How do I mend his broken heart?

[BeholdtheMan]

I think it's very important that you let your husband divorce you, encourage him if you have to...he deserves a faithful wife, you deserve a man who meets your needs

 

Btw, if your husband's "neglect" does not excuse your betrayal, why are you even bringing it up.

[bathtub-row]

I think it's very important that you let your husband divorce you, encourage him if you have to...he deserves a faithful wife, you deserve a man who meets your needs

 

Btw, if your husband's "neglect" does not excuse your betrayal, why are you even bringing it up.

 

Not meaning to answer for OP but, in my opinion, being neglectful in a marriage is a bad idea and, yes, that did have bearing on her actions. Was he responsible for her choice? No. Did he drive her in that direction? Yes, I believe he did.

 

People need to understand that they can't just wave this "you were unfaithful so your bad actions trump my bad actions" card. It's nonsense. Treat your spouse badly, disrespect them, stop having sex with them, make them feel rejected, etc and watch your world spin out of control. And mostly what I'd really love to see is for people to stop acting surprised when it all falls apart.

[HereNorThere]

Not meaning to answer for OP but, in my opinion, being neglectful in a marriage is a bad idea and, yes, that did have bearing on her actions. Was he responsible for her choice? No. Did he drive her in that direction? Yes, I believe he did.

 

People need to understand that they can't just wave this "you were unfaithful so your bad actions trump my bad actions" card. It's nonsense. Treat your spouse badly, disrespect them, stop having sex with them, make them feel rejected, etc and watch your world spin out of control. And mostly what I'd really love to see is for people to stop acting surprised when it all falls apart.

 

 

No, this is just victim blaming. Comparing someone who may be kind of a crappy, inattentive spouse versus someone who has an affair while married, break their children's home, exposes their spouse to someone else's sexual fluids, etc. etc. is not anywhere on the same level. It's like saying that stealing bubble gum is the same as rape because they are both against the law.

 

All the rationalizations in the world will not make your point more valid. If you don't the way your spouse treats you, fine, you can do the right thing and leave. Even the legal system doesn't allow you to use revenge as defense because you feel like someone wronged you.

 

And let's be honest here - Most people don't have the laundry list of complaints about their spouse UNTIL they start an affair. Any relationship is going to get dogmatic, stale and monotonous given a long enough time frame. The difference is that healthy people are aware of this long before they get married. They choose a stable, long-term relationship with all the up and downs it entails over the empty, hollow dating world. Sure, the variety of dating can be fun, exciting and sometimes even obsessive, but it doesn't provide the level of comfort and stability of a long term partner. Unhealthy or selfish people decide that they deserve both. They want the excitement of a new relationship and the benefits of a committed partner. They rationalize and rationalize until they get to a place where they're able compartmentalize these two different lives. Eventually it all falls apart and they start grasping for straws and looking for any kind of excuse to justify vile, disgusting, self-centered ways. It is very, very rare for a WS to admit that they simply weren't being a good person. However, the majority of humans have enough empathy to know that it's inexcusable behavior of the worst kind.

[AGoodFriend]

I think the sperm in your hair will be the image that stays in your hubby's head (no pun intended) for the rest of his days. You could have easily explained away the affair as a one-time deal, that you needed intimacy. A few times missionary position and that was it. You could have even said that the neighbor was worse in bed, had a smaller penis etc. But the cut in your hair betrays a freakiness and a passionate fling that can't be explained away.

 

Anyway, men are not as forgiving as women when it comes to affairs, because to them it means that he wasn't man enough for you.

 

You need to end it and get away from him, because he could become suicidal and take you with him.

[poofitsgone]

I still want to be with him but after what I did I don't believe he'll want that.

 

Can I ask why? You make him sound inadequate in every way in your first post...it still seems like you think your neighbor was better in every way. It sounds like you were the perfect long suffering wife before this A. The only reason i can think of to stay married is that you pity your husband, which isn't fair to anyone. Correct me if Im wrong on any points.

[Lion Heart]

i also get the feeling that you are displaying regret rather than remorse. you said it yourself when you describe exactly why you ended the affair. this could've gone on for some time if it wasn't for that incident where your neighbor ejaculated on your face and the evidence was undeniable

 

your husband must be severely traumatized by this.

