hollow feeling after sex

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Wife and I have been having lots of issues lately. She emotionally abandoned me for several years and chose her job above me. We had two kids within 14 months of each other. Both are happy and healthy!! After the birth things slowed down for us as expected. With so many new changes, its nobody's fault and I harbor no resentment from this time in life where we were both struggling to figure out how to keep us, you know US. I worked very hard at maintaining our relationship during this period. I did have some resentment at this stage, this was about six years ago. I did a lot of reading, trying to figure out my new roll and how to be the best husband to her. We were a little off track at that time and I was worried about her love for me. As many husbands do at this time. The reading helped, I worked harder at being a better me and learned that her love for me was no less, just that there isn't enough time in the day for her to always express that love the way she used to. Blah blah blah this is all very typical I know. Anyway I was able to slip into my knew roll with little grace haha and some of that wonderful husband complaining I read so much about that turns wifes off like no other. I figured it out in time though what it took to make this a success and the rewards for my efforts were amazing!

 

fast forward a couple of great years and my wife had issues with her job. She went back to school in an effort to change her surroundings. She has a terrible time fitting in with people. Well, its not really that, she has this thing where she reads too much into a situation and takes offense very easily where no offense was meant. Then she can't get over it and has this feeling like people are out to get her. Related on this, I think she suffers from PMDD sometimes. I don't know if that is something you can suffer from just some of the time, but seriously what I've read about PMDD she fits the mold exactly. Her emotions become WAY out of balance, and the whole world is against her for like 3 days until this feeling passes. Its not every month, but maybe 6 months out of the year. I've sense learned to watch her BCP schedule very closely and walk on eggshells around the DANGER ZONE time. Anyway she stressed about her job and lack of relationships outside our own. In fact, she doesn't have many friends and its her fault in this, not others. She started to put me on the backburner. Once I noticed she no longer to any notice in me, again I got online and like so many things online point to, its something I'M not doing right to make her turn away from me. I read about emotional needs and how husbands who don't meet their wife's needs emotionally will always have a feeling of not being wanted. So again, the ball was in my court i felt. I made a lot of changes to meet her needs. I started to do ALL the chores around the house. I made efforts to ask her daily about herself and her day. I always did this before, but it was sort of half hearted you know? Like going through the motions. She was always so negative. Every day it was her crying at something or another from her job where her co-workers hated her or whatever she felt at that particular time. She was an emotional wreck, but she never did chose to use me as the emotional support. She would bottle stuff sometimes, and barely speak to me. I tried so many different things to get her to notice me even a little. All of this was making me feel undesirable. This went on for about 3 years.

 

She started IC late last year. She has made big strides. We talked about the issue I was having with her one night, and she told me she has put me on the backburner for years now. Now I had that feeling all along, but to hear her say it crushed me. I'm tearing up a little just thinking about it while i write this. I became and still am an emotional wreck. I started drinking at this point to rug sweep my pain away. I started to become depressed. I just can't scratch the feeling that this is only temporary. Now I'm so on guard against her to protect myself that I see all the bad and none of the good. I know I have this resentment in me for years of this. She was also emotionally abusive at times towards me. She would belittle me, my choices, my actions. I think she resented the fact that she has worked so hard to find a job she likes and is still searching. I on the other hand didn't go to college, i've literally just fallen into about every job i've ever had. I have a great job now, and make as much as her. I also make friends super easy. So I think her putting me down on things was her way to cope with her resentment. Also her parents have a relationship where her mom is super controlling and emotionally abusive to her father. This is the only relationship she has seen. No excuse to treat me poorly, but I get it. I understand why she would think she is doing nothing wrong at times when she is treating me like a doormat.

