How did I marry the wrong person?

[amu2005]

Did you ever stop and wonder, how you could have married the wrong person? I would have never thought this three years ago on my wedding day, but now this is all I think about. I am the type of person that thought marriage was forever. I thought there was nothing that couldn't be worked out between me and my husband. Well here I am three years later, and he wants a divorce.

 

Not that I am even ready to shart dating again, but how will I ever be able to trust another man. If I do ever want to get married again someday, how will I know if he is the one. How does anyone ever know the answer to that?

[Debster]

I feel for you.

It would help if you gave more information though.

Why does your husband want a divorce?

Why do you think you married the wrong man?

Did you guys talk about the big things beforehand - inlaws, children, work, $?

[XNemesisX]

She KNOWS she married the wrong man because he wants to divorce her now!

 

Ugh...I am so sorry to hear this, amu2005.

 

I don't think we ever really know that someone is The One. Everyone could have many "Ones" it's all about where you live, who you get to meet in your lifetime, etc etc. Pure coincidence and chance meetings. I don't even believe in that soul mate crap anyway....love is always a gamble.

[dgiirl]

Hey Amu2005,

 

I've been wondering how things are going with you. I hope you are feeling a little bit better considering the circumstances.

 

I'm asking myself the same questions, and my friends are telling me dont worry about it too much. Just reflect on the things you need to improve on yourself. When I reflect back on my marriage, I realize I wasnt completely happy. The next time around, I'll try to be more in tune with my feelings and make sure I'm happy. If it happens again, well it doesnt really matter cos atleast i was happier It's selfish, but hey, it's my life and I cant control what other's are going to do, so I better make myself happy.

 

I cant even fathom having another guy interested in me, let alone someone go out and hold my hand, hug me, tell me they love me. All of these things make me cry because I'm going to have a hard time believing them. But time heals your heart, and hopefully I'll be more accepting of it in the future. My guy co-workers/friends have been extremely kind to me, and it makes me cry. The kindness people have given me has been unbelievable, and I make sure I let them know I appreciate it.

 

My main goal right now is to learn to be happy by myself. Noone will be able to hurt me that way. And if someone IS interested in me, they're going to need to understand this experience, need to understand that communication is really important, and is going to need to work extra hard to make me fall for them. Not that they'll need to do much, since my husband wasnt very affectionate in the first place.

 

Marriage isnt about your "soul mate". It's about growing together, and spending time and understanding each other, and living life together. It's not always romantic dinners, but actually living real life. We understand what it takes to make a marriage work because we're willing to work on it right now. Our husband's dont, and that's their problem, and I dont understand how they can move onto another relationship when they didnt work on this one. I think they'll just repeat the same mistake in a few years from now.

[amu2005]

dgiirl I feel as if we are leading the same life! Every post I read of yours is as if I wrote it myself. I too do not understand how our soon to be exhusbands can go off and get into other relationships, they will make the same mistakes.

My friends and family have been super supportive during these past few months, I don't know what I would do without them. I am trying to work on myself and I am making small improvements. I have been doing what I want to do, when I want to do it without any remarks from the soon to be ex. I have also been doing much reflecting and have come to the conclusion that I wasn't truly happy. All the things that I want in a marriage, I was not getting. Maybe in the beginning it was different but the past year or so haven't been all that great. It just really makes you think.

 

I want someone to cuddle up with on the couch, hold my hand, someone to tell me they love me without me saying it first, someone to do yard work house projects, someone just to talk and laugh with. My husband never does any of this with me. I want to find this so badly, but I am so scared to get back out into the dating scene. Not that I have any intentions of doing that now, I need to focus on myself first. This I know for a fact. But with everything that has happened, how do you learn to trust someone again. I feel like all my emotions of being rejected and unloved will just push others away.

 

My situation is just so strange. The soon to be ex is still living in the house with me. He still wants to talk just about day to day things, he just doesn't understand how strange this is for me. You tell me you want a divorce, which is already filled but you won't leave the house and won't stop calling or talking to me. I am a generally nice person, when I do run into him at the house I am polite, but just tell him I have nothing to say. Then he asks, what wrong with you today? I just tell him the same thing, this is what you want and I am trying to deal with it. But how am I suppossed to have closure and move on with him still there.

