Bachelor party, strip club, lying...what to do?

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by tiki

I'd be pissed too. If you made it clear to him that you didn't want him at a strip-club, why did he forbid your wishes? D

 

Are you serious???? FORBID???????? Hes not a dog or a slave. Strip clubs are the "GUYEST" place there is. Jeez............I cannot believe your going this spaz about a strip joint. Lighten up....

[tiki]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

 

Are you serious???? FORBID???????? Hes not a dog or a slave. Strip clubs are the "GUYEST" place there is. Jeez............I cannot believe your going this spaz about a strip joint. Lighten up....

 

Boy, you're late.

 

Just because your guys goes to them, or you are cool with him going there, doesn't mean every other woman has to be.

[bicyclejunk]

But Scarly, You're one in like 100 women who

are okay with Guys going to Strip Clubs.

 

I know it's trendy and cool for girls to go with their

guys to strip clubs now, And I know you're cool with it, but

not every girl is.

 

All this "It's The Guyest place there is" and "It's a right of passage for

lots of men", is beside the point. The point is, he Lied about it.

 

Whatever though. Some people are okay with it, some people are not,

so we're all not going to see it the same way.

[scarlyjones]

My point is,.....just because you're not OKAY with it, doesnt mean your GUY has the problem. YOU DO. What exactly is your problem with your guy going to a strip joint? Do you think hes going to sleep with a dancer? If the ONLY thing keeping your guy from banging a stripper is you keeping him away from strip clubs,...then you have marriage problems that go deeper than this. If you are so threatened by other women and see them as potential husband theives,...than its YOU that has selfworth issues. Guys see attractive women all over the place. They look. YOU LOOK AT GUYS TOO. Do you screen the current movies showing before he goes to make sure Angelina Jolie isnt showing her boobs? What the hells the difference? The only reason you dont want him going to these places is to keep you comfortable. You think that if you remove the motivation of threat, than you've removed the threat all together. Not true. If you have the type of husband that may want to sleep with a stripper, than keeping him from clubs doesnt remove the "want"

[scarlyjones]

By the way,........the only reason he lied about it is because he knew how you'd react to it. Most likely not because hes contemplating banging a stripper. They are there to LOOOOOOK. Just because we go to autoshows doesnt mean we automatically come home with a Hummer.

[bicyclejunk]

Scarly, you are hitting on something that is somewhat true.

 

Yeah, just because a dude goes to a strip club, it doesn't necessarily

mean he's going to get crazy with a stripper in the back room.

 

But it's not just the cheating part of it, that women are scared of, there's

also the hurt feelings involved. Some girls are offended that their man would

want to go stare at other girls, see other girls naked, other boobies and

get rubbed on my a stripper etc. Most of those sexual things are sacred to

some people. I ain't no religous man, but i'd feel like a big dork getting a lap dance

and letting some stripper rub up against me, then go home and tell my girl that I love

her and "i just want you"... "even though this stripper's boobs were just in my face

tonight." Sure it's like car shopping and leaving the credit card at home, but if

you aint got the money for it and you already have a nice car, why are you looking at

other cars so "closely"? Looking or staring at a girl on the street is one thing, going into

the strip joint to see her ass in your face and her boobs jiggling around is another thing.

 

Even the strongest, most confident girl in the world, could get a bit jealous,

were all human. I'm sure you have been jealous of someone or something in

your life before. So some gals/guys just see it different. Doesn't mean they are whipped

or christian/religious or prudes or have some sort of self-esteem issues, those are the

first thoughts that come into most people's heads. Dude: "My girl doesn't like me going to strip

clubs"... Dude's friend: "Oh, Then she must be insecure". Nope, Not always the case.

 

But like i said, we all see it differently.

[swirlingdaisy]

The bottom line is that prior to him attending his Bachelor Party, they HAD discussed how him going to the strippers was unacceptable and a non-negotiable. If he didn't agree with that, he should have said so then. But he looked her in the eye and promised her that he'd respect her wishes....but he didn't follow through. If he can't keep his word on this, what else will have have problems keeping his word on in the future? If he can't respect the feelings and wishes of his bride to be, what's it going to be like when they're married? And if he didn't have the backbone to stand up to his friends who likely had a fair bit of input in them all going to the strippers, who wants a man who doesn't have a backbone ,who can't stand up for his future spouse's feelings and morals and beliefs? Who wants a wimpy man who's so easily influenced by his buddies? Doesn't sound like much of a man to me.

