21 and wants a divorce...

[SFox]

My young marriage has literally been a roller coaster ride...and a bad one at that. My husband, which I will refer to him as 'K,' started dating when we were only 14. Although we went to different high schools that were 20 minutes apart, we still made it work. I would go to his football games on Friday nights, K went my colorguard competitions on Saturday, and spent the day together at my parent's house on Sunday.

 

After graduating high school in 2012, I continued on to college in Florida but he joined the Navy. After being apart for one year, we decided that I would transfer universities and get married in 2014 so we could live together. Ever since the wedding day, there have been so many red flags that getting married was a huge mistake.

 

For starters, he was 4 hours late to our small beach wedding. He even invited one of his Naval buddies to stay with us...in our room at the Ritz Carlton...on our wedding night! Everyone, especially me, was pissed and K could not understand why I was mad because he just wanted to drink with his friend ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT. (Fast forward a couple months after the wedding) I finally move in with him, but we had to live in the bachelor barracks for 3 months since he decided to buy a house. We fought so many times living in this tiny barrack that was smaller than my old college dorm room. When we finally moved into our new home, our sex life became non existent. It's been one year and I could count how many times we had sex on one hand! Between the time that we moved into our house 08/14 to 07/15, we have gone through countless fights that involved him breaking things, inviting his buddies to party at our house (that I had to clean up the next day), being broke 24/7 because all of our money went to the house payment, him calling me names (slut, whore, bitch), times where he said he would come home from work (only to never come home and I could not reach him), and finding out that he was talking/sexting many girls in our area.

 

To somehow reconcile, K came home (after not hearing from him for three weeks) telling me that he chose his new orders. Since I absolutely love Japan and their culture, he said he asked to be sent there next year with me and it was approved. Of course, I was really happy because that means I get to go Japan for 4 years. So, we sold the house and I moved back to my parents house 1000 miles away in 07/15. Since I have been back with my family, I realized that I did not miss living near the Naval base. I didn't miss the uninvited parties, being alone at the house and crying, coming home from from work only to realize he was God knows where for weeks, having no friends in my area, the name calling, the fights.....I don't even miss K who I have realized is not the same person I knew in high school. We both changed and we are not the same. He was suppose to send me 200$ every two weeks since he receives extra money for being married. It's been over two months and I have yet to see one cent. In fact, I think we talked on the phone maybe 5 times since I have been back with my parents. It feels like I am not even married from the lack of contact we have.

 

We have been married since 02/14 when we were 20 and I have completely fallen out of love with this violent stranger (who was never violent when we were kids and was a very sweet guy). He completely changed when joined the Navy. The only thing holding me back from this decision is K choosing Japan just for me (when he didn't have any desire to go there). But, that would make extremely selfish to stay with this marriage just to go to Japan and I am not that kind of person to use someone like that It's more like I feel guilt that he chose Japan for me when he doesn't even want to be stationed there.

 

To make things even more confusing, I made an amazing penpal friend in Japan that I Skype almost everyday (who encourages me to work in their hometown with a work visa after I graduate and I can homestay with his family). I realize now that I absolutely want to move to Japan with a work visa after I graduate college next year. But, I do not want to go with K and go as a single woman.

[Winterina]

I am not even going to go into whom you are married to. Others will tell you that.

 

I want to tell you this - Your husband will have even more control over you when you are alone in a foreign country across the world. Things will get even worse.

Do not under any circumstances go with him. I don't say this often but... Divorce him right away.

 

Think who you would you be if you went with a guy you don't love just because of the country? I doubt he did anything for you here, he might have not had a chance to chose where he is deployed and just passed it off as a favour to you.

 

Japan will always be there. Get a job, get someone who will treat you nicely and whom you love and then go there. Japan is expensive and you will not be able to do much in either case without substantial cash.

Do not rely on any friends or anyone else.

 

You are 21. You are a baby. Life is ahead of you.

You don't realise it now but this can leave permanent marks on your self-esteem and you will feel consequences much later.

[darkbloom]

My only question is why did you say yes to legally binding yourself via marriage to someone with that many red flags?

 

If he didn't respect you enough to show up on time to his own wedding then I don't expect youll fare well in another country with him. Yikes.

[Winterina]

My only question is why did you say yes to legally binding yourself via marriage to someone with that many red flags?

 

If he didn't respect you enough to show up on time to his own wedding then I don't expect youll fare well in another country with him. Yikes.

 

1. She was 14 when they met!!! She knew not much about the relationships.

2. She already explained that he changed after Navy and that he was sweet guy before. He was a highschool kid before and people change at that age.

