eastern_mystique Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I told my ex about two weeks ago that I wanted him out of my life for a couple of months, an action which I think is mutually beneficial, so I can get on with revision for exams, and with some time apart from each other we'd get a fresh perspective and/or confirm what it is we want from each other. We haven't seen each other for those 2 weeks.....until today. My mum came and picked me up from college and we went into the town centre to grab a few things from the shops. As I was walking out of a shop with her, I looked up and saw the ex, not too far away walking with his friend. He was already looking at me, so we made eye contact for a second, but then I looked away quickly and carried on talking to my mum, and he and his friend carried on walking to wherever it was they were going. Ouch......I knew that at some point we would see each other and have to go through this whole pathetic charade of pretending we don't know each other, but I've been doing my best to avoid it, basically by avoiding any of his usual hangouts. I'd much much much rather not see him at all, than have to see him and pretend like he doesn't exist. I feel horrible for doing it, but what the hell is the correct decorum in a situation like this, anyway?! But still....I felt so sad thinking that we were so close, shared everything and if someone had told us when we were together, that a few months down the line we'd be be acting like complete strangers, we would have both thought it impossible. It feels like such hypocrisy. The only comfort I can get from this is knowing that this is hurting him too. I made such a point of being there for him, that it must feel strange and weird for me to suddenly disappear. He doesn't get someone to confide in, doesn't get a shoulder to cry on, doesn't get someone stroking his ego anymore, doesn't have someone to reminisce about all the good times we had together - he gets nothing.I also remember the look on his face when I told him I needed an extended break from him. It was the same look that he had when he found out that the university he'd really really wanted to be accepted into had rejected his application. It was a look of rejection. Well, good. This post doesn't have a point. I was just thinking how this whole no-communication thing really makes our memories of being together that much more bittersweet, and makes it all seem like some distant, happy dream. It goes without saying that I am absolutely doing the right thing. And there is no way in hell I'm gonna back down and call him or do something similarly stupid. To anyone in a similar situation - stay strong. If you feel that not talking to them is in some way hurting them, then good. Let them burn. It's the only way they'll learn. Staying friends with them after they broke up (esp. for a really lame/vague/flimsy/wishy washy reason)with you is like rewarding them for bad behaviour, and lets face it, people learn much better through punishment. Link to post Share on other sites
mullins Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 To anyone in a similar situation - stay strong. If you feel that not talking to them is in some way hurting them, then good. Let them burn. It's the only way they'll learn. Staying friends with them after they broke up (esp. for a really lame/vague/flimsy/wishy washy reason)with you is like rewarding them for bad behaviour, and lets face it, people learn much better through punishment. Well im only on my 2nd day of NC, and i must say it seems to be working, the friends road wouldnt work for me as it causes too much pain. I did however have to listen to her when she popped by to see my daughter (they stayed outside) Not only did it hurt hearing her, but like you it seemed silly not being able to at least just say hi....wish i knew what she was thinking now (she just left) probably is thinking, great!! i didnt havee to see or hear him :/ I really dont think NC is hurting her in any way shape or form, but its helping me, thats what counts Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I have this perspective of NC, For me NC is a tool and not a solution, this tool is used to arrive at different solutions by different people in different situations. To some NC is for forgetting your ex, to some it is for playing mind games, for some it is to prove your worth, for some it is to make your ex miss you, for some it is some way to get rid of daily inflected pain (those who are dumped) and for some it is like good riddance (Dumpers). Yes ignoring someone whom you loved, someone who was most important in your life is difficult to imagine and think but NC makes it possible. When you think of moving on NC is like an ostrich closing its eyes and thinking no one is seeing him, in the case of relationships it works, if one does NC then he/she does not hear a bit about his/her ex though ex is in this same world and I think it really helps. well my post is not exactly in line with the original poster's post but I felt like putting it. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 The thing about NC is that if your ex dumped you for someone else, chances are having NC will benefit you BOTH. You'll be able to move on and they'll be happy in their new relationship. It's not often you are dumped for someone else and the dumper regrets their decision. So NC is the best choice. But if your Ex dumps you because something is wrong, but not because they have someone else in mind, the odds that NC will do something POSITIVE increases. They need time to miss and appreciate you and if they don't have someone else, they could very well be doing a lot of thinking about what went wrong. But when they have someone else, it makes it much easier for them to forget you and move on. Sad fact, but very true. In that case, NC is essential for you to move on and heal. Link to post Share on other sites
