Desperately want him back, but still have doubts and he is "cheating".

[smackie9]

Your BF says you are too clingy?? It's no wonder he finds this career driven independent female associate of his so refreshing.

[Redhead14]

Three is always a crowd. If you truly loved your boyfriend there would be no debate here. You "keeping" another man at your house for any reason whatsoever, is disrespectful to the relationship. Money issues aside, the guy your "keeping" needs to hit the road. You should not be anyone's keeper.

 

but of course it would be unreasonable for us to be sleeping together every night and not have sex -- REALLLLY!!!!!!!!! So you often have sex with men with whom you are "not soulmates", men who use you, and men who are "lazy, argumentative, and rather immature." Right now, you are sleeping with him because your boyfriend isn't an option for that.

 

who do not even know me -- You are not being judged here. And, it's really not about gold digging. You are being criticized in this thread because it says a ton about you on other levels. You use poor judgement, you allow yourself to be used by a man that you've tried to help get a job, is not very motivated, and gotten and lost 3 jobs since he's been there and is lazy argumentative and immature.

 

if you actually KNEW me -- We do actually know you. You are posting like so many other women who come here who a)don't know themselves very well, b) don't know their own minds, c) can't exercise good judgement or exercise self-control for a month while her boyfriend traveled, d) don't know how to establish boundaries and e) have put themselves in a bad position. One that is embarrassing and ill-conceived.

 

Leave both of these men behind. Get focused on yourself and your own life and a strong, independent, secure woman in her own right. You cheated on your boyfriend, you're afraid to be "own your own" after those 7 years and want to go back to your "comfort zone". Well, that's not going to happen because you will never be able to be comfortable again in that relationship even if he takes you back.

 

Sometimes a rope gets so tangled up, a smart sailor will cut it or throw it away. This rope is really tangled, but you're hanging yourself with it.

[stillafool]

Don't feel bad OP, the independent business woman who meets with your Ex is probably planning how she will give him toe curling sex also so continue on with your friend.

[S2B]

I do think you need to tell him you cheated. Because he will eventually find out. And when he does and you are older you will have less options.

 

A guy like him looks for a gal like you that 'needs him'. He can control and manipulate you because you will be dependent on his money.

 

 

And choosing him because he offers stability with money will leave you feeling resentful that you have to be accountable for every dollar (asking him for money every time you want to buy something).

 

 

So what if you take an average job for now. Some money is better than no money! You start working so you have something in your work history instead of nothing. You do it so you become self reliant and proud that you can provide for yourself and be independent.

 

 

Why doesn't the other guy work? Is there drugs involved? Does he do drugs? Have you done drugs? I don't know many kids your ages that haven't had any jobs except kids with a history of drugs. So, I'm just asking to get a feel for what's been stopping you two from working.

 

 

He's living with your Mom...what's his plan to get out of there? If he's not working - when is he planning to work and earn money to move out? You may actually be helping him stay stagnant by allowing him to live there for free.

 

 

Don't move in with the rich guy. You will be under his power and control just because you need his money.

 

Get a job while you go to school. Earn your own way and become proud of your OWN accomplishments. They will seem small at first but they do add up and you will be a better person for it.

[jmiller1991]

Well, I have good news! We worked it out. In large part this is because of the advice I got here, especially SB2s, so I would like to again thank you all for your input. Other than the few haters and judgers, most of you helped me to see this from a more broad perspective.

 

I thought about what you all said about me, and I realized you guys were right. I have been acting dependent, immature, and weak. I had no right to be so jealous, there is really no evidence of anything going on with her, and he has to do what he does to provide for us. I'm just very insecure and like someone said I was projecting my own cheating on him. I assumed he would cheat to get me back. But he is not like that, and it's unfair for me to be so suspicious. Plus, who the hell am I to complain when I cheated first? I have acted like a hypocrite, just like someone said.

 

I called him today and told him all this. I was crying, and I told him I wanted him back more than anything, and that god rest my soul I would never ever cheat on him again. His response was to try and turn the tables and blame himself. He said he had been neglecting me because of his work, and he promised to replace this woman asap. But I said no, it was fine, I could trust him on this. We argued about that for awhile, and we both agreed that since he only needed her for another month, he could keep contacting her.

