My boyfriend stood me up for our 1 year anniversary meal

[Gaeta]

I know people are trying to lower the tone here..... But it's not the first time he's done it to me.

 

I was damn proud of the efforts I went to this evening. And it hurts like hell that the one person who is meant to be my number 1, sends me a disregarding text message saying he needs space and is tired. That hurt me so much.

 

And even more so now that he's turned his phone off on me.

 

I would break up over this. The little twit could not even give you a phone call to cancel and apologize and when you expressed your disappointment he shut you down.

[Celeste.Carol]

None of it makes any sense. You have been together a year. He is not comfortable or relaxed enough to come to your place and be tired.

[joseb]

OK, first off, I agree with most people here, His behaviour sounds bad, and perhaps a sign that he is checking out of this relationship. I would probably be pretty pissed off too.

 

But I'll try to play devils advocate a bit though, just to see....

 

 

Is there a chance that he thought this wasn't that big a deal a dinner - e.g. you said something like "I'll cook something on x day for us", and he saw the actual anniversary as the actual day, when he gave you the gift?

Do you often cook? Just possible that he didnt see this as a very significant thing. I remember before I had organised a really cool hike and my gf cancelled last minute because she was tired. She probably didn't know how much planning I had made and how much i was looking forward to it. To me it was a big deal, but I let it go cause she probably just saw it as us going for walk.

 

After he messaged, you said you started calling constantly. How many calls? Perhaps his reply to give him some space was at least partly justified if you were totally blowing up his phone, and he didn't realise the significance of the dinner.

 

On the other hand, you say he has done this before. Can you give us some examples?

[losangelena]

Not excuses. I was just saying considering he cares about the girl enough to get her a nice bracelet, it is premature to end the relationship or question the relationship with one missed dinner. That is not how adult relationships work. You invested a year, at least talk with the guy and get to the bottom of it.

 

P.S. My reaction was before the OP said this is not the first time.

 

My ex bought me a $100+ bottle of fancy perfume for our one-year date-aversary, and he broke up with me less than a week later, so I wouldn't put too much stock in that bracelet.

 

OP, I would be hitting the panic button too if I were you; my stomach literally started clenching when I read your post because it sounded oh, so familiar.

 

My advice? Do not get into any of this over text messages. If he reaches out to you, make sure you can figure out a time to see him so you can actually have a conversation about it, where you can see each other's faces.

 

Hang in there. If I were you I'd be preparing for the worst; but hear him out.

[Buddhist]

Don't know anything about you or your relationship but here's the harsh reality.

 

- If he's checking out of the relationship there is nothing you can do about it. So forget doing anything about it except looking after your own interests. Don't try and drag him back, it doesn't work. If people are checked out they've already had all the arguments in their own head anyway and there is no changing their mind about it. Accept you are not meant to be and start thinking about what you want next time round. There is nothing worse than a relationship where you feel as if you constantly have to grasp at the other person in order to make it a relationship. If he's walking, he's doing you a favour since this is a repeat performance and you don't like it.

 

- If he's not checking out and just wants some me time, right now while you are all fired up is not the time to have that conversation. It will only go badly and damage your relationship. Texting is not the way to have that conversation either. It's a face to face thing when you are both calm.

 

Regardless of which scenario you're facing my advice is this. Sit down, eat all that lovely food you bought. Eat ALL the chocolates and drink ALL the wine. Then go to bed and sleep it off.

[thecrucible]

My ex bought me a $100+ bottle of fancy perfume for our one-year date-aversary, and he broke up with me less than a week later, so I wouldn't put too much stock in that bracelet.

 

OP, I would be hitting the panic button too if I were you; my stomach literally started clenching when I read your post because it sounded oh, so familiar.

 

My advice? Do not get into any of this over text messages. If he reaches out to you, make sure you can figure out a time to see him so you can actually have a conversation about it, where you can see each other's faces.

 

Hang in there. If I were you I'd be preparing for the worst; but hear him out.

 

Agree on this.

 

Also a couple of guys who broke up with me in the past, bought me expensive gifts not long before. So it means nothing. Last guy who broke up with me bought me an expensive bottle of perfume too then broke up with me two days later.

 

But yeah good to hear this guy out and I also think it is possible he didn't understand the significance (like guys can be dumb sometimes).

[losangelena]

Agree on this.

 

Also a couple of guys who broke up with me in the past, bought me expensive gifts not long before. So it means nothing. Last guy who broke up with me bought me an expensive bottle of perfume too then broke up with me two days later.

 

But yeah good to hear this guy out and I also think it is possible he didn't understand the significance (like guys can be dumb sometimes).

 

I remember reading somewhere once that some guys buy gifts when they know they're going to break up, because they feel bad and it's like, in their minds, the least they can do.

