Am I selfish or being stupid?

[anyone]

Ok, here's the situation. My wife and I dated for 5 years and married about 8 months ago. In the beginning there was some spark and intimacy, but we waited until marriage to start having sex. In the last 2 or so years of dating, there was a lot less intimacy and 'fooling around', but the love was definitely there.

 

After the wedding, the honeymoon was great. We had a great time and were very intimate. Since then, it has just died. Maybe every other month we have sex, and it is always 'special occasion' sex. This is one part of my problem. I would love to have it once a week, and would settle for once every two weeks, but every other month is ridiculous. My wife was in a job that was very stressful, so I understood, but she has recently taken a job within the last month which she really likes, and also likes the attention that she gets from the guys that come in everyday.

 

She also has recently been spending a lot of time with her friends lately, who all live out of town (within an hour and a half drive). Out of the six, three are married, my wife and two of her friends. One of them is married to a baseball player who is never around. She has been spending an obscene amount of time on the phone with them lately. From the time she gets home from work, during dinner, until she gets in the bed (which is usually around 8 o'clock) to watch her favorite tv shows (or TIVO).

 

I guess my problem is twofold. The sex is something I am concerned with, but the attention I am not receiving is what is hitting home more. Whenever her friends are in town, she usually goes out with them, and calls me later, usually to pick her up, but sometimes to join. Whenever she is with her friends, she ends up getting really drunk, and is always tired and 'worthless' the next day. I really don't mind her hanging out with her friends and talking to them, but how can I ask for a little attention without upsetting her? I mean, I try to do a lot of little things, which she likes, but has grown to expect. Flowers on every month anniversary, doing all the house chores (cooking, cleaning, laundry), ironing her clothes, while she goes out and shops and hangs out with her friends. I know that you all probably think that it is my fault for doing this in the first place, which it probably is, but I really don't mind it if I get attention in return.

 

Lately, at work, she's been hanging with an older guy who I guess is similar to her in thinking that they are 'rock stars' and enjoy going out all the time and she says that they talk about how his wife and me are so similar. I'm just wondering if it is this guy, who is older than her, saying that it is all right to be this way, causing her to feel like she can do it to. I mean I really love her and want her to be happy, but anytime I bring up anything to her, which is usually right before she goes to bed because I can never get her attention, she always tells me 'not now, I'm tired'. I get upset, and then she gets mad at me for getting upset for not respecting her being tired. It's a never ending cycle.

 

I am starting to think about whether or not I am having second thoughts about being married, or if it is my insecurity or selfishness of her having fun without me. All I can say is that it is really bothering me, and it's impossible to talk to her about it. Am I being selfish or stupid?

[Marshbear]

Neither. You are being concerned. Anytime you see a change in behavior with your SO it should send up a red flag. Having sex 1 every couple of months is something to be very concerned about. The fact she likes attention from guys at work but doesn't really like or want your attention is a big red flag. She would rather hang out with friends than you is a big red flag.

 

You need to make sure she knows how you feel and that you are not happy with your marriage. This is your W and if you can't talk to her about things who can you talk to. Make sure she knows you need to talk and set up a time ( not bed time ) to discuss it.

 

Get it out in the open and find out where her head is in your relationship. I hope things are not as bad as you think but you need to know. Don't take no for an answer.

 

Good Luck...

[RecordProducer]

You're having major problems in your marriage at the very beginning. What's left of it? No communication, no sex, no fun together, no closeness, you seem different and incompatible in every aspect.

She doesn't act like she loves you at all. You do all the effort, she does nothing and doesn't even appreciate yours. She rather spends time without you.

I wouldn't be surprised if she had an affair either. I don't see what's to work on as it seems that there is no basis to establish things on between the two of you. In any case, don't think about children now. A child would make things even worse.

In my opinion there's no hope here. Her love seems dead and she has no time for you. Besides she likes hedonistic type of life, to go out, drink, have fun, do whatever she wants and she hates the fact that you're all proper and - in her opinion probably - boring.

However, I wouldn't be surprised if she wouldn't want to let you go because of financial reasons. There must be some reason why she stays married to you. Do you have a good job while she doesn't work? She has no place to go or enough money to live independently?

[moimeme]

This isn't a marriage at all. You're her houseboy and she's living the life of a single woman. Now you, my friend, are the kind of guy people talk about when they complain that 'nice guys' finish last. You're not being nice, you're lying down and letting her walk all over you.

 

Her behaviour is completely unacceptable. She absolutely should not be spending all of her time away with friends and she for sure should not be going out with this 'older guy'.

 

IMHO, it's ultimatum time. Tell her you need to see a counsellor together or the marriage will end. Really, nothing about this situation resembles a marriage so to end it would only be to formalize something which has already taken place.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by moimeme

This isn't a marriage at all. You're her houseboy and she's living the life of a single woman.

