Who has successfully maintained a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex?

[MightyPen]

Wow these are really interesting responses. I had forgotten about asking this question!

 

 

I think my personal problem is I'm really picky (probably too picky) when it comes to figuring out who is compatible as a potential friend, so when it comes to women, to really want a woman as a friend, I'd want her to be brilliant and charming and witty and well-read with some common interests, and well, once you find all of that in a woman, I'm not how a person avoids at least some infatuation.

 

 

I read some article where an overwhelming percentage of guys had sexual fantasies about female friends...I mean if you're having fantasies, doesn't that mean it's not really platonic, even if it's on a subconscious level?

[CarrieT]

I read some article where an overwhelming percentage of guys had sexual fantasies about female friends...I mean if you're having fantasies, doesn't that mean it's not really platonic, even if it's on a subconscious level?

Not if you can separate out the fact that people fantasize about almost anybody that might cross their path.

 

It is what is done with those fantasies and dealt with is the bigger issue.

 

I can have a hot UPS driver deliver a box and I'll have a dalliance in my head. Big deal. That is called being human.

 

But when you start to fester and dwell on those fantasies to the exclusion of your partner, then it starts breaking down your relationship.

 

MP, I'm one of those who have maintained male friendships throughout my entire life. Yes, I am sure these guys have fantasized about me and I have often thought what my life would be like if I had considered them. That doesn't mean I can't still be their friend - and vice-versa - because it is not intrusive to my marriage.

 

Heck, I am going through a pretty horrible health scare right now and next weekend, my husband is flying me to go see a bunch of these friends because I am in need of some of that old, familial bonding. He has never met a handful of these people (we've only been together four years), but he knows that they were all important to me a decade or two ago and that whatever lingering "fantasies" might exist in anyone's mind is nominal compared to the love and friendship they all offer.

[loverboy69]

Speaking for heterosexuals of course:

 

I'd say these friendships are always possible until it's no longer possible.

 

What I mean is nothing ever happens until it happens. You might have been able to maintain if up till now but it doesn't mean things won't progress or change later. Life happens. Even the best intentioned people slip because none of us are perfect.

 

Kudos to those who have been able to make it work thus far.

[MightyPen]

Not if you can separate out the fact that people fantasize about almost anybody that might cross their path.

 

It is what is done with those fantasies and dealt with is the bigger issue.

 

I can have a hot UPS driver deliver a box and I'll have a dalliance in my head. Big deal. That is called being human.

 

But when you start to fester and dwell on those fantasies to the exclusion of your partner, then it starts breaking down your relationship.

 

MP, I'm one of those who have maintained male friendships throughout my entire life. Yes, I am sure these guys have fantasized about me and I have often thought what my life would be like if I had considered them. That doesn't mean I can't still be their friend - and vice-versa - because it is not intrusive to my marriage.

 

Heck, I am going through a pretty horrible health scare right now and next weekend, my husband is flying me to go see a bunch of these friends because I am in need of some of that old, familial bonding. He has never met a handful of these people (we've only been together four years), but he knows that they were all important to me a decade or two ago and that whatever lingering "fantasies" might exist in anyone's mind is nominal compared to the love and friendship they all offer.

 

 

First of all, I wish you the best with your health situation and I really hope the familial bonding gives you a lift.

 

 

And my only response so the UPS driver thing is, yeah I agree, people are going to have fantasies. But what if the hot UPS guy was a neighbor or something? Do you think you could be friends with him after having the fantasy? Would having more fantasies about him torpedo any potential friendship.

[Elif]

Ive had several good male friends. Over the years people have moved on to different things in their lives so I dont really see or talk to them exept when we meet at a party. Im still on friendly terms with all of them though.

 

I do have a very good male friend I made at my last workplace. We talk on FB quite often and meet up every once in a while. We hung out all the time when working together. I like his personality and we get along well, we have a similar sense of humor. However I am not physically attracted to him at all. Im also not the kind of a person who develpops feelings over time, so attraction will never happen for me. I also tend to get along with guys and also girls who dont really get along with other girls that well. He on the other hand tends to get along with girls.

