A chance of a new start?

[GooseChaser]

I met a guy about a month ago. I responded to him because he had an interesting online dating profile and he seemed to have good qualities. I thought we had some things in common. I liked talking to him, having conversations, before we first met. I didn't notice right away, but he wrote on his profile that he wasn't looking for anything serious but he was open to it. (Sometime after me this was removed.)

 

The first date was a long one, 4 or 5 hours. For the first date we started with walking along the beach, getting some food, and playing around with some portable technology. It was nice. I felt okay about things up to this point, but soon things started challenging my comfort zone. We ended up in a more isolated location (I'd previously told him I preferred to stay in public places on the first date). He amped up the physical a bit, which I welcomed. Soon we were sitting there together watching animations on his device for a long time. The animated series he chose often had sexual themes. This made me a little nervous, but I was still doing okay. We started walking back to where we had met earlier that day. On the way my date started walking into one of the apartment buildings. I was caught off-guard-- is this his place? Yes, it was. He asked me if I wanted to go inside with him but I declined. I waited for him outside. At this point I had concluded that he was indeed a very casual date and activated my inner defenses. We messed around a bit more and made our way to a grassy area. He expressed attraction and I tried to reciprocate but when I did my voice was totally flat. I ended up just sitting there thinking with an anxious feeling and I let him know it was moving fast for me.

 

After the first date we kept communicating and had some fun chats. The next couple days he invited me to movie nights at his place. I declined. I felt it was still too early to come over, for me. I'm one of those people that just needs to build comfort with a guy a bit more gradually. He accepted that and took my suggestion of going to a movie theater instead. I had a hard time getting the details of the date down. We had picked a movie and theater, but not a time. I sent him a text suggesting a time for the movie and trying to confirm the details, but he didn't respond to it so I wasn't even sure it was happening. This grated on me.

 

I was also frustrated with the idea of "not looking for serious but open to it" because it seemed like that meant walking into a casual emotionally-detached situation with my heart at stake which seemed to me like a great way to get my heart broken.

 

With all of the things that were bothering me, and circumstances at the time, I wound up calling him close to last-minute to cancel. It was hard hearing the excitement drain out of his voice. It turned out he was coming. And who knew someone casual could care like that. He is not like other casual men I've met. ... I don't know what to make of it really. It made me very sad, like... how could I miss something like that? How could I be so off? A guy's with you trying to express actual feeling and you don't even notice. I'm so used to casual guys' physical gestures meaning nothing of substance. And here might be someone different. While I knew many of my concerns were valid, I felt like I had been overly cynical. I shouldn't rely so much on preconception. So I end up crying on the phone. But I had to finish what I started.

 

He sent me a video a few days later reaching out but at that point I was sorta unavailable and not prepared to respond flirtatiously so I just tried to be nice about it. I felt that as the "dumper" so to speak, the one that ended things, I had a duty to leave him alone for a good period of time, so I did LC. He recently said hi through text and I just had a bit of nice conversation with him. He gave me a green light, that if I had anything to say I could say it. I let him know a few things, including that I wish for him to find someone who gets him and before I didn't.

 

I'm not sure if I want to try again but I'm afraid to "disrespect" him by going back on my decision and expecting him to want to try again too. I don't know if he's still interested like that or if it would upset him or anything. We're on good enough terms now and I'd hate to ruin that with a bad move. I don't know if we're just too different of people or if it could work out. Could this work with more communication? Or is it better left alone? Do these second chances ever end up well?

[bathtub-row]

I think you need to go with your initial instincts and stay away from this guy. That little casual invite to his apartment was anything but casual. And all the sexual stuff he was showing you was completely inappropriate.

 

You don't know this guy at all except for what he tells you and what he lets you see. Any decent guy would know that a stranger inviting a woman to his apartment was inappropriate and that it would make her uncomfortable. He would especially know that showing her things that pertain to sex would get her defenses up. The truth is, he was testing you to see how far he could push you, and how long you'd stick around even after he made you uncomfortable.