 

Pretty much what I was thinking. She doesn't see a need to sleep with the hired help/endentured servants. That is how she sees you. Stop doing everything for this ungrateful shrew. Make her realize that your kindness needs some form of return or it ends, be it her time, her appreciation, her help, or her body. Start only washing and ironing your own clothes if you can't get the spinal reattachment done all at once.

[amy1975]

or so says the Chicken Littles on this thread

 

so marriage is supposed to be forever. Okay...

 

so then you must accept the FACT that married people are still individuals who go through their own internal struggles. That these individuals who happen to be married go through phases in their life. That these individuals who happen to be married lay awake an night, in the dark, with their own personal demons.

 

She may feel tied down-old-'is this all there is'-loss of connection to a community-the list is endless.

 

Don't take her behavior so personally. Infidility is of course unacceptable, but if none is involved...let her chart her course. She'll come around.

 

People change. so don't fight it. The only constant in this universe is change

[New_Wife]

It sounds to me like there's a big huge "Welcome" tattoed on your forehead. The question then would be: how long are you gonna lie down in front of the door like that?

 

Why is she going out alone so much? Do you not like going with her? Does she not want you to? It seems like there's something missing to the story there.

 

Flowers every month? That's a very sweet idea - but maybe a little too feminine? Something special can become common in a hurry if it's overused.

 

It sounds like you're doing a lot of romancing and chasing - which is great to an extent. But it's also fun to seduce and chase from the other end every now and then too. Think of relationships like playing with a dog. (wooh, an analogy every woman will just love, I'm sure!): You can run after it as long as you want and it will keep running away from you. But the second you run away from it, it'll chase you. Both sides of the game are fun for the dog - but without both, Fido gets bored and finds another dog's butt to sniff after awhile. Hmmm...yeah...analogies are clearly not my gift here. Probably your wife isn't sniffing a lot of butts. But I hope you get the idea.

[anyone]

Ok, I'm back with somewhat of an update.

 

So tonight, she's in a bad mood, not happy, and I ask her what's wrong and make the mistake, or good fortune, of asking her if she is still happy with me. We've been together 9 months now. She takes that question as she can tell that I am not happy with her, which is really right. We get into a real big talk about me not being happy, and how she feels that she can never make me truly happy.

 

What it comes down to is the fact of how her parents were when she grew up. Her father is very selfish, and everybody in the family is afraid of him, and I am afraid that my wife is becoming her father in this sense. She tells me that she can't believe that her mother stayed with him for so long, and how her mother is afraid of her father. Nothing she has every said to me before. She blames everything on him and says that he has messed her up for life. I know that she truly loves and is in love with me, she kept making that comment, but she does not think that she will ever make me happy.

 

Maybe I may be a fool in believing this, but I feel that she does have the potential of making me happy. She told me that I have been trying to make myself believe that I am happy, but I am really not. She sure hit the nail on the head. She thinks that I would be happy without her, but I don't think so. She has not made any effort in making me happy, and she doesn't believe that she can. She told me that she loves me so much and wants me so bad to be happy, even if it is with somebody else. She told me over and over how much I have showed her that I have so much love to give, and she doesn't believe that she will ever be able to return the favor.

 

How can I get her confident that she can. She said that maybe she needs to talk to somebody about this. I told her that we both did, but she kept insisting that it was her and not me. She asked me if maybe we should seperate, or get divorced. I told her that before that, we should talk to a counselor. She started talking about what the living, financial, etc situations would be if we got seperated. I told her not to talk about it until we decided that's what we should do.

 

Am I stupid to believe that this could work? I knew coming into this that she was similar to her father in these aspects. Was I dumb to think she would change? I also didn't mention that I was her first real relationship and she never learned 'how to' love, although, it should really be instinct. If anybody has been in a similar situaion, I would love to hear what you had tried and also what the outcome was.

 

Thanks again to everyone who doesn't mind my rambling.

[jmargel]

Tell her that by going to counseling, that is what is going to make you happy. If she is SO wanting this, then this is the only option. Sounds like she is being selfish by wanting a seperation when she hasn't put 100% into this marriage to begin with. Let her know this.

 

My wife is kinda like her dad, thing is I didn't notice it until after we got married. Guess love is blind. Her dad is a total a-hole. Mean, selfish, back-stabbing, sarcastic, racist, violent, etc.. Granted my wife is not all of those, but she has traits like him. The only time she corrects herself is when I call her on it at the moment she is doing those things. Counseling didn't work for her because she was too stubborn to follow the advice she was given. She only wanted to hear what she was doing right.

 

Don't let her try to pity her way out of this marriage. It's time for your wife to grow up. You also need to put your foot down and demand respect from her. Going out with her friends all the time while leaving you home? Don't put up with that. Right now she is acting like a teenager and testing your boundaries and if you don't make them clear to her right now you are going to have major problems.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

 

Don't let her try to pity her way out of this marriage. It's time for your wife to grow up. You also need to put your foot down and demand respect from her. Going out with her friends all the time while leaving you home? Don't put up with that. Right now she is acting like a teenager and testing your boundaries and if you don't make them clear to her right now you are going to have major problems.