 

Rachel, I think Artie above is being very generous in his appraisal of your attitude about your 3 month affair with your neighbour (remember it was your BH neighbour too OUCH! !); I believe you feel neither remorse nor the lesser... regret. In fact you wrote that your "stupidity" got you CAUGHT. Not that your stupidity CAUSED the affair. Because THAT'S the truth. You don't "get it" yet and I doubt you'll ever get it tbh. You've caused tremendous damage to a man who thought you loved him. You've lied, cheated and robbed him of time. The worst theft IMO. It's completely gut - wrenching pain.

 

I'm a Betrayed Wife. 16 years together. D Day 10 months ago. I've been suicidal twice. No attempts but white knuckling BIG TIME to hold back planning it. I knew if I went there it was 1000x worse. Luckily the first time my psych friend was 20 mins away (we were 4 hours away from home), she came and got me and the children away from WH. The second time my girlfriend (NOT the one I found out was another of WH OWs) came and didn't let me out of her sight till WH came home. Big mistake. WH triggered me much worse. You see he was like you. Just complaining and comparing etc. Taking no responsibility but demanding we "Reconcile". LS friends were there for me PMing me, thank you so much. Xxxx.

But at 3am in the morning after I'd told WH to leave AGAIN I phoned the suicide prevention line in Australia and it WAS HORRIBLE. 5 mins. The guy kept telling me how many minutes I had left. Basically I felt that I was worthless. Worth nothing to my husband and worth absolutely nothing to my Govt as well.

 

I found a website that helped me somewhat and decided to deal with life 5 mins at a time. Then fixate on my next activity I had to do for the children. It was like dragging a team of horses behind me with every step and every breath. But I ultimately knew I wasn't going to desert my family like WH did.

 

One thing my psychologist friend informed me of is the INFLUENCE of alcohol. It AMPLIFIES your feelings at the time. If you're sad when sober then you are far sadder or may feel depressed when drunk. If you're angry when sober you amplify those to rage and fury. I was furious when sober but must've been much sadder because I became depressed. I cut alcohol after the 1st suicidal experience. Fortunately I remembered the 2nd time and drank water. So the saying of "drowning your sorrows" may not be apt.

 

I'm afraid for your BH. I really am. YOU were his family. He's been betrayed by his closest family member with no offspring to deter suicide. He may be closer to suicide than I ever got IDK.

 

Nonetheless instigating a FALSE reconciliation is one of the cruelest things a WS could do to their marraige partner.

 

I would have been FAR better off if WH had left on D Day and STAYED gone. Now I know more? He should've left YEARS ago. BEFORE HIS FIRST AFFAIR. IMO a "false reconciliation" can be described in various ways. Our false R was different. If you intend on divorcing for any or all or more of the reasons you've already listed or even no reason, then be honest now. Yes I agree with a previous poster who said leave all your criticisms of BH out of it for now IF you truly do intend on remaining M and facing the difficult path of R. But I disagree if you intend on leaving regardless ie. IF the M is done in your eyes. You may decide to leave and communicate down the track if BH asks.

 

It is in my honest opinion only that you leave instantly after communicating BH state of mind with family and friends and why. Citing that you had an affair with your married neighbour for 3 months, it was sexual in nature and you were caught by your BH. Don't villify your BH. Be clear that BH needs friends and family to support him as you trigger deep emotional pain in BH atm (if this is indeed the case) so you need to leave. Your BH may disagree so as always this is for you both to decide.

 

Above all else I'm letting you know that honesty is always best.

 

In my own case I was better when WH was not near me esp for the first 6 months and I had the company and support from friends.

 

Out of probably 100 friends and colleagues I'm certain every single one of them said that another man would be along very quickly. TBH this made me sick. I was such a mess! I'd never want to jump into any type of rebound relationship. Two people even organised blind dates without my permission OMG. I told them I wouldn't turn up. And I didn't. Lots of men have made passes at me my whole marriage. Even in front of WH. I know it wouldn't be hard to "pick up" but heavens! That's just NOT my thing.