 

My bf is slightly bothered by this since he doesnt really believe in close opposite-sex friendships so I have been avoiding hanging out as much. I dont want to tell my friend this but I also dont want to give up the friendship since I dont have a lot of people in my life I have a similar mindset with.

 

 

I think the key is not to be physically attracted to your friend to make the frindship work. I have had friendships end because they were attracted to me though but its likely the friendship was initiated because of romantic interest. This is never the way to go. If a guy friend ever becomes romantically interested in me ... I will terminate the friendship. I do not believe you can be friends with someone you like.. like that.

[froz]

Can easily be done...we're talking 2 people who are of the opposite sex just hanging out occasionally. This whole BS Hollywood myth about men and women can't be friends....exactly that, a myth

[MightyPen]

Can easily be done...we're talking 2 people who are of the opposite sex just hanging out occasionally. This whole BS Hollywood myth about men and women can't be friends....exactly that, a myth

 

Well the original question asked about a "close friendship," so that's more than just "hanging out occasionally."

 

 

I had envisioned something close to "best friend" territory, not just a friendly acquaintance. I do think the intensity and intimacy of the friendship makes a big difference, and so that's why I made it clear in the OP that I wasn't talking about just casual FB-type friends.

[Gloria25]

You know, I caught some Jerry Springer yesterday and dude is with his "main squeeze", whom he has a kid with...but, is adamant about keeping a "friendship" with a stripper.

 

Mind you, he had sex with the stripper "once" cuz hello, hang around enough with someone of the opposite sex and sex is gonna happen - especially with a stripper.

 

Now granted, I could see where his main squeeze was doing the typical female thing now a days where a guy is her "sperm donor" and "guy who pays her bills". I mean they have a kid and he was like 'we don't do nothing fun anymore, when I try to get us to do something at least once a week, you turn me down.' And she, of course, responded blaming him saying it's his job to motivate her to wanna do something and that her priority is the kid, her job, and school.'

 

So, at the end of the day, he said it's just a friendship, and them sleeping together didn't mean a thing so he wants to keep the stripper as a friend.

 

My thing is, make up your mind and stop playing women under the guise of "friendship". Either stay in your crappy RL/marriage or divorce and pick a better woman. Tired of married and/or involved guys just worried about "their" egos and trying to play both sides under the guise of "friendship". We all know you wanna bang the other chick and/or you wanna keep her close cuz she is more than just a "friend". I don't think you'll find women lining up to be some guy's "friend" so close if that woman didn't secretly have romantic desires. So stop being selfish and taking advantage of women's attention under the guise of "friendship" only to run back to "home base" when it's convenient for you.

[Timshel]

Haha Gloria, Booya!!

[MightyPen]

Ive had several good male friends. Over the years people have moved on to different things in their lives so I dont really see or talk to them exept when we meet at a party. Im still on friendly terms with all of them though.

 

I do have a very good male friend I made at my last workplace. We talk on FB quite often and meet up every once in a while. We hung out all the time when working together. I like his personality and we get along well, we have a similar sense of humor. However I am not physically attracted to him at all. Im also not the kind of a person who develpops feelings over time, so attraction will never happen for me. I also tend to get along with guys and also girls who dont really get along with other girls that well. He on the other hand tends to get along with girls.

 

My bf is slightly bothered by this since he doesnt really believe in close opposite-sex friendships so I have been avoiding hanging out as much. I dont want to tell my friend this but I also dont want to give up the friendship since I dont have a lot of people in my life I have a similar mindset with.

 

 

I think the key is not to be physically attracted to your friend to make the frindship work. I have had friendships end because they were attracted to me though but its likely the friendship was initiated because of romantic interest. This is never the way to go. If a guy friend ever becomes romantically interested in me ... I will terminate the friendship. I do not believe you can be friends with someone you like.. like that.

 

 

With my situation, she admitted she was attracted to me, but we were trying to get past that. I was trying to get past it as well. It's been almost 3 weeks NC, but I'm starting to feel like I made a mistake tossing away a friendship. Towards the end, we really had started to move to a more platonic relationship, but then we took a break to make sure that's what we both wanted, I created an account on here, and then I ended up ending it.

