My boyfriend stood me up for our 1 year anniversary meal

[guest569]

Thankfully I have the next 2 days off work, so I have time to sit at home and be upset without anyone seeing me. I'm going to go to my mums and distract myself but I'm afraid I'll just be in tears. (She knows by the way, and was supportive of me).

 

What do I do if he suggests coming to my place? Should I tell him no and plan to meet in a public location like a bar or cafe??

 

That is a good idea going to your mum's house. If possible, put the phone on silent and in another room and try not to check it all the time. Spoil and pamper yourself. Do some activities that will give you comfort whether its ordering takeaway, a foot bath, a manicure, watching movies, hugs.

 

Give him the space he requested - it will be good for you too. Try to distract yourself, or dedicate a time each day to jot down your thoughts rather than contact him.

 

What he did sucked. I recently cooked a lovely meal (lot of effort from me, spent half the day planning and buying stuff - I don't cook much) and he came over, ate it and then dumped me and left, I was standing in the kitchen just looking at the dishes and it's such a crap feeling. The fact he asked for 'space' is a concern, but I'm not sure what conclusions to make, as others said there may have been a good reason. But then, is that kind of lack of communication tolerable? I would say just try your best to take your mind off it for now and hear him out - cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

*hugs*

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks again for all the replies.

 

I've still not heard from him.

 

To be honest I don't actually know how I'm going to fix this.

 

Should I ignore him if he sends me a text disregarding last night (hoping I've forgotten), or if he sends a "how are you today?" Text, should I reply then?

 

I've never had to do this before so I'm cut up massively.

 

I'm so confused as well. For weeks (even months!) things have been amazing. He's been saying how excited he is to move in, can't wait to spend his life with me, and countless sayings of "I love you so much". We are even travelling 350 miles on the 21st October for me to go and visit his elderly grandparents for 4 days!!!! He keeps saying he can't wait to introduce me etc. So I'm MEGA confused.

 

I would not ignore him completely, no. That will not help resolve anything.

 

I would, however, invite him over. Speak to him in person about what happened. I think what he did was extremely inconsiderate and it needs to be discussed. Not via text, not through a phone call, but a face-to-face conversation. You have every right to be upset, but I'd try to stay as calm as possible when actually speaking to him so that he opens up and tells you what's going on. I have a feeling it's more than just him being tired. I say that because he said he wants some space. That - to me - is telling.

 

You say this isn't the first time he's done this. What happened before?

[Genie1]

^ Well what happened before was we planned to spend the night together (this was about 5 months ago). And I left work early so I could come home and plans things.

 

Then I get a text saying "sorry babe I've forgotten I'm

Playing poker tonight, I'll come over around 11pm".

 

I blew my lid and said "don't bother". Because I was hurt! I wasn't going to just let him swan up at 11pm. And he knew I was pi**ed off because my phone was going mad with apologies and he genuinely had just forgotten about poker. But the point I made was - stop being so inconsiderate!! If someone is that important to you, you check plans and you'd feel dreadful for letting them down.

 

But as I say, this time is different. I'm trying to work out what it could be. (This probably isn't relevant)..... But when we first started dating, he told me when he was 7 years old his father committed suicide. (Well over 20 years ago now).

 

...... I've tried to calmly get him to open up about it so I feel more connected to him. But he hasn't. He is a closed book. Now, I can't put myself in his position because he must have gone through a strained childhood after this.

 

So of course every time he closes up on me, I'm wondering "is it the month or date his dad passed" etc.

 

It's unfair to leave me on eggshells as his long term girlfriend who would do anything for him. It's so hurtful. He just doesn't talk!!!!

[Winterina]

^ Well what happened before was we planned to spend the night together (this was about 5 months ago). And I left work early so I could come home and plans things.

 

Then I get a text saying "sorry babe I've forgotten I'm

Playing poker tonight, I'll come over around 11pm".

 

I blew my lid and said "don't bother". Because I was hurt! I wasn't going to just let him swan up at 11pm. And he knew I was pi**ed off because my phone was going mad with apologies and he genuinely had just forgotten about poker. But the point I made was - stop being so inconsiderate!! If someone is that important to you, you check plans and you'd feel dreadful for letting them down.

 

But as I say, this time is different. I'm trying to work out what it could be. (This probably isn't relevant)..... But when we first started dating, he told me when he was 7 years old his father committed suicide. (Well over 20 years ago now).