 

I feel really good now. I know we are right for each other, and I know we both really understand each other now. The only thing left to take care of now is getting rid of my friend. Well, I shouldn't say "get rid of", we will always be friends, but I definitely had to make it clear, and be sure, that our friendship will never again be more than just that, in other words, no more "benefits". And I have to find him somewhere to stay.

 

I will be talking to him here in a few and will let you know how it goes. I will be telling my friend that I will pay for him to get into an apt, but then that's it. He's on his own. And as far as him saying he loves me and wants to be with me, well, he will just have to accept that it isn't in the cards. I have already found my soulmate, his is still out there. And I will be insisting that we never even be alone together in the same room ever again, as a rule. That is going to hurt him, but I think it is necessary due to the strong physical/sexual connection that we have. There is no need to subject either of us to that kind of temptation. I know he's going to try and talk me out of this, but I'm sticking firm on it. I will never again f*ck up and hurt the only man I have ever loved. So I hope he really enjoys this last month or two of pity sex, because after that it simply ain't happening.... EVER.

 

But anyways, again, thank you all for your advice. It has really helped. I'll let you know how it goes with my friend.

[66Charger]

I agree. Dont move in with the rich guy. He will just use you, abuse you and throw you away. And he is cheating on you and will always cheat on you. That hussy is giving him mind blowing sex right now as you are reading this!! Do you really want to be with someone who is contemplating marriage and moving in and having sex with another guy, I mean girl? No way!!! Stay with your best freind. He is young and it can work out. There are way more important things. You can do it. Get a education and then a job, but DONT MARRY OR MOVE IN WITH YOUR BF. The nerve of that guy. Talking to his coworker, while the only thing you are doing is having a occasional nightly orgasm!! After all, its unreasonable that since your friend is living with you, you are SUPPOSED to have sex, right? Just cause you and your bf agreed to get back together and marry in a year, THATS NOT A COMMITMENT!!. Can you believe that guy!!!

 

I agree with you OP

 

Your BF is a cheater, liar and a loser!!!

 

Dump him today!!!

[frigginlost]

Well, I have good news! We worked it out. In large part this is because of the advice I got here, especially SB2s, so I would like to again thank you all for your input. Other than the few haters and judgers, most of you helped me to see this from a more broad perspective.

 

I thought about what you all said about me, and I realized you guys were right. I have been acting dependent, immature, and weak. I had no right to be so jealous, there is really no evidence of anything going on with her, and he has to do what he does to provide for us. I'm just very insecure and like someone said I was projecting my own cheating on him. I assumed he would cheat to get me back. But he is not like that, and it's unfair for me to be so suspicious. Plus, who the hell am I to complain when I cheated first? I have acted like a hypocrite, just like someone said.

 

I called him today and told him all this. I was crying, and I told him I wanted him back more than anything, and that god rest my soul I would never ever cheat on him again. His response was to try and turn the tables and blame himself. He said he had been neglecting me because of his work, and he promised to replace this woman asap. But I said no, it was fine, I could trust him on this. We argued about that for awhile, and we both agreed that since he only needed her for another month, he could keep contacting her.

 

I feel really good now. I know we are right for each other, and I know we both really understand each other now. The only thing left to take care of now is getting rid of my friend. Well, I shouldn't say "get rid of", we will always be friends, but I definitely had to make it clear, and be sure, that our friendship will never again be more than just that, in other words, no more "benefits". And I have to find him somewhere to stay.

 

I will be talking to him here in a few and will let you know how it goes. I will be telling my friend that I will pay for him to get into an apt, but then that's it. He's on his own. And as far as him saying he loves me and wants to be with me, well, he will just have to accept that it isn't in the cards. I have already found my soulmate, his is still out there. And I will be insisting that we never even be alone together in the same room ever again, as a rule. That is going to hurt him, but I think it is necessary due to the strong physical/sexual connection that we have. There is no need to subject either of us to that kind of temptation. I know he's going to try and talk me out of this, but I'm sticking firm on it. I will never again f*ck up and hurt the only man I have ever loved. So I hope he really enjoys this last month or two of pity sex, because after that it simply ain't happening.... EVER.

 

But anyways, again, thank you all for your advice. It has really helped. I'll let you know how it goes with my friend.