 

I mean no offense by this but JMargel, do you realize the obvious parallels between this person's situation and your own marriage - and that the very advice you're giving is something you haven't been able to practice yourself?

[Isabelle]

I don't think there's anything wrong with a wife going out on her own and having her own friends. You shouldn't have her tied down. On the other hand, she should make time for you and show you affection.

 

I don't understand how people sustain relationships like this. Not having sex for weeks at a time? How do you stand it? (physically you would think you would want some "relief", especially when there's a partner available) And as for doing nice things for her... lots of us wish our husbands would. She should appreciate what she has. If she doesn't, there's probably someone out there who would.

 

It also sounds like she may have had an emotional affair (if not the other kind). It's not a good sign if you're not part of her life. Marriage isn't supposed to be that way.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by amy1975

or so says the Chicken Littles on this thread

 

so marriage is supposed to be forever. Okay...

 

so then you must accept the FACT that married people are still individuals who go through their own internal struggles. That these individuals who happen to be married go through phases in their life. That these individuals who happen to be married lay awake an night, in the dark, with their own personal demons.

 

She may feel tied down-old-'is this all there is'-loss of connection to a community-the list is endless.

 

Don't take her behavior so personally. Infidility is of course unacceptable, but if none is involved...let her chart her course. She'll come around.

 

People change. so don't fight it. The only constant in this universe is change

 

Sorry but what a bunch of hooey. What he has isn't even close to a marriage - a marriage takes the effort and commitment and work of 2 people - I don't see her doing anything but enjoying the fruits of his labor. Why shouldn't he take her behavior personally? He's her husband - she's treating him without respect or love or consideration. She'll come around? Well why would she? And in the process, this man's heart is betting a real sh*tkicking.

[RecordProducer]

Too many posts here on LS are negative and basically advise you to divorce because your partner forgot what your favorite meal is. So I will stick to my experience and what I think is mutual for all relationships.

I was very unhappy with my marriage of 3 years, but ironically I was completely unaware of that and believed that my ex-husband was the right one for me and that we were amazingly happy. As a proof of that, I state how I said to my father "good marriages like ours are so rare" while I was drinking every day, felt miserable 90% of the time and even tried to commit a suicide (just to make people pay attention to me) twice.

But nobody likes people who are miserable so it made things even worse. On the other hand, my ex didn't try to help me, but resented me for being unhappy.

He left me and I still believed that he was the right one. With time I realized that he was the wrong one although I still loved him.

When we love, we always think that this particular person is the only one that can make us happy. It's unbelievable how prone we are to lying to ourselves. Just like often people know us better than we know ourselves, we lie to ourselves because we don't want to admit our mistakes. But it's so much easier to face the pain and admit that our partner makes us unhappy most of the time. It's painful when the other one sees it sooner than we do. Probably because they don't love us that much. But life is full of facts. Even our emotions are facts. Somebody wants you, somebody doesn't. Those are facts.

You sound smart, don't accuse yourself of being stupid because you're being human. People do get over their unhappy endings. Many years later, you will only see it as 6-7 years of your life. Can you imagine yourself being married to this person for the rest of your life? Is this how you imagine your life and love?

She won't change. At least not with you. Don't look for excuses. Her past already gave her character a certain shape and she will retain it; you can only accept it as justification or not.

You may try and work things out, but don't be so desperate about her being the only person in the world who can make you happy. Whenever we're in love and losing the one we love, we think it's the only creature in the world who was made for us and all the rest are nothing.

Keep your head up high and keep in mind that there is no love we can't get over.

[Iluvsiamese]

Very well put, RecordProducer!

 

When you are dealing with relationships and different people with different experiences, there are seldom any clear-cut answers.

 

I thought that my ex was the one for me. I did everything I could to make it work. I became like a chameleon, trying to be the right thing. The thing was, he wasn't interested in changing or trying to make it work. In fact, he wasn't interested at all. And it showed. I thought that we had a good marriage, I figured ups and downs are a part of learning to be a couple. I shoved down my misgivings and thought that I was happy. But eventually, I couldn't deny the obvious. There was no "marriage," I was just a fixture, a convenience. For some reason, having a wife and kids was a status symbol to him but as for caring about us--it just wasn't there. He thought that I would never stop caring, but I did. It hurt to face up, but it was the best thing that I could have done for myself and for my kids. What they were seeing is not what marriage ought to be and I wouldn't want to think that they accepted the same sort of abuse because of the example that I set for them.

 

If she won't go to counselling, then she has given you her answer. She doesn't care enough to try. The fact that she makes the effort to see her friends etc. should tell you where you rank in her world. Been there, done that! The hard part is accepting all of this and moving on from there, either within the "marriage" or outside of it. You need to decide what is right for you, what you want and what you are willing to settle for. And like RecordProducer said, think about another 10 years or so without any change. It's up to you to set your boundaries. From someone who faced up and moved on, you will be all right. Not just all right, better!