 

...... I've tried to calmly get him to open up about it so I feel more connected to him. But he hasn't. He is a closed book. Now, I can't put myself in his position because he must have gone through a strained childhood after this.

 

So of course every time he closes up on me, I'm wondering "is it the month or date his dad passed" etc.

 

It's unfair to leave me on eggshells as his long term girlfriend who would do anything for him. It's so hurtful. He just doesn't talk!!!!

 

Stop making excuses for him. Treating you like this has nothing to do with his father's death.

 

Stop trying to open him up. Nobody ever will. There is nothing in there to look for anyway. It is like trying to break a wall with your head. You are setting yourself up for frustration. You have to accept him the way he is or let go, to be happy.

[ExpatInItaly]

^ Well what happened before was we planned to spend the night together (this was about 5 months ago). And I left work early so I could come home and plans things.

 

Then I get a text saying "sorry babe I've forgotten I'm

Playing poker tonight, I'll come over around 11pm".

 

I blew my lid and said "don't bother". Because I was hurt! I wasn't going to just let him swan up at 11pm. And he knew I was pi**ed off because my phone was going mad with apologies and he genuinely had just forgotten about poker. But the point I made was - stop being so inconsiderate!! If someone is that important to you, you check plans and you'd feel dreadful for letting them down.

 

But as I say, this time is different. I'm trying to work out what it could be. (This probably isn't relevant)..... But when we first started dating, he told me when he was 7 years old his father committed suicide. (Well over 20 years ago now).

 

...... I've tried to calmly get him to open up about it so I feel more connected to him. But he hasn't. He is a closed book. Now, I can't put myself in his position because he must have gone through a strained childhood after this.

 

So of course every time he closes up on me, I'm wondering "is it the month or date his dad passed" etc.

 

It's unfair to leave me on eggshells as his long term girlfriend who would do anything for him. It's so hurtful. He just doesn't talk!!!!

 

I read your previous threads.

 

When are you due to move in together? I recall your thread in July (i think) in which you stated he was a little hesitant to do so. He may be feeling a bit anxious about this, but its hard to say since he will not speak to you.

 

Take this time and figure out what exactly you'd like to say to him. His behaviour isn't cool; he knew you'd been planning this. His seemingly causal brush-off isn't a good sign.

[Genie1]

He's just sent me a text saying

"Sorry for last night I feel dreadful. Do you still want to hang out today or shall I just come round to your place this evening for dinner?"

 

Is he having some sort of joke!? The 'dinner' has gone in the bins because it was halfway being cooked last night when he blew me out!

[katiegrl]

I would not ignore him completely, no. That will not help resolve anything.

 

I would, however, invite him over. Speak to him in person about what happened. I think what he did was extremely inconsiderate and it needs to be discussed. Not via text, not through a phone call, but a face-to-face conversation. You have every right to be upset, but I'd try to stay as calm as possible when actually speaking to him so that he opens up and tells you what's going on. I have a feeling it's more than just him being tired. I say that because he said he wants some space. That - to me - is telling.

 

 

^^Quoted again for emphasis.

 

Genie, first off deep breath, it's good he called and apologized.

 

Second, read what ExpatinItaly posted above and follow her advice... and remember, stay calm.

 

Good luck...I hope it all works out for you.

[clia]

He's just sent me a text saying

"Sorry for last night I feel dreadful. Do you still want to hang out today or shall I just come round to your place this evening for dinner?"

 

Is he having some sort of joke!? The 'dinner' has gone in the bins because it was halfway being cooked last night when he blew me out!

 

Jeez, again with the stupid text messages. Does he know how to dial a phone?

 

Did you already have plans with him today? If not, I think you should make other plans. If you did, I think you are suddenly feeling tired. Do not cook him dinner tonight. He handled all of this extremely poorly.

 

Honestly, I would be in no rush to respond to him. Turn off your phone and let him simmer for awhile.

[cookiemonster26]

So.

 

Tonight was our 1 year anniversary meal (the actual anniversary was a few days ago). And on the day, as a gift I got a stunning bracelet with a lovely card saying he cannot wait to move in with me and for our life's to get better together).

 

But tonight, it's been planned for about a week that I would cook us a lovely dinner.

