Developed strong feelings for a close female friend but think I final overcame it.

[Lex30]

So I made a post long back about a situation I got emotionally caught up in and its a situation I see on here a lot so I figured I would share my story and where I am at with it.

 

I had a female friend that over the past 7 years, we developed a close friendship and slowly became best friends. Although I suspect very early in the friendship we may have each had feelings for each other at some point, we never dated but stayed close friends. As time went on we slowly became close friends and then eventually each other's best friend.

 

This best friendship really kicked into high gear over the past year. I had just come out of relationship that ended poorly and she really made sure she was around to support me. Around this time I really started to develop strong feelings for it. Problem is, I'd slowly overtime realize she only wanted to be friends. I made a thread about this issue and got various advice and feedback from many people on her (Thank you!). Ultimately though it started to become clear she loved me as her best friend but nothing more. There was nothing I could do. At first I wanted to become more distant from her, but I failed. I would realize I missed my friend and would start talking and hanging out with her again.

 

It took me months to realize what the situation was. This was super hard and I have never been through this type of struggle. She wanted me in her life as her best friend and wanted to share moments with me as a best friend but nothing more.

 

Overtime I started to emotionally move on from my feelings towards her and started to get back in the dating scene. This is what really started to get me past these feelings. While it took time, I finally got through it and I started to also just enjoy our friendship.

 

She took strong interest in my dating life and eventually helped me find someone I would fall in love with. Her help was very important on this front.

 

I am now at the stage where I have dated this new girl for 4 months and have loved every moment of it. Best part is we are constantly going on double dates and planning activities with my BFF and her boyfriend. It really has been a great time. My BFF and I still talk alot, we still hang out and we still support each other and offer each other advice.

 

I like where the future is heading and I really have learned from this whole situation. I post this because I was lost when this all first started and I got hung up on a best friend that didn't love me in an intimate mutually. It was painful at first but eventually I feel I followed the right path and I am happy.

[UnaKate]

Hi Lex, reading your post has been good for me. If you read my recent thread you'll see I've been in a similar situation. The only thing is that we've never had the "platonic" conversation - as in, never agreed that we are only friends & discussed reasons why. Sometimes, he gives me mixed signals despite being in a relationship. There are points when I feel like there's an elephant the room, things that aren't being said but can't be said.

 

I've now distanced myself from him a lot for the time being. I would love to get to a point where we can hang out without it feeling weird - but I suppose that could only happen if/when my feelings subside in the future.

[Gloria25]

Yes, thank you Lex and UnaKate for sharing.

 

I am pulling myself out of a situation where I am the only one suffering cuz he doesn't feel the same way.

 

At the end of the day, it's a waste of time to expect them to aet you free...YOU have to extract yourself cuz they aren't gonna give up whatever you do for them (ego boost, past time).

 

And quite frankly a real "friend" and/or someone you'd aspire to date wouldn't do things to hurt someone they darn well knows has feelings for them. I've been in situations where I knew the guy wanted more and I didn't encourage ANY type of thing...even if it meant me not being a "friend".

[UnaKate]

There are times when I struggle with the situation because, in the past, while I was in a bad place, I rejected his advances. He was there for me through the bad time, but by the time I had emerged from this, felt better and realised my feelings, he had moved on.

 

At a gut level, I feel like there are real feelings there but he can't voice them because he's in a relationship. On the other hand, if they were *strong* feelings he wouldn't remain in his relationship. Maybe he just like the ego boost as you say Gloria.

 

In any case it's only right to distance myself from someone who is in a committed relationship.

[Lex30]

Hi Lex, reading your post has been good for me. If you read my recent thread you'll see I've been in a similar situation. The only thing is that we've never had the "platonic" conversation - as in, never agreed that we are only friends & discussed reasons why. Sometimes, he gives me mixed signals despite being in a relationship. There are points when I feel like there's an elephant the room, things that aren't being said but can't be said.

 

I've now distanced myself from him a lot for the time being. I would love to get to a point where we can hang out without it feeling weird - but I suppose that could only happen if/when my feelings subside in the future.

 

UnaKate, the distancing thing is really hard. I knew it wasn't healthy for myself and she was always texting me or wanting to get coffee, wanting to get advice on things going on in life etc. When I say unhealthy, I was devoting too much time into our friendship and I would think about her in a sexual context. It wasn't good at all for either of us. As I mentioned, I never succeeded as doing it. I would try for a week or two and I would miss her as a friend, almost like I just needed our interaction with each other because we were best friends and who better did I have talk to about things happening in live, good or bad.

 

The mixed signals thing is different, I feel like I at times confused things she said during that period as "mixed signals" but she never truly was sending them to me.

 

It was tough, painful and difficult to just convince myself to move on. I mean what I was doing defied logic. She had a BF, she did things to make it clear she loved me as just a friend and really she wanted to have me in her life badly as her closest friend. It was just such a hard thing for me to handle.

 

Eventually though I snapped out of it, and I think it was one night we were out catching dinner and she really started to have a serious talk about how I need to get back into dating, I deserve someone in my life and she wants to help because she knows I still haven't gotten over my ex. I guess this was the platonic conversation without her knowing it. She didn't realize my problem wasn't that I got over my ex, it was I couldn't get over her. But the whole idea that she brought this up and was making it a priority to help me find someone just finally struck a note. I finally just accepted her help and got back into dating. It got easier as time went on.

 

I still have the occasional, wow my BFF is an amazing woman moments. I really don't think that type of thing will ever completely stop. But being in love someone else intimately has got those moments to just last a few seconds.

[Lex30]

Yes, thank you Lex and UnaKate for sharing.

 

I am pulling myself out of a situation where I am the only one suffering cuz he doesn't feel the same way.

 

At the end of the day, it's a waste of time to expect them to aet you free...YOU have to extract yourself cuz they aren't gonna give up whatever you do for them (ego boost, past time).

 

And quite frankly a real "friend" and/or someone you'd aspire to date wouldn't do things to hurt someone they darn well knows has feelings for them. I've been in situations where I knew the guy wanted more and I didn't encourage ANY type of thing...even if it meant me not being a "friend".

 

In my situation, I truly believe she never knew I had feelings for her. She just thought I was being and acting like the best friend she had. She would even say things saying she is so lucky to have me as "her closest friend" or I can't believe my best guy friend has become the person I can count on most in life. She felt things were 100% platonic from my side. I would actually feel bad about this too, like she thought she had something in me that wasn't true because I had feelings.

 

What you say is true though, a best friend of the opposite sex is going to never want to hurt you, so if it comes down to it, they are going to respect your feelings and not encourage it and definitely have a talk if they feels things are out of hand.

 

The waste of time line of thinking is something I would fall back on alot. I would tell myself I need wasting time thinking about this situation, put the energy into dating.

 

Dating was what got the wheels in motion to escape this trap I was in. It was so hard to initially start to date, but it was actually her recommendations that pushed me to do it oddly enough. I just feel for anyone in these situations, if you don't want to damage the friendship but confessing your feelings to the other person, than getting back into dating is really necessary. Its the best advice I can give someone stuck in this place. You just have to and who knows maybe in the future things change but you can't just sit at a door waiting for someone yourself that may never walk through it. I wasted months over this, and I regret it now.