Emotional effects of partners cheating

[Lion Heart]

I have decided that I will leave my partner at the end of the year. I am not getting any younger and would like a decent partner who respects me. I don't want to start a new year with the prospect of more hurt, more of her infidelity and the possibility of her getting pregnant again or romantically involved with some other guy.

 

 

I check her phone and see that she still reads the AP's blog and looked at online profiles of other men.

 

 

I am a BH. Our family life with two young kids continued on as normal after she confessed to having an affair with my friend and getting pregnant last year. She had an abortion and ended it with the AP. A month later she starts up an EA via email with a college era exBF ( now married with kids ) flirts, exchanges photos/gifts and tries to entice him to visit so that she can 'show him around'.

 

This EA mysteriously ended in July and seemed to reach it's peak with my wife writing ' I'm free for the whole month, can you come over, ( I was visiting family back home with one of our kids at this time ) and I 'want to be back with you' followed by two heart icons. This despite him being married with kids and living in another country and having not seen him in 5 yrs.

 

1. Despite my wife's appalling actions I feel bad about the prospect of the break up of our family and how it will upset the kids. I wanted to have a long successful marriage like my parents. I wonder will she blame me for the break up of our family or will she wake up and realize that she caused this and that I just couldn't/wouldn't endure it. There were no consequences when she confessed but the impending break up will be severe and final.

She has never had to apologize for anything, I know she can't be changed. My story is on here already but just to recap. I am the work horse/ provider guy, zero intimacy no sex in yrs ( except for last yr when she was pregnant with the livers child and tried to pin it on me before confessing )

 

 

2. Anger: family days out appear fun and normal and it's 'darling this and daddy that' but underneath I am a smoldering volcano of resentment and anger. Sometimes it slips from my mind, maybe I am distracted by the kids etc

 

Last week at work I freaked out and 'lost my cool' causing physical damage to property. This is out of character and I know it's not good for me. I know what the cause of it is. This is another reason I can't just carry on as normal. Staying in the relationship is actually having a detrimental affect on me both physically and mentally.

 

Betrayed Husband

 

I'm sorry you've endured such painful years with WW. So much from your story. I feel for you.

 

It gets to the point now when it's crazy with no real hope of changing. WW needs serious help and if she never realizes this she will never willingly seek it. There is really nothing else to do but serve actual consequences for WW behaviours.

 

Ofcourse she'll blame you for the "break up of the family". Expect it. You may wish to reply as such "divorce is the consequence for your infidelities". Repeat until you leave. And any time after D when she brings it up. Yep she'll sure miss that gravy train. If she loved, appreciated, cared and cherished you, her behavior would be polar opposite.

 

She may never understand this.

 

In dealing with any vindictive behaviours in her trying to "turn the kids against you" I'd talk with the children and say you have to D mum. You'll never D them. There are REAL reasons why we are Dg but they are NOTHING AT ALL to do with you, you guys are perfect and if you want to ask me about it when you're older, I'll explain. If you're willing to explain.

 

The anger can be colossal when you're in the furnace trying to put out the fire. When you leave over time it will dissipate. You may need help and get it. You will move on and you may even find the woman of your dreams and not your nightmares.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[Sassy Girl]

I have read his whole story and I don't for a second believe he has done mucb at all to better the situation. In fact I told him a year ago that he would be in the same place NOW. WHY? Because he still has hope that his wife (more like sleeping with the enemy) will wake up one day and want him.

 

Maybe not, but it's so easy to pass judgment when you have the comfort of 50/50 custody rights.

 

If there was a chance my spouse could disappear With my kids legally I'd probably be paralysed with fear too.

 

These people who pass judgment as though OP is less of a man does not help. And it's not fair. But go ahead... Rip the BS a new one sure.

[ladydesigner]

(((HurtHusband))) Sometimes we are stuck. I get it. I hope you have been detaching and enforcing the 180 for your own sanity. Try to focus on just you and the kids. Find other things in life that make you feel content. You will find what works best for you regardless of your M.