 

She has made so many tangible changes in her attitude towards me after IC. I can see her efforts to spend more time with me. but then I see flashes of the same things she did before and it just makes me angry at this point. For example I was going on a solo trip to visit family over labor day weekend. I was to drive out friday and be gone until late monday. She talked all week about how she was going to miss me, and that she felt I needed to get away as my depression is something she can feel. She knows i'm hurting, so she wanted this for me so I can just get away for a while. She had been so sweet and into me for a while, then Thursday night I got off work and come home to her doing some work that wasn't due until Tuesday. She's in education, so she had a three day weekend to work on this stuff. She chose the night before I'm leaving to do work all night and didn't even sit next to me or anything that night. Barely talked to me at all. She didn't even say goodbye in the morning when she left for work. I was so sad that entire trip. I should have just told here something Thursday night, but I just felt she should WANT to spend that time with me before I left. I felt I shouldn't have to ask. I did try to say something once like "how much work do you have left?" She just said she was making lesson plans for next week that it wasn't too pressing. Then she continued to do it instead of paying any attention to me. So I can point out probably 100 things she's done positive towards me at this time but my insecurities, anger, and resentment for years of that same type of treatment makes me only see this moment you know?

 

SO now i've been distant to her and drinking more and more. We got in a fight a couple nights ago. She pointed out that I hardly touch her anymore. (we had sex two weeks ago so no THAT long ago) I pointed that out. She says it more then that, I don't touch her like I used to. Little playful things like grabbing her butt and rubbing her in a suggestive way. I admit I haven't been feeling very attractive, I'm depressed, hurt and angry. My sex drive is low right now. During the fight she says something like "I must have been a $hitty wife if this is how I made you feel all those years" then said, "is that what this is, you are doing to me what I did to you?" I was stunned at this comment, because I had just taken her out TWO days earlier to a very nice restaurant. This was all a surprise planned by me. She was at work, I arranged for the kids to go to her parents, I picked them up from school, got them situated and took her out for a wonderful evening. Anyway now I feel terrible for not touching her like she wants. Lastnight when I came to bed, we said our goodnights and she rolled over away from me. I know she is hurting, and I'm the one doing it. Even if I don't mean to, I'm making her feel how she made me feel. So I rolled over and started to rub her shoulder. She responded so positively I knew she was dying from lack of affection. She instantly rolled over towards me and we started kissing and it went from there pretty quick. She finished, then as SOON as I finished I just had the empty hollow feeling when it was done. She fell asleep like in 5 minutes, lol. But here I was awake and just feeling so strange when it was done. I don't know what this means!! I can't get it out of my head. Ive never felt anything but joy once the act was over, and now I felt just hollow. Has anyone felt this after sex with your SO? What did you make of it? I'm starting IC very soon for my resentment issues. We've talked about MC, but I flat out told her during that last fight that I'm scared of MC. I'm scared because if that doesn't work, I then we are probably done. She said she wouln't give up if MC didn't work. That she would continue to try. I'm scared that I'll not be able to go on if we can't fix this. I can't live like this anymore. I'm so hurt and upset all the time now. I've always been the easy going, laid back, make rational sense of every situation type of person. Now I'm an emotional wreck who is crying all day long on my birthday and damn near every other day something triggers me and I'm crying like crazy. I've stopped drinking btw. I thought it would help, but it hasn't. I'm so tempted to go back to drinking just for an escape. I'm tired of crying. Like I said, I'm started IC next week. I'm just at a loss right now. Has anyone ever had that though where they felt empty and hollow after sex with your spouse or SO? What did it mean to you? Is this normal sometimes?

[coryreply]

Sorry you're feeling this way, bro. I get why you're scared of MC but it is the necessary next step for you two. The problems you described are deeply rooted at this point. They're not going to magically go away or resolve themselves.

 

Good luck!

[spanz1]

"we had sex two weeks ago so no THAT long ago"

 

 

Dude, THAT is called being in denial! you should be having sex every day or two. Get back to having sex! make a calendar if you need it. That is step 1.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

We have been having sex 5-6 times/month for years. I'm not dissatisfied with our frequency, nor has she ever expressed dissatisfaction in that department. She was more upset I made no attempt the last couple weeks. There is no universal standard to frequency of sex.