 

Bravo!

 

Congrats, you have taken the first step in doing the right thing. Your BF seems like a pretty stand-up guy. When you have doubts about you and him, remember what his actions have shown you.

 

Things will be a little rough for you guys for a while, but it might just work out.

 

Good job!

[smackie9]

See? communication wasn't that hard now was it. This is how to keep a relationship healthy and on track. Best of luck, and keep talking!

[66Charger]

Good job?

 

One last month of pity sex is a good job? So, you are going to continue to cheat on your bf FOR A MONTH, , use his money to get your lover a apartment and then commit to him and tell him everything?. This is obviously a troll or true delusion.

[PaperCrane]

I'm hedging my bets on troll at this point, either as the physical or interwebs incarnation.

[S2B]

My encouragement was for you to get a job and earn your own money - while being honest with the rich guy.

 

Glad you had a talk with him. Hope you were honest! I'm a bit skeptical about how he could forgive so easily? It may come back at you later since it hasn't been dealt with in a healthy manner...yet.

 

I was saying to provide for yourself. Are you doing that? Even IF you move back in are you planning to work and support yourself? Leaving yourself at the mercy of this guy and his money is the same concept as pimping yourself out. Get a job. Stay busy earning money. You'll have more to talk about and hopefully you'll obtain some more significant goals FOR yourself.

 

 

The guy can't possibly be emotionally mature if he didn't ask for therapy for you when you told him. Something inside of you is broken and you need to fix it - you need professional help! Help so you know why you cheated and how you never do it again. What if your BF goes on another trip - for two months? How can we know you won't cheat? What will you do to cope instead of cheat?

 

These are things YOU need to work on.

 

 

And you are codependent. It's not your responsibility to take care of the mooch with your Mom. It's HIS responsibility. He needs a job. He needs to move! Why isn't your Mom saying something? Why is she allowing him to be there for free? He needs to help himself - it's not YOUR job to look out for him.

 

You didn't answer - is he a drug user? Are you?

 

 

Address your codependency with a trained therapist. This will affect all your relationships if you don't get help!

 

I don't see it as a healthy sign that your rich guy took you back so easily - I see it as him having no boundary, which isn't healthy.

[jmiller1991]

I was saying to provide for yourself. Are you doing that? Even IF you move back in are you planning to work and support yourself? Leaving yourself at the mercy of this guy and his money is the same concept as pimping yourself out. Get a job. Stay busy earning money. You'll have more to talk about and hopefully you'll obtain some more significant goals FOR yourself.

 

I am going back to school after I move back in with him. My plan is to get a job once I can find something entry-level in my field.

 

 

The guy can't possibly be emotionally mature if he didn't ask for therapy for you when you told him. Something inside of you is broken and you need to fix it - you need professional help! Help so you know why you cheated and how you never do it again. What if your BF goes on another trip - for two months? How can we know you won't cheat? What will you do to cope instead of cheat?

 

I know why I cheated. I was bored and didn't appreciate us. After 7 years, I was tempted by something new and different. You have to remember that I haven't dated anyone else since I was 16. I just got cold feet, something I think happens in every long term relationship. I know this is never going to happen again because I've gotten taste of "freedom", and it ended up being a living hell. Remembering this nightmare is how I will cope.

 

And you are codependent. It's not your responsibility to take care of the mooch with your Mom. It's HIS responsibility. He needs a job. He needs to move! Why isn't your Mom saying something? Why is she allowing him to be there for free? He needs to help himself - it's not YOUR job to look out for him.

 

You didn't answer - is he a drug user? Are you?

 

We don't use drugs, but we both smoke a lot of weed. I know it's ultimately his responsibility to take care of himself, but with no job he will need help to get back on his feet. As his best friend since high school, I do think it's my job to help him get a place, after all, I agreed he could move in here originally. This is all my fault too, at least as much as his, I wouldn't feel right kicking him out with no place to lay his head.

 

My mom does say something. She's eager to both of us out of here. I think the only reason she has let us stay here so long is because I give her rent money and help with bills and groceries.

 

 

Address your codependency with a trained therapist. This will affect all your relationships if you don't get help! I don't see it as a healthy sign that your rich guy took you back so easily - I see it as him having no boundary, which isn't healthy.

