What did you say to end it

[Scarlet2]

If you didn't have a discovery day and you decided to end the affair, what did you end up saying and was it face to face, text, phone?

[yodelwithyu]

Hey Scarlet,

 

My situation was a little different, because I didn't know I was OW, and then on DDay he turned his marriage into an open marriage. But I think at the end of the day, we all suffer the breadcrumbs and disappointments and usually end up the same way. So maybe my story/words will mean something to you and others.

 

I actually planned the end with him for about a month. I decided to leave the country and go back to my family, at least for a while. So we had all our phone calls, texts, emails and then I had him drop me off at the airport and initiated NC as soon as I went through security. For me, making a clean break like that helped. Obviously, not everyone can leave the country/state but I do believe a face to face was good for me, and if you can make some sort of clean break gesture like changing numbers, emails, apartments, it might be what will help to distance yourself.

 

I actually write a lot of letters, and am clearly verbose, judging by my posts and replies. So I will post the two main letters I wrote him. I am putting them in the book I am working on, but I hope that my words can help you or others find your words or clarify your thoughts. ((HUGS))

[yodelwithyu]

This is the letter (with a preface) a couple of weeks after finding out he was married, and a couple of weeks before DDay:

 

“So I started the letter I am about to send you before the change in status this morning, but it really doesn't change anything I have to say. I know I have tried to walk away from you and things just keep pulling us back together. I don't know how it will finally happen, but hopefully for both our sakes, and the sake of other people, it will happen sooner than later. And maybe one day, we will be lucky enough to carry on just the friendship part of us. But that day is not today and it is not tomorrow. I have a feeling it is going to be a long while from now. I can't imagine missing you more than I already do.

 

My Dearest MM,

 

The other day you said to me that I confuse you. I have thought about it a lot in the last two days, and while I am sure what I have to say won’t alleviate your confusion, I think that it all needs to be said. First and foremost, I love you. I know this because I have never missed anyone as intensely, longed for someone so wildly, or wanted someone’s happiness so badly. I also know this because I am not one to forgive or forget, but even in the face of your enormous betrayal and breach of trust, as well as the daily hurts that come from just knowing you, I always forget and sometimes I even forgive the pain you cause me. To say that you have become an integral part of my life seems like an understatement. Not just in matters of love. In fact, more so in matters of friendship and companionship (albeit, from afar).

 

The root cause of your confusion IS the fact that I love you and need you so passionately. But I do want to walk away. I need to walk away. I thought maybe if you see the reasons in writing you will understand that me letting go doesn’t mean that I love you any less.

 

The heart of the matter is, of course, the fact that you are married. The “one detail I can't forget,” as you put it, is integral to everything. To who you are as a person, to who we are as a couple, and to whom I choose to be in the future. At the top of the list is that you did not tell me until I already had feelings for you. And to be clear you did pursue me, very aggressively. You started off our love story with betrayal, deception and by generally making a fool out of me. How I am even able to tolerate you, let alone still miss you is beyond me. Love, I suppose. Secondly, as much as you tell me I don’t owe your wife anything and that I should live for myself, that is just not me. The emptiness I feel inside sometimes after having talked to you is almost deafening. I feel guilty, and I always will. Hearing you say you love me fills me with butterflies and razor blades at the same time. This leads me to discuss MY needs and how you being married effects them.

 

Let’s start with what I am going through at this very moment. I am very alone and very scared. I know you are doing your best to be there for me, but it just not enough. I mean you are in London on vacation with your wife, and I am having to fake smiles in front of my family so that they don’t know how afraid and sad and lonely I am. That is just unfair. I need you to hold me or to be available to me when I need, not when you can, in hiding, because that is what people in love or in relationships do. Be there for each other, in every way possible.

 

You spend all this time telling me that I am the most special person ever, so why do I get to be second best? Don’t I deserve more than that? In fact, why should there be more than one place at all? I deserve to be someone’s ONLY one. The only one they think about, the only one that makes them feel giddy, the only one they kiss goodnight. This kind of applies even if you weren’t married. I deserve to dream of a happy future, or make real plans with someone. I deserve better than to be told that you want both of us. I don’t think you will ever know the pain of that sentence. Not even if I start dating someone, even. Because for you, you have your sure thing/commitment, and I am extra in this story. If I start dating someone, they will be the extra, because you are already taking up space in my heart.

