MightyPen Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Can it be done? And when I say "close friendship" I mean someone you see/talk with weekly or even more often (lunches, phone calls, etc.) as opposed to some FB friendship you were "like" her status once a month. Someone you'd consider either a best friend or a "top 3" friend or something like that. You get my drift. How do you deal with any physical attraction you may have for him/her? Is the friendship different from your same-sex friendships? If so, how? Please share any tips, experience or advice you may have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) yes. its feasible. and My guy friends will stand by that statement too. We are older though and seem to have our act together in so much as we aren't out to get some "action" ...We have more valuable things to contribute to society at large. My friendships are pretty much the same. Respect, appreciate, laugh alot, and understand boundaries. I deal well with the attraction, Its easy. They know I adore them enough to respect their life choices Who isn't attracted to their friends? Beats being in distain of them... Edited October 5, 2015 by Tayla 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I had a best female friend for about ten years or so, back in my late twenties to late thirties. I knew her because we bought Chinese takeout from her parent's restaurant and I met her there. We did all kinds of stuff alone and I also did stuff with her boyfriend, mostly car stuff and other typical guy stuff. How do you deal with any physical attraction you may have for him/her? We were friend's first so I processed anything I might have felt over that time as normal male/female stuff and didn't act on it. The key IMO was that we got to know each other in a platonic way, not a dating and attraction way. Is the friendship different from your same-sex friendships? If so, how? The major differences were shared interests and interaction styles. I could be more emotionally open with her than with male friends of my generation so we had a different kind of intimacy than I would with a guy friend. Actually, nowadays, some of my male friends have mellowed from their former competitive and brusque unemotional styles and I can have similar relations with them. Our interests trended to fitness, travel, business stuff, college (she went back to college at one point) and cooking, since we both liked to cook and her parents had a restaurant. Very different from my male friends. I still have close female friends today, though none are single. Probably the closest is the one who calls me her second husband, my best friend's wife. At my age, such friendships are easy to manage. Reproductive years are over, we've all pretty much seen and done the gamut and survived a lot in life. Boundaries are easy to maintain. That's my .02 2 Link to post Share on other sites
strach Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Yep it can be done, not by everyone though. There needs to be some sort of understanding that its just not going to happen. If one person is wanting more than a platonic relationship things will most likely not end well. I have a female best friend, at least she's one of my best friends and I dont find it difficult to deal with any attraction. She's a very nice girl and I love her like the sister I never had but im just not interested in her that way. Not to mention shes dating my other best friend who I've known for 12 years so that's never happening haha. It's an entirely different friendship than the one I have with my male friends. As said by Carhill, the conversations are more open emotionally where we will talk about more intimate things that I wouldn't with my guy friends, that being said we can also be like bro's too who just chill and make fun of each other. I personally love having a close friend of the opposite sex, its a nice change of scenery sometimes but not everyone is capable of being so close with someone of the opposite sex without attracting feelings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 yep....I have had several very close friends (work related friends). Never any physical attraction at all. Everyone happily married and never any drama. We travel in pairs and packs and for week long meetings. Per a previous post, older and careful to set and keep boundries. My wife and their husbands have met on award trips and everyone gets along. I trust my wife and she trusts me, I'd be a fool to ever do anything to jeopardize that and would never do that out of love and respect for our M. It can be done but I personally think that it is challenging for the younger crowd and not as established in their relationship or happy in their relationship. Just my perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Me! I have a very good friend "John" we met when I was about 13, he must have been 16 - he was best friends with the neighbor guy (who I was friends with as well). We started hanging out a lot, we have the same sense of humor, interests etc. We would hosts big parties together, and organize countless road trip and camping / back packing outings. We would often go for long hikes just the two of us - and discuss life. My boyfriends came and went - same with his girlfriends. Spent a little time apart when he went away for school - he graduated - ended up in my college town - and we hung out together all the time - again, hosted tons of parties and BBQ's for our mutual friends - we were together just about every weekend. His GF at the time wasn't so thrilled with me, so I started giving them space.... They broke, we hung out more again. We have been DRUNK together many many times. We have slept in the same bed together countless times. He has NEVER made a move, and neither have I. Has he gotten with my friends? Yep! Have I slept with one of his? Yep! But we are like brother and sister - I really don't think he has any "feelings" for me, too many opportunities, too