Why do I keep attracting overweight women?

[losangelena]

Overweight women are the only ones messaging me on OLD, and when I set up dates, I show up to find that the girls are much heavier than their profile implied. IDK why either, Carhill. It's like I've got a fat magnet attached to me. It makes me feel like, "this is the best I can get? these are the only ones who find me attractive?" That really bothers me.

 

Sincere question, OP:

 

Who are YOU messaging? I mean, if a woman you're not attracted to messages you, why to you respond? I agree, that we should all ideally only dating those we are attracted to, so like the last poster said, how are you reaching out to people you find attractive?

[oberkeat]

Sincere question, OP:

 

Who are YOU messaging? I mean, if a woman you're not attracted to messages you, why to you respond? I agree, that we should all ideally only dating those we are attracted to, so like the last poster said, how are you reaching out to people you find attractive?

 

You make a good point. I do encounter the types of thin, fit women I prefer in yoga class, gym, etc, but I'm not in the habit of approaching gals in these places. I guess I could do more to get to know them, but I'm not sure women particularly like being approached at the gym?

[kpl]

There are a lot of problems in your statements, which is why I said I don't know where to begin with this.

 

If you say you prefer thin women in your profile you will probably exclude a lot of women in general. There is something about your approach that is missing something and comes off negative and putting that statement on your profile would turn thin and heavier women off.

 

You are focused on the wrong things.

 

IF you see a profile and the girl looks overweight or only has head shots do not talk to her period. It's like me hating blonde hair (not true) i hate blond hair! why do blondes always like me.

 

Yes over weight is a preference and you do not need to date those women so don't even entertain the possiblity. I'm assuming like most men you do not get a lot action on OLD in general. Most men have trouble finding women who will respond to them in OLD which has been the experience I have heard. I am also a firm believer in what you put out you get back. There is something about you that screams - not ready for a relationship. I think a mature person would look at the action they were getting online and just keep trying to meet other ppl. why are you so quick to say you are attracting something you feel is a negative thing b/c maybe deep down inside you think thats what you deserve. I also think women...all women would value you more if you valued things that really matter in a relationship. Wanting care, trust, mutual respect is much more of a turn on than thin women please....really who cares...like really

[Vintage79]

Where to begin with this. Over weight is not a negative quality when dating. It is your preference to not date over weight women...ok fine...but why do you end up on dates with them. That is crazy.

 

Emotional baggage (a bunch issue) ppl with baggage issues attract others with issues.

 

Being overweight is absolutely a negative quality when dating - many people find it less attractive - if it weren't a negative quality, overweight people would be able to date everyone that healthy people can...the fact that it limits the pool, or makes things more challenging, is effectively the definition of a negative influencer/quality. Yeah - you probably have a few people that prefer overweight people to healthy people, but given that they are the minority...hence it's a negative quality if you want access to the entire dating pool. If you have more specific interests, it may be less of a negative quality, but on a whole, across the overall population, it's a negative....saying otherwise is being a bit ridiculous...gotta be realistic.

[StocksnBlondes]

You make a good point. I do encounter the types of thin, fit women I prefer in yoga class, gym, etc, but I'm not in the habit of approaching gals in these places. I guess I could do more to get to know them, but I'm not sure women particularly like being approached at the gym?

 

I've been doing home gym and boxing gym but just about to start a regular gym. I personally would be ok if someone approached me in a non creepy way ...just take it slow and and talk about gym equipment or ask a question as an ice breaker ...at least people will be in your demographic.

 

I agree with others here that no body shot in OLD is a tell that they're probably overweight ...but it's all a frame of reference so what you consider overweight might not be someone else's observation. If you continue OLD just ask for a recent pic and a full length one. If the person balks then don't meet them.

[smackie9]

If you want to attract hard body women with no baggage and have some intellectual skills, you should be of equal traits or better. Is it possible your expectations are too high?

 

IMO you attract who you attract. I have a long time friend, and he always did and still does attract the heavy weights. It's because he say to us "I'm not the most attractive guy......" and I'm thinking if you have that kind of attitude, that's your problem right there. He's average but an attractive guy that I know can do way better. Has been divorced for I think 4 years, and he still struggles with dating.

[kpl]

Being overweight is absolutely a negative quality when dating - many people find it less attractive - if it weren't a negative quality, overweight people would be able to date everyone that healthy people can...the fact that it limits the pool, or makes things more challenging, is effectively the definition of a negative influencer/quality. Yeah - you probably have a few people that prefer overweight people to healthy people, but given that they are the minority...hence it's a negative quality if you want access to the entire dating pool. If you have more specific interests, it may be less of a negative quality, but on a whole, across the overall population, it's a negative....saying otherwise is being a bit ridiculous...gotta be realistic.

 

I don't think it is negative at all....my opinion and I think a really realistic one. Many ppl do not mind if someone is overweight. There is no world where all the thin ppl are scooping up men and heavier ones aren't. I firmly believe there is something for everyone. I think you get what you put out and what the OP is probably putting out is Im not ready to date so he attracts ppl who he is not really interested in. If he was confident and mature this would not be an issue. He would continue to date and move on and meet more women and not even give this observation more thought. My point is the issue isn't with these women, it is how he is experiencing this situation. How many of us on OLD get messages from ppl who we are not attracted but just weed them out. Why is this even an issue?