[toooldforthis]

Wife and I have been having lots of issues lately. She emotionally abandoned me for several years and chose her job above me. We had two kids within 14 months of each other. Both are happy and healthy!! After the birth things slowed down for us as expected. With so many new changes, its nobody's fault and I harbor no resentment from this time in life where we were both struggling to figure out how to keep us, you know US. I worked very hard at maintaining our relationship during this period. I did have some resentment at this stage, this was about six years ago. I did a lot of reading, trying to figure out my new roll and how to be the best husband to her. We were a little off track at that time and I was worried about her love for me. As many husbands do at this time. The reading helped, I worked harder at being a better me and learned that her love for me was no less, just that there isn't enough time in the day for her to always express that love the way she used to. Blah blah blah this is all very typical I know. Anyway I was able to slip into my knew roll with little grace haha and some of that wonderful husband complaining I read so much about that turns wifes off like no other. I figured it out in time though what it took to make this a success and the rewards for my efforts were amazing!

 

fast forward a couple of great years and my wife had issues with her job. She went back to school in an effort to change her surroundings. She has a terrible time fitting in with people. Well, its not really that, she has this thing where she reads too much into a situation and takes offense very easily where no offense was meant. Then she can't get over it and has this feeling like people are out to get her. Related on this, I think she suffers from PMDD sometimes. I don't know if that is something you can suffer from just some of the time, but seriously what I've read about PMDD she fits the mold exactly. Her emotions become WAY out of balance, and the whole world is against her for like 3 days until this feeling passes. Its not every month, but maybe 6 months out of the year. I've sense learned to watch her BCP schedule very closely and walk on eggshells around the DANGER ZONE time. Anyway she stressed about her job and lack of relationships outside our own. In fact, she doesn't have many friends and its her fault in this, not others. She started to put me on the backburner. Once I noticed she no longer to any notice in me, again I got online and like so many things online point to, its something I'M not doing right to make her turn away from me. I read about emotional needs and how husbands who don't meet their wife's needs emotionally will always have a feeling of not being wanted. So again, the ball was in my court i felt. I made a lot of changes to meet her needs. I started to do ALL the chores around the house. I made efforts to ask her daily about herself and her day. I always did this before, but it was sort of half hearted you know? Like going through the motions. She was always so negative. Every day it was her crying at something or another from her job where her co-workers hated her or whatever she felt at that particular time. She was an emotional wreck, but she never did chose to use me as the emotional support. She would bottle stuff sometimes, and barely speak to me. I tried so many different things to get her to notice me even a little. All of this was making me feel undesirable. This went on for about 3 years.

 

She started IC late last year. She has made big strides. We talked about the issue I was having with her one night, and she told me she has put me on the backburner for years now. Now I had that feeling all along, but to hear her say it crushed me. I'm tearing up a little just thinking about it while i write this. I became and still am an emotional wreck. I started drinking at this point to rug sweep my pain away. I started to become depressed. I just can't scratch the feeling that this is only temporary. Now I'm so on guard against her to protect myself that I see all the bad and none of the good. I know I have this resentment in me for years of this. She was also emotionally abusive at times towards me. She would belittle me, my choices, my actions. I think she resented the fact that she has worked so hard to find a job she likes and is still searching. I on the other hand didn't go to college, i've literally just fallen into about every job i've ever had. I have a great job now, and make as much as her. I also make friends super easy. So I think her putting me down on things was her way to cope with her resentment. Also her parents have a relationship where her mom is super controlling and emotionally abusive to her father. This is the only relationship she has seen. No excuse to treat me poorly, but I get it. I understand why she would think she is doing nothing wrong at times when she is treating me like a doormat.

