BH on OLD

[SolG]

Okay... this is a left field OW experience. I'm still an OW in an A; albeit largely platonic at the moment. I'm meeting new people and being up front that I'm still in a messy sitch and not ready for romance. I'm not completely sure why but recently I came across a a BH's profile and messaged him. His profile was all about how he'd caught his WW cheating, and that she'd found her partners various on this site. So he was there to see what the attraction was; wnat it was all about. The pain in his profile was palpable.

 

And before I really consciously thought about it, I messaged him. Basically saying I empathize. I'm an OW and I know I infidelity bites; albeit from the other side. He messaged back and we've been having quite the discourse about our experiences. Now he wants to meet.

 

I'm unsure if I should and would like your views. Would it be of value to him? Or would it make things more difficult? I'm fine... but am more worried about a newly separated BS. Would it help his healing to meet and talk to me, or would I be doing him a disservice.

 

For context, he's young attractive and appears to have the world at his feet when be decides to move on. And I have no interest in a romantic connection of any variety with him nor he with me. It's more about our wierd infidelity simpatico.

Edited October 4, 2015 by SolG

[autumnnight]

Is he still married?

[Poppy47]

NO

 

Poppy

[Popsicle]

Affair aside, are you on the dating site just for sex? because I guarantee you, men do NOT think women are on a dating site just to make friends, and you already said that you're not interested in romance of any kind. It makes sense that they think this way too. After all, it is called a dating site, not a lets be friends site. I'd also stay away from separated men. Separated is not divorced.

[Midwestmissy]

True Popsicle. My wh said she was a good listener, which is I'm sure what everyone on Ashley Madison put #1 on what they were looking for, lol. Considering what she was physically doing to him, she was unable to chat and had no choice but to listen. Hence, a very good listener. Smh.

[privategal]

Sol, Im sad that you are meeting single available people but can only keep it surface as your in (your words) a mezsy sitch?

Get out of it your sabatoging yourself.

What if someone thought wow, shes pretty, witty, intelligent..I could really like her...then you push them away upfront because of Mr. Unavsilable that is friendzoning you?

 

And this other guy...just because he wrote that sob story in his profile doesn't make it true.

And now its an emotional affair so your in 2 messy sitch's?

Just be SINGLE and don't meet up with the guy.

Start over fresh. Before the holidays.

Get free. Get unmessy now.

[minimariah]

i think it's a good idea.

 

however - be careful. a lot of things can go wrong because it's OLD already + stuff can be triggering for him and you don't know how will he react... so for your own safety, maybe it's best that you don't meet? hm.

 

but other than that, a OW/OM's perspective can be helpful to the BS... absolutely.

[MissBee]

Okay... this is a left field OW experience. I'm still an OW in an A; albeit largely platonic at the moment. I'm meeting new people and being up front that I'm still in a messy sitch and not ready for romance. I'm not completely sure why but recently I came across a a BH's profile and messaged him. His profile was all about how he'd caught his WW cheating, and that she'd found her partners various on this site. So he was there to see what the attraction was; wnat it was all about. The pain in his profile was palpable.

 

And before I really consciously thought about it, I messaged him. Basically saying I empathize. I'm an OW and I know I infidelity bites; albeit from the other side. He messaged back and we've been having quite the discourse about our experiences. Now he wants to meet.

 

I'm unsure if I should and would like your views. Would it be of value to him? Or would it make things more difficult? I'm fine... but am more worried about a newly separated BS. Would it help his healing to meet and talk to me, or would I be doing him a disservice.

 

For context, he's young attractive and appears to have the world at his feet when be decides to move on. And I have no interest in a romantic connection of any variety with him nor he with me. It's more about our wierd infidelity simpatico.

 

This whole thing is a little strange I'll admit. I've been on OLD before and have seen profiles with people saying this is not the person in the pic and this is really their wife or gf and how they are in fact a cheater or things like that and I always thought it was a really poor way of going about things. I get it...I get they're hurt so aren't thinking clearly but I still never liked it. Is this guy online looking to date? It would be bizarre to be trying to date and leading off with something like that.