 

I consider myself overweight and I have never in my life had trouble getting dates because of it, but I also don't want to say that it can't be an issue for some ppl. My weight is not a thing I put on the table for anyone to dissect, Im confident fun and positive and just haven't met guys that cared. there is always someone for everyone the emotional baggage stuff to me seems like the bigger issue.

[Gaeta]

I don't want to be a smart-@ss or anything but are you American? If yes remember that 68% of Americans are obese so....

[Buddhist]

But dammit, I’m still attracting girls who are the direct opposite of what I want. I want to find a single woman who has a nice body (plus a minimum of emotional baggage, never been married, no kids, is outgoing and has good conversation and social skills.)

 

What must I do to attract the women that are right for me and that have the traits that I desire? Why aren't I attracting those women?

 

 

So I'm not judging you, you're preferences are your preferences and everyone's allowed to have them. I'm making a few assumptions here....

 

- I'm assuming you're mature enough to realise that the woman you describe is basically a unicorn. Yes. No worries with that, we all want a unicorn, and somewhere she may actually exist. So sure hold tight to your dream.

 

- When we have fragile self esteem we do tend to attract people who are pretty much the opposite of what we want. Trust me I know about this phenomena from personal experience. Somehow they read our aura or some **** and just know that despite appearances you are somehow a match for them on some level.

 

- The answer, is to keep rejecting the ones you don't want, keep believing in yourself and eventually you will get there. Sorry it isn't more mystical and immediate than that. But there you have it. It took the first 3 and half decades of my life before I was able to date in the right gene pool. Hang in there.

Edited October 5, 2015 by Buddhist

[joseb]

Stop going on dates with women who describe themselves as curvy and/or only have a headshot. Seriously, how long have you being using OLD? I think that was the first 'rule' I heard.

 

Don't wait on attractive women to message you. It's never gonna happen (consider yourself lucky that any women are messaging you).

You need to message. And a lot. And it needs to be funny. No 'hey, how's your day' b.s.

 

Consider giving up on OLD and using real life - example as given, gym, yoga etc. Do you run/bike/do triathlon? Lots of fit women there (though more fit guys to compete with!)

[stillafool]

May I ask again why you don't make it clear in your dating profile that you are only interested in fit, thin women? Wouldn't that stop the ones you don't want?

[Oregon_Dude]

- When we have fragile self esteem we do tend to attract people who are pretty much the opposite of what we want. Trust me I know about this phenomena from personal experience. Somehow they read our aura or some **** and just know that despite appearances you are somehow a match for them on some level.

This is a really, really interesting and good point. Thanks.

[PrettyEmily77]

What criteria do you have, other than weight? Maybe those women try their luck bc they think they fit your other criteria? Only speculating as I have no idea how OLD works.

[Tobin]

many fat girls are very aggressive. its the only way they can get dates.

 

I was going to write something like this.

 

I'll add "desperate".

 

Any guy can attract overweight women.

 

The trick is to attract the attractive ones, the ones that all guys want, the ones that KNOW most guys want them.

[jay1983]

You're not the only one OP. This is why guys use OLD for hookups.

[lino]

So, what's happening is that most of the dates I get are via online dating, and on more occasions than not, I've been dismayed and surprised when my date showed up being much more 'plump' than she presented herself in her dating profile. It's hard to tell what people's weight issues are when they're only using headshots, and when they check their body type as 'curvy'. I mean, wtf does that even mean?

 

Curvy is supposed to mean a nice shapely body with curves in the right places. It's somehow evolved into simply fat. When, how and why that happened? I'm not sure.

[Disconnect]

Because you probably ain't all that in the looks department.

[oberkeat]

May I ask again why you don't make it clear in your dating profile that you are only interested in fit, thin women? Wouldn't that stop the ones you don't want?

 

I really try to focus on positives and steer away from "don't message me if's" and other negatives in my profile because I personally find it off putting when I see it in girls' profiles. Your suggestion is probably a good one, though.

[carhill]

You can focus in on your preference for a fit body and commitment to health and fitness etc, etc and every bit of it can be respectful and positive. You want and are attracted to what you want and are attracted to. If that thins out your dating pool, well, those are the results.

[oberkeat]

I don't think it is negative at all....my opinion and I think a really realistic one. Many ppl do not mind if someone is overweight. There is no world where all the thin ppl are scooping up men and heavier ones aren't. I firmly believe there is something for everyone. I think you get what you put out and what the OP is probably putting out is Im not ready to date so he attracts ppl who he is not really interested in. If he was confident and mature this would not be an issue. He would continue to date and move on and meet more women and not even give this observation more thought. My point is the issue isn't with these women, it is how he is experiencing this situation. How many of us on OLD get messages from ppl who we are not attracted but just weed them out. Why is this even an issue?