 

That was just one relationship blog, but who knows. My ex like buying me things when things were good, too, so I don't think it's like a harbinger of a breakup necessarily, but I also don't think it's a sign that every thing is hunky-dory.

[Buddhist]

Also a couple of guys who broke up with me in the past, bought me expensive gifts not long before. So it means nothing. Last guy who broke up with me bought me an expensive bottle of perfume too then broke up with me two days later.

 

The guilt gift.....

[Celeste.Carol]

He may be getting antsy and cold feet. The best advice is to pull back, give him his space, and do not contact him at all. Let him miss you and see he is miserable without you. If he is genuine and loves you, he will spring back with gusto. If he does not then it was not meant to be.

[Art_Critic]

I would break up over this. The little twit could not even give you a phone call to cancel and apologize and when you expressed your disappointment he shut you down.

 

word.. I would also ask him her name.. and I mean the other girl he is seeing...

[Mrlonelyone]

None of it makes any sense. You have been together a year. He is not comfortable or relaxed enough to come to your place and be tired.

^

This is also not a great sign. Once you have been together for anything like a year you should feel comfortable letting it all hang out in front of each other. I mean. Even if you aren't living together yet (a good move) you should probably be ok with not being on great early dating behavior by this point.

[BC1980]

I remember reading somewhere once that some guys buy gifts when they know they're going to break up, because they feel bad and it's like, in their minds, the least they can do.

 

That was just one relationship blog, but who knows. My ex like buying me things when things were good, too, so I don't think it's like a harbinger of a breakup necessarily, but I also don't think it's a sign that every thing is hunky-dory.

 

My ex bought me a new Kindle the day he broke up with me. I agree that something might be off here because he asked for space. That sent up a red flag for me.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yeah. Space is what you ask for when you are tired of someone.

 

I hate to say this OP... but... this may be your BF's really cowardly way of breaking up with you. It may be that he wants you to break up with him.

[Els]

I did not read all 5 pages, but assuming you told him that you would be preparing a special meal for him (as opposed to 'hey, come over today'), that was a completely inconsiderate and douchey move on his behalf. I wouldn't necessarily jump to conclusions that he's trying to break up with you, but whatever his reason, it isn't acceptable.

 

It doesn't matter whether he considers a dating anniversary a 'big deal' or not. What matters is that if someone is going to all that time and trouble making a special meal JUST for you, you don't ditch them at the last minute after they have expended all that effort. It doesn't matter if they are your wife or gf or even FRIEND, it's not excusable barring completely unavoidable stuff like falling very ill or getting in a car accident. Even if you have to work late and can't leave, you let them know ahead of time that you won't be coming so they won't cook everything and dress up and lay out the table for you only to get a terse text with practically no explanation.

 

OP, if he has made a habit of doing things like this as you say, I think you should reconsider the R.

[losangelena]

She does say in her OP that it had been on the books for a week.

 

I mean, he gave her an expensive bracelet and a card on their actual anniversary, so I'm hard-pressed to believe that he was under the impression that it was just another dinner. I mean, when I used to make casual dinners for my ex, there'd be like a brief text exchange about whether he wanted chicken or pork and that's it.

 

I am curious to know what his reasons are, and I am feeling very bad for OP.

[Genie1]

Thanks to everyone so far for the replies.

 

My stomach is in knots. I obviously haven't heard a peep from him and I am in the "checking my phone every 2 minutes" state. Which isn't helping my anxiety.

 

I just simply don't know what to do. I am horrified that I was stood cooking a dinner with all my hair and make up done nicely to get dumped on so sharply!!

 

I should have stupidly picked up on something, as in the morning I text him saying "I'm going to the store to buy the food for tonight, do you want any special drinks?".... It took 3 hours for him to reply, and all his message said was "sorry babe I had a lie in this morning. No thanks I don't want a drink". Well, by this time I'd already been and I bought him some special beers just in case!!

 

What a fool I am.

 

Thankfully I have the next 2 days off work, so I have time to sit at home and be upset without anyone seeing me. I'm going to go to my mums and distract myself but I'm afraid I'll just be in tears. (She knows by the way, and was supportive of me).

 

What do I do if he suggests coming to my place? Should I tell him no and plan to meet in a public location like a bar or cafe??

[h0000]

Only read the OP and my first reaction is that something is wrong and he's deciding whether to break up with you or not.

[JasmineJones]

Could he be feeling very smothered? He sounded very unenthusiastic about the dinner in general. Maybe he just didn't want something like that and it felt over the top to him.

[Genie1]

^ it's possible but I doubt it.

 

All week he's been saying "I can't wait for Sunday" and "can't wait to see you". Then bang out of no where this happend

[StocksnBlondes]

I am fuming. I'm laying in bed but I don't feel tired and my brain won't switch off.