 

I went out. Bought loads of ingredients. Laid the dinner table nicely. Dressed myself up great. Prepped the food. Then I get a text "sorry babe can we leave tonight I'm tired."

 

.....!!!!!! I start phoning him continually (mistake lol). Then he just sends a text saying "just give me space please".

 

This has all come without warning. I'm standing in the kitchen with a load of prepared food and myself dressed up nice. Feeling like an idiot.

 

Panic sets in and I start texting him asking what's up? He finally calls me and sounds as flat as a pancake on the phone. He was saying "I'm fine I'm just tired". And even when I promoted that something was up, he still just kept saying he's tired

 

I feel devastated. Not to mention lost, terribly upset, confused and now angry.

 

He since text me saying "I am so sorry for ruining tonight. I love you".

 

I love him dearly. But he won't open up to me. I have no idea what's going on. And I am so angry right now I feel like ignoring him because I refuse to be treated this way.

 

If anyone can offer advice is appreciate it.

 

At the moment, it is sketched in that he comes over tomorrow, but I feel like just spending the day with my mum now because I feel too angry to see him (on his grounds almost!!).

 

Please help x

 

Honestly I would give him space and if after a week he hasn't reached out to you then reach out to him and have a talk and ask him what happened and then go from there

[JasmineJones]

It really feels like you are way more invested in the relationship, OP. It sounds like you are a lot more serious and intense. He really does seem smothered and like he wants something less involved with you.

[Gaeta]

He's just sent me a text saying

"Sorry for last night I feel dreadful. Do you still want to hang out today or shall I just come round to your place this evening for dinner?"

 

Is he having some sort of joke!? The 'dinner' has gone in the bins because it was halfway being cooked last night when he blew me out!

 

Just wow !!

 

He really thinks he can treat you like sh$t and you'll be right there to welcome him back.

 

This poor treatment has nothing to do with your anxiety.

 

I read why he skipped a planned dinner a previous time, poker night? So this man goes about his life the way he wants to and when he can't fit you in he just kicks you out of his priority list.

 

I can't imagine this man having a lot of respect for you.

[regine_phalange]

He's a jerk and he's taking your love for granted.

If I were you I'd either:

1) Break up

or

2) Stop making ANY effort to see what'll happen.

[Celeste.Carol]

Ask him if he does not mind picking up some takeout (make sure it is from somewhere or some type of food he is not fond of) and come by for dinner. At the last very minute, text and cancel, tell him you bought a new shampoo and are excited to try it out and for him not to come.

[Celeste.Carol]

And if he gets snarky or gives you the silent treatment, text: gosh, I just need space, what is your deal?

 

 

To tell you the truth I am really tired of hearing it always being about the man needing space, not women. Time to give men a taste of their own medicine.

[kendahke]

Yeah. Space is what you ask for when you are tired of someone.

 

I hate to say this OP... but... this may be your BF's really cowardly way of breaking up with you. It may be that he wants you to break up with him.

 

I was with my ex for 13 years and in all that time, he never asked for space until the day I discovered he was cheating on me (he butt dialed me while walking up to her condo). Up til that moment, he never uttered a word to me about space or needing it.

 

This isn't a new development for you, OP. You've said he's done this to you before. Exactly what was going on when he did this to you previously?

 

I think that unless you're going to get in your car, drive to his house and get in his face that your best bet, if you want to continue in this relationship, is to pull back and let him come to you. If you want to show out and gut this relationship, then go over there and have it out--and dump the dinner on his front porch for good effect.

 

Question is: do you want to continue your relationship with him? If you do, then let your actions follow suit. If you don't, let your actions follow suit.

[kendahke]

Jeez, again with the stupid text messages. Does he know how to dial a phone?

 

Not when he wants to control the conversation and not get dragged into the weeds. One texts when they're trying to manage someone.

 

This isn't a conversation to be had over phone or by text. This is a conversation that needs to take place face to face... and that many mean you show up at his place to talk to him in a few days.

 

One thing is for certain--it would be wise to put all thoughts of moving in together out of your head for the foreseeable future.

Edited October 5, 2015 by kendahke

[Disconnect]

The ins and outs of who said what by text could be discussed until the cows come home...

 

Blowing off the dinner could have been because of a genuine reason (although him not giving the reason is immature and kinda dumb). The 'needing space', turning off the phone - now that is beginning to show the top and bottom of his character...