 

It is an issue because I am not attracted to these women and yet they are the only ones that seem to be willing to date me. That's frustrating. That's like going to the restaurant and ordering one thing and yet the waitress keeps bringing out something completely different.

 

If you want to attract hard body women with no baggage and have some intellectual skills, you should be of equal traits or better. Is it possible your expectations are too high?

 

IMO you attract who you attract. I have a long time friend, and he always did and still does attract the heavy weights. It's because he say to us "I'm not the most attractive guy......" and I'm thinking if you have that kind of attitude, that's your problem right there. He's average but an attractive guy that I know can do way better. Has been divorced for I think 4 years, and he still struggles with dating.

 

Honestly, I am looking for the same traits that I feel I have. I really don't think there's anything wrong with me. I've never been married, no kids, I'm educated (finishing a masters degree), I exercise frequently, don't smoke, not overweight, can carry on a conversation about books films and politics and art. Aside from an occasional pimple, I don't have any physically off putting features. That's why it baffles me that I can't find someone like me who is single.

[introverted1]

I don't want to be a smart-@ss or anything but are you American? If yes remember that 68% of Americans are obese so....

 

I think it's 68% are overweight and 33% are obese.

 

But yeah. Pretty dismal.

 

It might not have anything to do with you, OP, and just be a case of that's who is out there -- loads of overweight people.

[kpl]

It is an issue because I am not attracted to these women and yet they are the only ones that seem to be willing to date me. That's frustrating. That's like going to the restaurant and ordering one thing and yet the waitress keeps bringing out something completely different.

 

 

 

Honestly, I am looking for the same traits that I feel I have. I really don't think there's anything wrong with me. I've never been married, no kids, I'm educated (finishing a masters degree), I exercise frequently, don't smoke, not overweight, can carry on a conversation about books films and politics and art. Aside from an occasional pimple, I don't have any physically off putting features. That's why it baffles me that I can't find someone like me who is single.

 

I can understand being frustrated that you are not getting the results you want OLD. Figuring out why is harder because it will take some deeper reflection on your end. I'm 100% sure there is not something you are doing that attracts overweight women but some kind of energy that isn't giving you what you want. work on being the best person you can be, don't make some common OLD mistakes (not seeing full body shots) if someone has no full body shot pics then don't talk to them period, asking for more pics imo is a turn off and comes off creepy. OLD is a risk and you are going to win some and lose some. Stop focusing on the losses if you don't want them anyway and focus on being your person to attract what you want.

 

I knew someone who had the mentality that all guys online were married and she kept meeting married men. What are views on women do you think there must be something wrong with single women OLD you need to really think about whats going on with you that is beyond the good on paper stuff.

[xxoo]

It is an issue because I am not attracted to these women and yet they are the only ones that seem to be willing to date me. That's frustrating. That's like going to the restaurant and ordering one thing and yet the waitress keeps bringing out something completely different.

 

 

 

Honestly, I am looking for the same traits that I feel I have. I really don't think there's anything wrong with me. I've never been married, no kids, I'm educated (finishing a masters degree), I exercise frequently, don't smoke, not overweight, can carry on a conversation about books films and politics and art. Aside from an occasional pimple, I don't have any physically off putting features. That's why it baffles me that I can't find someone like me who is single.

 

All sorts of people may be attracted to you, whether it's mutual or not. That's life.

 

Still, if you can not attract the women you're attracted to, look at the men they date. Do you ever meet women through friends?

[lino]

All sorts of people may be attracted to you, whether it's mutual or not. That's life.

 

Still, if you can not attract the women you're attracted to, look at the men they date. Do you ever meet women through friends?

 

This is basically it. You have to be like the men who get the women you like. Not that comforting but it's true.

[Eighty_nine]

Gosh, this post is so sad. I'm surprised no one else has pointed it out. I feel sad for you, OP.

 

First, I'm curious as to what "overweight" is. Is any woman without a "hard body" overweight? You're aware that women are meant to have breasts, hips, right?

 

But more important than any weight related issue is the way you make this blanket statement. "I am not attracted to ____. Period" fill in the blank with anything. It doesn't matter. When you make such a statement, you're really missing everything about what makes good romantic relationships so wonderful. And I'll tell you, looks are such a tiny part of falling in love. AND such a tiny part of having really great sex

 

I'm a fairly pretty girl. And I've been a size 2 and a size 14. I'm a size 8 now- very average and really the size I've found most comfortable. But I was still sexy at my heaviest. I've dated men you could consider hot and men that when I first met them, I had no physical reaction to. And that changes SO so dramatically when you connect with another person. That connection. THAT is what makes them sexy. I know most 20-something guys don't get this. But you will- someday- and you might regret saying "I'm not attracted to _____." This is called rigid thinking, and rigid thinking is never helpful. Probably most men think they're only attracted to tiny girls because that's what society tells them anyway.

 

I promise you'll have the best sex of your life with the girl you're most connected to, NOT to the hottest. Promise.

 

But yeah, common sense question; if you're going to have strict weight requirements, why would you ever go on a date with someone before you've verified through several photos that they meet your requirements...?

Edited October 6, 2015 by lissvarna