[darkbloom]

1. She was 14 when they met!!! She knew not much about the relationships.

2. She already explained that he changed after Navy and that he was sweet guy before. He was a highschool kid before and people change at that age.

 

Please note that she didn't get married at 14. And he changed and had lots of bright and shiny red flags BEFORE she married him.

 

I am asking an honest and genuine question as to why she said yes.

 

Focus on the topic please.

[d0nnivain]

While you are military spouse avail yourself of the counseling available to you. Beg your husband to come to counseling with you.

 

 

But if he won't go, set the wheels in motion for a divorce. Do not go to a foreign country with him. Also curtail your interactions with this pen pal, an EA won't help things until you are legally untangled.

 

 

Where are your parents in all of this?

[qubist]

SFox: your Husband needs some serious help, what he is experiencing is unfortunately common within members of the arm forces. Have you suggested counseling or independent counsel for him?

Do not go with him overseas before you handle this. Do not give up on him yet till he gets his music me set right

[GunslingerRoland]

You clearly made a mistake... usually I tell people to fight for their marriages, but you haven't put a single compelling reason why I would tell you to do that.

 

However I would caution you about your Japan trip... you sound like someone who doesn't necessarily make friends really easily. If that is the case going to a foreign country might not be the best decision.

[Winterina]

Please note that she didn't get married at 14. And he changed and had lots of bright and shiny red flags BEFORE she married him.

 

I am asking an honest and genuine question as to why she said yes.

 

Focus on the topic please.

 

It is the topic sweetheart.

 

You fail to see the big picture here, and that a 14 years old child does not particularly grow in a relationship with the same man and does not understand much about love life outside of that single experience.

 

Even if there were red flags before the marriage, do you really think that she should have had brains and experience of 30 or 40 year old to recognize the gravity of all that and react in the most appropriate way? Even people in their 30s choose to ignore red flags, and hope it is just temporary, make excuses, etc.

 

No wonder at all that this happened to her. Why did it happened? Because she was and still is in many ways a child and very inexperienced.

[OldRover]

It is the topic sweetheart.

 

You fail to see the big picture here, and that a 14 years old child does not particularly grow in a relationship with the same man and does not understand much about love life outside of that single experience.

 

Even if there were red flags before the marriage, do you really think that she should have had brains and experience of 30 or 40 year old to recognize the gravity of all that and react in the most appropriate way? Even people in their 30s choose to ignore red flags, and hope it is just temporary, make excuses, etc.

 

No wonder at all that this happened to her. Why did it happened? Because she was and still is in many ways a child and very inexperienced.

 

Agreed, they are both immature and inexperienced and married way too young with little planning. Their chance of success is minimal.

[BlueIris]

SFox, I agree with Winterina across the board. Never hesitate to leave someone who treats you like he does. Don't feel any guilt. Just get out safely, ok?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You're not in a real marriage. Get an annulment or divorce. Go to Japan & enjoy your youth.

[MJJean]

You don't live together.

You very rarely speak.

You don't have physical or emotional intimacy. At all.

 

From your description of him, he's a carousing alcoholic who randomly disappears for up to 3 weeks at a time and you've caught him sexting with other women, so he's a cheater, too.

 

This is not now nor was it ever a marriage other than on paper. Past time to make legality reflect reality and get divorced.

[anika99]

My only question is why did you say yes to legally binding yourself via marriage to someone with that many red flags?

 

If he didn't respect you enough to show up on time to his own wedding then I don't expect youll fare well in another country with him. Yikes.

 

I think many of us have been guilty of making foolish choices when we were around the same age as the OP. When I was sixteen I fell madly and passionately in love with a huge narcissistic prick. For the first few years of our relationship I would have taken a bullet for him but by the time I was 23 I couldn't stand the sight of him. The OP has also realized her mistake and that's what matters. I find that when someone gets themselves stuck in a problem, questions like "well why did you do that" are meant to humiliate and shame rather than help.

 

OP I agree with everyone that you should not move to Japan with your husband. You will be isolated from family and might not even have your own money. Chalk this marriage up to a learning experience and divorce. Then plan to take your trip to Japan as an independent woman who can take care of herself.

[htmshsj]

My young marriage has literally been a roller coaster ride...and a bad one at that. My husband, which I will refer to him as 'K,' started dating when we were only 14. Although we went to different high schools that were 20 minutes apart, we still made it work. I would go to his football games on Friday nights, K went my colorguard competitions on Saturday, and spent the day together at my parent's house on Sunday.