 

The last text 'can I still come over', is taking the p*ss. At that point, that would be it for me; it shows he is selfish, thoughtless, insensitive, and has poor judgement. Do you really want someone like that? It doesn't bode well for the future. I think it was better you found out before you moved in together.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you - not fair, confusing and incredibly annoying.

 

If you're considering giving him another chance, he better have a damn good reason. And let him to do all the work, the chasing, the making it up. At this point, though, his behavior would have turned me off, and I would be moving on.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Disconnect
Typo

[Disconnect]

Ask him if he does not mind picking up some takeout (make sure it is from somewhere or some type of food he is not fond of) and come by for dinner. At the last very minute, text and cancel, tell him you bought a new shampoo and are excited to try it out and for him not to come.

 

I love you.

[Els]

Ask him if he does not mind picking up some takeout (make sure it is from somewhere or some type of food he is not fond of) and come by for dinner. At the last very minute, text and cancel, tell him you bought a new shampoo and are excited to try it out and for him not to come.

 

ROFL!! I hope this was tongue-in-cheek, but it was pretty funny.

[kendahke]

And if he gets snarky or gives you the silent treatment, text: gosh, I just need space, what is your deal?

 

 

To tell you the truth I am really tired of hearing it always being about the man needing space, not women. Time to give men a taste of their own medicine.

 

Game playing is unnecessary. A momentary, fleeting feeling of "gotcha", then what?

 

Just dump him and move on.

[Empyrea]

I think the mature (albeit less fun) thing to do would still be to sit him down and have an up-front discussion about it. Not via text!! And not just about him standing you up on your anniversary, but about him being closed off in general. Explain how it makes you feel when he chooses to not let you in when he's going through something stressful and, ultimately, instead of allowing you to support him or to give him the space he might need, you not only end up hurt yourself, but cause him more stress too - because he has to placate you in addition to dealing with whatever he's dealing with. So it's a lose-lose situation and he should definitely work on his communication skills. Unless he's just a selfish jerk. But I think you'll be grateful later that you took the time to make sure which scenario it is - no regrets later!

[losangelena]

He's just sent me a text saying

"Sorry for last night I feel dreadful. Do you still want to hang out today or shall I just come round to your place this evening for dinner?"

 

Is he having some sort of joke!? The 'dinner' has gone in the bins because it was halfway being cooked last night when he blew me out!

 

Oof. This guys is either clueless, checked out, or understands how pissed you are and is trying to save a little bit of face. Whichever it is

 

This was several hours ago now, so I don't know how you've responded, but I would definitely try and see him today, and when you do, have an in-person talk. Obviously don't make dinner again (was he taking the piss?) but don't let this slide. He needs to know it's not OK.

[Gaeta]

I think the mature (albeit less fun) thing to do would still be to sit him down and have an up-front discussion about it. Not via text!! And not just about him standing you up on your anniversary, but about him being closed off in general. Explain how it makes you feel when he chooses to not let you in when he's going through something stressful and, ultimately, instead of allowing you to support him or to give him the space he might need, you not only end up hurt yourself, but cause him more stress too - because he has to placate you in addition to dealing with whatever he's dealing with. So it's a lose-lose situation and he should definitely work on his communication skills. Unless he's just a selfish jerk. But I think you'll be grateful later that you took the time to make sure which scenario it is - no regrets later!

 

He is not stressed out or closed off. He skipped this anniversary dinner because he was tired and told her to shut up about it. Last time he skipped their dinner because he had a poker night.

[RoseVille]

...card saying he cannot wait to move in with me and for our life's to get better together).

 

Has anyone addressed this yet?

 

The timing of his flaking on you coinciding with the two of you about to move in together is very concerning.

[losangelena]

Has anyone addressed this yet?

 

The timing of his flaking on you coinciding with the two of you about to move in together is very concerning.

 

Maybe he's trying to convince himself more than her?

 

It's definitely telling; maybe he's getting cold feet or is just unsure and feels weird about it. I don't think it's super uncommon for guys to pull away a bit when a relationship is entering another level, I think it helps them manage their emotions. I can understand his ambivalence, but if he's feeling that way, he needs to learn to be a bit more communicative about it.

 

OP now has to decide if she wants to move forward with someone who will make his own comfort a bigger priority than her feelings. I can say from experience that, while it'll feel sucky, she's probably better off without him.