When do you know your happy alone?

[Helz87]

Hi all

 

So a bit of background - split with my ex 18 months ago I was the dumper we have a son and I moved home he lived in our old house. Neither of us have let go since the split the relationship was always toxic cheating abuse etc from both sides which I've now learnt to accept and am finally starting to heal since we went NC or as much as we can apart from contact due to child.

 

From moving home I always thought I was ok alone I enjoy my own company and was happy with a quite weekend alone with my son after a busy week at work. Since I've started to heal from the split I've unearthed so many deep issues I'm struggling to know who I am anymore. I've realised I'm not in fact happy alone I'm codependent (this was masked due to the fact I was in contact with my ex) have an addiction to shopping/material things the Internet etc.

 

I know that realising all of this is my first step to growth but i just feel empty I've dug deeper and always thought when I got with my ex I was in a happy place and that's why he came along ive since realised I wasn't and was suffering abandenment issues from my childhood and my mum had just moved to another country. This is all such a massive blow to me because I just don't know my identity anymore, my question is when do you know? What do I need to do to become me? I'm prepared to be alone for as long as it takes as I know meeting someone is not the answer to my problems which unbelievably I always thought was.

 

Thanks for listening If you managed to get this far xx

[casey.lives]

When your relationships have been sad and depressing and you were alone anyways. Being alone ALONE is better.

[Helz87]

But that's what I mean I already feel that I'm comfortable alone but I'm not happy, I guess I'm on a bit of a journey of self discovery and I'm picking everything apart because this is the first time I'm truly been on my own for 10 years.

[sportygirl89]

When you have mostly happy days or days at least where you're content. Took me a dog and two cats later for that. At least while I'm alone I have some company now Also helps for new hobbies and stuff.

[Grumpybutfun]

Being lonely after being in a relationship for any length of time isn't unusual. You invested a lot of time and commitment, not to mention a child, in this relationship. You are unhappy because of what you unearthed, not that he is gone. You unearthed a woman who doesn't live up to your values or expectations, who compromised herself for others or for her ego.

The good news is that self discovery isn't about finding yourself but creating yourself. You need to figure out your passion...what job or career makes you happy to be alive each day? Nursing, mechanic or mother....put yourself into it as it breeds confidence and makes you feel as though you are contributing to the world.

Decide what kind of woman you are and write down your values...integrity, honor, loyalty, fun, passion, victim....when you get them all down, see if any of them contributed to your break up....reexamine and prioritize values that serve you and your child.

You noticed I didn't mention a romantic love life...that is because until you get healthy and understand the dysfunction dynamics of your last relationship, you need to be a mother and rock to your little boy, focusing on improvement and not ever getting into another relationship that exposes him to anything other than stability, kindness and happiness.

Best,

Grumps

[SerCay]

If you are unhappy when you are single, that means you have no connection to yourself, no relationship with yourself.

No man, woman or relationship will ever be able to make you happy either, is you have lost this connection to yourself. You will just be alone in a relationship.

 

My advice is to reconnect with yourself. Find out who you are. A mate should complement you not give meaning to your existence.

[Helz87]

Thank you all some really good advice here! May take me a little while but I'm determined to get to my true happy place!