mullins Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Sorry if we are going a bit off topic here lol...... But if your Ex dumps you because something is wrong, but not because they have someone else in mind, the odds that NC will do something POSITIVE increases. They need time to miss and appreciate you and if they don't have someone else, they could very well be doing a lot of thinking about what went wrong. This is kind of what im hoping, my x fell for a fantasy lover online as most here know, i am using NC to stop the pain i go through listening to her tell me im not wanted, plus it helps her to understand what she has loss, as she can no longer come over for meals and sit in the garden, or call me to collect something from the shop, or start her car when the battery is dead. Now i know a woman can do those things for herself, and a relationship is not based on things because its a 'mans' job, and maybe i shouldnt have an ulteria motive for NC (hoping she misses everday things in me) but it IS helping my pain no end! Had i said hi to her earlier, and maybe got my usual hug, i know i would be in tears now....my version of NC is working, i just wish i had started it long ago. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by mullins Sorry if we are going a bit off topic here lol...... This is kind of what im hoping, my x fell for a fantasy lover online as most here know, i am using NC to stop the pain i go through listening to her tell me im not wanted, plus it helps her to understand what she has loss, as she can no longer come over for meals and sit in the garden, or call me to collect something from the shop, or start her car when the battery is dead. That's more than my Ex is doing. She's pretty much cut off all contact with me. The therapist thinks her current relationship is a "rebound" and won't work. She thinks she is using him to forget me. It might work for a little while, but if those feelings creep up again, and her immaturity shines through (it will) she's doomed to fail again. The thing is, I'll be long gone if that happens. Now i know a woman can do those things for herself, and a relationship is not based on things because its a 'mans' job, and maybe i shouldnt have an ulteria motive for NC (hoping she misses everday things in me) but it IS helping my pain no end! Had i said hi to her earlier, and maybe got my usual hug, i know i would be in tears now....my version of NC is working, i just wish i had started it long ago. Yeah me too. I wish I had stuck to it. My ex will email me when she has a question. I will make myself unavailable . Actually, what I planned to say next time she emails me is this: "Got your message, but I am out the door. I'll get back to you later tonight..." and then not email her again. I hate playing games, but she needs to know I will not be there for her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
mullins Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 That's more than my Ex is doing. She's pretty much cut off all contact with me. The therapist thinks her current relationship is a "rebound" and won't work. She thinks she is using him to forget me. It might work for a little while, but if those feelings creep up again, and her immaturity shines through (it will) she's doomed to fail again. The thing is, I'll be long gone if that happens. Mine wanted the friendship, but it hurt me too much, i only found NC by coming on here. You i have noticed sound very much like me...would almost do anything to have your love back, providing she loved you in the same way you love her. I thought my x wanted to be friends, but i think its more of a case to use me for the little things in life...i cant allow that, im worth more. Yes i would love her back, but not as the way things were, i have cried enough tears for a life time for her, she comes back under my terms now, and i know she would never agree. As much as i love her and want her, i have been through too much pain, those painfull memories are what keep my NC going. Of coarse if she said my car wont start, come and fix it and stay the night...then i would do the loser thing, and be straight around there (though i hope im stronger now ) Since we have been apart, we went to bed together 3 times (not to sleep) and i realise she would not kiss my on the lips (plus one other thing she would let me do) and i realise i got used for sex....the things she refused , be it kiss me, or me to go *cough* were the same things a girl you pay doesnt allow....she has a made a complete monkey out of me, and that makes me stronger. Sure i would love her back, but i think she also needs NC to realise the feked up mistake she has made...by then i will have met someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by mullins Mine wanted the friendship, but it hurt me too much, i only found NC by coming on here. You i have noticed sound very much like me...would almost do anything to have