 

I have been doing good the past couple of weeks, but I feel like I will fall to pieces once I have to move out of the house. I think that will be my breaking point. I have the strenght now, I just hope I still have it the day I actually have to say goodbye to him. I do try and just get through each day, which is how I am getting by at the moment. But it is hard not to jump ahead.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by amu2005

dgiirl I feel as if we are leading the same life! Every post I read of yours is as if I wrote it myself.

 

I agree, the similarities are very uncanny! I went to the book store the other day and was in the self help section and found a book called "The Script". Cheating spouses repeat the same dialog. I'm hoping if I can understand what is happening, I can prevent it from happening. Unfortunately, there's not much I can do. The only thing I do know, I need to get out of my depression because noone wants to be around depressed people. I'm still crying, but I am improving, and people are complimenting me saying I'm looking good. So it helps.

 

 

I have been doing what I want to do, when I want to do it without any remarks from the soon to be ex.

 

I think this is a great start. I'm starting to feel freedom again, and starting to recoginize my old self. The one who was happy and confident in herself. The one who attracted my husband in the first place.

 

I want someone to cuddle up with on the couch, hold my hand, someone to tell me they love me without me saying it first, someone to do yard work house projects, someone just to talk and laugh with. My husband never does any of this with me. I want to find this so badly, but I am so scared to get back out into the dating scene. Not that I have any intentions of doing that now, I need to focus on myself first. This I know for a fact. But with everything that has happened, how do you learn to trust someone again. I feel like all my emotions of being rejected and unloved will just push others away.

 

I was pming someone on LS the other day. She gave me great advice. Dont worry about dating. Be friends with someone first then see how it goes. I think this gives you the opportunity to get to know someone, trust them, let them understand what you went through, and then if they are interested in you, they'll let you know.

 

My situation is just so strange. The soon to be ex is still living in the house with me. He still wants to talk just about day to day things, he just doesn't understand how strange this is for me. You tell me you want a divorce, which is already filled but you won't leave the house and won't stop calling or talking to me. I am a generally nice person, when I do run into him at the house I am polite, but just tell him I have nothing to say. Then he asks, what wrong with you today? I just tell him the same thing, this is what you want and I am trying to deal with it. But how am I suppossed to have closure and move on with him still there.

 

There's no way you can have closure, especially when you're still living together. My therapist explained to me closure doesnt really exist. It's like a bandage covering a wound, every time you lift the bandage it still hurts. Eventually it'll heal, but it will always be around whenever you lift the bandage. I know it must hurt so much being in the same house, but there's still a little tiny bit of hope he might turn around. If it's healthy or not to hope, I dont know. Some days it was the only thing that helped me get through the day. I think we have to hope one day, then let a little bit of pain in to accept the situation, and flip flop back and forth until we're healthier. A therapist might be able to help with that

 

 

I have been doing good the past couple of weeks, but I feel like I will fall to pieces once I have to move out of the house. I think that will be my breaking point. I have the strenght now, I just hope I still have it the day I actually have to say goodbye to him. I do try and just get through each day, which is how I am getting by at the moment. But it is hard not to jump ahead.

 

Me too But as my friends tell me the more I heal now, the better I'll be able to handle the final contact. So if you're having some good moments, it's a good thing and you'll be able to rebound in the future. Just remember how you were the first day, and how you've been able to make small improvements every day. We can get through this

[st8toftheheart]

Well giving you a male perspective.

 

My ex was in a similar state, she was happy as punch and then I broke the news to her that I wanted out.

 

How did that happen and why?

 

We both screwed up. We let ourselves grow apart, to the point there was no hope of getting together again. Marriage is like a garden, just because it was beautiful this year doesn't mean that if you do nothing, its automatically going to be beautiful next year.

 

We both became lazy. She was content on just being married and waiting to have kids, and as long as I didn't beat her up, and paid the bills she thought the marriage was perfect.

 

I needed more. So I grew in a different direction, and she didn't stop me and didn't want to come with me.