[Gloria25]

With my situation, she admitted she was attracted to me, but we were trying to get past that. I was trying to get past it as well. It's been almost 3 weeks NC, but I'm starting to feel like I made a mistake tossing away a friendship. Towards the end, we really had started to move to a more platonic relationship, but then we took a break to make sure that's what we both wanted, I created an account on here, and then I ended up ending it.

 

You didn't make a mistake. She has feelings, you both have SOs. For you to want to continue this "friendship" after she's admitted feelings is abusive and taking advantage of her. Cuz you aren't leaving your wife and kids and she is just "dating" some guy and probably is putting her hopes in you and/or leading on/neglecting her SO.

 

I also believe you need to stop calling this a "friendship" and realize you get more than just "intelligent/interesting" banter with a person (your "friend"), cuz if it was just that, you can get that anywhere.

[MightyPen]

You didn't make a mistake. She has feelings, you both have SOs. For you to want to continue this "friendship" after she's admitted feelings is abusive and taking advantage of her. Cuz you aren't leaving your wife and kids and she is just "dating" some guy and probably is putting her hopes in you and/or leading on/neglecting her SO.

 

I also believe you need to stop calling this a "friendship" and realize you get more than just "intelligent/interesting" banter with a person (your "friend"), cuz if it was just that, you can get that anywhere.

 

I think the bolded part is unfair. She's a grown woman and I was always 100% upfront with her - i.e., I NEVER lied about being married...I never even for a second implied I was looking for anything in person...and I sure as hell never even came close to implying I would leave my family for her (or anyone, for that matter).

 

I would never be "abusive" to her, and she is in a long-term serious relationship so our situations were much more even than you're making them out to be. It was a level playing field. If she was 20 years old and I had lied about my situation and intentions, I think you'd have a point.

 

All that being said, I don't mind hearing "It wasn't a mistake to end it" once in a while. It helps because I continue to be tempted to reach out to her again and try to make a platonic thing work. And I can't just get it anywhere. She is awesome. I wish I could teleport her but alas the limitations of technology.

Edited October 29, 2015 by MightyPen

[Elif]

I think the bolded part is unfair. She's a grown woman and I was always 100% upfront with her - i.e., I NEVER lied about being married...I never even for a second implied I was looking for anything in person...and I sure as hell never even came close to implying I would leave my family for her (or anyone, for that matter).

 

I would never be "abusive" to her, and she is in a long-term serious relationship so our situations were much more even than you're making them out to be. It was a level playing field. If she was 20 years old and I had lied about my situation and intentions, I think you'd have a point.

 

All that being said, I don't mind hearing "It wasn't a mistake to end it" once in a while. It helps because I continue to be tempted to reach out to her again and try to make a platonic thing work. And I can't just get it anywhere. She is awesome. I wish I could teleport her but alas the limitations of technology.

 

 

I agree with Gloria. It is not at all unfair what she said.

Saying that she is an adult and can maker her own decisions etc... that is selfish. She is attracted to you, she likes you and in time those feelings can deepen. You dont have feelings for her which means that in this senario you are the "stronger" one. She is weak. You have to do the right thing and let her go. Stop fooling yourself. Espeically if she is taken but for some reason decided it was cool to confess to you. A very suspicious cenario.

 

Like I said before, if a guy friend admits his feelings to me and I have none then the friendship is over. Because having romantic feelings for someone is not friendship.

[Gloria25]

I agree with Gloria. It is not at all unfair what she said.

Saying that she is an adult and can maker her own decisions etc... that is selfish. She is attracted to you, she likes you and in time those feelings can deepen. You dont have feelings for her which means that in this senario you are the "stronger" one. She is weak. You have to do the right thing and let her go. Stop fooling yourself. Espeically if she is taken but for some reason decided it was cool to confess to you. A very suspicious cenario.

 

Like I said before, if a guy friend admits his feelings to me and I have none then the friendship is over. Because having romantic feelings for someone is not friendship.