your love back, providing she loved you in the same way you love her. I thought my x wanted to be friends, but i think its more of a case to use me for the little things in life...i cant allow that, im worth more. Yes i would love her back, but not as the way things were, i have cried enough tears for a life time for her, she comes back under my terms now, and i know she would never agree. As much as i love her and want her, i have been through too much pain, those painfull memories are what keep my NC going. Of coarse if she said my car wont start, come and fix it and stay the night...then i would do the loser thing, and be straight around there (though i hope im stronger now ) Since we have been apart, we went to bed together 3 times (not to sleep) and i realise she would not kiss my on the lips (plus one other thing she would let me do) and i realise i got used for sex....the things she refused , be it kiss me, or me to go *cough* were the same things a girl you pay doesnt allow....she has a made a complete monkey out of me, and that makes me stronger. Sure i would love her back, but i think she also needs NC to realise the feked up mistake she has made...by then i will have met someone else. Well my ex is emtionally immature. She doesn't know what she wants nor can she articulate it. The amount of growing up she has to do I just don't have the years in me required to wait. So, even though I would love nothing better to have her back, I can't take her back as she is and I can't wait around forever for her to realize what she had. NC is the best thing and I screwed it up. But, here it is, Thursday, and I've made it a whole 5 days. She's never gone a week without sending me an email, so at some point I do expect to hear from her. But the possiblity I won't, much like a freak rainstorm, is approaching faster than I realized. I need to get on with me life. I too am tired of crying over her. I guess when I finally get angry at her and begin to resent the way she treated me I will be well on my way to being healed. Or, the kiss of another woman who makes the butterflies appear, would speed things along. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 It does feel awful not being able to talk to the one you love and having to pretend they are some sort of stranger Or, the kiss of another woman who makes the butterflies appear, would speed things along. Wouldn't it though? I just want to be the first one to find someone else dammit! Not him! I hope he never finds another girlfriend. I want him to be alone and miserable his whole life and me be happy and be like "neener neener" at him for doing me the way he did...I want to someday rub it in his face when I am with some great guy and hopefully he is either alone or with some ugly fat chick. hey a girl can dream right? Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Btw you guys...especially you CIOC~ Wouldn't it be REALLY embarrassing if all our exes read the stuff we have written on here! Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX Btw you guys...especially you CIOC~ Wouldn't it be REALLY embarrassing if all our exes read the stuff we have written on here! No, because at least then she would know the pain I feel is real and will soon be replaced by anger for being treated like dog poo. I wish she could share some of my pain. At least then she would understand what she has done. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Either they would have sympathy or they would think we are pitiful and pathetic for writing so much about them when they don't give a rat's bumper about us! Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX Either they would have sympathy or they would think we are pitiful and pathetic for writing so much about them when they don't give a rat's bumper about us! Actually if my ex knew the damage she caused, she would actually have some sympathy since she's been hurt like that before. But I've held back most of my emotions from her, have not really bugged her much at all and am trying to stick to NC. Therapist thinks she's with this new guy just to get past me and not feel guilty. She also thinks it'll crash. Link to post Share on other sites
Jadey Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Therapist thinks she's with this new guy just to get past me and not feel guilty. She also thinks it'll crash. Yup mine too with my ex.. I hope it does, and that it hurts..As much as i love him.. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by Jadey Yup mine too with my ex.. I hope it does, and that it hurts..As much as i love him.. She's infatuated with him, but there's no basis for love. She wanted to jump right in the sack with the guy. That's not love, that's lust. Link to post Share on other sites
ErinErinErin Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 I'm in the same position as you guys right now...but I do have some interesting things to say about rebound relationships... When I found myself as the Dumper in a longterm relationship, I moved on very fast...Everything with the new guy was great for the first little while, but not for long... I was forever thinking about my ex and the times we had together...I thought about how I hurt him...I couldn't even be intimate with the new guy because I would cry and think about the ex... But still I stayed with the new guy...pride maybe...but I was miserable thinking about the ex... So don't think for one minute that if your ex is being all weird and contacting you and has a new person that they are over you...they may just be proud, but I'm sure that they do miss you guys... Link to post Share on other sites
