Hoping to stop the downhill plunge.... Update.

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt, I really get the impression that you have placed your wife in a battle for the marriage and she is unaware she is fighting.

 

I know you said she does not respond to your attempts to communicate your concerns, but your really putting her in a tough position.

 

This seems to be a common sentiment among a number of posters.

 

 

Can you explain a little more?

[Hopeful714]

You need to communicate. You are communicating this all to us, but not her. Right now though may not be the right time to critique the quality of your sex considering its obvious she is trying... by at least giving what she can. Any complaints will put you further in the hole. No pun intended. Try to get her to open up about what she's feeling. We really don't even know what the issue is yet. Painful sex? Problem with you? Just not feeling it? We can't address the real problem if we don't know what it is.

 

I think you are on the correct path of learning to accept that things are changing with the aging process. There won't be "porn star" sex forever, nor should there be. Everything in life evolves and changes....so must your sex life. A 60-70 yr old having porn star style of sex just seems wrong no? What do you picture at that age?

 

Anyhow, I think you need to continue with the support and help around house. Do everything you can to be a good husband at this time. Not because you want better sex, but because that's how you should be. Appreciate her. Communicate. I think that is the only way to get her to desire you.

 

I also think you need to develop a greater sense of intimacy. Closeness. From what I'm reading....boob sex is all fun and games...but im not feeling a real connection there. Just a release, and one for the team. You need to get the "connection" back.

 

She's only 48. This is just the beginning. Its a good thing your taking the time to figure this out now as it will help you in the future.

[OldRover]

..........

 

I think you are on the correct path of learning to accept that things are changing with the aging process. There won't be "porn star" sex forever, nor should there be. Everything in life evolves and changes....so must your sex life. A 60-70 yr old having porn star style of sex just seems wrong no? What do you picture at that age?

 

...............

 

Just FWIW.... there are MANY folks that enjoy porn star or better sex in their 60s 70s and 80s. Nothing wrong with it.

 

In fact I personally know a guy that was in that class in his 90s!

 

Sex doesn't have to stop....ever. Unfortunately a lot of folks have been told that it has to end.... BS.

 

As for OP, he can look forward to a LONG and GREAT sex life. He just needs to get his OP on the same page.

[Hopeful714]

That is great to know! I hope I can have that! However, getting through the 50's is tough enough! I sure hope this gets better:)

[Lion Heart]

This seems to be a common sentiment among a number of posters.

 

 

Can you explain a little more?

 

Oldshirt, my posts here are in NO way to demean your efforts. In fact I read most contributors applauding your efforts. As am I! I think you've done an amazing job at analyzing all elements of your M and both spouse's personalities too.

 

I understand that your W is affronted by talking about your M. My WH was too. He was scared. That's another story. You may need to work on creating a safe space for your W to talk honestly and openly but that could take time. She may just not be a deep person and may NEVER be IDK.

 

If I couldn't get through to my H and have a relaxed banter that lets me know what's inside his head I'd be majorly concerned. I have been. It's changed now. My next step (without the openness) was to take myself off to MC but he was willing to attend also. So I didn't have to go it alone.

 

I think the ultimate issue for you is her level of intimacy during sex / love making. The hurry ups. Looking at the clock. That is horrible. I'd hate to be timed too. But with children sometimes we BOTH have to hurry up and that's funny! But I see not funny in your case.

 

Ofcourse the communication remains a major barrier for your M.

 

Two things:

1) could you write a love letter to her? Not listing her faults or hitting things "hard" but a gentle one. Saying how much she means to you. How you're willing to support her. That she's the woman you love and married to be your life partner. You appreciate all she does. You're making many changes to become the best person you can for you, her and your children. That you would love a shared level of intimacy so you know for sure she's as into you as you are her. That's the rub that last line. But do 99% positive affirmation first!

 

2) Consider taking the load off her by hiring a house cleaner. And a trusted baby sitter. I know you both work outside the home (as we do too) so the pressures on a mother to be a "good wife" can be overwhelming. The kids are EASY IMHO! And we have many. Getting that romantic "ready" feeling is difficult for some people. I think you need more gentle couple time. Rediscover each other. A massage class taken together. More weekends or overnight stays away in a spa type atmosphere. Make sure you do everything you can to prep the house work / kids to allow her time to get herself and her "things" ready.

 

Overall and underlying may be the critical point of difference here. That SHE feels she's giving ALL the intimacy she's capable of. You don't think it's enough. Like I say IDK.

 

I respect you. I applaud your efforts. I'm sure you're both incredible people. I hope neither of you feel like you're settling for less than you want. Sometimes we get a smack in the face with reality.

 

X Lion Heart.

[S2B]

What happened for your anniversary? Did you feel connected with your wife?