 

The issue here goes beyond him getting a lapdance from a wh*re.....the principle is that he didn't keep his word and he lied.

[scarlyjones]

Those who have to sit down and set up "ground rules" before marriage are doomed. If you feel you need to TELL your husband not let a stripper grind his crotch while slapping his face with her boobs,.....then hes NOT the guy for you. My point is this...........he wants to go to strip clubs. Since this is a free country,....then she MUST deal. Or get out of the relationship via divorce. And as for this part------->(((( Some girls are offended that their man would

want to go stare at other girls, see other girls naked, other boobies and

get rubbed on my a stripper etc. )))

 

So,..........they would be hurt if they're man wanted to stare at OTHER girls, huh? I have news for you...........they already ARE. And shes lookin at other dudes. We are human beings. We notice and stare. We do. If you say you dont,...your a ***damn liar. If she needs her husband to "just not look" then shes F***'n high maintenance and needs therapy to feel better about herself instead of looking to OTHERS to boost her selfworth.

[swirlingdaisy]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Those who have to sit down and set up "ground rules" before marriage are doomed. If you feel you need to TELL your husband not let a stripper grind his crotch while slapping his face with her boobs,.....then hes NOT the guy for you. My point is this...........he wants to go to strip clubs. Since this is a free country,....then she MUST deal. Or get out of the relationship via divorce. And as for this part------->(((( Some girls are offended that their man would

want to go stare at other girls, see other girls naked, other boobies and

get rubbed on my a stripper etc. )))

 

So,..........they would be hurt if they're man wanted to stare at OTHER girls, huh? I have news for you...........they already ARE. And shes lookin at other dudes. We are human beings. We notice and stare. We do. If you say you dont,...your a ***damn liar. If she needs her husband to "just not look" then shes F***'n high maintenance and needs therapy to feel better about herself instead of looking to OTHERS to boost her selfworth.

 

Ironically, I have several girlfriends/aquaintances whose husbands/boyfriends were ready to end the relationship when they found out she went to see a male stripper and stuck a buck in his g-string. It goes both ways, Scarly.

 

There's a huge difference between men and women who are in relationships, "looking" at someone of the opposite sex and a guy just days before the most sacred day of his life (wedding day), having some wh*re grind her well grinded muff into his lap. If you can't see the difference, I doubt I nor anyone here could explain it to you.

[Tyric]

The question remains, what to do now?

 

I say cancel the wedding. I wouldn't want to see his friends either and you have some major trust issues that need to be resolved before you put that ring on. Continue with councilling and when things work themselves out, elope to some beautiful beach where you can be married surrounded by family or just the sound of the waves. <--by the way, this is my plan A for if any relationship that makes it that far! Soooo much better!

[scarlyjones]

How come every jealous moron thinks that when guys go to a strip joint, they are ALL getting the muff grind treatment? Did you ever think that maybe this guy just went and WATCHED? Give him some credit. Maybe he didnt waste 25 to 30 bucks a pop on a 2 minute dance like an idiot. And judging by your last post, swirling,...you seem to think that Im here as a flag carrying soldier for representing the rights to see strippers for men. That isnt the case. If the guys wanted to dump their ladies for seeing MALE strippers,..then yippie. Thats the magic of having your own mind,but,...yes,..the WOMEN even have every right to see male strippers if they want. Everybody knows that feeling we get when we think our mates are thinking of someone else "that" way. Its inadequecy, mixed with raging jealousy, with a teaspoon of heartache. You know that initial wave of emotion Im talking about. Well THATS the emotion her post was written in. SHe was mad because a moment that her man wasnt "ALL ABOUT HER" was revealed and thrust out into the open. SHe needs to get over it.

[scarlyjones]

If we all made our decisions in that initial emotion,....it would be like the "old west" NOW.