 

In any event, I don't think you should worry about him. He's grown. He is the one who initiated the meet-up, it's not like you pressured him into it, so he should know what's potentially good for him or not. He wouldn't have suggested it if he didn't think it was valuable to him, whatever his motives are, I can't say. They may be what he says they are or as others have suggested, most men on dating sites aren't there for friendship, so it may be something else. I wouldn't worry about his best interest personally, I'd worry about yours. Will meeting this man do anything for you? Will you be caught in something you didn't expect? That would be my thinking.

 

Go with your own gut. If you're not sure, there's probably a reason for it. To be honest, even though I've been the OW and can empathize about infidelity I would not message a man on OLD whose profile was all about his betrayal. But if I did, I don't think I'd want to build a friendship around that and meet up. I'd leave it at some kind words and that's it. That's just me though. Call me cynical, and this likely won't happen, but it's just that I'm imagining that if you're on a dating site broadcasting your betrayal, you're very bitter about it (which is totally understandable) but I'd be worried about if he was secretly going to see me as an OW as part of the problem and all this...I dunno...meeting people online has its cons already so I would feel more wary of meeting someone under such conditions.

Edited October 4, 2015 by MissBee

[SolG]

Affair aside, are you on the dating site just for sex? because I guarantee you, men do NOT think women are on a dating site just to make friends, and you already said that you're not interested in romance of any kind. It makes sense that they think this way too. After all, it is called a dating site, not a lets be friends site. I'd also stay away from separated men. Separated is not divorced.

 

Popsicle you would be surprised at the amount of people on OLD who are relieved to meet someone who just wants to meet other interesting folk. My profile says no romance, no hookups... And I'm inundated. Nope, no sex. Not ready for that. Makes no difference that I can tell (not that I'd know given this is my first time on OLD). Thoroughly enjoying it Lots of enjoyable meets thus far. Two men and two women I'd call friends from the experience. It's really whatever you make of it!

 

As for separated... Well I'm actually separated and have been for years :/ Don't necessarily believe that's the best test of anything.

 

Sol, Im sad that you are meeting single available people but can only keep it surface as your in (your words) a mezsy sitch?

Get out of it your sabatoging yourself.

What if someone thought wow, shes pretty, witty, intelligent..I could really like her...then you push them away upfront because of Mr. Unavsilable that is friendzoning you?

 

And this other guy...just because he wrote that sob story in his profile doesn't make it true.

And now its an emotional affair so your in 2 messy sitch's?

Just be SINGLE and don't meet up with the guy.

Start over fresh. Before the holidays.

Get free. Get unmessy now.

 

I don't feel hard done by at all. It is what it is. I know... They know... We're all good.

 

Yes these single folk do think Im pretty, witty and intelligent. And I think they are too. Friendships are just as valuable as romantic relationships.

 

It's not an EA :/ Please. Not every interaction between a man and woman is an A of some variety!

 

i think it's a good idea.

 

however - be careful. a lot of things can go wrong because it's OLD already + stuff can be triggering for him and you don't know how will he react... so for your own safety, maybe it's best that you don't meet? hm.

 

but other than that, a OW/OM's perspective can be helpful to the BS... absolutely.

 

I know what you mean. Have called it quits though because I think he has all the value he needs from our interractions. I don't think meeting in person would add anything based on what I've read here. I've given him all I can via chat.

 

Go with your own gut.

 

Thanks MissBee. This is what I'm doing. All over and he's moving on

[sandylee1]

I think it sounds quite interesting actually. Go ahead and meet him in a public place for your safety. I think you'd both learn a lot from each other. Just let a friend know where you're going and to check in on you at a certain time.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle you would be surprised at the amount of people on OLD who are relieved to meet someone who just wants to meet other interesting folk. My profile says no romance, no hookups... And I'm inundated. Nope, no sex. Not ready for that. Makes no difference that I can tell (not that I'd know given this is my first time on OLD). Thoroughly enjoying it Lots of enjoyable meets thus far. Two men and two women I'd call friends from the experience. It's really whatever you make of it!

 

As for separated... Well I'm actually separated and have been for years :/ Don't necessarily believe that's the best test of anything.

 

I guess you had better success with that than me. I tried the same and was inundated too, but every single guy tried to turn it into something romantic and/or sexual, despite the fact that I was clear in my profile and from day one that I wasn't interested in that.

[anika99]

It's not an EA :/ Please. Not every interaction between a man and woman is an A of some variety!

 

 

Is the guy still with his WW and is he telling her all about you or is this going to be a secret friendship? If he isn't separated and is hiding his interactions with you then it is inappropriate and inviting drama.