 

Don't be fooled by the disappointment in his voice, either. He kept you guessing about your plans and then all of a sudden he reappeared. That's not ok. I get the impression that he's playing a game with you, and probably with several other women, too. The bottom line is, he did numerous thugs that were questionable and inappropriate. You have red flags waving all over the place. It's your call as to whether you choose to pay attention to them or not.

[bathtub-row]

Also, I would cut off all communication with this guy. And, in the future, when you're first meeting someone from the Internet, it's better to keep the meeting brief. When you eventually do have a date, it shouldn't go on for hours and hours. This tells a guy that you have nothing better to do than be with him. That's a bad signal to send to any guy, believe me. During your initial meetings, there's no doubt you would've seen signs of his off behavior and wouldn't have been put in the near-compromising situations you were put in. Learn to be more self-protective, and less compliant.

[GooseChaser]

Yes, the fact that I should probably listen to my instincts has definitely been on my mind. I told him myself that he was like a stranger. I did sense in-person that his main interest guiding him didn't seem to be my personality. It just kinda killed me that I might've seriously misjudged him, and what that might mean for how I treated him; I'll keep that latter stuff in mind as a lesson for the future but maybe I shouldn't worry so much. I knew what I saw.

 

I will aim to do more to take care of my safety. I also agree that with shorter first dates being a good idea. When they get longer they do seem to go overboard or somehow turning me off in a way that wouldn't have happened on a shorter date. Thank you for the advice!

Edited October 3, 2015 by GooseChaser

[bathtub-row]

He's not LIKE a stranger, he IS a stranger. People make the mistake of thinking that talking to strangers online makes them your friend. The truth is, unless you already know them personally, online talking tells you absolutely zero.

 

If you use online dating, use it to make brief introductions and, if there's mutual interest, meet them and, over time, get to know that person. Believe me, they will show their true colors very quickly. Probably a guy like that wouldn't have met you under those circumstances because he's looking for someone who's gullible. And whether he actually had bad intentions, or he was just socially inept doesn't matter. His behavior indicated a guy that you don't want to get involved with. You didn't misread anything about him but it would be a mistake to continue talking to him. Just politely say to him something like, "I just don't think we have enough in common to pursue a relationship. I wish you the best."

[bathtub-row]

I just remembered something that happened to me on an online dating site once. Some guy sent me an email. We talked once or twice via email (email on the dating site, not my personal email). Then he asked me to turn on the instant chat feature on the site. I politely let him know that I didn't care for instant chatting and that was why I didn't have it on. He then got really, really angry and chewed me out. I didn't reply back but blocked him right away.

 

Instant chatting, in my opinion, is extremely invasive and I don't make myself that readily available to men, especially to men I don't even know. In the case of the guy I mentioned, me not wanting to be instantly available to him pushed his buttons. Obviously he had anger issues, was controlling, and went ballistic whenever things didn't go his way. Just a great example of how people show their true colors very quickly.

 

On the other hand, I have a friend who had a very methodical way of screening men on the internet. She had a long list of questions that she asked each one of them. Like their values, did they want kids, did they gave kids, their ages, things he liked to do, etc. Of course, the guys who were just looking for someone to rape or have a one-night stand with didn't stick around for those questions. She is now married to a very nice guy that she met online. He happily answered all her questions and they're very compatible.

 

I hope this info helps. We women can be way too naive when it comes to men, and we often underestimate how far they will go just to get sex. Remember, good and bad men have certain traits that you can identify very quickly.

 

One question you could ask yourself is: would a real gentleman act this way?

 

In your case where the guy was showing you sexual content, you would've known right away that a gentleman (or socially conscious man) would've never done such a thing. Men who are seriously looking for a committed relationship will respect a woman who is cautious and self-protective. Men who have a different agenda are looking for the girl who has no boundaries and no caution, a girl who can be sucked in by online conversations. There are many, many predators online. Just please keep that in mind at all times.