mullins Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 She's infatuated with him, but there's no basis for love. She wanted to jump right in the sack with the guy. That's not love, that's lust. I wonder if thats what it is with my x, she lied to me and the girls saying she was going to Spain, but instead went to the States and slept with her online lover every night fo 4 nights....knowing he was not in love with her. I would like to hear a womans point of view here, or guys if you had the experience. I know that all her tears are over him, not our breakup, when she is over him will she realise her mistake? will her love for me resuface, or has too much changed? Link to post Share on other sites
Caidy Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 From a woman's perspective, or for anyone's really, why do you want this person's love? She sure doesn't sound like she has it for you. Anyway, to answer your question- I miss my ex like crazy, and yes, I was the dumper. We were engaged, which makes it really hard, because I was so sure I wanted him with me forever. However, recent developments (conflict over general personal interests on both parts, and the fact that he got drunk and totaled my car) made me realize that he's just not good for me. ;-) Doesn't THAT sound like an understatement? He is crying because of how good I am for him, but I know that (at least right now) he's not good at all for me. I would be willing, as your ex might, to try another chance if things were drastically different because I haven't lost love for him. However, if your ex has lost love, then nothing will get her back, even if you are kind to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Jadey Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 She's infatuated with him, but there's no basis for love. She wanted to jump right in the sack with the guy. That's not love, that's lust. I agree. I just find it really hard to figure out why SO many people (normally guys to be honest) go with someone else only like afew weeks after a breakup. Nomatter how much they appaerd to love them or wotever. WHY?! I dont get it. And the hting is most days my ex looks so miserable wouldnt he be happy is this new girl of his is so brilliant. 3 of my friends recently broke up with their boyfriends and all 3 of their exes got a new "girlfriend" in the matter of 2 months And they all seemd so in love aswell.......!? Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by Jadey I agree. I just find it really hard to figure out why SO many people (normally guys to be honest) go with someone else only like afew weeks after a breakup. Nomatter how much they appaerd to love them or wotever. WHY?! I dont get it. And the hting is most days my ex looks so miserable wouldnt he be happy is this new girl of his is so brilliant. 3 of my friends recently broke up with their boyfriends and all 3 of their exes got a new "girlfriend" in the matter of 2 months And they all seemd so in love aswell.......!? Here's why: 1. She felt I had no self confidence. 2. New guy has self confidence. 3. She desires the self confidence she didn't have with me. 4. She equates confidence to sexy. The thing is, she'll eventually see past the smoke screen. I have self confidence, it just wasn't at the level it should have been. When I did put my foot down, she was all over me. I just didn't put it down enough. She's on the rebound with this guy. Love is everything. She might have sex or be having sex with this guy, but it's infatuation, not love. She's clueless to what love means. Link to post Share on other sites
mullins Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 I just could not contemplate another rerlationship right now, to be honest i would have a hard time just having a physical relationship....i want to enjoy the feeling of love again, all the rest will come naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
Jadey Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by mullins I just could not contemplate another rerlationship right now, to be honest i would have a hard time just having a physical relationship....i want to enjoy the feeling of love again, all the rest will come naturally. I totally agree. Wot actually is the definition of a rebound relationship? ANyone? Link to post Share on other sites
mullins Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Jumping into bed with the 1st person that comes along, making yourself believe you are wanted....fek that, we are all groing stronger here i hope! We are starting to know we are happy and complete in ourselves, dont need another to be complete. Link to post Share on other sites
Jadey Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Ah. Sadly im a codependent Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Jumping into the sack right away with someone else is a display of no self-confidence. You need someone else to make you feel good about yourself. It's also for people who can't handle the uncomfortable situation of a breakup. So in order to help them get over someone, they get under another. It's called "Out of the frying pan into the fire..." Link to post Share on other sites
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