38 weeks pregnant - husband keeps playing VGs

[newlywedder]

Hi! I am now 38 weeks pregnant and due next week. I am going to keep working my job until the end of this week as I make double the income of my husband. We have savings built up from me working full time during the pregnancy and have not been going out much. We saw the Martian on Friday and it was worth every penny so that is it for our date nights for now.

 

When my husband gets home, he jumps on the computer and plays video games. It doesn't matter what! He is almost done with Borderlands prequel so then began watching You Tube videos of people playing games he is interested in. I guess to get a feel of the gameplay to see if he will enjoy it.

 

I can't bring myself to make dinner anymore when I get home so I crawl into bed and sleep or watch movies/shows on my tablet. I feel mentally and physically EXHAUSTED when I get home from work. I work as a computer programmer and my job is very demanding. My husband does programming but also IT work. His job pays very little for what he claims his work entails. He started that job 10 years ago after college and has had meager raises each year at the most.

 

Right now, I feel very disconnected from my husband because we are not communicating very much or doing much together. Before, we would watch shows together, play video games, go out to movies, coffee, bookstores, comic/anime conventions etc. Now, I never feel like doing anything but sleeping or watching Netflix, Amazon Prime, or Lifetime Movie Club on my tablet. I hate how bleak our dynamic has become as a couple. I feel so bad about it. I don't know what to do as my energy level is at an all time low.

 

He still does things I ask like take out trash and clean the cat's litter. I wish he would not always revert to playing video games and maybe spend more time with me by cuddling or watching shows with me. We don't have long until the baby comes so our couple's time will be slim to none.

 

Any advice?

[S2B]

Spell it out. Tell him what you need.

 

You need everything right now - and for a while after you have the baby.

 

Tell him - one hour of VG each night and that's enough. All other time should be spent doing things for you/the house and with you.

 

Train him now... Or he will never be one to carry his part.

[Mr. Lucky]

Before, we would watch shows together, play video games, go out to movies, coffee, bookstores, comic/anime conventions etc. Now, I never feel like doing anything but sleeping or watching Netflix, Amazon Prime, or Lifetime Movie Club on my tablet.

 

I think you have to realize the new dynamic is a change for him also. And while it would be nice if he figured it out on his own and stepped up to the plate, us guys are seldom that smart . As S2B said, plain spoken communication is the key both now and after the baby is born. Don't hope, tell him what you want. And congrats on your impending arrival!

 

BTW, good luck finding any man willing to lay there and watch Lifetime Movie Club with you :p:p...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

Congratulations on your new arrival! I know you're exhausted. Get all the rest you can things are going to get hectic FAST!!

 

Please learn by my mistake.... It took the 2 of you to make that baby & it's going to take BOTH of you to care for him/her. If you end-up trying to do it all you will become exhausted. Throw in hormonal changes & you could become a very depressed lady. Please be careful & make your H step-up.

 

I had a Co-Sleeper. It's a little bed that attaches to your side of the bed. It makes feedings & night time care so very much easier.

 

Quick lecture (This is my soap-box subject) Many women end-up with permanent chronic pain spine issues because they try to do way too much after having a baby. You need to get your stomach muscles back, they protect your spine!

 

Computer gaming is obsessive & addictive. If I had to make a list of things that wrecked my marriage it would be at the top, even above the other woman!! You're already feeling the distance & loss. It only gets worse! I made all kind of excuses for my H. 'He suffers from depression, it's a stress reliever!'. 'He's working so hard & it's his hobby. He enjoys it!'.

 

He would become obsessed with the latest game & stay-up later & later playing. The sleep deprivation (you've got that coming with the baby anyway) increased his depression & altered his mood drastically. We found it harder & harder to communicate because he was always staring at a screen! At one point I think I actually forgot how to talk!! He's a proffesional computer geek too.

 

Then he got bored of that game, bored of his life because "We had become distant & he didn't feel close anymore. We didn't share things etc". Our sex life suffered because he'd come to bed after I was asleep. I was criticized for not initiating....for some reason the prospect of having to position myself between his face & the screen to get any attention wasn't exactly a turn-on!! Your libido will be effected by birth anyway. Be careful this isn't the beginning of the end!

 

Does he smoke pot too? That increases the obsession.