[HurtHusband]

Since July there has been no contact with the OM in the US.

Now suddenly he emails her and explains that he is working with his buddy at work to arrange a work related trip here. He can't say when but the 'good news' as he puts it is that, they want him to visit here at some stage.

 

She replies with " I thought you didn't want to keep in touch anymore, but now I am really happy and excited and this really made my day" " wow what great news!!! I can't wait to see you!! I am already thinking about where we are going and what we are going to do ( ...followed by 3 heart icons) what do you want to do in ..?

 

He signs off with... " I am amazed at how much I still think of you and miss you,

Even after so much time has passed. All I can say is you have a special place in my heart and I will never give up trying to see you again"

 

 

She writes " you said I have a special place in your heart and that you will never give up trying to see me... I feel exactly the same way, I'm still in love with you and always thinking of you"

 

 

 

I wonder would she still have a 'special place in his heart' if he knew she was boning some other married guy last year and that he is a deluded chump and how will he feel when his wife, two young sons, mother, brother in law, chief, neighbor and dog on the street know what he is really like....

 

 

I don't love my wife.. Honestly I don't. And I don't care if she has an affair, I mean I am beyond that shocked anger stage. I just care about my kids and think she is reckless and this will impact our lives and the kids lives...

 

I am sure they will have sex.. What if she gets pregnant. We sure as hell won't have sex again, maybe she would have an abortion on the side. As for still loving each other.. Pift!... I seriously doubt he would leave his family and career for her.

It's typical fantasy affair stuff. We all have had past relationships and ex lovers.. But we grow up and have families. I think she's dangerous and two faced and he's arrogant, selfish, stupid.. He's knows she's married with two kids. Neither of them care. I won't care either anymore. I won't care about her when this **** blows up in her face and I won't care about him either. Sometimes I think maybe I can live with a cheating partner, I could find a mistress, the kids won't know, life will continue. I don't know anymore..

[S2B]

Wow, she's so blatant about wanting to see him.

 

 

You said you're waiting until the end of the year to leave her but why wait one second longer? Why not tell her to get out now?

 

She's not a wife to you. What stands in the way of you taking action now? I couldn't wait if I were you. Just being in the same room would make me feel that I betrayed myself by wasting one more minute to be free of a cheater like that.

 

She has no intention of being your wife. I don't see why you need to consider her needs or feelings anymore.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[HurtHusband]

I want to either..

 

A. Go home all together and leave her

B. leave her while he is over here and their both out together

C. Choice A. But before he visits which might be next spring.

 

 

 

 

I know that when he does visit she will cheat. Yes she is really laying it on thick with the 'still in love with you' crap. But this time he got back in touch with her and is genuinely making efforts at work so that he can fly over here to indulge his fantasy and have some whirlwind rekindling of their past relationship. And his 3 yr anniversary and wedding snap with his wife and all the family liking it and saying what a perfect couple they are etc. in fb.

 

 

Some people have some nerve, what with alimony and splitting assets etc. divorce is no joke in the US. His wife might take him to the cleaners.

 

 

I had some moments where I felt intense anger, I got too angry at work etc. I am ok now. My wife is not worth getting angry about. It would be a blessing if the idiot took her off my hands.

Who am I to stand in the way of true love? I have been putting up with this thing for awhile so I can just play ignorant and plan my future life.

Edited October 28, 2015 by HurtHusband

[merrmeade]

Despite my wife's appalling actions I feel bad about the prospect of the break up of our family and how it will upset the kids. I wanted to have a long successful marriage like my parents.

 

I wonder will she blame me for the break up of our family or will she wake up and realize that she caused this and that I just couldn't/wouldn't endure it. There were no consequences when she confessed but the impending break up will be severe and final.

 

Anger: family days out appear fun and normal and it's 'darling this and daddy that' ...