 

She has made so many tangible changes in her attitude towards me after IC. I can see her efforts to spend more time with me. but then I see flashes of the same things she did before and it just makes me angry at this point. For example I was going on a solo trip to visit family over labor day weekend. I was to drive out friday and be gone until late monday. She talked all week about how she was going to miss me, and that she felt I needed to get away as my depression is something she can feel. She knows i'm hurting, so she wanted this for me so I can just get away for a while. She had been so sweet and into me for a while, then Thursday night I got off work and come home to her doing some work that wasn't due until Tuesday. She's in education, so she had a three day weekend to work on this stuff. She chose the night before I'm leaving to do work all night and didn't even sit next to me or anything that night. Barely talked to me at all. She didn't even say goodbye in the morning when she left for work. I was so sad that entire trip. I should have just told here something Thursday night, but I just felt she should WANT to spend that time with me before I left. I felt I shouldn't have to ask. I did try to say something once like "how much work do you have left?" She just said she was making lesson plans for next week that it wasn't too pressing. Then she continued to do it instead of paying any attention to me. So I can point out probably 100 things she's done positive towards me at this time but my insecurities, anger, and resentment for years of that same type of treatment makes me only see this moment you know?

 

SO now i've been distant to her and drinking more and more. We got in a fight a couple nights ago. She pointed out that I hardly touch her anymore. (we had sex two weeks ago so no THAT long ago) I pointed that out. She says it more then that, I don't touch her like I used to. Little playful things like grabbing her butt and rubbing her in a suggestive way. I admit I haven't been feeling very attractive, I'm depressed, hurt and angry. My sex drive is low right now. During the fight she says something like "I must have been a $hitty wife if this is how I made you feel all those years" then said, "is that what this is, you are doing to me what I did to you?" I was stunned at this comment, because I had just taken her out TWO days earlier to a very nice restaurant. This was all a surprise planned by me. She was at work, I arranged for the kids to go to her parents, I picked them up from school, got them situated and took her out for a wonderful evening. Anyway now I feel terrible for not touching her like she wants. Lastnight when I came to bed, we said our goodnights and she rolled over away from me. I know she is hurting, and I'm the one doing it. Even if I don't mean to, I'm making her feel how she made me feel. So I rolled over and started to rub her shoulder. She responded so positively I knew she was dying from lack of affection. She instantly rolled over towards me and we started kissing and it went from there pretty quick. She finished, then as SOON as I finished I just had the empty hollow feeling when it was done. She fell asleep like in 5 minutes, lol. But here I was awake and just feeling so strange when it was done. I don't know what this means!! I can't get it out of my head. Ive never felt anything but joy once the act was over, and now I felt just hollow. Has anyone felt this after sex with your SO? What did you make of it? I'm starting IC very soon for my resentment issues. We've talked about MC, but I flat out told her during that last fight that I'm scared of MC. I'm scared because if that doesn't work, I then we are probably done. She said she wouln't give up if MC didn't work. That she would continue to try. I'm scared that I'll not be able to go on if we can't fix this. I can't live like this anymore. I'm so hurt and upset all the time now. I've always been the easy going, laid back, make rational sense of every situation type of person. Now I'm an emotional wreck who is crying all day long on my birthday and damn near every other day something triggers me and I'm crying like crazy. I've stopped drinking btw. I thought it would help, but it hasn't. I'm so tempted to go back to drinking just for an escape. I'm tired of crying. Like I said, I'm started IC next week. I'm just at a loss right now. Has anyone ever had that though where they felt empty and hollow after sex with your spouse or SO? What did it mean to you? Is this normal sometimes?

 

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Sometimes we just can't communicate the way we want to. Women are emotional creatures, we don't understand when a man withdraws from us..we either find responsibility in ourselves or we find fault in the men we are with to validate our own actions/inactions.

 

We also tend to read into things. Two weeks is a long time to go without sex or some kind of intimacy. She obviously feels guilty about her part in your marital problems and doesn't understand why now that she is on board you are not. You are still very hurt from her behavior early on and it sounds like you still feel she should be punished for her earlier treatment of you. I hear that you want things to get better but you are also talking like you're ready to give up even though it sounds like she is really trying.

