My boyfriend stood me up for our 1 year anniversary meal

[Genie1]

So.

 

Tonight was our 1 year anniversary meal (the actual anniversary was a few days ago). And on the day, as a gift I got a stunning bracelet with a lovely card saying he cannot wait to move in with me and for our life's to get better together).

 

But tonight, it's been planned for about a week that I would cook us a lovely dinner.

 

I went out. Bought loads of ingredients. Laid the dinner table nicely. Dressed myself up great. Prepped the food. Then I get a text "sorry babe can we leave tonight I'm tired."

 

.....!!!!!! I start phoning him continually (mistake lol). Then he just sends a text saying "just give me space please".

 

This has all come without warning. I'm standing in the kitchen with a load of prepared food and myself dressed up nice. Feeling like an idiot.

 

Panic sets in and I start texting him asking what's up? He finally calls me and sounds as flat as a pancake on the phone. He was saying "I'm fine I'm just tired". And even when I promoted that something was up, he still just kept saying he's tired

 

I feel devastated. Not to mention lost, terribly upset, confused and now angry.

 

He since text me saying "I am so sorry for ruining tonight. I love you".

 

I love him dearly. But he won't open up to me. I have no idea what's going on. And I am so angry right now I feel like ignoring him because I refuse to be treated this way.

 

If anyone can offer advice is appreciate it.

 

At the moment, it is sketched in that he comes over tomorrow, but I feel like just spending the day with my mum now because I feel too angry to see him (on his grounds almost!!).

 

Please help x

[Shining One]

Is it possible that he's just really tired? While it hasn't happened on an anniversary dinner, I have had special occasions ruined by sheer exhaustion. I missed an ex-girlfriend's graduation after working 36 hours straight.

[Genie1]

He's been off work the last 2 days doing nothing

[Gaeta]

Do NOT reschedule dinner. Use the left over for your lunches this week. He can grab himself some McDonald.

 

Go spend the day with your mom. What he did is the summit of being inconsiderate. Let him simmer in his own juice for a while.

[BlueIris]

After cooling off, I’d ask him if there is something more to it than just being tired.

I’m wondering… do you live far apart and it’s hard for him to get to your house? Has he done this before? Have you noticed anything else different about him or how he relates to you recently? But I’d definitely cool off before talking with him about this.

[Genie1]

I haven't noticed anything different to be honest. He's been pretty the same these past few days.

 

I am so angry right now. And it kills me, as his girlfriend, that he sends me a text like "I need some space I don't wanna talk"..... My mind is going crazy and even though I'm so angry, I love him and worry and care for him so much.

 

But right now, I feel like a worthless joke and piece of s*** to be honest.

[BlueIris]

I haven't noticed anything different to be honest. He's been pretty the same these past few days.

 

I am so angry right now. And it kills me, as his girlfriend, that he sends me a text like "I need some space I don't wanna talk"..... My mind is going crazy and even though I'm so angry, I love him and worry and care for him so much.

 

But right now, I feel like a worthless joke and piece of s*** to be honest.

 

I'd be very angry too. That's why I'd wait to talk to him.

Hang in there. You are NOT a worthless joke at all and of course you are not a piece of ****! You did something so sweet and thoughtful.

[acrosstheuniverse]

That was an awful thing to do. If he was ill or seriously beyond exhausted, at least he could have told you that or offered to come over and sleep it off together rather than refuse to see you altogether.

 

I'd be upset and start to worry he was questioning the relationship to do something so disrespectful on what was meant to be a really special occasion. If he's so tired, go and spend tomorrow with your Mom. As another poster said, eat the food yourself. Do not redo the anniversary meal, let him make it up to you by taking you out. I would want some space for a few days to reconsider whether I really wanted to be with someone who did something like this. You went to so much effort.

 

There will be a guy out there who'd have been thrilled that you went to so much effort and been pinching themselves all night that they had a girl who was dressed up and cooking a lovely meal for the two of you.

[Mrlonelyone]

Oh there there honey. This might not be anything.

 

To be honest most people don't make a big deal out of a one year dating anniversary. Heck even a one year wedding anniversary isn't a big deal. He may feel a bit pressured by it.

 

I will be honest with you about this. It is not a great sign of things to come when someone is asking for space one year into it. A year in, when it's really working you just can't get enough of eachother.

[Mrlonelyone]

There will be a guy out there who'd have been thrilled that you went to so much effort and been pinching themselves all night that they had a girl who was dressed up and cooking a lovely meal for the two of you.

 

Yeah like how many guys right on LS would Kill for a woman to do that kind of thing for them?

[Stage5Clinger]

I went out. Bought loads of ingredients. Laid the dinner table nicely. Dressed myself up great. Prepped the food. Then I get a text "sorry babe can we leave tonight I'm tired."

