluctance he might have if your engaged her for a potential friendship / relationship. If he says go for it, you should see what it might develop into.