 

After graduating high school in 2012, I continued on to college in Florida but he joined the Navy. After being apart for one year, we decided that I would transfer universities and get married in 2014 so we could live together. Ever since the wedding day, there have been so many red flags that getting married was a huge mistake.

 

For starters, he was 4 hours late to our small beach wedding. He even invited one of his Naval buddies to stay with us...in our room at the Ritz Carlton...on our wedding night! Everyone, especially me, was pissed and K could not understand why I was mad because he just wanted to drink with his friend ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT. (Fast forward a couple months after the wedding) I finally move in with him, but we had to live in the bachelor barracks for 3 months since he decided to buy a house. We fought so many times living in this tiny barrack that was smaller than my old college dorm room. When we finally moved into our new home, our sex life became non existent. It's been one year and I could count how many times we had sex on one hand! Between the time that we moved into our house 08/14 to 07/15, we have gone through countless fights that involved him breaking things, inviting his buddies to party at our house (that I had to clean up the next day), being broke 24/7 because all of our money went to the house payment, him calling me names (slut, whore, bitch), times where he said he would come home from work (only to never come home and I could not reach him), and finding out that he was talking/sexting many girls in our area.

 

To somehow reconcile, K came home (after not hearing from him for three weeks) telling me that he chose his new orders. Since I absolutely love Japan and their culture, he said he asked to be sent there next year with me and it was approved. Of course, I was really happy because that means I get to go Japan for 4 years. So, we sold the house and I moved back to my parents house 1000 miles away in 07/15. Since I have been back with my family, I realized that I did not miss living near the Naval base. I didn't miss the uninvited parties, being alone at the house and crying, coming home from from work only to realize he was God knows where for weeks, having no friends in my area, the name calling, the fights.....I don't even miss K who I have realized is not the same person I knew in high school. We both changed and we are not the same. He was suppose to send me 200$ every two weeks since he receives extra money for being married. It's been over two months and I have yet to see one cent. In fact, I think we talked on the phone maybe 5 times since I have been back with my parents. It feels like I am not even married from the lack of contact we have.

 

We have been married since 02/14 when we were 20 and I have completely fallen out of love with this violent stranger (who was never violent when we were kids and was a very sweet guy). He completely changed when joined the Navy. The only thing holding me back from this decision is K choosing Japan just for me (when he didn't have any desire to go there). But, that would make extremely selfish to stay with this marriage just to go to Japan and I am not that kind of person to use someone like that It's more like I feel guilt that he chose Japan for me when he doesn't even want to be stationed there.

 

To make things even more confusing, I made an amazing penpal friend in Japan that I Skype almost everyday (who encourages me to work in their hometown with a work visa after I graduate and I can homestay with his family). I realize now that I absolutely want to move to Japan with a work visa after I graduate college next year. But, I do not want to go with K and go as a single woman.

 

I haven't read anyone else's replies, but this is pretty much a no-brainer. Divorce him--better yet see if you can have the marriage annulled. He's a 20 something-year-old douche child who has no business even trying to play house like an adult. He has years and years before he'll be ready for a committed relationship with another human being, if that ever happens. Look back on the fond memories you had with your high school sweetheart, but chalk it up to "people change and we were too young" and move on with your life.

 

Do not expect money from him. Do not go to Japan with him. Finish school and start your own life/career. Date different people and figure out what you really want. You'll eventually meet someone with similar values/goals once you're both a bit more established, and then you can start from there.

 

And whatever you do, DON'T DON'T DON'T get knocked up. By him or by anyone. If you don't know what an IUD is, look it up.

Edited October 9, 2015 by htmshsj

[sandylee1]

Get divorced

Don't go to Japan with him.

 

He has cheating ways and he'll have plenty opportunity to cheat in Japan.

 

You're so young. I have a niece your age and can't imagine her married right now.

 

This isn't a marriage. You'll have plenty opportunity to find a suitable partner after you've lived a bit.

 

Japan will always be there. There's nothing worse than being unhappy in a foreign country. Especially where you don't have the rights you do in the UK.

[SJS]

I'm not going to repeat what the others have said. But...

 

 

The only thing holding me back from this decision is K choosing Japan just for me (when he didn't have any desire to go there). But, that would make extremely selfish to stay with this marriage just to go to Japan and I am not that kind of person to use someone like that It's more like I feel guilt that he chose Japan for me when he doesn't even want to be stationed there.

as far as this point, let him worry about it. He will still be around all of his people (friends, job, on base) and I imagine can put in a request to move at some point. Not your problem.

 

 

However, if you tag along you will experience everything by yourself. If you're really interested in moving there, check into your college's study abroad transfer program.