 

I would give anything to have someone care this much about me and be at the 1 year mark with someone I love. I get really tired too from work and stress but there is nothing I wouldn't do for someone I really cared about. Sounds like you setup a really special night for you two and you should know he has a problem, not you.

 

You need to decide whether this relationship is worth saving and if you're both willing to put in the work to save it.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Oh there there honey. This might not be anything.

 

To be honest most people don't make a big deal out of a one year dating anniversary. Heck even a one year wedding anniversary isn't a big deal. He may feel a bit pressured by it.

 

I will be honest with you about this. It is not a great sign of things to come when someone is asking for space one year into it. A year in, when it's really working you just can't get enough of eachother.

 

The thing is, he knew that it meant something to her or she wouldn't have planned the lovely meal. If it wasn't a big deal for him he would have said that a week ago when they agreed she'd cook a meal. I totally agree with the last part though. I think it's a major red flag whenever anyone asks 'for space' unless it's in the middle of a blazing row and someone just wants to go off for a couple hours alone before they say something they regret. The whole 'I need space' is generally code for something more sinister.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Wow. He was great for a whole year. Gets his gf a very nice gift. He misses one dinner and she should question whether she'd like to be with someone who did something like this? Jesus! No wonder relationships don't survive. So easy to dismiss people with one event, which may or may not be what you think it is.

 

But if it wasn't that, he should have told her, right? If it was that he had some major family issues happen or some other viable excuse then he'd have said that rather than say something he knew would make her worry, ask for space. I just think that an action like this, bailing on a special anniversary dinner that he knew meant a lot to her because he was 'tired', knowing so much effort would have gone into it, is very telling. I'd be very hurt by that. If it turns out that it's somehow not as it looks, mixed messages, crossed wires, perhaps she said 'I might make us some food at the weekend' rather than 'special anniversary dinner, getting dressed up' etc. then it's okay but I dunno, I can see why she's so upset.

[Genie1]

I know people are trying to lower the tone here..... But it's not the first time he's done it to me.

 

I was damn proud of the efforts I went to this evening. And it hurts like hell that the one person who is meant to be my number 1, sends me a disregarding text message saying he needs space and is tired. That hurt me so much.

 

And even more so now that he's turned his phone off on me.

 

Believe it or not id be more comforted if he told me something was wrong with him/his life - so I could at least understand / help.

 

 

He hasn't text me any more but I am inclined to ignore him otherwise I will end up saying something silly i regret and will end up more angry if I text something and he doesn't get back to me.

[Stage5Clinger]

I know people are trying to lower the tone here..... But it's not the first time he's done it to me.

 

I was damn proud of the efforts I went to this evening. And it hurts like hell that the one person who is meant to be my number 1, sends me a disregarding text message saying he needs space and is tired. That hurt me so much.

 

And even more so now that he's turned his phone off on me.

 

Believe it or not id be more comforted if he told me something was wrong with him/his life - so I could at least understand / help.

 

 

He hasn't text me any more but I am inclined to ignore him otherwise I will end up saying something silly i regret and will end up more angry if I text something and he doesn't get back to me.

 

You are totally right to be upset about this. This is NOT how a healthy couple gets on with each other. One year together officially is a very big deal and think of this as how he envisions your relationship for year 2.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I know people are trying to lower the tone here..... But it's not the first time he's done it to me.

 

I was damn proud of the efforts I went to this evening. And it hurts like hell that the one person who is meant to be my number 1, sends me a disregarding text message saying he needs space and is tired. That hurt me so much.

 

And even more so now that he's turned his phone off on me.

 

Believe it or not id be more comforted if he told me something was wrong with him/his life - so I could at least understand / help.

 

 

He hasn't text me any more but I am inclined to ignore him otherwise I will end up saying something silly i regret and will end up more angry if I text something and he doesn't get back to me.

 

Just leave him to it. Set a date or time in your mind you'll see him again (nothing extreme but certainly not tomorrow), say, five days or so, and just be civil until then. Have a think about whether you think this is actually going anywhere or not, because it sounds like it isn't the first time he's really hurt you with this kind of thing. Being clingy/the one to try and fix this, chasing him for an explanation, all of that will just make you look desperate and push him further away. Get busy with your own life for a while. Not to play games, but because the more you start living your own life now the more he'll feel inclined to respect and appreciate your time and the more you'll feel confident in setting boundaries and not standing for this crap because your life is just fine even without him in it.

[Stage5Clinger]

Honestly, we don't know what happened. Maybe his mom got cancer and he was digesting the news. Maybe he got diarrhea and thought it would be embarrassing to mention it. Maybe he got fired and he wasn't sure what to do. Maybe something bad happened and this is a time for her to be supportive (or at least communicative) rather than dismiss him or question the relationship.