 

Thank you....

 

Lots of people - male and female - hang around as the pathetic "friend" cuz they are hoping that they still have a chance.

 

So, your comment on how she's a grown woman and you have no responsibility for her feelings and actions just goes to show how selfish and inconsiderate you are.

 

You are not her "friend" and I wish I had her tel to call her up and set her straight.

 

Cuz talk the talk all you want, you still are trying to hold on to her. Anyone, even us ask "why?" if all you want is friendly banter. So for once, stop tho thinking about yourself, put yourself in her shoes and see how a "grown woman" can start questioning why your actions don't match your words.

 

Oh, and BTW, "feeeeeelings" and emotions have no IQ. Haven't you heard of the female astronaut who drove cross country to kidnap and/or threaten/kill some other woman her married astronaut douche of a co-worker was seeing? You'd think someone capable of becoming an astronaut wouldn't be dumb enough to involve herself in such bull.

[MightyPen]

I agree with Gloria. It is not at all unfair what she said.

Saying that she is an adult and can maker her own decisions etc... that is selfish. She is attracted to you, she likes you and in time those feelings can deepen. You dont have feelings for her which means that in this senario you are the "stronger" one. She is weak. You have to do the right thing and let her go. Stop fooling yourself. Espeically if she is taken but for some reason decided it was cool to confess to you. A very suspicious cenario.

 

Like I said before, if a guy friend admits his feelings to me and I have none then the friendship is over. Because having romantic feelings for someone is not friendship.

 

 

I have/had (very) strong feelings for her and I am ridiculously attracted to her. I value her highly in many ways, but we both realized it was unfair to our partners to give each other so much intimate/romantic attention, so we tried to back off and make it platonic. The "break" was part of that process.

 

I would only maybe say I was the "stronger one" because I was the one who said it should end entirely (after posting about it a LOT on here).

 

I'm not sure what made you believe that I "don't have feelings for her." That is about as inaccurate as a statement can be. It's in the "The Earth is flat" territory of wrongness.

[Elif]

I have/had (very) strong feelings for her and I am ridiculously attracted to her. I value her highly in many ways, but we both realized it was unfair to our partners to give each other so much intimate/romantic attention, so we tried to back off and make it platonic. The "break" was part of that process.

 

I would only maybe say I was the "stronger one" because I was the one who said it should end entirely (after posting about it a LOT on here).

 

I'm not sure what made you believe that I "don't have feelings for her." That is about as inaccurate as a statement can be. It's in the "The Earth is flat" territory of wrongness.

 

Im sorry but you two are not true friends. You are 2 people in relationships who have the hots for each other masquerading as friends. You will also never ever be friends or be able to have anykind of a close relationship while in a relationship with others.

 

 

If you are so attracted to her and she likes you too, just break up with your current partners. Because whatever you are saying about your "friend" would be my worst nightmare as a gf.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Elif

[Gloria25]

I have/had (very) strong feelings for her and I am ridiculously attracted to her. I value her highly in many ways, but we both realized it was unfair to our partners to give each other so much intimate/romantic attention, so we tried to back off and make it platonic. The "break" was part of that process.

 

I would only maybe say I was the "stronger one" because I was the one who said it should end entirely (after posting about it a LOT on here).

 

I'm not sure what made you believe that I "don't have feelings for her." That is about as inaccurate as a statement can be. It's in the "The Earth is flat" territory of wrongness.

 

I'm half-liking your post because I applaud you for admitting that you have feelings, recognizing that, and breaking from her.

 

And yes, you are in a better place (stronger) than her because you have a "wife". You have "security". Even "if" you are in a so-so, crappy, or whatever marriage - people are gonna try to work it out before divorcing so if this thing with your "friend" goes south, you have someone to turn to and with the kids - even more reason your wife would take you back and work on it. Your friend has "NOTHING"...her bf might drop her like a hotpocket and move on if he ever found out and/or got fed up of her probably putting more attention towards you.

