One more thing

[Lucas]

All the girl-friends I have had, I only dated them for their looks, and the relationship was confined strictly to sexual attraction. I have not told a girl that I love her. I have not loved a gilr, to start with. But this friend of mine seems to be the kind of girl, I would want to be with, if I was a little less shallow and did not care much about the looks, but for some GOd damn reason, I evaluate girls 90% based on looks. I am tired of being like this. It seems there is 2 of us trapped in my body, one who strives to get all the good looking girls, is obsessed with looks and sex, and there is another part of my identity, which emerges when I am with my friend (Anne). But for some reason, I can not bring these two together. I am going crazy here. Please disregard the below post. I think I do have some feelings towards my friend, but something is stopping me to go for her, and i am so ashame to admit that it is her not so good looks.

 

I dont know what to do

[Tony T]

Be kind to yourself. I don't think you have a lot of control over what attracts you to women. If you like great looking women, that's fine. It could take you a lot longer to find the right lady for you, if ever, but you are attracted to those you are attracted to...plain and simple.

 

I don't think it's so shallow. It's just the way you are.

 

However, if you give your friend or another girl you may like a lot a bit of a chance in the future, you will find that as you are with them and get to know them more they will become far more attractive to you. I think you should talk to her and see if she would be interested in upgrading the friendship.

 

You need to put these girls on notice that you desire just for sex that this is the case so they don't get the wrong idea. It's guys like you who give men a bad name but if you let them know what you're after, then you've put them on notice and that's fine.

 

Likewise, very often when we are with a beautiful lady who otherwise behaves in ways we don't particularly care for, they can actually become ugly to us over time.

 

I think you will find relationships far more satisfying and meaningful if you look at the broader picture rather than looks and sex. You may very well be using this preoccupation with the superficial as a way to avoid long term initimacy. For reasons you will have to explore, there could be some reason you are afraid to become intimately involved with a female in a meaningful relationship...perhaps for fear of being abandoned...or maybe you just don't feel you are deserving.

 

I also might add that your use of profanity on a public forum is not an attractive thing to anyone. There are those who are especially offended when the name of their God is used in vain.

[pops]

Thats good that you realize you are being irrational. Maybe it's all in your head but that keeps bothering your relationships and potential relationships. Anyway, maybe just go out with this girl, go on a few dates, make them fun, not too serious and go from there, that way, you break your habit of overlooking good qualities in good looking people, believe me, not every MODEL SUPERSTAR is all that great anyway, and if you find one that is, great, but if you find somebody a tad lower than a MODEL SUPERSTAR with great qualities, why not take a chance to see what happens.

 

Can you answer this question....

 

Do you want to lose this friendship with her ?

 

Because, unless you can come up with a good reason, like some friends that are female, you really wouldn't want to be in a gf/bf relationship. However, you must answer the question.

[Dragonflys]

Lucas

 

I think it is best for you if you just leave it as friendship for now. You need to be careful because her infatuation for you is very strong, so you need to be honest with her that you are just friends.

 

Over time, you may begin to overlook the way she looks, but a lot of it is up to how she behaves. If she pines after you like a puppy then she may turn you off all by herself. I hope she doesn't because it only gets better.

 

That's the way it goes...

 

Oliver

[clia]

I don't think you're a bad person at all for focusing so much attention on looks. After all, you do have to look at this person every day (or nearly every day). Let's face it, looks are very important.

 

You say you have feelings for this girl, but part of you won't proceed because of how she looks. Question--could her looks be improved if she dressed better, got a nicer haircut, learned how to put on make-up? If so, maybe you can get one of her girlfriends to subtly drop a few hints.

 

I'm a little concerned that she is 'madly in love with you' and you say that she has no friends. (In your other post.) Regardless of how you feel, is that a girl that you want? Be prepared to become the center of her world. (Not fun for most people.) But, maybe I have it all wrong. I don't know either one of you.

