Bride2Be? Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 We are supposed to be getting married in 10 days, the problem is that last weekend we had our bachelor/ette parties and my fiancee just confessed (after lying several times) to me that they went to a strip club and he had a couple of lap dances. Before the parties, he and I had a few discussions about what was acceptable, and the strip club was on the UNacceptable list. I did not even dream that he would do this and I am having a really hard time dealing with it. I feel SO stupid for believing in him. I completely flipped when he told me yesterday, and I honestly don't know how I can get over this. I don't want to see any of his friends at the wedding, I don't want him to ever go out with his friends again, I don't know how I will ever trust him again, and I feel like his lying about this only means that there are probably other lies that he has told me. I just have this horrible picture in my head of some naked women grinding around on his lap shoving her boobs in his face. It actually makes me sick to look at him, let alone try to finish up the wedding planning. He has not been to a strip club in the 3 1/2 years that we have been together, but he has been to Put-In-Bay, New Orleans (swears no strip clubs), and Miami/South Beach. Of course he says that he is sorry and that he doesn't want to lose me, we even started going to a counselor today...guess I just need to vent and know that I'm not abnormal with how this is making me feel. I know that some women are ok w/ their "men" going to strip clubs, but some aren't...shouldn't that be respected? And if the friends are influencing bad decisions, then shouldn't their be "new" friends? Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 You're OVERREACTING! Put-In-Bay is about 100 times worse than any strip club I've been to. He probably had no idea where they were headed, got rip-roaring wasted, and ended up at a strip club. In all honesty, I'd prefer my fiancee go to a male strip club where they can whoop it up, laugh, etc., than some dance club where she can get groped by all manner of drunk college boys. If you've been together 3.5 years, and you're willing to forego your future together because of this one last night out, then I think maybe this guy needs to find a different bride. What are you going to do when he doesn't cut the gras the second you ask him to? Divorce him? I think given how upset you are about this occurrence, perhaps he did it as a bit of a passive-aggressive way of telling you that you will not control his every move just because you're married. And, when it comes to "finding new friends", I think that's callous, controlling, and not very "loving". You're upset now, but I guarantee that groom of yours probably can't remember the strip club, and if he did remember it, he's not thinking about it right now, but rather he's thinking about you and the life you two will have together. Be glad that he's still willing to marry you after flipping out on him for this really rather trivial set of occurrences. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Your really flipping out 1st of all if strip clubs are on the "unacceptable" list you just need to talk to him about it once and leave it alone PLUS WTF are you mad at his friends? He's a grown man don't even go there, you'll start a war. I think you need to apoligize for freaking out and being pissed off at his buddies. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I'd be pissed too. If you made it clear to him that you didn't want him at a strip-club, why did he forbid your wishes? Doesn't sound like a great foundation for marriage, now does it?? This is why I hate the whole bachelor/ette party thing. If you need one more time to get your freak on, why get married? Anyway.... Is he sorry? What did you do for your 'outing'? Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I can see why she is "upset" but why take it out on the Buddies? It's not there job to carry out her wishes and babysit his arse Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by Stone I can see why she is "upset" but why take it out on the Buddies? It's not there job to carry out her wishes and babysit his arse Yeah....don't be mad at his buds. They're dumbasses. And he's the one who did it and has the comittment to YOU. But I can see where it'd make you uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