THIS is why you delay. It's pretending to others and YOU—and she—still know the truth. You have also moved from HurtHusband to very angry husband, so you come back here for understanding. It's very hard.

[CarrieT]

HH, the end of the year is looming...

 

Do you have a plan in place?

[HurtHusband]

I am reaching the end. I can't continue to keep up this facade. I am suffering. I am worried about my mental state. I am sorry to admit this, but it's unnatural. I can't just go to the lawyers and arrange shared custody and visitation. It does not exist here. I am worried I will snap, bash her head in with a claw hammer and end up in prison. I am not being dramatic. It's messing up my mind..darling this and darling that and soon that married idiot from Missouri will visit. I can't keep silent, I can't endure, it's destroying my soul. I am in trouble. I am cracking.

 

 

I mentioned already I talked to lawyers, it's horrible here, there is no system. One of you leaves with the kids... That's it.. . But I am a non national and don't think I can pull it off.. I will lose here.. I am planning to leave the country. I either go this week or when lover boy visits which I reckon will be within the next 6 months.

 

I am just cracking, it's not as simple as 'just talk to her' she caused all this hurt and misery. Why should she care? I tried that already.. Explained that I am hurt.. She called me a wimp. Once she said leave and don't come back. I hung in there, desperate to preserve our family. I can't change her, she's fine, I'm suffering, I open my mouth and I will lose everything. I feel like my head is in a vice. Please don't judge me, of course I am broken, 10 years from now this country might join the 21st century and introduce shared custody. But by then it might be might be too late for me.

 

Isn't my responsibility as a father and parent to protect my kids? The first time I ever held them in my arms I made a promise that I would protect them always.

I can't do that if I am not there, in their life. This is a woman who will soon be having a second affair with another married man, the same woman who told me afew months ago to 'do something or she would murder or abuse' our eldest.

 

I think leaving her is better than killing her. I don't want that on my conscience.

I am displaying physical symptoms, I am full of repressed anger, clenched fists, holding my head, grimacing, shorter temper, the urge to physically harm her, I am scared...I am not a bad person. I am sane, stable, reasonable. But the situation is getting to me... Could she understand eventually, should I care, when my kids look at me and ask where mommy is it will break my heart. But I am being worn down and worry that if I don't act something far worse might happen

[qubist]

get out of there man, do not wait any longer, it is already late but not too late to save yourself from something really really bad. either going to end up committing a crime or exploding yourself. GET OUT

you think you are staying for the kids but in reality you are hurting them more by settling in this life. they need to know how that their father is not a wimp. they will respect you more if you stood up for yourself. the reason why she doing this to you is because she knows you can't do anything about it. once you move away and start your new life you will see a different approach from her.

listen to man, do not waist any more time. do it for your sanity and of the sake of your kids.

1 move out and divorce her.

2 do everything you can to get some custody, i know the law is missed up but once you show your kids that you are doing everything you can for them you will win them over her.

3 work on improving yourself mentally and physically

[ShatteredLady]

Is there no convincing her that you're ok & moving to USA or UK would be a good 'new start' for your family? If she wants the USA guy I thought she might like the idea? Basically, can't you move somewhere that will support fathers needs?

 

Double check legally but I'm pretty sure that there are several countries that wouldn't allow children to leave the country against the wishes of either parent. You know her better than us. Would she ever leave her kids? I don't know what country you're from. If its EU, USA, UK, etc there could be legal solutions.

 

I'm so sorry. You're in a horrible situation. I have children & don't live in my home country. I know what it's like. We don't think about D when we get married & we certainly aren't thinking about legalities when we're having babies.

[Lion Heart]

I am reaching the end. I can't continue to keep up this facade. I am suffering. I am worried about my mental state. I am sorry to admit this, but it's unnatural. I can't just go to the lawyers and arrange shared custody and visitation. It does not exist here. I am worried I will snap, bash her head in with a claw hammer and end up in prison. I am not being dramatic. It's messing up my mind..darling this and darling that and soon that married idiot from Missouri will visit. I can't keep silent, I can't endure, it's destroying my soul. I am in trouble. I am cracking.