many times when he was so hammered that he shouldbt have been able to stop himself if he wanted to... We are still friends, my BF LOVES him, John has a steady girl now too - and she is super cool. We have been friends for well over 20 years now. I think it's possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Yes. And I have described them to you before, OP. Here are my specific examples: Philip - I was 15 and he was 16 and was quite probably the first guy I went the furthest with at that age. This was 35 years ago and while we don't see each other often, we are still there for each other through the ups and downs of our lives. We are now in conversation to collaborate on a book together. (We are both published authors already). Lance - He was the first guy I met when I had to change schools at the age of 11 (forty years ago!). We grew up together and even when he moved to a different country, we stayed in contact. He has hit on me every ten years and his advances have never been reciprocated. However, when I got married two years ago, Lance was the one who flew overseas to walk me down the aisle. Ralph - He and I have known each other for almost 20 years. We talk on the phone every Sunday night and have shared many intimate feelings and secrets. When I ended an 11-year relationship (which I have written to you about), Ralph was the one who flew to help my soon-to-be-Ex drive his truck of stuff to the state where Ralph lives. Tom - He was the best friend of my last AlcoholicEx (who was the guy who brought me to this site in 2008). Tom was there when my AlcoholicEx would go off on a bender. If I needed a place to escape to, I could knock on Tom's apartment at 3:00 a.m. He would make me tea, turn on Star Trek, and comfort me. He was the little brother I never had (ten years younger). I have many others I could cite but the crux of the matter is that these men are all incredibly close to me. Yes, I have had sex with some of them but have found the friendships more important than the physical. The difference between what I have with my friends and what you are wanting? MY HUSBAND KNOWS ABOUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! HE HAS MET MOST OF THEM (that live nearby). You are completely deluded if you believe you can have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex in a vacuum away from your marriage. Can't happen with painful repercussions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Here's a better question... Can you be friends with someone you used to have casual sex with? Long term ex's are not included in this, that's a whole different dynamic. I'm talking about FWB's, casual hookups, or former flings. Should you still be friends with those people? If so how many years have to pass since the sex ended for this to be ok? I say anyone you've had sex with in the past 10 years should not be someone you keep as a close friend (long term ex's excluded from this, we all know that's a whole different can of worms) My GF however, see's nothing wrong with having close friendships with men she used to sleep with. The situations vary... a roommate 5 years ago who she slept with twice and still considers her best friend, a guy who she cheated on her previous boyfriend with 3 years ago and still chats with every day on facebook, a guy who she had a fling with about a year ago who she hangs out with sometimes, a guy who she went home with shortly before we started dating but (she claims) they never hooked up and just spent all night talking... I think each of those are great examples of people it is NOT OKAY to stay friends with... Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) It is only possible if you have full disclosure with your spouse. In other words....you cannot have a "secret" friend....because that is cheating. Edited October 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical material retained. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 The longest friendship I've had so far with someone of the opposite sex is over 25 years (I lost count after that) and we happen to be best friends. I have a handful of "best friends" and 90% are actually of the opposite sex. My friends have gradually changed some over the years so that may sway back toward the opposite direction again eventually. How do you deal with the attraction? Hm. My friends are hot. No doubt about that. But, I run into hot guys often and I deal with the attraction to them the same way. Yes, they are attractive. And...? I don't pursue every hot guy I meet. I don't pursue anything with my hot friends either. Is the friendship different than same sex friendships? Not really. There's a trick to it, though. It's not a mutual friendship in the first place if one person is attracted to the other and wanting a relationship. You have to break those situations off right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) Wow, what awesome responses. And I really appreciate the specific examples, tips, boundary suggestions, etc., everyone provided. I've had a few close female friends in my life, mostly in college. I think it gets weird(er) when you get married. It's like, what are the "rules" for friends of the opposite sex? Some would probably say married folks or even folks in committed relationships should never enjoy a one-on-one lunch with an opposite sex friend, or have any alone time with them at all. I guess everyone's mileage will vary, and it ultimately rides on your SO's thoughts on the matter and your individual situation. I know a couple of guys who seem to make it work pretty well, but admittedly my main group of "buddies" consists entirely of guys and their wives. I wouldn't consider any of the wives to be "close friends." They are just there because of their husbands, and they've formed their own social circle, but the two don't really intersect. Edited October 6, 2015 by MightyPen Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) You are completely