 

So its not so much of trusting men again, it becomes how can I ensure that we stay in tune, that we work together and grow together.

 

Cause all marriage really is, is two individuals lives coming together as one, and sharing and feeding off each other for many things.

 

If the feeding isn't mutual the other becomes a burden, and is dealt with like all other burdens. Cast off as easily as possible.

 

I hope this was of some help.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by st8toftheheart

I needed more. So I grew in a different direction, and she didn't stop me and didn't want to come with me.

 

Did you communicate this with her? Did she know you wanted a divorce or did you just split? I'm not sure how you can prevent someone from growing apart when they refuse to communicate and tell you everything's just peachy keen, then splits the next day.

[st8toftheheart]

Originally posted by dgiirl

Did you communicate this with her? Did she know you wanted a divorce or did you just split? I'm not sure how you can prevent someone from growing apart when they refuse to communicate and tell you everything's just peachy keen, then splits the next day.

 

Good points. Yes she knew I wanted a divorce, when I knew I wanted one.

 

Very true, communication is key, and in esscence is what I was elluding to when I said you need to work at it. Neither of us communicated well, and if she saw problems never borught it to my attention and vica versa.

 

Possibly because we were scared of what the answers might be.

 

We went along on a daily routines. I was un happy but thinking it was other things in my life weren't right. Job friends lifestyle, went to change all that and then in the end realize i wasn't happy in my marriage. This is 8 years later.

 

Found ourselves with very little in common, barely any intimacy. Even so, she was content or either acted content, even though I was visiabably depressed. I failed to approach her and she failed to ask, because for her, she was content with the way things were.

 

So no, things weren't peachy keen, but what I am saying in regards to this post was that although you may be happy you're partner may not have been, or maybe you had the illusion that you were happy yourself. Cause the first thing she said when she went to see here therapist was that for the first time she actually saw we had a bad marriage.

 

So it goes back to the orginal question, how can she ever trust another man or make another commitment like this ever again. My response to that was, you have to work and continue working at it every day. You can't just get married and go through the motions.

[dgiirl]

I guess I understand what you mean. I became complacent with the way things were. I did not realize that I was suffering through depression/anxiety myself until after he left. I never realized at all he was depressed. I'm just wondering how do you work on a relationship to make it succesful? At the time, I was doing the things I thought I should do. I didnt realize that the intimacy was driving us apart, and even when I tried to get the things I needed to make our relationship better, he refused to hear what I was saying, and there was no feedback at all from him.

 

What would have saved your relationship? When you finally decided you wanted a divorce, what could she have done to save it? Because before, I assume, she didnt realize there was a problem. So when she found out there was a problem, is there something she could have done?

[mhsmadame]

I was in a very similar situation. I was married for 8 1/2 years to someone who never wanted to do anything with me. When we got married I thought we had so much in common. I guess the fault was mine because we were married only 10 months after we met. We didn't talk, we didn't go out together, he always told me to go ahead without him to parties, etc. When I was pregnant, he had an affair and left me when I was 8 months along. He moved back in after the baby was born and we thought we could work things out. Well, that didn't happen - we still didn't talk, he worked his full time job (firefighter) and 2 part time jobs just so he wouldn't have to be at home to help take care of my son. After 2 1/2 years of that crap I had had enough. I think he was cheating again, but I have no proof. We separated and the divorce was just final. I, too, thought I couldn't love anyone or trust anyone again.

BUT... a wonderful man (actually a friend -ex friend - of my ex's) called and asked me out. We have been seeing each other for almost 6 months. My son likes him, we do things just the two of us and with my son and his daughter. Granted, this happened a year after my ex and I separated - so it does take time. I have learned to trust this man and love him with all my heart. But don't get me wrong, I'm taking my time as far as anything more serious is concerned. There are other issues to be resolved first - another story.

So, hang in there.... I've been there.

[st8toftheheart]

Originally posted by dgiirl

What would have saved your relationship? When you finally decided you wanted a divorce, what could she have done to save it? Because before, I assume, she didnt realize there was a problem. So when she found out there was a problem, is there something she could have done?