 

My advise is obviously have a serious talk about this & stop it now before it becomes a huge issue. You NEED him. Wouldn't you love a massage? Him sitting with his hand on your stomach sharing this wonderful time? Discussing your hopes, fears & dreams for your families future?

 

In life, I believe you can choose the kind of marriage you want, the kind of parents that you want to be, the kind of FAMILY that you want. Speak-up. Don't fall into destructive habits now. Becoming new parents is bloody hard...wonderful, amazing, beautiful but still bloody hard. I think a lot of people look back & realize that mistakes made at this time were the beginning of the end.

 

Oh I know that sounds so depressing! I'm sorry. Just PLEASE communicate. The distance in a marriage starts so innocently. It would sound ridiculous for one to say "We got divorced because of computer gaming!" but I know people who would say that it was the beginning of the end....

 

TALK! I know you're exhausted, that's completely normal...but find the energy to get this sorted before its 2 of you in bed exhausted AND resentful & your partner still in a different room gaming!

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

What the hell does "train him" mean anyway? Sounds controlling to me. How about talk to him? Express yourself and your needs to him? Idk about this training though. I hate this idea where wives want to train their man to act a certain way. That's called being a controlling brat, and seeing yourself as superior to him.

 

No the key here is communication!! Tell him your desires and emotional needs. TELL HIM, don't suggest or hint at or leave vague clues that he is supposed to pick up on. Some people just don't have that intuition. Do you feel he is in touch with your needs? Obviously not, so TELL him what they are. Don't wait around and hope he figures it out. Talk it out. Yes it might be uncomfortable, but that uncomfortable chat can save years of an uncomfortable marriage. You have to talk to one another.

 

Question, do you come straight home every day and go to lay down in bed? Is this an every day thing for you lately? Perhaps he doesn't know he is upsetting you. There may even be a chance he thinks he is doing you a favor by letting you rest. He let's you do your thing because he knows you are tired, so he resigns to his gaming. The only way to know for sure is to communicate your needs. If he is still playing his games and doesn't seem to care about your needs, then it's time for an even more serious chat.

 

First step though is to just suck it up and tell him you need to talk. Let it out, and tell him how his actions are making you feel. Then you have no doubt about where his heart and head are at based on how he responds. But until you make an effort to express your needs, you can't expect him to know what they are. If you guys are having a hard time with communication, its never too soon to start working on it. There are tons of resources online to help with communication skills. It is to me the most important thing in a relationship.

 

GL

[Lois_Griffin]

He still does things I ask like take out trash and clean the cat's litter. I wish he would not always revert to playing video games and maybe spend more time with me by cuddling or watching shows with me. We don't have long until the baby comes so our couple's time will be slim to none.

BFD.

 

Seriously. Big friggen deal. Does he get a cookie because you have to ASK him to do a simple chore and he does it? How old is this guy?

 

Yet another marriage where the woman pretty much does it ALL plus works a full time job on top of it. And, you bring home twice as much but he still feels entitled to let you do it ALL because you're the female. Lucky, lucky YOU.

 

Be still my beating heart - he takes out the garbage? Why, that's a whole 3 minutes of effort. You're so blessed.

 

Just wait until you're back to work full time AND doing 95% of the child-rearing AND 95% of all the domestic chores as well. Shangri-La!

 

And all the while this lump will continue sitting on the couch thinking he's perfectly entitled to act like he has no responsibility whatsoever while you're busting your ass around him every night and every weekend.

 

Your cup runneth over.

 

I mention all this because you're going to start resenting him very, very soon. It's completely unfair that you have to do everything while he feels perfectly entitled to do NOTHING but play dumbass video games all day like he's some 15 year old kid who lives in his mother's basement and has no responsibility at all.

 

I'd be divvying up the household chores and the future child-rearing 50/50 responsibilities NOW if I were you. Otherwise, you're just going to run yourself into the ground like most women DO when they're married to guys like this because you're doing it all. Heed my warning.

 

Your biggest problem is that he's NOT a working part of your household. He thinks he lives at a damned hotel where you're his hand-maiden, so he's completely disengaged from the household and free to waste his time on video games.

 

Time to pull the damned plug on the computer and introduce him to adult life and responsibility.

[GunslingerRoland]

With a newborn you will have a lot of time at home, and there will be a lot more housework to do than their is now. You need to get your husband more engaged in your marriage. Doing stuff together, helping with cooking etc.