 

Which brings me to my next point. I don’t know sometimes the depth or capability of your love, and it is confusing to say the least. I believe it was Jonny Depp who said “If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one because if you really loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” While I don’t want you to chose anything or anyone, the quote kind of states what I thought would be your thought process. Especially because you claim you have never felt this way. Not because I asked anything of you, or because you felt you had to make a choice or lose one or both of us, but because essentially, I don’t believe that you can love two people equally. I guess, in a way, I’m saying that when you did realize you felt so deeply for me, you should have realized something within yourself, and made a decision about your life before I even knew any details. So then none of the burden or obligation would be on me.

 

Please don’t take this quote and think I am subtly asking for something, I am not. Nor will I ever. The reasons are fairly simple. I don’t think I could live with myself knowing that I blew up your wife’s life. I mean, when you first told me, you made it seem like you guys were in the unhappiest of marriages, and now it seems like the opposite. Unhappy couples don’t vacation together, or have sex on a semi-regular basis. Especially for someone like you, how you have described yourself sexually. So I don’t actually think you are unhappy, you were just complacent. That is not a good enough reason to pursue someone else and then start an entire relationship with intense feelings.

 

The other reason I would never ask you to wreck what you have for me is that, well, I simply cannot trust you, and that would mean that there is no long term future. I guess it would still be something I could work on, and try to understand, since I do know our connection is special, had you not cheated in the past. I know it was not the same, but it was still a transgression and a breaking of your vows. You say I am intelligent, so how could I ever be stupid enough to think that if a man left his wife for me, that he won’t do the same to me? Or just the fact that sometimes, without even knowing, I was complicit your lies. So I know you know how to do it, and do it well. And if for some reason, we could be together in the future, I would always wonder, and that would tear us apart.

 

I know it seems like all I am doing is vilifying you, but rest assured, that I am not trying to walk away from a place of hate. Though it has been strained, and very challenging, I do so appreciate how you have been there for me in the last week. From every declaration that you made, to the time you have given me. I could not have survived this without you. When you told me that you will honor my decision, and be there for me no matter what, I believed you. And it, of course, made me love you more. It is that goodness in your heart that I fell in love with in the first place. Yes, you have done wrong both by your wife, and me, but I know inside you is the soul I fell for so quickly and so hard.

 

Tons of vivid images have been going through my head since that conversation. Partly because of what you said, and partly because I said things I finally said out loud, and they suddenly became real. A lot of them have been beautiful and happy, some scary and some devastating. In hindsight, the most frightening images that I had were the ones where we were laughing, and your smile lines were showing prominently, and we were holding hands, felt like we were in a place that was ours. And there was just us, and our maybe family. It actually made me so happy that now there is no doubt in my mind I have to walk away. I never actually want to turn into that person that asks you the impossible without giving you a guarantee. Or worse, getting in so deep, that I convince myself AND you that our future/happiness is guaranteed.

 

I also have to walk away because as I have told you many times over, it just hurts. all of it. In some ways, I am so thankful that we are so far apart from each other and have only had phone contact for as long as we have. Even over the phone though, it hurts. It hurts to miss someone who I cannot say is mine, it hurts to want someone I have no rights to, and it hurts to not be able to see a future. I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you want from me, which is only part time. I just can’t do that. Believe me, I have been trying.

 

I can’t give you what you want and you can’t give me what I want. So you see? Our story already has a “the end.” Someone unknown said, “Finding you was like catching a snowflake. We didn’t have much time.” That is how I will always feel about you. You know in the diagram of my heart now there is a piece drawn out with MM written in it.

 

I love you MM, for all the good, and even the bad, for they will serve as lessons one day.

 

Love,

Yodel”

[yodelwithyu]

This is the letter I wrote to him after I tried being part of his open marriage/life and it just hurt too much, because he was still giving breadcrumbs and breaking promises and I just wanted it to be over:

 

“Dear MM,

 

Earlier today you said you could give me what I wanted. The truth is you can’t. You can give me what little I ask of you in this arrangement that I didn’t ask for. An arrangement that will always hurt me, an arrangement which will always have more sadness than joy, an arrangement that will never be enough. I know you have fought for me and tried your best, but in this case your best is just not enough. Your best will not stop me from missing you when you are having fun with someone else, it will not stop me from hurting when you are happy with someone else, and it will not stop me from dying when you are sleeping with someone else. Anything short of you only sharing your body and heart with me is just never going to be good enough.