 

I feel like it's not helpful to make excuses for him. Adults communicate how they are feeling effectively. This person has said "I want space" and turned his phone off. That is inexcusable behavior on an anniversary when the girl went far out of her way to be sexy and make it special.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Honestly, we don't know what happened. Maybe his mom got cancer and he was digesting the news. Maybe he got diarrhea and thought it would be embarrassing to mention it. Maybe he got fired and he wasn't sure what to do. Maybe something bad happened and this is a time for her to be supportive (or at least communicative) rather than dismiss him or question the relationship.

 

Those things are all possible, but as a mature adult in a relationship it's his responsibility to communicate those things to the woman he loves. No need to make excuses. If any of the serious things turn out to be true I'm sure the OP will understand. But as it stands, he has flaked out on a plan with a weak 'I'm tired' excuse, then said he needs space, and switched off his phone. She can't be supportive or communicative, he won't speak to her as he wants space and is now out of contact. Do you honestly think the appropriate response to this situation when she's dressed up in her nice clothes with a fancy dinner cooking is just to say 'oh no worries baby hope you get some rest' like a pushover?

[thecrucible]

Regardless of his texts, what he did was really selfish. He should have offered more of an explanation than "I'm tired". If something major happened to him, he should have communicated it or simply said he's sorry he can't talk now but would get in touch soon or something like that. Leaving her hanging and to allow her to build up this anxiety is cruel. I had a guy do this to me near our 1 year anniversary. We had already gone out for a meal for it but he didn't talk to me for over a week afterwards with no explanation but we'd arranged to have a date night so I looked forward. Then he suddenly u-turned on me that night and it felt horrible for me, having built this up in my head for so long. He also mumbled something about wanting space and we broke up a couple of days later. I think she should give this guy what he wants by ignoring him and getting on with her life and distracting herself with fun things, then have a good chat once things have cooled down a bit.

[ASG]

My understand was he wanted space that particular night when she was constantly texting him. Not space from the relationship. Because he texted: ""I am so sorry for ruining tonight. I love you" later on.

 

Yeah, but that was an after thought. He had no regard for the effort she put in.

 

I'd be fuming. Literally, smoke would be coming out of my ears if it had happened to me.

 

And I would surely be assessing the situation and the relationship. I don't take kindly to flakes when plans are made, unless there is a REALLY good reason. being "tired" isn't it. The not even being willing to talk and turning the phone off would send me into a blind rage, if I'm honest.

[Genie1]

I am fuming. I'm laying in bed but I don't feel tired and my brain won't switch off.

 

I don't even know how I'm going to get out of this rutt. Surely at some point he will have to make the first contact. And I bet you all it just says something like "how's your day going babe?". I won't reply. But at the same point I just wanna type out a 20 page text screaming and shouting for how I have been left hanging tonight.

 

Can anyone give me some pointers on what to say/ do tomorrow when I've hopefully had some sleep and feel a bit fresher (hopefully). I am worried sick about him. Thinking if something is wrong. Did I do something wrong etc!!??

 

I know less is more in these sorts of situations and I know sending a long screaming text won't do me justice, but what can I say or do that will have an effect on him?

[lana-banana]

Not excuses. I was just saying considering he cares about the girl enough to get her a nice bracelet, it is premature to end the relationship or question the relationship with one missed dinner. That is not how adult relationships work. You invested a year, at least talk with the guy and get to the bottom of it.

 

How is she supposed to talk to the guy when he says he "needs space" and begins ignoring her texts?

 

P.S. My reaction was before the OP said this is not the first time.

 

That's the kicker. If anyone blew me off after I put so much hard work into a special evening, it would be both the first and last time it happened.

 

OP, I think you need to do whatever it takes to stay distracted for a day or so. I Keep a Microsoft Word document (or heck, just use a pen and paper) to scribble out ideas for potential conversation-starters, like "I want to talk about what happened the other night"; you will have tons of ideas, and use the time to consider which will be best for your situation. However, it seems the ball is clearly in his court. If he doesn't contact you in a day's time then I would assume the worst. It's not clear that there's anything you can say or do that will have any effect on him at all.

Edited October 4, 2015 by lana-banana

[Stage5Clinger]

Can anyone give me some pointers on what to say/ do tomorrow when I've hopefully had some sleep and feel a bit fresher (hopefully). I am worried sick about him. Thinking if something is wrong. Did I do something wrong etc!!??

 

How about, "We're over." You didn't do anything wrong. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.

[Buddhist]

I love him dearly. But he won't open up to me. I have no idea what's going on. And I am so angry right now I feel like ignoring him because I refuse to be treated this way.

 

If anyone can offer advice is appreciate it.

 

Resist that urge to slap him back....for a few days at least. You have two choices.

 

1. Wait it out to find out why he acted like an arse.

2. Get your revenge and break it off. Keep the bracelet or hock it for cash and go drinking.

 

Up to you.

[Gaeta]

I know less is more in these sorts of situations and I know sending a long screaming text won't do me justice, but what can I say or do that will have an effect on him?

 

I think your silence will have much more of an impact on him than words.