 

Once things settle down he should still be able to find enough video game time, but he has to realize he isn't a single guy who can do that all night/weekend long anymore.

[S2B]

What the hell does "train him" mean anyway? Sounds controlling to me. How about talk to him? Express yourself and your needs to him? Idk about this training though. I hate this idea where wives want to train their man to act a certain way. That's called being a controlling brat, and seeing yourself as superior to him.

 

No the key here is communication!! Tell him your desires and emotional needs. TELL HIM, don't suggest or hint at or leave vague clues that he is supposed to pick up on. Some people just don't have that intuition. Do you feel he is in touch with your needs? Obviously not, so TELL him what they are. Don't wait around and hope he figures it out. Talk it out. Yes it might be uncomfortable, but that uncomfortable chat can save years of an uncomfortable marriage. You have to talk to one another.

 

Question, do you come straight home every day and go to lay down in bed? Is this an every day thing for you lately? Perhaps he doesn't know he is upsetting you. There may even be a chance he thinks he is doing you a favor by letting you rest. He let's you do your thing because he knows you are tired, so he resigns to his gaming. The only way to know for sure is to communicate your needs. If he is still playing his games and doesn't seem to care about your needs, then it's time for an even more serious chat.

 

First step though is to just suck it up and tell him you need to talk. Let it out, and tell him how his actions are making you feel. Then you have no doubt about where his heart and head are at based on how he responds. But until you make an effort to express your needs, you can't expect him to know what they are. If you guys are having a hard time with communication, its never too soon to start working on it. There are tons of resources online to help with communication skills. It is to me the most important thing in a relationship.

 

GL

 

Train = as in, show him and tell him what is necessary when things get done.

 

Just as you would a child. Teaching them what a task looks like and expecting that they do it.

 

Map it out if necessary. Make a list. A list that's checked off when a task is accomplished.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

you belittle men by using words like "train him". As if men are pets to you, or a possession that you can control. Why even say "train him" when there are far better choice of words? I get what you mean, but still. That choice of words to me shows you think you are above men. Just my opinion.

[MightyPen]

Yeah the "train him" part seemed very demeaning to me as well.

 

Members of a household ultimately have to share in household duties because they recognize their responsibility to do so, not because they are henpecked or harassed.

 

I'd love to see the reaction to a poster who counseled someone to "train" their wife/female SO to do the things they thought she should do.

[spanz1]

you know, those video game consoles are prone to sudden breakdowns....

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Yeah the "train him" part seemed very demeaning to me as well.

 

Members of a household ultimately have to share in household duties because they recognize their responsibility to do so, not because they are henpecked or harassed.

 

I'd love to see the reaction to a poster who counseled someone to "train" their wife/female SO to do the things they thought she should do.

 

Not only that but she equates it to teaching a child. So she sees men as children. Again, showing she thinks she is above men. And you better believe the feminazi group who frequent these boards would be out in droves raking any man over the coals for saying "train my wife."

[toolforgrowth]

Not only that but she equates it to teaching a child. So she sees men as children. Again, showing she thinks she is above men. And you better believe the feminazi group who frequent these boards would be out in droves raking any man over the coals for saying "train my wife."

 

I've been an outspoken critic of third wave feminism on this site. You know what I've learned?

 

The people who frequent this site aren't in our target demographic. There's an underlying misandry in virtually all female communications about men here. Speaking out against it changes nothing, because they are not open to viewing men differently than children or pets to train. How could they? Our culture is so gynocentric, they are socially conditioned to view men that way.

 

Instead, I choose to approach it by sharing how their opinions or rhetoric would negatively affect their outcome. "A woman who thinks she can train me like a dog is not relationship material for me, and any such attempt on her part to do so would cause me to immediately terminate the relationship."

 

With that being said, I do sympathize with the OP's situation. Pregnancy is tough. If this is his first child, he may not know what to do. Direct, effective communication is definitely needed here.

 

It's also possible that he may think she wants to be alone, and he doesn't want to bother her. He may think he's doing her a favor.

 

I honestly have no idea. But talking about it without being accusatory is a good place to start.

[perol]

Maybe he's withdrawing from the relationship, hiding behind video games because he's afraid of the sudden increase in responsibilities that come with parenthood.