 

I don't agree about you being the "stronger" one here in the sense that while you broke it off, you keep on starting in/chiming in threads like this one - where you are trying to keep/re-open the "friendship" with this woman in some platonic way - which I (and others) just don't see happening based on your particular circumstance.

 

As to what feelings you have for her? I don't know...better said "attraction" rather than "feelings"? Because when you "care" about someone ("feelings" I guess?) you want what's best for them - even if it means them finding that with someone else (aka the saying 'If you love something, set it free'); and, that's what I'm hoping you see. By you wanting to find a way to continue this "friendship", you're gonna hurt her, cuz I can guarantee you, no matter how much you explain to her 100% that this is just "platonic", your actions indicate "feelings" and she's gonna invest in you and one day want more, leave her bf and you're gonna say "nope, I'm married" and crush her.

 

That's why I back off from men I've been "friends" with/"friendly" to as soon as I even get an "inkling" that they are attracted to me. Why? Cuz, no matter what you say, the person is interpreting this or that as you wanting more.

 

Yes, your "friend" is responsible for herself/decisions - but just cuz someone makes a poor decision you're gonna capitalize on it? Look, by mistake, some records office sent me someone's SSN, DOB, full name and signature. I could have stolen this person's identity, racked up some credit cards, and all that - especially with the bills I got, but I didn't. In other words, don't let other's actions dictate your actions/character.

 

If you want to keep this "friendship" ongoing, you need to tell your "friend" the ugly/skinny - which is: No matter how much she may "think" you want more, that you love your wife, kids and have NO intentions of leaving them. That you have feelings for your friend and want to spend time with her doing X, Y, Z - but no matter what, you are NOT leaving your wife. That you only want to be with this particular "friend" not just because the qualities she has, but cuz you want all the attention/affection of another woman (her) without having to leave your wife and children.

 

If, and after that, if she "still" decides to hang around then I can seriously side with you and say that it's her bad. But even then, I can guarantee you that if she accepts the "skinny/ugly" terms - she probably and more than likely is doing it in hopes you come her way one day.

[MightyPen]

Gloria,

 

I appreciate the reply...you're obviously putting a lot of thought into it.

 

And I can't argue with much of what you said. I will tell you that at the beginning we both expressly told each other something like this...

 

"Look I'm not looking to mess up my life, or yours. We both know our respective situations aren't changing, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy getting to know each other..."

 

And we've both told the other (repeatedly) that we appreciate the other one being "sane" and "realistic." Basically she doesn't have to worry about me calling her out of the blue or doing something crazy like asking for a meetup, and I don't have to worry about it either. Basically neither of us will blow up the life of the other.

 

But yes, I said lots of things that conflicted with the idea that it would be platonic, and I'm sure she has remembered. You don't tell a platonic friend that you think about them all the time.

 

But anyways, NC has remained, and it's been almost 3 weeks and I'm guessing it will get easier. I'll admit that we each left a few hints that we might be able to rekindle things after some time passes and things simmer down, but that would be down the road, if ever.

[Els]

I have a few. Usually it's because we either view each other as brothers/sisters (especially if we knew each other since childhood) or we share hobbies and they view me as one of the guys. There is no attraction, at least not from my point of view anyway. If I was attracted to a guy and I was in a LTR, I'd probably try to distance myself from him. Fortunately I don't develop attraction easily.

 

Difference between opposite sex and same sex friendships - well, just the obvious stuff really. With the guys I don't sleep over at their place, we don't go into each others' bedrooms, they don't see me half-undressed, etc etc.

[quankanne]

my guys are the brothers I wasn't blessed with by blood, and I love each of them dearly. I met Ralph and Nes in college, and Tom and I were in the same line of work. Husband has met all three of them, is comfortable chatting with them on the phone and doesn't have a problem with me visiting them or them coming and visiting us. And Ralph (the only other one of us four who is married) has got the coolest wife ever: I'll get to their house and she'll chase us off to the beach because she knows I like going there, and that's where he and I just unwind. I love that woman madly, and he knows it.