[Doublegold]

What the heck is OLD?

[gettingstronger]

I don't think its a great idea- you have one messy relationship on your hands-why add in a second one-

 

Kindly and gently- maybe some hobbies that center around you and making relationships with other women or platonic relationships built on mutual interests would be a better option than online dating-

 

The real world is out there- go meet people in person first rather than online and see if your perspective changes-live a little and have some fun!

[sandylee1]

What the heck is OLD?

 

On Line Dating.

[SolG]

I think it sounds quite interesting actually.

 

It was really fascinating to me too! But on top of the feedback here, it was reflecting on this fact that made me ultimately decide not to meet him in person. Tbh I think I was empathetic, but moreso curious. And my own experience, and reading here has taught me nothing if not that anyone enmired in the emotional onslaught of infidelity needs empathy and support more than intellectual philosophising. I'm afraid I would be more inclined to the latter, and to indulge that would have been taking advantage of him :/

 

Is the guy still with his WW and is he telling her all about you or is this going to be a secret friendship? If he isn't separated and is hiding his interactions with you then it is inappropriate and inviting drama.

 

Good point. I only had his word that he walked out on his his WW a month ago and hasn't communicated with her in person since.

 

Kindly and gently- maybe some hobbies that center around you and making relationships with other women or platonic relationships built on mutual interests would be a better option than online dating-

 

The real world is out there- go meet people in person first rather than online and see if your perspective changes-live a little and have some fun!

 

Thank you Gs I don't really want to get into where my A is at the moment... But it's now a gentler less consuming part of my life. I'm actually the most content I've been in a while.

 

All my meets and connections via OLD have been and are platonic, and have been initiated due mutual/shared interests! And two of the wonderful friends I've made are women; one of whom is an academic who specialises in a country I am absolutely passionate about. I would never in a million years have stumbled across her RL.

 

I disagree that the online and real worlds are somehow mutually exclusive and that one is superior to the other in terms of meeting; that is only so to the extent that you choose to make them so. Meeting new and interesting people via any means is a fun adventure! Even when it's 'disastrous' I've found. I think if more people just accepted OLD as an adventure rather than placing unrealistic expectations on it of being the means to some mystical, fairytale ends... I think more would find it as enjoyable as I do.

[SolG]

I guess you had better success with that than me. I tried the same and was inundated too, but every single guy tried to turn it into something romantic and/or sexual, despite the fact that I was clear in my profile and from day one that I wasn't interested in that.

 

I've been very emphatic from the very first message that I won't be swayed and immediately block anyone who doesn't agree and/or pushes a romantic or sexual agenda. My experience has been once they accept that as given, it makes it easier.

 

An advantage I have over you Popsicle is that I travel. I must admit I've met more people in cities other than my home one. That does make it easier to accept that occasional friendly coffee/drink catchups is the status quo as opposed to pursuing something romantic.

[sandylee1]

It was really fascinating to me too! But on top of the feedback here, it was reflecting on this fact that made me ultimately decide not to meet him in person. Tbh I think I was empathetic, but moreso curious. And my own experience, and reading here has taught me nothing if not that anyone enmired in the emotional onslaught of infidelity needs empathy and support more than intellectual philosophising. I'm afraid I would be more inclined to the latter, and to indulge that would have been taking advantage of him :/

 

.

 

I guess I was somehow thinking that if you met and you saw the devastating effect infidelity causes to a person before you, in the flesh, that you might think twice before going down that road again.

 

Kind of seeing that there is a human being being betrayed and not wanting to be part of that pain. Also not being the person that a BW hates with a passion and sometimes has murderous thoughts about.

 

Having said that , one can still have that empathy online. I've got a few BS's that I PM with on different forums and I really feel like I know them so well.

[Popsicle]

I've been very emphatic from the very first message that I won't be swayed and immediately block anyone who doesn't agree and/or pushes a romantic or sexual agenda. My experience has been once they accept that as given, it makes it easier.

 

An advantage I have over you Popsicle is that I travel. I must admit I've met more people in cities other than my home one. That does make it easier to accept that occasional friendly coffee/drink catchups is the status quo as opposed to pursuing something romantic.

 

I wish I got to travel.

 

I also did not use Tinder -FYI. (Didn't like it). Did you use Tinder?