 

This is a tough situation for you. One of my friends went through this recently. To recap quickly (because maybe this will help you), she and this guy were great, great friends, but he had a lot of feelings for her. He really wanted to date her. Although she loved his personality, he wasn't really her type lookswise. They hung out all the time, took some trips together, and finally she decided that she was being WAY too superficial and started dating him. Well, she tried, but in the end he was not what she was looking for in the looks department. (Not a bad looking guy by any means, but not her type. This did end up bothering he more than she thought it would. She simply was not attracted to him.) She broke up with him (didn't tell him why, of course), and hurt him very deeply in the process. Now he won't even speak to her. (And, in her defense, she handled it well, tried to be his friend, wrote him a sweet letter, etc. She was not mean in any way.)

 

So, I think you need to weigh the pros and cons. Yes, she's a great friend, but do you want her as a girlfriend? Do you want to introduce her to everyone you meet as your girlfriend? Are you attracted to her? If looks are that important to you, do you honestly think you could have a relationshp with her? You don't want to end up hurting her, do you? Do you want to risk losing her friendship?

 

Anyway, just some things to consider.

[Jane]

It ALL has to do with you - how do you feel about your looks? You seem to have good insight which is a bonus.

 

What is your family of origin dynamics/beleifs about looks?

 

Are you trying to impress someone? I wonder if your mum gave you love? I shall go no further with that topic.

 

Do you have a problem with your looks?

 

I think it is an intimacy issue as you state you only go for the sex and have never told a woman you loved her. Thats okay for a young person and even for a few years - but a truly rewarding r/ship is 1000 times better than what you are experiencing.

 

Looks are - as we all know - nice yet are superficial.

 

Is this the only sort of relationship you can cope with?

 

Like nothing tooooooo deep?

 

All the girlfriends - LOL - reinforces an intimacy issue. Have you had anything long term with a woman?

 

Trust me - looks are an asset - yes - but once a r/ship gets deeper the looks fade into the background and the personality is a priority, even a great sex life will become dull too - truly.

 

You know even people who look like ogres can be seen as beautiful in the eyes of a loved one.

 

Don't fall for it - you learnt it from someone. I was vain and boy did I learn. I now have a big scar on my face which I know was due to my being obsessed with my appearance. An asset in a way cos I will then attract REAL people.

 

If you want a meaningful r/ship you are on the way to dealing with it as you have identified it. Watch the vanity thing please - noone knows what tomorrow will bring and as I found out karma has a way of coming right back to you.

 

Why not get some r/ship skills - like a course or counselling or however you wish. LOL I forgot your line "sick of it" - unfortunately it won't go away till you takes steps to deal with it . Put out to the Universe, God (whatever your belief).... HELP!! It will come to you and you will be guided. All you gotta do is ask.

 

Maybe you need to identify stuff with your parents too - that is deep stuff - yet once recognised - the problem seems less of a prob.

 

Mmmm bit late here in OZ hence my delightful - not grammar.

 

Your friends NOT SO GOOD LOOKS are NOT the ISSUE. That is aanother intimacy - avoiding behaviour. I wouldnt be surprised if you fell in love with this girl - and had a meaningful r/ship. You are avoiding your own prob by saying - her looks may be why.... etc. That is plain projection. Hehe you are falling for her aren't ya?

 

Good luck!

 

All the girl-friends I have had, I only dated them for their looks, and the relationship was confined strictly to sexual attraction. I have not told a girl that I love her. I have not loved a gilr, to start with. But this friend of mine seems to be the kind of girl, I would want to be with, if I was a little less shallow and did not care much about the looks, but for some GOd damn reason, I evaluate girls 90% based on looks. I am tired of being like this. It seems there is 2 of us trapped in my body, one who strives to get all the good looking girls, is obsessed with looks and sex, and there is another part of my identity, which emerges when I am with my friend (Anne). But for some reason, I can not bring these two together. I am going crazy here. Please disregard the below post. I think I do have some feelings towards my friend, but something is stopping me to go for her, and i am so ashame to admit that it is her not so good looks. I dont know what to do