JasmineJones Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 My sister is in what she describes as a serious relationship with a man who says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. My sister is 35, her man is about 40. Her boyfriend travels a lot for work and she has told him that because of this she is going to be continuing to have sex with various other men. She has FWB relationships now with 3 married men. She also has ONS with men she meets out and about in the street or through the course of work or normal social events. We are not really close so I have not yet asked her if all is OK or why she is doing this. Does this sound like sex addiction? Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 (edited) Just wrong that her partners are married but it doesn't seem like sexual addiction. Unfortunately she has married partners and that doesn't bode well for bf if he values fidelity if they get married. However, they may never marry but always have an open relationship. If her fiancé is ok with it then it really is just a matter of preference. Best, Grumps Edited October 6, 2015 by Grumpybutfun 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Without some reason to think she's literally addicted to sex (can't stop, behavior is harmful), it sounds like she just likes sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 I made the sex addiction connection because I wondered if she might be reacting to something terrible that happened in her past. Ten years ago she was raped by 5 men. She's refused any sort of counselling for that trauma and ever since then she has become more and more promiscuous. Prior to her rape she was always in monogamous relationships. Since then she has started even picking men up in the street and having sex with them that day or night. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I made the sex addiction connection because I wondered if she might be reacting to something terrible that happened in her past. Ten years ago she was raped by 5 men. She's refused any sort of counselling for that trauma and ever since then she has become more and more promiscuous. Prior to her rape she was always in monogamous relationships. Since then she has started even picking men up in the street and having sex with them that day or night. That would have been good to know in OP. She has serious issue concerning fear, safety and control but that doesn't make one a sex addict. Sex addiction is different than using sex as a coping mechanism to trauma. Does she see a therapist? If not, that would be a good start for her. Unfortunately she won't work anything out with controlling sex with a bunch of men though it is a coping mechanism for rape survivors. She needs help to move past it and to have her boundaries back. She needs serious help with the trauma. Good luck, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 That would have been good to know in OP. She has serious issue concerning fear, safety and control but that doesn't make one a sex addict. Sex addiction is different than using sex as a coping mechanism to trauma. Does she see a therapist? If not, that would be a good start for her. Unfortunately she won't work anything out with controlling sex with a bunch of men though it is a coping mechanism for rape survivors. She needs help to move past it and to have her boundaries back. She needs serious help with the trauma. Good luck, Grumps No she did not have therapy at the time of the attack and she's never had it. I have raised the idea of therapy with her over the years but she is not interested at all. She says she feels completely in control of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Totally sounds more like sex addiction than just loving sex to me. Other she wouldn't be seeking out affairs and one night stands and all sorts of strange sex while she is already in a happy relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 Totally sounds more like sex addiction than just loving sex to me. Other she wouldn't be seeking out affairs and one night stands and all sorts of strange sex while she is already in a happy relationship. That's what I thought. She is head over heels in love with this guy. But she continues to have sex randomly with more and more guys. One of the guys she is having sex with she has admitted she doesn't even like. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Is she unable to stop? Does the behavior harm her directly? (I don't mean is it risky, I mean is it harmful, the way drinking alcohol is harmful to an alcoholic.) If not then it doesn't sound like an addiction, tho she might have other issues like grumps said. Are the men she picks up "in the street" just random passers-by or do you mean in bars etc.? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 Is she unable to stop? Does the behavior harm her directly? (I don't mean is it risky, I mean is it harmful, the way drinking alcohol is harmful to an alcoholic.) If not then it doesn't sound like an addiction, tho she might have other issues like grumps said. Are the men she picks up "in the street" just random passers-by or do you mean in bars etc.? I don't know whether she feels able to stop or not. Her partner is very unhappy about the fact she is sleeping with other men. But at least she is honest with him. He is being monogamous. I can't imagine that she would have unprotected sex with all these people, but I'm not sure. I hope not. The men she picks up in the street are sort of like passersby. Last week a man came up to her in the street and told her she was hot and tried to strike up a conversation. She responded by saying to him "let's f*ck. I know what you want." The reason I know this is because she told me all about it and is proud of it I think. So she took him back to her flat and had sex with him. She says she's no idea if this guy from the street last week is married, or what his real name is etc. There have been other hookups from passersby as well. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I don't know whether she feels able to stop or not. Her partner is very unhappy about the fact she is sleeping with other men. But at least she is honest with him. He is being monogamous. I can't imagine that she would have unprotected sex with all these people, but I'm not sure. I hope not. The men she picks up in the street are sort of like passersby. Last week a man came up to her in the street and told her she was hot and tried to strike up a conversation. She responded by saying to him "let's f*ck. I know what you want." The reason I know this is because she told me all about it and is proud of it I think. So she took him back to her flat and had sex with him. She says she's no idea if this guy from the street last week is married, or what his real name is etc. There have been other hookups from passersby as well. That sounds more like ultra-hedonist/deathwish behavior to me. I guess if she refuses any help or to take any advice, there's not much you can do regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 it doesn't sound like sex addiction. it sounds like a woman who didn't deal with her past issue w/the rape and now has zero self-worth because of what happened to her. she obviously needs therapy and intervention of some sort, but at 35 you can't force that on her. she's traumatized and acting out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 it doesn't sound like sex addiction. it sounds like a woman who didn't deal with her past issue w/the rape and now has zero self-worth because of what happened to her. she obviously needs therapy and intervention of some sort, but at 35 you can't force that on her. she's traumatized and acting out. Aside from the sex stuff she doesn't behave like a person who has zero self worth. It's all very confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Promiscuity is one of the conditions. Activity involving strangers as opposed to those which carry intimacy. Hyper-sexual. Irrational justifications for such needs as opposed to a want. it would stand to reason that this person has some off center behavior that needs addressed by a professional. If she isn't one now, she is certainly heading down that path rather quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
htmshsj Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 I don't know whether she feels able to stop or not. Her partner is very unhappy about the fact she is sleeping with other men. But at least she is honest with him. He is being monogamous. I can't imagine that she would have unprotected sex with all these people, but I'm not sure. I hope not. The men she picks up in the street are sort of like passersby. Last week a man came up to her in the street and told her she was hot and tried to strike up a conversation. She responded by saying to him "let's f*ck. I know what you want." The reason I know this is because she told me all about it and is proud of it I think. So she took him back to her flat and had sex with him. She says she's no idea if this guy from the street last week is married, or what his real name is etc. There have been other hookups from passersby as well. Given her circumstances, I'd be worried about her. Regardless of whether or not her behavior is right or wrong, it is still abnormal for a 35-year-old woman, especially one who is now dating someone she really likes. The hypersexuality is probably a defense mechanism (i.e. you can't rape the willing), and it sounds like she's getting herself into riskier situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JasmineJones Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 Given her circumstances, I'd be worried about her. Regardless of whether or not her behavior is right or wrong, it is still abnormal for a 35-year-old woman, especially one who is now dating someone she really likes. The hypersexuality is probably a defense mechanism (i.e. you can't rape the willing), and it sounds like she's getting herself into riskier situations. Yes I agree. Until or unless she decides to try therapy I guess nothing will change. Link to post Share on other sites
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