 

Maybe your BH does need to hear this. Maybe he's deflected many passes at him made over the past decades and, like me, said "I'm married. Pi** off" more or less. This fact made me furious too. WH groomed women. Spent alot of time doing so in most cases. WH actually said he was so jealous. Not of the men but of me getting so much attention! Ugh.

 

Tread lightly there.

 

As a footnote as you said WH was a "dud in the bedroom". I hope his stuff had been on your face more than your AP. Maybe you were being a dud for him too if that was NOT the case.

 

You were both in the same marriage. What you experienced was probably exactly the same as BH. But at least from your thread starter here, BH was working long hours. Did you ever think it was for you? Maybe he was trying to give you everything else he could since he couldn't give you his own children.

 

Food for thought.

Lion Heart.

Edited October 8, 2015 by Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

OP, this is a truly awful situation, to put it mildly. I disagree with the idea that you're making this his fault, because you have taken responsibility. He actually does have some responsibility for the failure of your marriage and hopefully he'll think about that at some point.

 

The problem with affairs is that once they happen and are discovered, it's the only thing everyone focuses on and all the other issues get conveniently swept under the rug.

 

I think it's a mistake to stay in this marriage and I think you're only doing it because he has been a long-time friend, you hate the way he has been hurt, you're afraid of his suicidal behavior, and you feel guilty. If you really want to stay with him, then you'll need to acknowledge that what you see is what you get and after this storm blows over, it'll be the same thing all over again.

 

Perhaps the best move is to try to see him through this and consider separating under a less volatile circumstances somewhere down the line. If he insists on a divorce, then let him take that step.

 

Let's be straight here. The marriage has failed BECAUSE OP had an AFFAIR. Marraige DONE, KAPUT the moment OP decided to go for it.

 

BH was still "married" keeping his part of the marraige vows as far as we know before, DURING and after the face cream discovery.

 

Maybe only maybe 2 people make a bad marriage but it only takes 1 to completely wreck it with an affair. That took 2 alright but BH in this case WAS NOT PART OF THAT TANGO.

 

IF OP has decided she's far more committed to her BH now to put the hard yards into R. Then they're in R. It's often a M holding on by a hairs breath. Hardly a M at all. One spouse completely betrayed. In some cases the WS missing their AP!

 

So blame away but the truth is either spouse can sh** all over a M with an A "because they have a bad marriage" or a "marriage on the rocks" but there are PLENTY of excuses for As, LS has heard them all. So what are the BSs doing all this time? At the very least, they're keeping their pants on instead of down around an AP.

 

Lion Heart.

[sandylee1]

I don't know why you want to remain married after what you've said. You guys have been together for a long time and before the affair things weren't good. It doesn't sound like you love him the way a wife should love a husband.

 

You sound a bit resentful about not being able to have kids with him...did you really think this through? It's not something I would be able to do at all. If you wanted kids did you look at other options like a sperm doner?

 

If you weren't happy, you should have communicated with your husband before the affair...that would have been the sensible thing instead of causing problems in both marriages.

 

You ought to really decide what you want and don't stay with your husband (if he wants to reconcile ), just because it seems the right thing to do.

 

Has your husband never been that great sexually, or is it just that this OM was better?

 

Get family to support him through this difficult time and encourage him to see his doctor.

 

What he saw is going to stay with him forever, it's almost as bad as was walking in on you with another man. Imagine you seeing lipstick on his collar or smelling another woman's 'sex' on him ? Do you think you could get over it? Would it bother you?

 

I can't see a happy ending unfortunately, because that's the very destructive nature of affairs.

[Chi townD]

Just walk away. You don't love your husband. Sure, you might care about him, but you don't love him.

 

 

I think the biggest thing that is scaring you right now is the fact that you state that he's suicidal. You don't want to be responsible for his death and you would blame yourself for the rest of your life if he offed himself.

 

 

You stated that you would like to see the two of you becoming friends one day. Here's the rub, you're not friends. I'm pretty sure he didn't get into a marriage with you for the ultimate outcome is that you're nothing more than really good friends. Besides, friends don't do what you did to your husband.

 

 

Just let him divorce you so he can get on with his life.