 

I think you need to do some serious soul searching to figure out what your next move is. If you want to save your marriage, try to remember the past is the past. It can't be rewritten. You have to let go of it to be able to move forward. That means you have to forgive each other for your past transgressions. You're human and being hurt isn't something you can easily get over but if you truly love this woman, getting past the past will be your top priority. Nothing is written in stone and things can get better, it's just a matter of whether or not you want to put the work into it.

 

I hope it all works out for you and your family. Life is full of change, people fall in and out of love even in marriage, just try to remember its that commitment that you made to each other that matters most. Don't give up! It sounds to me like your marriage can be saved if that's what you truly want. You just have to put in the effort. It shouldn't be so hard that you want to drink yourself into a stupor, if that's the case, solo counseling may be in order.

 

Good luck to you my friend, hang in there.

[ProdigalMe]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Being the neglectee can be painful and lonely. I am the neglecter in my relationship, so I wanted to share what goes on in my mind when my wife tells me I'm being neglectful. I don't take her seriously. My worldview is that if I'm not a physical abuser or drug abuser or insolvent gambler, then all is well, and I don't need to work on anything. The relationship is fine. Of course I'm dead wrong, but that was my attitude. And because I held it for so long, no real changes were made. My wife continued to be neglected. Repeatedly. She finally had enough. She filed for separation. That finally got my attention and I vowed to change, and I did make some real changes, but it was too late for her.

 

However, I don't know if I would suggest the same strategy for you. Telling your wife that you plan to separate or divorce because of her neglect can produce all kinds of unintended consequences. But, you have to get her attention somehow.

 

As for the hollow feeling after sex, I guess it's not unreasonable to feel that. I've never felt it myself, but I can imagine it's a reasonable response to having sex with someone that you don't have a connection with. But, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Feelings shift and change. Your next encounter with her might feel more fulfilling. I guess it depends on the circumstances. I wish you well, continue to post, share your feelings here at least if you can't share them at home, and I hope your home life improves.

[Mr. Lucky]

She had been so sweet and into me for a while, then Thursday night I got off work and come home to her doing some work that wasn't due until Tuesday. She's in education, so she had a three day weekend to work on this stuff. She chose the night before I'm leaving to do work all night and didn't even sit next to me or anything that night. Barely talked to me at all. She didn't even say goodbye in the morning when she left for work. I was so sad that entire trip. I should have just told here something Thursday night, but I just felt she should WANT to spend that time with me before I left. I felt I shouldn't have to ask.

 

Lots of info in your well-written post so I'll just point out this - this approach rarely works. Expecting your partner to meet your undeclared needs and then resenting them for not reading your mind is a lose/lose proposition and one my wife and I have worked hard to banish from our marriage. If you want something - ask for it. If you can't or don't want to comply, calmly explain why. I travel a bit on business and, leading up to a trip, make a point to tell my wife "I hope we can get together tonight. I'm looking forward to it". Game on, expectations set, both on the same page.

 

Less mind games equals more happiness ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lion Heart]

Hi Womprat

 

Gosh I "fell into" your post. There were so many things you wrote about that felt it could've been written by either my H or myself. I'll say WH because that's what he was.

 

A few major differences too eg HE built a shed load of resentment for well over a decade. Though he never read!

 

Look WR I want to give credit where it's due (I'm a glass half full kinda gal). Well done for reading so much. That's great. Well done to your W for re-educating herself. And well done to BOTH of you hanging in there! M is hard sometimes. At others VERY hard!

 

I agree with Mr Lucky. Stop expecting your W to just "know". Yes it takes courage to bring something up but get more! It's usually in the mode of delivery. And be careful at this time. Choose your battles is my motto! Lol.

 

If you keep posting you may find more than your initial questions answered. It appears that your questions about the "hollowness" is alarming you. Maybe it should. It upset me when this happened in my M. In mine it was because my WH was involved with other women and stuff I didn't know about.