melina Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Hi I am really sorry to hear that! I HATE that idea of stag nights too! He has proven to be a good boyfriend for 3.5 years and I am sure he feels very sorry about it. I, too, believe that you can be as crazy as you want when you're single but going to strip clubs etc. has got NOTHING to do with marriage and therefore should be the last thing on your list before getting married. It sort of breaks that trust, love and care you have built up over the years! Why letting your bride/groom worry so shortly before marriage? Anyhow, that's my opinion. I think a lot of brides to be accept it because they know they'll finally have that ring on that finger and finally get married. I do believe that you can be upset with the buddies. I have a very good gay friend who has been to a few stag nights and he told me that every time the groom to be felt VERY reluctant to go to a strip club, but was urged and urged by his buddies! (scumbags) I would be upset with them too! Look forward to the life you'll have with your husband. Stag nights are never planned by the groom! If he isn't into strip clubs and stuff, chancges are little that you'll have to deal with this during your marriage. Take it as group pressure and give your fiance some credit for making that life-long commitment but do tell him that you are extremely hurt and that your wedding will be shadowed and that you won't be able to be absolutely happy as you won't trust his buddies anymore and if the worst comes to the worst even picture those boobs rubbed into his face when you stand in front of the altar (I like to exaggerate a bit :-) All the best! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 My H told me that he'd never do that....even if his friends dragged him there. He thinks it's so wrong (we're on the same wavelength, which is important). We got married in December and we had a Luau and invited lots of friends. I'd never marry someone like that, someone that can take something of significance to you, and smudge it all in your face like you don't even matter. If you approve of this kind of thing, then that's a totally different story. But what a load of crap. My H would NEVER...and if we WOULD....then he wouldn't be husband material for me...sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Your right the buddies are more than likely to blame for the strip club coming into play. Taking their soon to be wedded boy is just as much about them getting to see some naked chicks as it is them wanting their boy to get one last glimpse of what he is forsaken. But it is a tradition thing and lots of pressure on the best men and groomsmen to make sure they give him a good send off. Don't give him such a hard time about it and remember the guys were just trying to have a little fun and their was no harm done! He still came home to you and still wants to marry you. Put this behind you and enjoy your wedding! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by TUDOR Your right the buddies are more than likely to blame for the strip club coming into play. Yeah....so marry a man that cannot stand up to his buds and has to give into them. He'll never do that again. I can hear it now... "It was a one time thing, I swear it!! Next time I'll stand up to them, just not this time". Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by tiki Yeah....so marry a man that cannot stand up to his buds and has to give into them. He'll never do that again. I can hear it now... "It was a one time thing, I swear it!! Next time I'll stand up to them, just not this time". Don't get me wrong Tiki, I totally respect the fact that she did not want her man to go and he agreed not to. If he had an idea it might happen he should have told her that he would couldn't make any promises because his boys had made all the arrangments and he is not entirely sure what will happen. But honestly what is the bigger deal here; the fact that he went after saying he wouldn't or that he had some topless woman dancing for him and him getting an up close look at another women? Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Again, I am totally NOT an advocate for bachelor/ette parties, but I really think the OP is overreacting. Pi$$ away a three and a half year relationship and an impending marriage because the groom saw some boobies and got a lap dance or two that he probably doesn't remember anyway? It's your life, but I think you should focus on the centerpieces and seating chart for the reception and not the bachelor party. Just think - he's yours for the rest of your life...unless you freak him out between now and the wedding by telling him he's not allowed to hang out with these friends of his that you don't like. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I'm with Billy- I think she's overreacting. I agree he shouldn't have went if they agreed that they wouldn't- but he shouldn't have agreed to it if he wanted to do it anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 This was a VERY heated issue for me too, prior to my wedding. I didn't really mind so much the idea of my H and his buddies running around like a bunch of goof-offs drinking and acting stupid, and I didn't even have a problem with them going to a strip club and looking at girls in drawers and making dumb noises and putting dollars in their shorts. It was contact where I ran into a problem. I didn't like the idea of someone other than me intimately contacting, rubbing on, grinding against, or otherwise sexually interacting with my beloved. I clearly explained that an in-room stripper was a deal-breaker because I know enough about those to know nothing good could come of that (especially in Vegas) - whether it was him or one of his buddies or whatever. I explained to him my feelings on the other thing, and asked him to picture me, in a g-string, grinding on some other guy and doing the things that a stripper would do to him. He didn't care for that image. He agreed that no lap dances would occur. The difference between your situation and mine - is that I never asked him if they did. He said they wouldn't - I trust him. Did he hoot and holler and make stupid noises? I imagine so. I got hammered with his mother and mine and we shot blowjobs (drink) at a table. His mom teased me that I failed the BJ test. Innocent stupidity was the name of the game. You two obviously have a different trust situation - and that, in my opinion - is the bigger problem. Stick to counseling. You can always set the wedding for a later date. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I think she has every freaking right to be PISSED OFF! The man she is sooooo in love with that in ten days she's going to promise her LIFE to him has just proven beyond any doubt that he doesn't give a flying flip about what she does or doesn't want, and he doesn't care an ounce about her. It's all about him. If he wants to do it, then he's going to do it. Screw what she wants...she'll just get over it. How are you supposed to plan a wedding, when all you can think about is how disgusted you are with this person who said, "Ok, I love you enough to not go to a strip club" and then as soon as her back was turned, said, "Thank God SHE'S gone...now I can do what I want." that's no kind of marriage! A marriage should be people caring enough about each other to not conciously do things to HURT each other. If he looks her in the eyes, and promises not to go to a strip club, then he shouldn't! If he does it any way, then it's obvious that he doesn't care enough about her. This is the beginning of a horrible cycle...TRUST me. I forgave the first 200 times he said, "I'll never watch porn again" and then I found it, and then got accused of snooping. I've been married two years, and it's this close to over. Don't make the same mistake I did, and think, "It'll never happen again." Once a selfish bastard, always a selfish bastard. And I dont blame you. You only get one wedding. Who wants to look at the puke faces that aided the man you love in ripping your heart out? I certainly wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 The way I see it, it's more than him getting a lapdance or going to the peelers. If I'm not reading this incorrectly, the original poster is upset about: - That he lied to you many times about going (trust was broken) - That he went to a strip club when you both agreed that it was unacceptable (going against his word) While I don't think this is a deal-breaker it does signify that there are issues they should resolve before getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I'm with Billy and Pixie on this. I went to a strip club yesterday, no big deal. No reason throwing what you have away b/c of some boobies (that probably weren't even real). It's a bachelor party, things happen. I would have called him gay if he didn't go see some naked chicks on his last night of freedom. You have to lighten up a bit. Don't be hasty and make a foolish decision b/c you mad at this point in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by Bride2Be? I don't want to see any of his friends at the wedding, I don't want him to ever go out with his friends again. And if the friends are influencing bad decisions, then shouldn't their be "new" friends? Ahhh I believe I am starting a war, but I can't help but point this out. 1st of all yes you have every right to be upset, and I am sure after 3 1/2 years you can work thru this. BUT He is an Adult correct? He doesn't need an influence he's a big boy, telling him that he should dump all of his friends and that you don't want to see them at the wedding is completely unapporiprate, personally if my hubby to be told me I couldn't have any of my friends at my wedding and get "new" ones that would be a dealbreaker. you are dragging other people into this and it should not be that way. HE went HE got a lap dance and nobody forced him to do it. Believe me you don't want to start a war with his buds, men go to there buds when they are pissed at us, and need councel. Black Ball them and they will Black Ball you Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 First off, i'm a dude. I'm not a prude or religious or "whipped" or a mama's boy, but I do have good morals and respect for others, especially my girl. I'm not a perfect angel...But there's respect and lines you just don't cross and situations you just avoid in order to not hurt your committed relationship. My thoughts are: I would NEVER go to a strip club for my bachelor party. I don't go on a regular basis, so why would I go right before I'm about to get married??? I'm engaged to be married & I don't even want a Bachelor Party. I'm not a Bachelor, I'm in a serious live-in relationship, so why do I need to see naked girls who aren't my wife-to-be, before i'm about to marry her and make love to her on our wedding night? Bachelor Parties are just an excuse to act like a total a**h***. It's like it's a free ticket to be stupid and look at boobies and get drunk. Sometimes it's not even necessarily in the groom-to-be's favor, it's for the