 

sexual attraction ... I think Carhill said it best, when he wrote "At my age, such friendships are easy to manage." You can more easily stomp down any rogue thoughts about doing those kinds of things with them because you realize that the friendship as a whole is much more important than the thought of banging them is. The fun part? Giving them hell about the women they date, but still trying to line up decent women for them. It's all a part of the "big/little sister" role I play, and I've got to say, I never had this much fun with the brothers I was born in the same family with!

[emerald86]

I maybe had one guy friend where the friendship was strictly platonic, and this was back in college. I had several other close male friends where at the time I thought that the relationship was platonic, but it wasn't. And then the friendship fell apart. But I think this is just my experience. I've seen plenty of male/female friendships last a very long time.

[Sweeetie]

I have a best friend who I met 4 years ago. We enjoy each other's company a lot and have been there for each other whenever it is needed. I was secretly attracted to him and I think this was mutual, but for religious reasons on his side he has never let himself give into anything that's not platonic, even went through a phase when he couldn't talk to me for 2.5 years when he became ultra-religious. Now things are back to normal and I am at the stage where I want nothing more than friendship from him.

[fiskadoro]

How do you deal with any physical attraction you may have for him/her?

 

I find it hard to have close friendships with women I am attracted to. i used to think it was an intellectual failing on my part, but now I just accept that attraction is something chemical and it's best not denied; so if there is strong physical attraction, I can't do it.

 

I see the constant low-level emotional cheating and flirting that goes on between people who are supposed to be common friends and I know why soooooo many relationships fail.

 

A few of the women I am "friends" with are women I never had the balls to approach and eventually the attraction sank to a manageable level.

 

In general, men and women cannot be friends if there is any attraction. Sorry to say it. I have noticed that several of my female "friends" often seem to be kind of... opaquely open to the idea of something happening, and they would not voice this idea but it's obvious at times. Very obvious. Even today I have a very very close friend who I know just kind of got over her deep crush on me. She dotes on me as a friend and I have no physical attraction to her, but every now and then, I detect a whiff of that old desire to be with me. It's ego stroking and comforting for me. Do I consider her a friend? Yes. Oh, and if she ever went N/C on me to try to force anything, it would NEVER work, unless she came back totally transformed.

 

 

Is the friendship different from your same-sex friendships? If so, how?

Once you know someone likes you, you develop a fear, or a thrill. Fear if it's someone you don't want to lead on, and thrill if it's a thought like "wow, she is so hot and she likes me!" Even if I never acted on it. And you can never never never be 100% sure of the lack of any attraction, and you (unthinkingly) take that into account through your actions and behaviors. Of course that assumes that all my guy friends are 100% hetero and totally not into me, but that's a different can of worms, ha.

 

Please share any tips, experience or advice you may have.

Guys like to play possum sometimes and wait for their "Friends" to become available then make their move... sometimes they get tired of waiting and this girl de facto becomes a sort of friend, but not out of the same motivation guys become friends with other guys for. This is lame behavior and typically found in younger guys, this is why there is so much talk about "friendzones" and all that. If all you wanted was friendship and that changed, then are you sure you never wanted anything else? Really sure? Women are the same, they keep guy "friends" around as ego boosts and insurance policies. Every blue moon you will meet a woman who is honest about it, but most women are so addicted to the thrill of having these sort of guys dote on them and act ultra-protective, etc... they would have a hard time coming clean about it. Now again, after the passage of years you might accept that this person has weathered the hormonal storm long enough to become a friend, but that takes a while.

 

Girls love having guys who liked them as friends, and they will lie and fight tooth and nail to label them as anything but. If a guy really really finds a girl's personality that amazing that he considers her a close friend, then if she is at all attractive he will entertain the idea. Guys would jettison a friendship with a girl to try something with her. Humans are just hardwired that way, and it took me 20 years to come to grips with it.

Edited November 16, 2015 by fiskadoro

[dragonfire13]

Nope. To put it bluntly, they've all tried it on at some point, including one of my best male friends. We were only able to rekindle the friendship once he got back with his ex girlfriend and he apologised, saying he was on hurt and lonely from the breakup.

 

If two people are single and one or both of them are attractive, a friendship is damn near impossible I'd say.