 

 

I mentioned already I talked to lawyers, it's horrible here, there is no system. One of you leaves with the kids... That's it.. . But I am a non national and don't think I can pull it off.. I will lose here.. I am planning to leave the country. I either go this week or when lover boy visits which I reckon will be within the next 6 months.

 

I am just cracking, it's not as simple as 'just talk to her' she caused all this hurt and misery. Why should she care? I tried that already.. Explained that I am hurt.. She called me a wimp. Once she said leave and don't come back. I hung in there, desperate to preserve our family. I can't change her, she's fine, I'm suffering, I open my mouth and I will lose everything. I feel like my head is in a vice. Please don't judge me, of course I am broken, 10 years from now this country might join the 21st century and introduce shared custody. But by then it might be might be too late for me.

 

Isn't my responsibility as a father and parent to protect my kids? The first time I ever held them in my arms I made a promise that I would protect them always.

I can't do that if I am not there, in their life. This is a woman who will soon be having a second affair with another married man, the same woman who told me afew months ago to 'do something or she would murder or abuse' our eldest.

 

I think leaving her is better than killing her. I don't want that on my conscience.

I am displaying physical symptoms, I am full of repressed anger, clenched fists, holding my head, grimacing, shorter temper, the urge to physically harm her, I am scared...I am not a bad person. I am sane, stable, reasonable. But the situation is getting to me... Could she understand eventually, should I care, when my kids look at me and ask where mommy is it will break my heart. But I am being worn down and worry that if I don't act something far worse might happen

 

HH, ^^^^!!!!!! I'm extremely concerned for your state of mind!

Start PROJECTING yourself into your own future.

 

I'm sorry for having to say this BUT it must be said (I know this is and must be THE most horrible situation you've ever been in BUT IT COULD GET MUCH WORSE IN AN INSTANT. KEEP YOUR COOL!). In the worst case scenario you could be in jail in a foreign country and the children will have NO parents. The kids MAY NEVER EVER forgive you if you do something criminal to their mother. Even IF you're the only parent left!

 

Worst case otherwise if you have to leave alone. TELL your children you have to leave. Make sure you tell them you will always attempt to contact them and see them. Tell them when they are 18 or of "legal age" as adults they can move to your country to live with you. This communication directly TO them is very important. My friend's H took their son and fled to his own country. He was around 4yo. I met this mother when the son was 12. He's now 19 and has flown over to be reunited with her. The WF limited all contact. Stopped phone calls virtually after "Hi" but this boy never forgot his mother.

 

Your children will never forget you.

 

If you can manage to stay until your ducks are all in a row then do so. Otherwise flee.

 

Can you take the kids on short stays away on weekends?

LOTS of day trips? Visits to the park or cafes or restaurants just you and the kids? Make sure you update their passports. Can you get dual citizenship Passports for the kids? If make sure to always carry the kids and your passports with me at all times.

Work on EVERYTHING you can NOW for your future life.

 

Imagine and play out or practice your life as a single dad. Just imagine that's how it is NOW. It's gonna happen very shortly.

 

I'd even suggest to your WW that you've been offered a job in or near Missouri. See if THAT gets her compliance.

Manipulative I know! You're in a very hot spot and now have the temper to match.

 

Good luck

Lion Heart.

Edited October 31, 2015 by Lion Heart

[ShatteredLady]

Your country of origin can make a huge difference legally. For example my children were born in the USA but they are British, carrying UK passports etc.

 

Have you ever contacted your embassy for advise? Have your children always lived in Japan?

[HurtHusband]

My children have passports from both countries. So they have dual citizenship.

