hansen3800 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, he has asked me to marry him but keeps putting off when it will actually happen. I am divorced with 4 children with my ex-husband and my boyfriend is divorced with two children from his ex-wife and he dated another woman after his divorce and had a child with her as well. My ex husband and I talk occasionally about the kids but maybe only 3 times a year, we are cordial but I wouldn't say we are friends but not enemies either. He is "friends" with his ex girlfriend that he had his youngest child with. She came to the country to attend school and their relationship ended when she left him and took their daughter and moved to back to her home country. He has never explained to me what happened or why she left him, but my impression is that he did not want her to leave and I have always had the feeling that he still has feelings for her. Off and on something will come up and causes me much distress, he will see his ex girlfriend of course his explanation is he is seeing his daughter, her mother has to be there as his daughter does not even speak the same language since she has now grown up in a different country. I sometimes think that he is only with me because he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life alone. I get this horrible feeling if this ex girlfriend wanted him back he would drop me in a second to be with her and his daughter. I love him and he says he loves me, but I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life feeling this way. I've tried to tell him how I feel a couple times but he always gets angry and says "how many times do we have to discuss this ?" I'm not sure what to do, any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 His ex-GF and daughter are not 'baggage' and like it or not, they will always, but always be a part of his life. Getting over his ex is a gargantuan task, if he still HAS to have contact with her, for obvious reasons. How he feels, what he thinks, what he wants - all these are assumptions on your part. This is an insecurity you have. It's not his baggage you have to deal with - it's your insecurity regarding the matter. Can you continue living like this feeling as insecure about his situation, as you do? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
warshaw Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 He has never explained to me what happened or why she left him, Well that's odd, usually people aren't secretive about why their most recent relationship ended. I mean, sometimes they don't have an accurate recollection or perspective, but at least they've got a tale to tell. What does he say when you ask him about it? he will see his ex girlfriend of course his explanation is he is seeing his daughter, her mother has to be there as his daughter does not even speak the same language since she has now grown up in a different country. He travels to another country to see his daughter? Where does he stay, how long does he stay? Does he maintain regular contact with you while he's there? Why don't you travel with him? I've tried to tell him how I feel a couple times but he always gets angry and says "how many times do we have to discuss this ?" I'm not sure what to do, any advice? He gets angry and dismisses your feelings, this by itself is a huge red flag. I certainly wouldn't marry this guy. Nothing to gain, everything to lose. Although I say that about any marriage but especially those with red flags. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hansen3800 Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 He once told me her green card was expiring and the only way she could stay was if he married her, he didn't marry her so she returned home and has never came back. He said that he has regrets about that. He has traveled to Germany while in the Military about 2 years ago and his ex girlfriend came from her country to visit him in Germany with his daughter. He told me they stayed in a hotel room together, with their daughter. He says nothing happened and that their daughter was in the room with them the whole time. He was in the military so I could not accompany him there. He hasn't seen his daughter in person since but keeps in touch through Skype with her. He regularly speaks to his ex girlfriend by phone but he doesn't ever speak to her when I am present. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 He once told me her green card was expiring and the only way she could stay was if he married her, he didn't marry her so she returned home and has never came back. He said that he has regrets about that. He has traveled to Germany while in the Military about 2 years ago and his ex girlfriend came from her country to visit him in Germany with his daughter. He told me they stayed in a hotel room together, with their daughter. He says nothing happened and that their daughter was in the room with them the whole time. He was in the military so I could not accompany him there. He hasn't seen his daughter in person since but keeps in touch through Skype with her. He regularly speaks to his ex girlfriend by phone but he doesn't ever speak to her when I am present. As I stated earlier, this is your problem to deal with, his life is what it is, and is likely to be for the foreseeable future. you have to decide for yourself if you want into that, and all it entails. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
warshaw Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 He told me they stayed in a hotel room together, with their daughter. He says nothing happened and that their daughter was in the room with them the whole time. It would be unacceptable for most people to have their significant other sleep in a hotel room with their ex. It's just.. unnecessary. So what the daughter was there. Children sleep. Soundly. And if they wake up and it's dark? He regularly speaks to his ex girlfriend by phone but he doesn't ever speak to her when I am present. Why not? What's he keeping from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 He has traveled to Germany while in the Military about 2 years ago and his ex girlfriend came from her country to visit him in Germany with his daughter. He told me they stayed in a hotel room together, with their daughter. He says nothing happened and that their daughter was in the room with them the whole time. Who in their right mind finds this bullsh*t acceptable in any form or fashion? Staying in hotel rooms together, phone calls between them but ONLY when you're not around. No wonder you feel disrespected and degraded. I would too. You're not 'insecure' You're being played. You, dear lady, are Option B. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Who in their right mind finds this bullsh*t acceptable in any form or fashion? Staying in hotel rooms together, phone calls between them but ONLY when you're not around. No wonder you feel disrespected and degraded. I would too. You're not 'insecure' You're being played. You, dear lady, are Option B. Blunt as usual (i like that , lol) and i have to agree. As a guy, i often find women are not willing to talk about the past, they will say "the past is the past". But to me, that is a bit of a red flag, because if you have truly made peace with the past, you should not find it difficult to talk about. I think it is the same for this guy.... because he is resistant to be completely open about his ex, i have to say, this is a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 OK so he goes to see his daughter.....if you were that important in his life, enough to get married, why wouldn't he bring you along to meet the ex and his daughter. They are and always will be a part of his life, so why not give you the opportunity to be a part of it too? You have been together for 6 years. That's a long time to wait for someone even to just suggest getting married. You need to own it and stand up to him. You figure out what exactly you expect from him, and lay it out in front of him. If he gives you a hard time about it, then it's time to reassess this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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