 

Now, because of the bad disconnected habits my WH developed over that long period with me, he has still felt very disconnected at times. No wonder in our case! But for me it's just not good enough. For you it could be wise to make more time for your W.

 

I think she's also feeling a "disconnect". ASK HER.

 

What I think she's asking for is more intimacy. The deeper the intimacy, the better the sex IMHO. Communication is a way to get deeper and deeper intimacy. Especially if it's non threatening. It needs to feel that way for both of you. Safe. Acknowledging the effort each M partner contributes to anything and everything is really nice! But don't do this secretly, you could SAY, "Hey I've realized I don't acknowledge your efforts as much as I COULD (don't say should here). I'm gonna try really hard to be kinder and more loving towards you. Thankyou for hanging in there. I love you for that" or however you would say it. It needs to be authentic.

 

Basically WHEN you do something to improve your M you can SAY it to her. "I'm doing this because I love you" or if she asks you to do something for her you could say "ofcourse my darling (lol) I'd LOVE to do that because I love to see you smile". We are doing this alot and it's really funny. It's brought humour and yes, happiness in.

 

I don't suggest you both go to MC yet. I think there's alot that each of you could get alot of help with in IC for a while. Esp if you see the same IC. The therapist may say after a while that you're both ready for MC and I think it could be more fruitful this way.

 

That's my take on things for now.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Thank you guys for the replies. I know i have a bad habbit of self fulfilling prophecies where ill set unvoiced expectations knowing full well they wont be met. Which in turn gives me an excuse to bash myself for, idk, not being worthy i guess. Self worth is a constant struggle for me, but im not entirely sure its not just within my relationship. Im extemely confident at work and with friends, borderline arrogant sometimes even im so confident in myself i feel. But in our relationship I dont see myself as anything worth fighting for. I found this article one night...

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/ ... I can check off everything in that list except #3. She have never called me anything worse then a jerk, but at those times i was being a jerk lol so no biggy. 4,5,7,8,9,10 are the big ones on that list. With spots of the others here and there excluding 3. 7 I believe ive put an end to.

 

She is so quick to bring up the D word during a fight. She uses it for control is my belief. She has taken off her rings and thrown them across the room. You name it. During our last big fight she got a bag and made a show of packing. Of course she didnt leave, but i told her flat out "next time dont go through all the trouble of packing unless you are serious about leaving. Next time you pack a bag, i will personally book your hotel, and you can just go if that is really what you want, but dont come back ever if you leave." she said she is being childish when she does this and wont do it again. Said she wants me to chase after her. As if i havent ever. She is questioning MY love? This bag packing came a couple of weeks before my OP which was a while ago now. I was hurting and distancing myself. During a particular day I was feeling positive about us again, sat her down just to tell her i love her. I told her "ive been thinking, and i know i dont want anything more then to spend my life with you. Im so lucky to have you, and i cant imagine a life without you in it." two days later she tells me "I cant imagine the rest of my life with you" (her exact words) and her making that show of packing her bags. I didnt talk to her for a good day and a half after that. When we were both cooled off enough to speak, she said she never said it like that. That i'm imagining it, or that wasn't what she said, but i know what i heard. I know damn well what i heard, where she was, how she was sitting even when she said it. But thats when i told her I have never brought up divorce and ANY fight, nor have I EVER threatened to leave at any point no matter how upset I get. Anyway, i think me telling her i couldnt give a damn if she left (even if im lying) might have snapped her out of that bad habbit. She said she wont ever do anything like that again...

 

 

Idk, im just feeling particularly ****ty today. I dont think rereading my thread is helping either, lol. I swear some days I feel like nothing can touch our relationship. Then other days im left wondering what the hell have i gotten myself in to and why am I failing so badly? What am i missing that isnt meeting her needs? What am I failing to see that will fix our issues? There must be somethig I'M not doing right. Ive asked her these questions worded many different ways. She says im not doing anything wrong, that im a great husband. Then how can she just put me on the backburner for years? How can you tell someone you made a commitment to that "i cant imagine spending my life with you"? Im really struggling with this, and im still very hurt by that comment. Then the fact that she acted like she never said it like that, that im imagining things?