 

Did you two exchange gifts? And was she genuinely happy to celebrate the day with you?

[oldshirt]

What happened for your anniversary? Did you feel connected with your wife?

 

Did you two exchange gifts? And was she genuinely happy to celebrate the day with you?

 

 

 

I'll post an anniversary update in the next day or so when I get time to organize my thoughts and put it in words.

[oldshirt]

I'll post the anniversary update in a moment but first I want to clarify a couple things that people seem concerned about -

 

 

- first in regards to the 'communication' concern, Yes I have not brought things up directly yet, but that is because I want to address some things with myself first. I want to get into better shape/look sharper, be a little more intuned with the household and family etc and make sure that I am not pressuring her or making her more defensive before things come up for full discussion. I just want to be the best I can be and have more credibility and have my ducks in a row before it comes up before the full House and Senate so to speak. At some point things will be discussed openly, I just don't have a day and time set yet.

 

 

- People seem to be concerned that I am going to do this is silence and if things are just right by a certain day I am going to pack up and leave without warning. That is also not true at all. She is not going to be blindsided and I am not going to do anything major behind her back or without warning. If it ever comes to that she will be given more than ample opportunity to discuss and work on the issues and given the opportunity for MC/IC and all other options to work on things before it ever comes down to pulling the ejection handle.

 

 

Now I will say she will be given the opportunity for MC and to work on things. If she opts not to do those things and opts to just call it a day, that is on her. But I am not going to blindside anyone or pack up one day out of the blue without warning.

[oldshirt]

OK so Tuesday we celebrated our 20th anniversary. We both had the day off together and kids were in school so we had a day all to ourselves.

 

 

I was keeping a few suprises but in the days leading up it I had let her know that she needed to pack a swimsuit and "something slinkly," so she pretty much knew that at some point in the day it would involve a motel and pool/hottub and that there was an expectation of some kind of sexy time.

 

 

In the days leading up to it, there was really no hesitation or excuses or any kind of disclaimers or anything like that on her part indicating that she was going to try to avoid any kind of sexy activities or that she was going to come up with any reasons she couldn't.

 

 

When got home Monday evening she had spray tanned during the day and was looking like bronze beauty and her nails were all polished nice and bright and she was looking good. I also saw she had packed a bag that was waiting in the closet and the bag had two wine glasses and some slinky lingerie so I took that all as green lights for Big Daddy Oldshirt to bring on his A Game :-D

 

 

So we got all dressed up and went out for a nice sit down lunch at fine dining restaurant and had a nice talk and reflection on our 20 years together. I one point I said a couple things that I regretted and wished that I had done better during our marriage and that I hoped I was doing better now.

 

 

In that discussion she did get a little choked up and puffy eyed and said she regretted how much she shut me out and neglected me when the kids came and were little. She said she now knows she should have spread the love out a little more and knows that it did do damage to our relationship and marriage which she now regrets.

 

 

I don't know if that is really here or now with current issues but I did take note of that and do appreciate her acknowledging that.

 

 

So anyway getting back to the day. We left lunch, ran an errand and then went to an adult bookstore and picked out a new funky vibrator and some high quality lube and then headed to the motel.

 

 

I had a western ranch themed theme room suite with an inroom Jacuzzi and fire place. she changed into her lingerie and we cuddled up on the couch in front of the fireplace (it was a cold, rainy day here that day so the fireplace was nice) and opened up the wine. We sipped wine and kind of flirted and bantered for awhile and then I broke out a little sexy adult boardgame.

 

 

While I set that up, she got out a little bag of rose petals and spread them on the kingsized bed.

 

 

The game only lasted about 20 minutes or so before one thing lead to another and then another and so on and I am sure you can see where all of this was leading ;-) :-) :-D

 

 

 

 

All in all it was a very nice day. Our little afternoon tryst was quite nice all in all. It wasn't awkward, I never caught her looking at the clock. We used what seemed a gallon of high quality lube but she never had any overt grimacing or outward signs of pain.

 

 

She was able to have a few orgasms which was pretty good because she has pretty much been a 'one-then-done' girl lately. Once she had her last one she was done and basically told me it was my turn as she was done and didn't have anything left in the tank.

 

 

We had a towel in arms reach so she could do an immediate wipe down but I told her not to run off to the shower so we did lay and cuddle and had some pillow talk for awhile but after a handful of minutes I could tell she biting at the bit to get to the shower. I'll give her a little slack on that one as we had used so much lube it had kind of gotten every where and we were both a little sticky and gunked up.

 

 

To summarize, it was a nice romantic, sexy getaway. There were a couple little suprises, there were no problems or hang ups and no significant gigs or issues. It was a good day :-)

[Els]

Glad to hear the both of you had an amazing time.