[Bride2Be?]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

If she needs her husband to "just not look" then shes F***'n high maintenance and needs therapy to feel better about herself instead of looking to OTHERS to boost her selfworth.

 

I am more than a little offended, scarly, with that comment...Can you just post your opinions without attacking me personally?

 

I only wanted to make sure that I wasn't WAY out there, so thank you for those who posted in a positive manner, whether it was a shared point of view or not.

[Bride2Be?]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

How come every jealous moron thinks that when guys go to a strip joint, they are ALL getting the muff grind treatment? Did you ever think that maybe this guy just went and WATCHED? Give him some credit. Its inadequecy, mixed with raging jealousy, with a teaspoon of heartache. You know that initial wave of emotion Im talking about. Well THATS the emotion her post was written in. SHe was mad because a moment that her man wasnt "ALL ABOUT HER" was revealed and thrust out into the open. SHe needs to get over it.

 

Wrong again scarly, he didn't just watch...he was on the receiving end of not one, but two lap dances. I'm not mad because he wasn't all about me, I am mad because he went after he said he wouldn't and because he lied about it afterward...so what you're saying is that I have to get over the fact that I'm in a relationship with someone I can't trust?

[scarlyjones]

No ,.............you need to get OUT of a relationship with someone you cant trust. And by the way,....it would have been extremely helpful to all those involved here if you would have mentioned he got a few lap dances when you first posted. If he went and got a bunch of lap dances and then lied to you about it................yes.......hes totally disrespecting you. Basically telling you whatever shuts you up, and does it anyway.....shows absolutely ZERO respect. If you cant trust him..............you never will. Because that will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind no matter how much he makes it up to you or changes. The seeds been planted.

[Bride2Be?]

I did post originally that he had gotten a couple of lap dances...that was the picture that kept running through my head (still does). I probably would have been more okay w/ just the trip to the strip club if there had been no lap dances involved. I have a really active imagination...one of my bridesmaids said that she would take me to the club and get me a lap dance if I needed to to make myself feel better about it. My mind pictures that the only difference between a lap dance and sex is a pair of jeans...

 

We are still going to get married on Sat, and when we get back from the honeymoon we will continue to go to the counselor. Hopefully I will learn to trust him again like I did before all this happened. It just really sucks to have this black cloud hanging over my wedding (the real rain is bad enough).

[bicyclejunk]

yep, she did mention it in the beginning, Scarly.

 

 

Kind of a shame that everyone knows about what he did

and that it's a huge deal. I take it ..it wasn't kept a secret that you had

a problem with it and that he lied about it. Your Brides maid(s) know all

about what went down? if that's the case, then I could see why it is

going to be majorly uncomfortable at the wedding.

 

If you're going to continue to marry him and go to couseling, keep it to

yourselves. This is a matter the both of you need to work out together

on your own, with the help of counseling.

 

Also, don't let your active imagination ruin things. Thinking of

all possible scenarios of the strip club inncident is not going to make you feel better.

He made a mistake, he lied about it, he will have to redeem himself.

[Reflection]

Originally posted by jacquelyn

All in all, don't worry. He's sorry for what he has done. Can he really tell his friends no? I think he wouldn't want to do that just because it'll make him look like he's completely whipped by you.

 

Um, ya he could say no. If my guy couldn't stand up to his friends, I sure as hell wouldn't be marrying him. I expect him to do what he thinks is right, and what we have agreed upon in our relationship no matter how hard his friends pressure him.

[cont1978]

Hi Folderwife, I totally agree with everything you said regarding strip clubs. I was fooled and lied to in this aspect and never found out until years later, but i also had the porn issue with my "husband" (which he hid from me too, despite knowing I have zero tolerance for porn in a marriage) and he promised he wouldn't do it again and he did!!!! I feel like such a dumbass for ever believing a word out of a perv like him....marriage is almost over for me....Have had enough lying and don't trust him anymore bc of it. He also says no other women get so bothered by porn or strip clubs as I and the ones that do are ridiculous!!!! Don't u just love him......?????!!!!!