buddies. They act like it's for the groom but like I said, it's an excuse. Dude, you're not stoked that i'm getting married, you just want to throw me a Bachelor party so you can get in on some T & A. Anyway, If the dude hasn't been to a strip club in the 3-1/2 years he's been with this girl, why did he go now? Marriage is cool, man. It's not a prison sentence. It doesn't mean you have to soil every oat you have before you put on the shackles. If your not up for marriage and you need to see other girl's boobies and asses jiggling. don't get married. Stay single. Or at least be a man and be up front and honest about it. This guy should have been honest. He obviously is a puss. He had to lie about it. If he felt it was wrong, he could have stood up to his friends and said NO. If everything has been totally good in the relationship up to this point, Don't throw in the towel. Give him a second chance. Men are stupid and make mistakes. It's a s***ty mistake. Nobody is perfect in this world. But don't throw away the realtionship, if you think he can redeem himself and you can forgive him. It sucks that it's so close to wedding time, but hang in there and do what feels right. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 He went because it's a right of passage for alot of men. Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Bachelor/Bachelorette parties are not a requirement, They are not mandatory and No man is Obligated to go to a Strip Club for his "right of passage". Link to post Share on other sites
Bride2Be? Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 I know that I have every right to be upset about this...He did know that what he was doing was wrong (in our relationship) and that it would upset me, that is why he lied about it. I still think that he should have just said no when they walked up to the strip club. He was actually a part of the planning, and the whole thing was supposed to be a baseball game and the casino. I am not going to cancel the wedding b/c of this, but I am still very upset and it is very hard for me to be excited about all of the details that still need to be worked out. I'm sure that it is going to be awhile before I will be able to trust him like I did before. I'm sure that the conseling will help and we will stick with it. Link to post Share on other sites
zara Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Hi, i haven't checked this board for a while, but i'm sort of the boards resident lapdancer! Just wanted to offer my perspective if it might help... I can tell from your posts that you are very hurt and upset by this and no one can tell you that you have no right to be - what hurts you hurts you, even if it means squat to someone else. What matters is that your husband-to-be realises how and why this hurt you and it's a good thing that you are going to counselling becasue the counsellor can help you articulate this. Anyone that you are going to spend your life with and are going to trust with your heart needs to understand what hurts you and how you feel. and they need to respect that. If it's any consolation i can tell you that i have met my fair share of bridegrooms who have been bullied into coming along to a strip club and often i have negotiated taking them off for a VIP dance where i will just sit and talk tothem for the duration at the expense of their frtiends and send him back out with instructions to grin and lay it on thick about the 'dance' he just had. That way the friends are happy and the groom is happy. However, i have also had many many grooms beg me for a date/ more contact/ sex. Although the vast majority of them just 'go through the motions' because it is a ridculous 'ritual' that they share with their friends. Link to post Share on other sites
jacquelyn Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Actually, I honestly think you should be a bit happy that he went to the strip club instead of having them come to the hotel room or wherever the party is at. Because, for a little extra, those strippers may just give him a bj or something. And you know his boys won't mind paying for it. But i know how you feel. My bf's birthday is coming up and his friends are gonna take him out. They wont let me come nor will they tell me where they're taking him. I'm almost positive that they're taking him to the strip club which i hate for him to go. All in all, don't worry. He's sorry for what he has done. Can he really tell his friends no? I think he wouldn't want to do that just because it'll make him look like he's completely whipped by you. Link to post Share on other sites
jacquelyn Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by zara If it's any consolation i can tell you that i have met my fair share of bridegrooms who have been bullied into coming along to a strip club and often i have negotiated taking them off for a VIP dance where i will just sit and talk tothem for the duration at the expense of their frtiends and send him back out with instructions to grin and lay it on thick about the 'dance' he just had. Are you from around the Los Angeles area? Link to post Share on other sites
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