 

Well, I hope you're wrong. We also don't think it would be healthy to just take each other back so easily. We know it will take time to repair the relationship, time to rebuild trust. That is why we are basically like starting over. Until I move back in, we have just been dating like we did when we first met. I told him I didn't even think we should be intimate until then, and he agreed. Only hugs and kisses, but they are very heartfelt and passionate. It's very romantic really. I even got the butterflies again, just like when we first dated! I think by taking it slow, it's rekindled our feelings for each other.

 

I am going to talk to my friend here soon. I will let you know how it goes.

[insert_name]

Obvious troll is obvious.

[mattelipstick]

Obvious troll is obvious.

 

Yup. No way somebody is this proud to be a terrible person lol.

[Winterina]

nevermind...

[S2B]

I'm not sure how you figure it's your job to help the friend who's been free loading off of you and your Mom.

 

It's HIS responsibility to do all the things FOR himself.

 

You need help girlfriend - you've gotten things terribly backwards in life.

 

Please seek professional help for your problem solving skills, lack of boundaries and codependency issues.

[lana-banana]

We don't use drugs, but we both smoke a lot of weed.

 

Kids these days...

[jmiller1991]

Well, last night I had the "long talk" with my friend. It was hard, but I was very firm with him. I told him that although I loved him, it was just not the same as the love I have for my bf. I told him straight up that my bf was my soulmate, not him. Our relationship was going nowhere, and it was time for us to move on - as friends, nothing more. I told him my decision was final, and that there was no way I was going to ever do anything that could jeapordize my future marriage.

 

It worked out well by the time it was over, but at first it was a bit rough. As I suspected, he tried to talk me out of it. Hardcore. He begged and pleaded, on his knees at one point. He told me he loved me and couldn't live without me. Lots of hugs and kisses, which made it hard. But I held firm. I reminded him that he told me he would accept this if it ever came down to it, and he admitted that. Then he finally gave in and admitted that it was probably for the best anyway. The look in his eyes literally made me want to cry.

 

Then we moved on to the second phase - finding him a place to live. It was here that my friend was a total ass. He was actually being picky about the apt we would get! He complained about all of my ideas, either the area was not safe or they just were not nice enough. This really pissed me off, after I had already got him a car and a new wardrobe to help him get back on his feet, in addition to all the other things I had bought him just because we're friends. I swear he can be so self-centered sometimes, it's sickening.

 

We eventually decided on a pretty nice complex close to where my bf lives. Well, he decided, I didn't like the idea but he talked me into it. I thought they were too expensive considering he wasn't even paying for it, and I also was torn on the idea of him being so close to me. On the one hand, I liked that it would be convenient to visit him, as I wanted our friendship to continue. But on the other hand, I didn't like him being that close given the intensely strong physical/intimate bond we have. I though it might be too tempting for both of us, because I KNOW we're going to have our cravings after stopping cold turkey. I mean, we've been having mind blowing sex non-stop since I left my bf, at least 3-4 times a day, and we both still have cravings when we're apart, even though it's only been several hours! I will actually get the shakes sometimes, it's so bad. So I thought a 5 min drive might be too short, too great a temptation given the circumstances.

 

But I gave in after we visited the place. It was really nice, and I liked that it had a pool, a gym, and a tennis court, so we would have things to do when I visited him. We couldn't sign a lease yet because his mom still has to co-sign, but in about a week things should be ready. We also tried getting to know the neighborhood while we where there, since it was such a long drive. All in all we had a good, if sad, day. We had lots of fun, but it was very sad because we both knew our little "escapade" was ending. But I think we both have come to peace with this, because we know it's not only right, but is what will ultimately be best for both of us in the long run.

 

So all in all, I guess it went pretty well. My friend knows that this is what is best, and I think he's accepted the fact that we are not relationship material, as I have. But we both also know that we will always be friends, and we'll always be there for each other in our times of need. We will miss the physical intimacy, but we will always be best friends forever.

 

Again, thanks to everyone who helped me work through this. Even tho I didn't agree or follow all of it, I still greatly appreciate all the POVs. I wouldn't have been able to think as clearly about it otherwise.

[Winterina]

Obvious troll is obvious.

 

Too obvious...