 

I really hope this shows you that she's wanting to try and salvage your marriage, too. It would benefit you greatly to appreciate these times and accept that perfection isn't possible, instead of getting upset if there is a dry spell here and there. She's trying. You're trying. As long as both of you do that, you're likely to be able to work out a compromise that both of you are happy with. But if you go on the warpath any time there is a drop in her libido, you'll spiral into the vicious cycle all over again.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[S2B]

Congrats, sounds like the day went well!!

[turnera]

Nice job. One thing I often forget to advise but I see worked well in your situation is that you are the one to apologize first. Apologies are SUCH a strong weapon.

 

Now keep this stuff up! Don't let your marriage get stale again!

[NewLeaf512]

You did it . I like nice endings

[anna121]

I'm curious. Do you feel that unless she has multiple orgasms she is not "really" enjoying sex with you? Do you need that from her in order to feel satisfied yourself?

[Lion Heart]

OK so Tuesday we celebrated our 20th anniversary. We both had the day off together and kids were in school so we had a day all to ourselves. .....

 

To summarize, it was a nice romantic, sexy getaway. There were a couple little suprises, there were no problems or hang ups and no significant gigs or issues. It was a good day :-)

 

Great news. Almost had a teary at that romantic day but smiled instead. You guys rock.

LH

[oldshirt]

Thanks for the words of support and encouragement. It was a nice day and things went relatively smoothly, but obviously this wasn't a cure-all and I am under no illusions that things are going to be all sunshine and butterflies from here on out.

 

I am going to keep working on things the best I can and am going to stick with my current efforts although I may tweek and update a few parts of my plan a bit.

 

I will respond to a few posts shortly and I will try to post my updated plan going forward in a day or so.

 

I will continue to seek input and pointers as I go forward as this has been helpful for me.

[oldshirt]

 

 

1. Be a more involved husband and father in the home.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Start hitting the gym more regularly and more effectively.

 

 

3. I'm also going to update the wardrobe a bit and bump up the grooming and such.

 

4. I'm going to bump up the snooping to see if there are any 3rd party involvements.

 

 

5. I am going to work on being my happy, smiling self and work real hard on my outcome independence.

 

 

6. I am going to take sex out of the equation for now. In other words I am not going to hit on her, initiate or make any attempts to have sex with her. If she initiates or wants some lovins, I will love her up to the best of my ability. But if she doesn't initiate somehow, I won't either.

 

 

7. Get a little more educated about menopause and learn more about treatment options and ways to adapt and deal with it better in the bedroom.

 

 

8. and finally, while I won't bitch or whine, I will hold her accountable if she does something disrespectful, bitchy or inappropriate.

 

 

 

 

.

 

So it's been a little over a month since I had my little meltdown and instituted the above plan.

 

 

During that time there's been few things I've noticed but I would say that anything was a major breakthrough or anything.

 

 

I do think she has been a bit more comfortable with common every day affectionate things like hugs and drive by strokes and things like that. I do think cutting way back on initiating sexual encounters has made her a little more comfortable with other physical affection.

 

 

Our anniversary last week was nice and the sex wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. I wouldn't call it wild monkey sex by any stretch of the imagination, but at least she wasn't looking at the clock telling me to hurry up and get it over with.

 

 

That was last Tuesday and we really haven't had sex since then. She did give me a BJ last weekend that was kind of a 50/50 initiation between the two of us. She kind of gave me the green light for some kind of lovin's and then she gave me the BJ but didn't want anything back in return.

 

 

She has been sick with a nasty cold (similar to the one I had a couple weeks ago) so I really haven't been around her much this week.

 

 

So anyway, moving forward I do think I am going to tweek my plan a little bit and see how things go from here for now.

 

 

About the only changes are #s 4, 6 and 7.

 

 

With # 4, I am going to continue to keep my eyes and ears open and check her phone, Facebook and email periodically and stay vigilant and dig a little deeper if something trips off the Suspicion Meter, but I'm not going to burn up too much time and energy on it unless I come across something that warrants further investigation.

 

 

With #6, I am going to continue to be a nonpressuring as I can and will primarily try to play off of her signals and only make a definitive move if I am getting some clear green lights, but I will loosen it up a little bit so that we are not going weeks and weeks between encounters. I figure I need to be somewhat proactive if for no other reason than so she doesn't think that I've lost interest. And I will try to not let myself go so long that I start to look towards other women.

 

 

#7 I definitely will bump up and start looking more into menopausal issues and how people deal with menopause and it's effects.

 

 

 

 

So that's my update for now. If anyone has any other ideas or suggestions or anything I'm all ears.

[BlueIris]

Do you have hesitation about #1?

[oldshirt]

Do you have hesitation about #1?

 

 

 

Huh? What do you mean?

 

 

 

 

I am still working on doing #1.