 

hope to hear from you soon

CT

[makaze]

Personally, I don't think I'll be able to get pass the lying part. You might be more forgiving than me, but when two people agree beforehand about something being unacceptable, and he does it, lies about it- that tells quite a lot. Yes, people make mistakes, but you can't afford to make these sorts of mistakes because trust isn't just magically regained. I wouldn't marry a man who even for a moment did something being completely aware that I'll be very hurt and being aware that it's something I expect him not to do.

I'm sick of people trying to relate women's self confidence with not wanting their men to go to strip clubs. Jesus Christ.

[sexiibabee]

I'm fairly new in my relationship (10 mo) and just recently the boy showed me that he DOES stare at other women, porn, magazines, etc...and I'm the type NOT Ok with with all that but I love him to death and see marriage in the future. O boy, after reading all these posts I am scared for what lays in the future for me... Good Luck to everyone..

[Cecelius]

I'm a male, and generally operate on the independent side -- I generally do what I want, so long as I don't think it incorrect, and if she isn't into it, then so be it, and we go our separate ways.

 

I don't think lap dances are appropriate in a relationship. Naked women on a stage maybe, but if your g/f was sitting on some dude's lap in a bar I doubt you'd think that well of her.

 

Men are men because they can resist their impulses.

[dnm1010]

some people are ok with strip clubs and some arent. what i dont udnerstand is when people try to criticise someone who is upset and tells them they arent supposed to feel upset... you cant change how someone feels. still, i think its awesome that people take the time to post. it is greatly appreciated, even if i dont agree with some of the things some people say.. its nice to have more than one point of view.

 

i am against strip clubs and all that ordeal. i feel that if i say yes now when im not married, then who gives me the right to say no when im married. i trieat my bf, now fiance, almost as a husband and i told him i dont intend to treat him any different once were married. the wedding ring does not mean i love him more, nor does it mean something changed between our relationship. i love him a lot now and having the wedding ring is not going ot make me love him more. but anyway, i am against strip clubs and he knows this. he told his brothers no more strip clubs for him and hasnt gone since we started dating. his brothers tease him about it sometimes but he is strong about it. about his bachelor party, weve already talked abotu that even though we dont have a wedding date. i told him i am not going to disrespect myself and go to a male strip club, and i expect the same inegrity from him. i think we are going to have a family oriented bachelor/bachelorette party or something like that. im not a bachelorette and he isnt a bachelor... its just a matter of how you look at things. technicaly speaking if it is his last night being single.. he should have had it before he asked me out cos i am not a girl to play with, i expect a commitment. just so you know... bachelor parties do not just involve strip clubs.. some men go hunting or bowlong or what not... you can see lots of ideas on theknot.com... from what i hear though, bachelor parties are done by the guys friends to embarass him.

[denvergirl]

Bride2Be! This is a hard one… the “trust” part is the biggest thing about your story! You set the rules in the beginning and he knew what was right! But you made the biggest move of all for your marriage… you went to counseling. This is a complicated subject and if you are having a hard time with what happened now… it will be a lot harder when you have kids in the future (trust me) I use to be cool with all of the strip clubs, I didn’t like them but I knew that guys did this for these parties... then I found out that they can get much worst.. home strippers (not sure what the real name is for it) having a baby changed everything for me, I am not cool with any of it now!!!

 

I know 2 lap dances hurts (trust me) but at least the lap dancers kept their underwear on unlike my husbands 2 lap dances at a home stripper party (they did not stay on)...

[SMHappyface]

The issue here is not technically the strip clubs or the lap-dances, but the fact that your fiance promised you that it wouldn't happen. Instead of worrying about the pros and cons of the naked world, your future husbands honesty seems to be more at stake. I have recently ended a relationship with a man who decieved me in the grossest demeaning fashion. The fact of his sleeping with a ugly girl didn't hurt me as bad as the fact he never (and still hasn't) told me we are broken up (but told the new girl and all his friends and family), still tells me we are on a break and up until I found out, still fooled around with me. Honestly and trust are at the core of every successful relationship and that is the issue you should be addressing. The rules you set out as a couple should be respected and guarded as much as the vows themselves. This is the respecting and honoring part.