 

I dont know why it is so hard for me to move on from this... It seems like such a non issue sometimes when i think about it. I cant change the past, but i just cant get over it all yet...

[Rorocher]

I think that you are depressed. The crying jags, feeling upset, hurt, are all signs pointing to that. Individual therapy will do wonders for you to start with. That is a very important step and then couple it with marriage counseling. You cannot be scared of MC. That's like saying you have symptoms of a disease but refuse to go to a doctor because you are scared they will tell you that you are dying. Doesn't that sound asinine? Your marriage is sick, go get it treated, it's as simple as that.

[Mr. Lucky]

How can you tell someone you made a commitment to that "i cant imagine spending my life with you"? Im really struggling with this, and im still very hurt by that comment. Then the fact that she acted like she never said it like that, that im imagining things?

 

This part struck me, my ex-wife was very much the same. I eventually figured out that people who aren't introspective or reflective tend to say things that aren't significant to them but carry (very) hurtful meanings to you. To them, it's just a statement about how they're feeling in the moment. But to you, it's an indictment of your entire relationship.

 

It makes communication, especially during conflict or arguments, very difficult because every interaction is an opportunity to get shaken and hurt to your core ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

It makes communication, especially during conflict or arguments, very difficult because every interaction is an opportunity to get shaken and hurt to your core ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

THIS! But its a catch 22 because if im NOT open, then i get accused of bottling my feelings and not being open and upfront with her. Talk about a mine field. Sometimes it really is easier to just swallow the negative for fear that if i bring it up there will be daggers launched my way.

[qubist]

T-16bullseyeWompRat: I think you have allowed her to abuse you all these years by bottling your emotions. she just got used to it knowing that you somehow depend on her and the marriage. she needs you too, I can even say that she probably needs you more that you need her. but she just learned how to intimidate you. IC is a must for both of you then later MC.

you are getting closer to the boiling point, if you don't release that pressure something will have to give up.

do not be afraid to tell her how you feel, she won't leave you, she just trying to intimidate you. it has become easier for her to push on you rather than forcing herself to treat you better. you were wrong to allow it to go on all theses years,

[Babs22]

T-16, I really hope you do start IC. To me you sound like someone with some pretty significant depression and this is at the root of many of your feelings, including feeling hollow after sex. It seems to me that you 2 obviously do genuinely care about each other from what you have written and that you can both improve your marriage through IC and eventually MC. You mentioned your depression and drinking in your thread, but I don't see if you were receiving treatment for this depression. Depression effects your sex drive, so when you say yours has been low lately, I think of that. The crying and sadness and even despair you seem to be feeling all sound like depression to me.

 

My son suffers from significant depression. He has been working with a psychiatrist for the past year and he finally has him on some medication which is making his life manageable again. His relationship with me and his father has improved as a result. Have you ever sought professional help for this depression? Of course, alcohol is a depressant, so although you use this to self medicate, in the end, it worsens the depression. I hope you do try to stay away from using that as a crutch. I hope your IC can help decide how significant this is and recommend you seek medical help for it if warranted.

 

I did read many positive things in your thread and it sounds like you both genuinely love each other. I hope between IC, MC and possibly some medication to help lessen your depression things will work out for you both. BTW, I have a female friend who for some reason threatens her husband with divorce every now and then. At the same time, I know she is crazy in love with her husband and could never follow through with a D. I finally told her one day she needed to stop doing that to him. It is hurting her H's feelings and it is an empty threat. I believe she heard me and is trying to not do that in fights anymore. She is simply trying to get her point across that what she is upset about, she is also very passionate about and she would be willing to "threaten" divorce, but she knows she could never follow through.

 

I wish you both luck, it seems like you have a lot worth fighting for.