 

To be honest I don't know if our relationship could have been saved no matter how early on. But what I can tell you if we had communicated better and been honest that without communication we would fail, this whole thing could have been solved many year ago sparing us from 8 years of unwedded bliss.

 

We were far beyond counselling, so there was nothing that could be done by the time I said I wanted out. But had she forced me to be open earlier with the thought if we didn't we would end, I would have sought anything. Because when you get married no one ever like to talk about divorce or think it can happen to them, so when troble arise you sometimes block out that this could end, so you act like its nothing and go on.

 

So by saying clearly that we need to talk, and that because you aren't talking you have to be clear that we cannot go on like this so we need to do something. Once you have an open dialogue then work can begin.

 

But from the get go, don't wait for a problem to happen. Work as a team feed off each other. Here's a big thing for me during this, have a life outside of your life with him. As long as you're not screwing around or doing anything illegal, the same goes for him, those lives away from each other can only enrich your life together.

 

My biggest complain about my ex wife and my ex gf (post divorce) is I felt like they were a burden to me. Your loved ones should never be a burden.

 

Eveybody situation is different but here is a window into mine.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by st8toftheheart

My biggest complain about my ex wife and my ex gf (post divorce) is I felt like they were a burden to me. Your loved ones should never be a burden.

 

This speaks volumes to me. I did not have a life outside of my husband. One of my divorced friends told me the same thing. We focused our whole life to this one person and got married too young. We were not balanced in our life. Hence my original response saying make yourself happy and let everything else work out on it's own. Not to be completely selfish and not try to make another person happy, but you have to make yourself number one first.

 

Everyone knows the problem is communication, but how do you actually _communicate_. Everyone thinks they are communicating at the time. Only in hindsight do you actually realize you were not. Life is so complicated

[st8toftheheart]

Originally posted by dgiirl

Everyone knows the problem is communication, but how do you actually _communicate_. Everyone thinks they are communicating at the time. Only in hindsight do you actually realize you were not. Life is so complicated

 

Yes but communication doesn't solely mean verbal. I can tell you that I'm fine, but my body language could say otherwise. But alot of people will take the verbal fine and say, that it has nothing to do with them and he/she will work out whatever it is that's bothering them or that everything is fine.

 

Sometimes people not only have to be shown how to communicate, but learn how to deal with the information being communicated. Sometiems they can do this on their own, sometimes they need external help.

 

There are some people who can both say things and show no signs of anything contrary to that. So if there is no verbal warning or action that anything is wrong and you feel that you have a life outside of his and things are balanced, and yet he/she still pulls a surprise like wanting out, there's not much you can about that I'm afraid.

 

Yes you're right, life ain't easy and there's no formula for success.

 

Sometimes things end. We just need to have the will to move on.

[b52srock]

I must say this thread has a lot to do with what I've been thinking about these past few months. My divorce (hopefully) will be final the 31st. We've had 2 previous postponements, so I'm not holding my breath!

 

Communication was the biggest problem in my marriage. Rather than talk about things, both of us kept things inside and let them boil. My biggest one was that I bought my own wedding ring. I thought I'd hinted around enough over the past 18 years that he would have gotten the hint that I wanted a ring from HIM. I didn't want a bigger ring, just one that HE had bought. He completely misunderstood what I was trying to say and thought that I just wanted a bigger ring to show off. See? I said one thing and he took it to mean something completely different because I didn't specifically say "I want you to buy me a ring. A ring that you pick out. A ring that you pay for. Something to show me that you really are committed to this marriage." I ended up buying the ring in the first place because of a comment he had made about being in the USMC, watching other guys buy huge rings for their finace's, then getting dumped and not getting the ring back. He said he'd never do that. So, when it came time to get married, I took an advance on my paycheck and bought the rings. At the time it wasn't a big deal. But over the years it really became a problem for me. A major irritant.

 

Its the little things you need to talk about. I still believe if we had gone to counselling five years ago when I begged him to that we wouldn't be getting divorced today. I believe a counsellor would have given us the tools we lacked to learn how to communicate with each other.

 

Unfortunately, he is dead set against counselling of any kind, so off to court we go!