If I waited until next spring/summer and than convinced her to go back.. Technically their 'habitual residence' would change. So they would be covered by our family Law which would mean we both have equal rights as parents to see them. Going back even just for summer and than divorcing is one option, but it seems faraway and sometimes I think I can occupy my mind with work and just plough on and other times it gets to me that she is planning her next affair and I worry about any unforeseen consequences....

 

 

I went home this summer with my eldest kid and No one batted an eyelid. Even through she had a different nationality passport with the wife's family name.

Both kids now have 2 passports each ( one with my family name ) the travel agent will give you a 1 page form that the other parent signs as permission. Supposedly at the country you arrive in the may have a look.. Well they didn't not in the EU anyway. And it could be my own sig for all they know..

 

 

We could go to a country with no Hague treaty and than just stay there. There are many countries still who have not signed the hague. Go their on one passport.. Leave on the other one eventually. The Hague is worthless in the majority of cases anyway. A country might make a decision based on The Hague but will not enforce it. And just mention 'abuse' and they won't touch you. This works especially well if your a woman. And will it even get to that stage? Who knows..

 

 

There is one very high profile lawyer in NY who is an authority on international divorce ( Jeremy Morley ) have a look at his site and see what he writes about each country. I will post the link for this country below.. I have of course asked many people for advice. I would of course value his opinion and would hope to talk to him first before making a decision

 

International Family Law Firm

[ladydesigner]

(((HurtHusband))) I am sorry but I would try to find a way to **** up your wife's plans every which way until Sunday with this jackhole and then I would D her ass! Just saying! You deserve better!

 

Don't ruin your reputation, ruin hers

[HurtHusband]

The below message written by an English father residing here with no contact with his daughter for over 2 years. This is what keeps me in place. The unknown fear that my situation might become the same as his...

 

Of course there will be full exposure to OM's wife but would prefer that it happens when we are not in this country.

 

 

Thanks for this. Six points: One, there are no laws in Japan to protect Japanese fathers' role with their kids, so not only do they not have equal parenting rights with Japanese mothers, they have virtually no rights at all.

 

Two, thus any access or involvement with their kids depends upon the good will of the mothers, and where such good will has eroded (end of romance, new romance, and or personality disorder) or been eroded (end of romance, new romance, inadequate or violent husband) access to the child is obstructed to leverage larger financial contributions from the father in a kind of blackmail, or worse still, just out of spite, to eliminate his presence. Three, new well-intentioned laws to protect spouses from partner domestic violence have three giant naive flaws in that i) they have been interpreted only as a measure to protect wives ii) they are not subject to due process, and iii) definitions of what constitutes 'violence' includes an entirely subjective so-called 'moral harassment' (more properly 'emotional harassment') category; effectively enabling a different view between spouses about say education options for children to be regarded by the courts as 'moral harassment' and sufficient grounds for divorce, and likewise false accusations of violence.

 

Four,courts have no expertise in psychological matters so the malicious grooming of young alienated children against the 'left behind parent' is widespread. Five, left behind parents who attempt to communicate directly with their children risk prosecution for 'stalking' their own children, and sometimes even further trumped up accusations of assault. Six, divorce laws in Japan are not designed for children, fathers, or even mothers, they are designed for black and white bureaucracy and this makes shared custody out of the question (though it is possible to give custody to one parent and guardianship to the other).

Edited November 3, 2015 by HurtHusband

[merrmeade]

Sobering indeed.

 

Oh, HH. All I can think to say is just keep posting. You deserve and need all the sympathy you ask for.

 

It's such an awful situation - like an existentialist plotline that makes you squirm with discomfort and angry frustration at the characters.

 

People here can be impatient with betrayed spouses who stay in difficult situations. Maybe it seems worse to people in the U.S. or maybe any place with the cultural mindset of rugged individualists who historically act swiftly and decisively to throw off oppression at any cost. It's anathema to consider tolerating the abuse you've endured.

 

I just wonder if commiserating on LS will be enough to keep you sane. Maybe you need to focus on doing something concrete so you won't lash out inappropriately or worse.