 

I don't even know how I'm going to get out of this rutt. Surely at some point he will have to make the first contact. And I bet you all it just says something like "how's your day going babe?". I won't reply. But at the same point I just wanna type out a 20 page text screaming and shouting for how I have been left hanging tonight.

 

Can anyone give me some pointers on what to say/ do tomorrow when I've hopefully had some sleep and feel a bit fresher (hopefully). I am worried sick about him. Thinking if something is wrong. Did I do something wrong etc!!??

 

I know less is more in these sorts of situations and I know sending a long screaming text won't do me justice, but what can I say or do that will have an effect on him?

 

I would start by asking what happened ...not a screaming fit. Verify first then be prepared to respond based on any number of reasons for missing your date.

 

Since you don't know if some tragedy occurred in his life ... Keep your emotions in check.

 

Now if it's just "I was tired" ya that's not good. You might think about some consequence like saying "when you have your sh*t together I'll see you again"

 

The I'm tired excuse is pathetic ...and if no consequence he'll just keep doing the bad behavior. This wasn't a normal let's go to a movie date night.

[JasmineJones]

^ it's possible but I doubt it.

 

All week he's been saying "I can't wait for Sunday" and "can't wait to see you". Then bang out of no where this happend

 

And yet you say he has behaved like this before. So it's sort out of not bang out of nowhere.

 

Maybe he is mentally ill. Or maybe he is just not that into you.

[Terry8889]

I felt bad for you reading your post, how awful!. You said he has done it before, so last time he did it you let him get away with it. So now he thinks is something you tolerate and he thinks there is nothing wrong. I think you should have re thought the dinner idea in the morning when he took those 3 hours just to say no he didnt want any. From experience I can say something is going on. He might be analyzing this whole year with you and thinking about if this is what he really wants and whether to continue or not. I personally dont celebrate first year anything. Anyways, as someone already said you should be preparing for the worst. You did nothing wrong, it seems to me like you are a nice person, caring and affectionate. My suggestion is.. do not start contact, if he wants to come over tell him you were hurt by what he did and that YOU want space to rethink things. We all know you love him, but you have to let him know you won't let anyone walk over you. If he really wants to be with you he will put the effort to fix it meaning he will apologize and make it up to you. If he doesnt want to be in the relationship he won't make an effort and will end things. Let him chase you and apologize, he acted like an a.s.s.hole. I know it hurst, but it will be better to end things now than in a couple or years or more. But if you both continue you have to make clear that you wont tolerate being treated like this or you will leave. Good luck!

Edited October 5, 2015 by Terry8889

[Winterina]

Whatever you do, do not start the contact.

If he contacts you, ignore him. Do not jump in to try and justify his actions as soon as he offers you some half a*sed explanation. See through him and his BS. Use your intuition and trust it.

 

Even though the act of not showing up for dinner is not THAT bad in itself, the way he went about it indicates more than you know about him. If you stay with him you will have a displeasure of finding out how true this is.

 

And that part of him will never change. He is apparently very selfish and insensitive towards your needs. He is closed off and do not live in illusion that you can open him up.

 

If someone I loved cooked me a dinner and went through so much trouble, I would drag myself half dead to be there.

 

What happened to people sacrificing something, anything, for love? Today most of people are of opinion it is ok to cancel if you are tired. It is not. Man up, have a cold shower and drag yourself to your girl to show some respect -- that is a loving act. What he is doing is the opposite of loving and caring.

 

These days listening to people is like listening to Louis C.K.... "but I could not possibly do that, it is not my favorite way, it only fulfills 99% of my criteria..."

Who can ever truly love someone so selfish.

[GemmaUK]

In your older threads you talked about having quite severe (from the sound of it) relationship anxiety.

Has that been an issue again since July?

 

I think there may be more to this and he wasn't so sure even talking about moving in back then and now it's October (move in month) so the pressure is on to make that 'big step' as he called it. Moving in is a big step.

 

If your anxiety has been rearing up again that could well have been making him feel smothered and controlled, moving in could exacerbate that.

 

I agree he could have at least called but my hunch is he sent a text because it was an easier way to get out of the meal if he is indeed feeling smothered, controlled and feeling unsure about things.

 

Things that make me think this are that he said he felt pressured and he said he needed space.

 

All you can do is give him space.

[Genie1]

Thanks again for all the replies.

 

I've still not heard from him.

 

To be honest I don't actually know how I'm going to fix this.

 

Should I ignore him if he sends me a text disregarding last night (hoping I've forgotten), or if he sends a "how are you today?" Text, should I reply then?

 

I've never had to do this before so I'm cut up massively.

 

I'm so confused as well. For weeks (even months!) things have been amazing. He's been saying how excited he is to move in, can't wait to spend his life with me, and countless sayings of "I love you so much". We are even travelling 350 miles on the 21st October for me to go and visit his elderly grandparents for 4 days!!!! He keeps saying he can't wait to introduce me etc. So I'm MEGA confused.