deluded if you believe you can have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex in a vacuum away from your marriage. Can't happen with painful repercussions. Absolutely. It's essentially dishonest. One of my best friends in college was a man. Although he was physically attractive in a conventional way, he felt like a brother to me and I never got the sense that he felt as though I was other than a sister to him. He was also a friend and former roommate of my husband's. If physical attraction is an issue or something you have to deal with, I don’t think you’re really best friends. I think it gets weird(er) when you get married. It's like, what are the "rules" for friends of the opposite sex? No, it wasn't weird at all. He stayed at our house often, played with our kids, etc. He was very uncle-y to the kids. He was like family and you don't need "rules" for family. Edited October 6, 2015 by BlueIris Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) My best guy friend and I met in grad school, and over the course of several years of writing together over lunch/coffee, reading each other's work, and bonding over shared courses, exams, and applying for jobs, we became really close. There were times we were both single, but it just wasn't happening between us. Eventually I met someone, and so did he. We were basically a foursome for a while, doing "couple things" together a couple times a month. And then there were two strange years where my SO moved across the country, and his SO moved to a city several hours away. Both my friend and I were writing our dissertations, and meeting one-on-one nearly 4 times a week for almost 2 years. There were also commiseration sessions over beers, hanging out watching TV at his place (although usually not one-on-one)... you get the drift. Simply put, it could have been a prime context for an affair. But an affair never happened. Why? Because my guy friend and I had mutually-respected boundaries that were well laid-out and NEVER crossed. And to the extent that was possible given the long-distance relationships, we each made efforts to stay friends with one another's SOs. For those two weird years, my guy friend was almost a platonic "work husband," and there might have even been a little codependency blended in there... but it was always (and continues to be) platonic. After writing our theses, I moved out to join my SO, and he moved to her as well. They got married 3 weeks after we did. And we still keep in touch. The point is, YES, I think it can happen and that such friendships are immensely rewarding. People miss out on them too much. But for it to work, a) there cannot be hidden attractions between friends, and b) friends' spouses must be part of the equation. I had another male friend, for instance, who I was also very close with until he and his GF broke up. He went through a tough rebound phase and made a pass at me. I ultimately had to dial back the time I spent with him out of respect for my SO. Edited October 8, 2015 by nescafe1982 Link to post Share on other sites
La Trese Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Close....no unless you met as children and grew up together or something. I have casual guy friends, even good ones who I would even tell my problems too, but I can never get as close to a guy as I can to a girl platonically because in my experience he either had feelings for me or freaks out because we were getting too close and thinks I had feelings for him (I have never had feelings for any of my past guy friends, but it was a lesson I learned that you can't really treat guy friends like you treat your girl friends otherwise they think you like them). I think there are boundaries with guy friends and the one I like to maintain is never hang out with them alone unless its a quick lunch or you casually see them somewhere and talk to them. I only pretty much hang out with my guy friends either in group settings or we go to events where we sill know other people there. Edited October 21, 2015 by La Trese Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I have a two... Guy #1 I met 20 years ago in school. There was never any romantic/sexual vibes from my side. Recently he came out so perhaps that is why. Guy #2 I met 5 years ago. He had wanted a female friend but had trouble since each friendship turned weird over time. We had discussed being more at a few points but we want just different things and our values are so different in relationships it wouldn't work. Plus there is a huge age different neither of us is comfortable with long term. By this point boundaries are better established and we are doing very different things so I don't see that conversation coming up again. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Nope, I've never managed it. Someone always ends up with 'feelings'. I've made a decision to not have close male friends in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Possible, and quite healthy I think. One of my closest friend in whole world is a guy. We met just under 20 years ago and it's always been been pure friendship. He's red blooded as they come, is very successful with the ladies (swagger and charm) and I love him to bits but never has it crossed my mind or his to take things further. He's not LTR material at all (which is all I'm interested in) and I'm probs a bit too straight laced for him. We have the same musical tastes and the same sense of humour and we've been in each other's lives for so long I don't think it'll ever change now. He got introduced to my BF fairly early on and they gave each other their seal of approval, which I'm really happy with. I've also got an elder brother I've always been close to so to me a friendship with a guy is totally natural. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Possible, and quite healthy I think. One of my closest friend in whole world is a guy. We met just under 20 years ago and it's always been been pure friendship. He's red blooded as they come, is very successful with the ladies (swagger and charm) and I love him to bits but never has it crossed my mind or his to take things further. He's not LTR material at all (which is all I'm interested in) and I'm probs a bit too straight laced for him. We have the same musical tastes and the same sense of humour and we've been in each other's lives for so long I don't think it'll ever change now. He got introduced to my BF fairly early on and they gave each other their seal of approval, which I'm really happy with. I've also got an elder brother I've always been close to so to me a friendship with a guy is totally natural. Yes, works completely. I have very similar friends. (Obviously girlies) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I have male friends......i have found when i am in a relationship some stay around some dont......in the past my bfs have known and met all my male friends......including my exes.....i dont have anything to hide......if i were to be attracted to one of my male friends during a relationship...i would maintain a healthy distance..... i think its incredibly hard to be attracted to someone and call it friendship because there's secrecy really......things not being said and hidden....but....if you have a healthy respect for the friend and for yourself and or partner....boundaries are what stops things from progressing along with respect and honesty attached.....solves major issues before they happen... it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex....but when attracted physically emotionally or otherwise. the line in the sand has to be clear and defined by both peoples......deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AngeliqueC Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I think the "just friends" thing is easier as you get older That said, the majority of my male friends are gay, so cheating isn't even a remote possiblity. The other guy friends I have are married AND I am friends with their wives too - sometimes not as close friends, but definitely friends. Many of my male friends have been in my life since kindergarten/elem/high school, or are children of my parent's friends (family friends). I'm early fifties, so that gives you an idea of how far back some of these friendships go. MrsJA is right - keeping things a secret is the first step to an affair. Full disclosure: the only exception here is that I am a long term (20+ yrs) OW to my BEST friend, and I have never met nor spoken with his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) Definitely doable! I've had some fantastic male friends. My BF when I met my xH was a male work colleague. He was dating his future W at the time and she ended up being one of my bridesmaids. Unfortunately, I lost him in my breakup with xH :-( But I don't begrudge them that; xH needed him more than I did as a confidante. One of my besties at the moment is a guy. We catch up regularly to chew the fat. We often commiserate about our romantic woes, as well as celebrate the successes. I helped him set up his Tinder profile. He generally sleeps at mine when he's in town as well. Nothing even remotely untoward has ever happened. And that's only two examples. I can't speak for others... But I find I just don't look at friends 'that way'. Male or female. Even when he/she is objectively gorgeous, that part of me just switches off once we're friends. Maybe it's a defence mechanism :/ Friends are just so valuable as friends! Like Angelique I have one exception. That's my MM of five years. I'm still working on figuring out how the hell that happened! Edited October 25, 2015 by SolG Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I have more male than female friends. One is especially close as he understands my ambition and lack of desire for marriage and kids. He is married but never wanted kids for similar reasons as me. We went through a rough patch when his wife got uneasy about our friendship, but since then I have befriended the wife and we all hang out. Him and me have once shared a tent when we went camping and nothing happened. There is no attraction on either side but I would be pretty sad if I lost him as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Theres a few of girls in my life i'd class as genuinely great friends. i think ive know all but 1 of them since before i was 11/12. Its defiently harder to meet girls as friends once your older. But nothing shakes those friendships ive already made. They're like family, like sisters! I do have another friend i made more recently, shes a top girl, great catch for someone but, we work together and they say its a brotherhood and i guess i feel about her like i do about the lads i get on with at work. Shes honest and hardworking, funny - great to spend time with but its platonic, i dont feel like her like i do my wife.. i dont feel about the guys at work like i do my wife Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 One of my best friends (as in people I talk to at least once a week with) is a guy. Our friendship is recent, we only met about a year and a half ago, but we are thick as thieves! He's married and I've obviously met his wife countless times and we've been on holiday together. I've stayed at their house while she was away with family and usually him and I go out together without her. There is nothing untoward going on, though. I have other close male friends, also married, and it has never ever been a problem. Sure, I've had close male friends develop feelings, and that's unfortunate, but I try to make it very clear I am not interested. Sometimes they disappear, other times they stick around. I've never developed feelings for a male friend. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I have. If we did eventually drift apart it was just because we all slowed down and became more homebodies. Link to post Share on other sites
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