Reconciling with (recent) ex

[Saracena]

Hi everyone - I'm not entirely new to LS (wonderful site by the way) have been posting elsewhere on the site, but realise now this forum is more appropriate given my current emerging situation. Apologies in advance for requesting people to read another thread but all the information to date is contained there.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/548923-one-guys-but-all-thoughts-welcome

 

 

In essence- been in 6 month relationship where ex failed to turn up as usual for a date as expected. Not being familiar with NC rules (I'm learning, so never again!) it appears as if I've inadvertently flouted these so far but would appreciate advice on where I should go from here in terms of making some attempts at reconciling with said ex, given I've (almost certainly) identified the underlying reasons for his 'disappearance'. I would like to feel I've done all I can in the circumstances rather than months later regret not taking any action, when I could have-this happened me before.

 

 

I'd really appreciate any help with situation before it gets to the point of no return.

 

 

Thanks again,

 

 

Saracena

[Saracena]

Any thoughts anyone, please? Don't wish to let this drag on much longer.

[parishes]

just move on

[ScienceGal]

What are the "underlying reasons" for his disappearance?

[paigej91]

Only you know best all of the details of your relationship. If he disappeared, definitely proceed with caution, but also keep an open mind and listen very closely to him (and observe his actions). Depending on your nature and what happened, your own trust issues could be resurfacing and preventing things from emerging. It is possible he has a real reason depending on all of your circumstances (eg: fear that arose because of past negative experiences that had nothing to do with you). But, as I said, proceed with caution and listen to your gut. Don't give your emotions too much credit right now and stay sane by not getting too physical. Ask yourself this question:

 

Does it hurt more to not give a second chance and always wonder "what if" or does it hurt more to give him another chance and get hurt again?

 

It's a risk to give it a shot again, but it's also a risk to walk away. It's ultimately up to you. Good luck with whatever you choose!

Edited October 10, 2015 by paigej91

[Saracena]

Thanks Paigej91 so much for so your response. (I'm only on a short break at work so only short post) but have you read the other thread (I know it's a big ask) or are your comments just general ones based on my first post here? Can you pls clarify what you mean about my own trust issues since this is something my sister has said ie she believes deep down I don't always trust men!!

 

 

At this point, my own gut instinct here tells me he did this because of something he (perceived or otherwise) believed I did or was about to do/as you mention fear owing to a former bad experience, in this case ex-girlfriend who hurt him.

 

 

ScienceGal - in the run up to this I wasn't having full (intercourse) sex with him and an episode which I believe was the trigger here where I perceived (wrongly) I didn't wish to touch him intimately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks again folks. I'll check back later.

Edited October 10, 2015 by Saracena

[paigej91]

Thanks Paigej91 so much for so your response. (I'm only on a short break at work so only short post) but have you read the other thread (I know it's a big ask) or are your comments just general ones based on my first post here? Can you pls clarify what you mean about my own trust issues since this is something my sister has said ie she believes deep down I don't always trust men!!

 

 

At this point, my own gut instinct here tells me he did this because of something he (perceived or otherwise) believed I did or was about to do/as you mention fear owing to a former bad experience, in this case ex-girlfriend who hurt him.

 

I did read your other post, but I didn't read through every single comment in the thread. Overall my comments are mostly general, but some things do apply to the specifics I read. I didn't realize he hadn't given you a firm explanation for his behavior though - make sure you know what happened instead of speculating reasons. Ask him and demand a thorough explanation; ask questions if you have any.

 

In terms of trust issues, some people are prone to assuming the worst in situations like this when in fact, it may be worthwhile to hear someone out. There may not be any real reason to distrust them. Then again, if your gut is telling your otherwise (rather than your insecurities), listen to it.

[Saracena]

I did read your other post, but I didn't read through every single comment in the thread. Overall my comments are mostly general, but some things do apply to the specifics I read. I didn't realize he hadn't given you a firm explanation for his behavior though - make sure you know what happened instead of speculating reasons. Ask him and demand a thorough explanation; ask questions if you have any.

 

 

Thanks again Paigej91. Sorry I haven't been back here having had a week of exams (thankfully over now!) so had to concentrate on those for now.

 

 

Actually, a lot of what you say in your posts makes perfect sense since, having had the opportunity to live and socialise/date in close circles (town where we live and university-where friends and people talk) so I know first hand that relationships issues aren't always straightforward or black and white and things often aren't in reality what they may *appear* to be initially. In other words there are two sides to each story. I'm amazed at some of the things I've discovered months/years later through friends etc which had those involved known at the time, would have led to a more favourable outcome for all concerned.

 

 

I've only (briefly) spoken to him (I called him) following the second occasion when he failed to show up as promised. His response the was that he 'didn't feel like it! (Unusual for him given he's normally very unoffensive) He sounded quite miffed and I also remember the following phrases. (All this was like a bolt from the blue for me at the end of a tiring shift so I didn't 'challenge' any of it! In hindsight of course I should have! Perhaps he was expecting me to)

 

 

• We're not good for each other??? (No idea what he means though suspect it's the sex issue) All I could think of saying was that he's good for me!!
  
• Not going anywhere
  
• We'll end up hurting each other (Suspect he means himself getting hurt as opposed to me)
  
• I'm not going to make something up
  

Given the fact he sounded a bit annoyed and his history of directness I tend to believe these reasons are genuine, though I feel rather profound and mature given his relatively young age. I said little in response. Of course now I wish I had but hadn't thought things through myself at the time nor remembered/isolated the 'trigger' incident.

 

 

Currenty he's working on a project abroad and isn't due back until next month.

[Saracena]

Guys, given this guy is due back in a few days and I'd like to get more perspectives on this, I wonder is anyone could help me out!!! I hope I haven't left it too late so this is somewhat my last chance.

 

 

Looking back now and after some deep thinking on this, I'm certain I should have probed further into his reasons when he announced he 'didn't feel like coming over' (Instead I was very taken aback so said very little, never asked 'why' or 'what do you mean' actually sounding a bit cool and calm in the process the reason being I hadn't remembered the 'bedroom issues' at the time, which in hindsight, he was in all probability annoyed about and the reason behind his not turning up. Now, having thought it over, I realise I must have sounded so nonchalant and ambivalent about it all, Eeeek ) Furthermore, I've since remembered asking him on the very same occasion, if he wanted to finish it, to which he replied 'Not really! Again knowing him, this was probably the truth!

 

 

A few weeks later when I called to work to return his iPad he invited me to come for drink with them as they were all leaving. Again I said nothing!

 

 

At this point, I'm thinking I'll contact him when he gets home to have a chat about it all.