[BlueIris]

<ahem> And beware of diversions of the topic to how tortured and disrespected men are, or he is, or whatever…. I’m not saying he’ll do it but it IS possible and the last thing you need is to have a spoiled brat playing victim when a real baby is about to NEED real care and attention. If he does, just tell him, "Really, you just have to take over the household chores now." Simple and easy. Then get your sleep.

 

A good partner- male or female- would take over on their own initiative when their partner is in a taxing circumstance, such as yours. My husband did, no problem. He was pretty proud of it and justly so. Your H needs to step up now.

 

Also, I agree on the co-sleeper. I barely had to wake up for feedings, which was fantastic.

 

Congratulations.

[newlywedder]

 

Does he smoke pot too? That increases the obsession.

No, he does no drugs or drink alcohol. Sorry that happened to you. My H plays PC games exclusively so there is always a new game out on Steam for him to get addicted to. It is quite annoying! I used to play console and PC games as well but lately do not see any games I am interested in. I hope I can convince him to cut his game time to 1 hour or less each night. I am running out of energy!

[newlywedder]

Question, do you come straight home every day and go to lay down in bed? Is this an every day thing for you lately? Perhaps he doesn't know he is upsetting you. There may even be a chance he thinks he is doing you a favor by letting you rest. He let's you do your thing because he knows you are tired, so he resigns to his gaming. The only way to know for sure is to communicate your needs. If he is still playing his games and doesn't seem to care about your needs, then it's time for an even more serious chat.

Yes I do mostly. Some days like yesterday I was able to have dinner ready when he got home. He really likes when I do that for him because his primary Love Language is "Acts of Service". Mine is "Physical Touch" so when he neglects me for his games, I begin to feel unloved.

 

I brought it to his attention yesterday so he did not play any games the whole night, just laid in bed with me reading a book on his phone. He gave me a foot massage and we talked a lot about the baby and what is going to happen.

 

I then got him to do the dishes before bed. They have been stinking a ton as they been untouched for two weeks now. That was an agreement when we got married that he would do the dishes. I gladly paid a housekeeper to do them when I was single and working 70 hours/week. I wish I would not have to ask him to do things like chores. He should do it on his own without me having to nag. I hate being a nag!

[newlywedder]

BFD.

 

Seriously. Big friggen deal. Does he get a cookie because you have to ASK him to do a simple chore and he does it? How old is this guy?

 

Yes I hate having to nag him to do chores. I am 33 and he is 32. He keeps saying he likes to be nagged to do thing but I hate being that kind of person. I am a doer and get things going by nature. If something isn't being done, I do it myself instead of ask for help.

[BikerAccnt]

No, he does no drugs or drink alcohol. Sorry that happened to you. My H plays PC games exclusively so there is always a new game out on Steam for him to get addicted to. It is quite annoying! I used to play console and PC games as well but lately do not see any games I am interested in. I hope I can convince him to cut his game time to 1 hour or less each night. I am running out of energy!

 

 

I'm a gamer too, so I understand, somewhat. I'm divorced and with no children but I still can't manage to find time to game every night! Oh till the day I retire, but I digress.

 

 

He needs to step up, but you do need to communicate with him how you feel. We men are not the mind readers a lot of women think we are! As someone else said, he may well retreat to gaming thinking he is giving you what you want, a rest. Again, unless you specifically tell him what's on your mind, he's left guessing. And I for one, suck at guessing what women want.

 

 

You said that when you mentioned how you felt, he spent the evening in bed reading with you, and that you liked that. That shows me that he is willing to take your feeling into account.

 

 

You just need to communicate it to him in a non judgmental way. As someone who used to play games, you know what a distraction (in a good, or bad way) they can be. At least you understand the pull somewhat. A lot of people don't

[spanz1]

what? did I miss some sort of gender war going on at his site??

[Madame_Noire]

My OH plays computer games. He loves them, I do not mind them at all, if anything I tell him to play a game!!

 

We do not have or want children (through choice) and have a nice homelife. We share the chores and make sure that everything is in harmony at home. However, I would never have kids with someone who played computer games all the time and didn't pull their weight around the house as well. When the baby comes along, it will only bring more pressure and resentment in the household.

 

My cousin announced on social media that she was having a baby (first time) and I commented that to my cousin in law that he had to convert the games room into a nursery because he will not have time for video games.