[amu2005]

I agree with the counseling aspect. I feel if we went to counseling things may have turned out differently. Who knows if they would have, but atleast we would have tried every avenue possilbe.

 

This weekend has been very confusing for me. The divorce is supposed to go through on July 5th. Everything in my mind has been rushed and happening so fast. I feel like I have just been going along with everything because I didn't know what else to do. He wanted to divorce, and didn't want to go to counseling and said his mind was made up. That he didn't love me anymore and there was nothing I could do. The past three months have been a living nightmare, but I am still here and feel like I am stronger than ever.

 

So why now, that I feel strong is my husband having second thoughts????

I was just doing what he wanted. I feel like no matter what I can't win. I don't even know what I want anymore. I still love him and I told him that. But explained that I am a different person. He says now he is starting to realize everything he has said and done. But no he feels like to much has been said and done over these past few months to reverse the damage. I just don't understand him. He is still not willing to go to counseling. I know I can't convince him to go, but if he would only try we could work on our issues.

 

Then he tells me he doesn't want to get my hopes up maybe he is just feeling this way b/c last week was our 3rd year anniversay and my birthday was yesterday. He said this past week has hit him pretty hard.

 

Now I am completely confused. I don't even know what I want anymore. I do still love him, but I don't know if too much has been done and we are just supposed to go our separate ways or if there is any possibility we could work things out and be happy again. I know my husband is not happy, with life in general. He says he wants to be happy again, but just doens't know how to be. I want him to get help for himself in counseling.

 

I guess time will tell, I just wish I had a sign so I knew what I was supposed to do.

[dgiirl]

Wow, amu. That's good news, no?

 

Are you going to counseling yourself? These are questions you should definitely bring up with a therapist. Hopefully they'll be able to help you clear your head, and figure out the next steps. Reconciliation is not going to be easy, but if he shows you he's committed, you guys might be able to work things out. Right now, he's still flip flopping. I dont know if he had another woman, or if he had some other kind of plans that didnt pan out, so now he's coming back, or if he's really searched his heart and found that he wants you. When he finally makes his decision, you need to know why he's had a change of heart. Why he told you he doesnt love you the way he should a wife, and all the other things he told you in the heat of the moment.

 

Good luck hun!

[amu2005]

Yes, I am going to counseling. This is all stuff I talk about with my therapist. I will actually be seeing her tonight and I have lots to discuss with her.

My head is just very confused. I feel like my husband only says these things to reel me in closer and then when I start to respond he pushed me away. It is almost like a game to him. I think he was starting to feel like he was no longer in control of how things were progressing. I have been going out and not mopping around the house. And also have just tried to keep our conversations short and sweet, I think this is really getting to him. He does want to have control over the situation. I honestly don't think he knows what he wants. I know he is going through a lot too, but I just can't be that person he comes to talk with anymore. It is too hard for me. It makes me think that he wants to work things out, and then he says he doesn't want to get my hopes up. He tells me that i will never be able to trust him again, I don't even know if that is true. Maybe it is, he doesn't know how I am feeling. Everything has to be on his terms. Only when he is ready to talk, not when I want to find out more. He came to me the other night and was emotional and letting his feelings out, and the next day he acted like nothing happened. I wanted to continue talking and he said he was finished. He had nothing else to say. Now he is back to takling about selling the house. I am so uterly confused.

 

He is going through a lot within himself. I want to be the person to help him, but if he won't let me, I feel like I just have to let go and move on with my life. I don't always want to be second guessing myself. I just still have so many unanswered questions from him, and a lot of things still don't make any sense. How did he turn into this different person? And why didn't I see any of the signs? I just keep wondering, if nothing had been said if we would still be going on with our lives like nothing happened. And he would have been unhappy but not said anything, and who knows maybe I was unhappy also. I just don't know anymore.

 

I think this week I am getting out of the house and staying somewhere else just to get a clear head. It is just too hard to be in the house right now. Last week I was fine, and just trying to move on with my life. I was taking one day at time and things were going slow but good. Now, I feel like I've had a set back and can't get back on track. It's hard to not think that's how he wants me to feel so he can better control the situation.