 

I told you would never ask you to chose between me and her, and I still won’t. I don’t now nor have I ever wanted you to end your marriage for me. In fact, at this point, I don’t need you to chose me, I need to chose me. I need to chose to recover my self respect, my sanity and my misguided, bleeding heart. After we spoke last night, I was left the the too familiar feeling of disappointment. Nothing had changed. On your end anyway. I tossed and turned and couldn’t sleep, like I had many other nights. But last night was different. I could admit to myself that I wanted to demand things of you. I wanted to scream to not go on vacation with her, because it will kill me. And there I lay. The world’s biggest and most foolish hypocrite. I had already given up so much of my morality and integrity to justify being with you. Now I was screaming at you in my head to pick me. And I knew it was over. Because I never wanted to be that person who gives ultimatums. Or the person who has to ask to be respected or loved. And also because the wife always comes first. Everyone knows that. So I knew I had to be done. Finally.

 

You came into my life, and though I was finding my way there, you helped set me free. You showed me that I could choose myself and be happy with my choices, for myself and no one else. Immediately after giving me wings, you trapped me in a cage. A box considerably smaller than the ones you complained of living in for so long. Now I am living a life more limited and agonizing than the one I had left behind. The shattered pieces of my life that I always thought I couldn’t ever put back together don’t even exist anymore. They broke into tinier pieces, then turned into dust. And now I am nothing. I am the worst possible version of myself. And the worst part of it is that with you, I had found the best version of myself.

 

I know there are days you think we are making progress, and then I fall apart again and you are confused. Maybe it will cause you to think that I don’t love you enough or that I am crazy. The truth is, that I am crazy. Crazy, insane and unhealthily in love with you. Here is the thing: I try and I try to be what I need to be, and I want to believe that we can make it work. But I live in denial all the time. About everything. And when reality rears its ugly head, I can’t keep it in anymore. I say things like I need time or I can’t do this, or call me in a few days when you figure things out. Maybe you think I’m playing games, and in a way, I am, with myself. I’m delaying the inescapable end of us. I just want to give it one more day, give you one more chance, give our love one last hope. I feel eviscerated everyday. This deep, dull harrowing pain that only gets alleviated for a few hours a day, if I am lucky. And it has finally crushed me. I know better than to put myself through this, but I didn’t want to know, so I just kept going. I desperately needed to believe that a connection like our would find a way. But, there is no way. No hope. I have battled the end for so long, that some days I actually believed all of this would work. The war of attrition between my mind and heart has finally worn down my body and soul. And I have no more fight left in me.

 

I know that my emotional breakdowns have been tough. And I apologize for that. The thing is, I don’t want to keep doing that to you. Mostly to myself, but also you. You say that I am special, and that I changed you and I make you happy. I just want to leave it that way. We had something beautiful, and all this back and forth will turn it uglier than it already has. I don’t want to do that. Yes, I have pain in my heart caused only by you, but I also have love. And I just want to walk away still feeling it, because I have to know that we went through all of this for a reason.

 

Just because we didn’t make it doesn’t mean it wasn’t true. I have to believe that. They say just because you love somebody doesn’t mean you end up with them, and I guess that is how it will be for me. The truth is that we have both loved before and will love again. For me, it might not be tomorrow, or next month or next year, but I have to believe that I can love someone the way I have loved you, and they will love me back in the way that I want and deserve.

 

I love you MM, I just can’t be with you.”

[Gloria_Smellons]

If you didn't have a discovery day and you decided to end the affair, what did you end up saying and was it face to face, text, phone?

 

You know what I said?

 

Absolutely nothing.

 

I didn't want to do it anymore, so I just didn't. I didn't/don't owe him anything, no explanation was necessary.

 

Words are MEANINGLESS, so why waste any more time on them.

[wanderingxsoulz]

You know what I said?

 

Absolutely nothing.

 

I didn't want to do it anymore, so I just didn't. I didn't/don't owe him anything, no explanation was necessary.

 

Words are MEANINGLESS, so why waste any more time on them.

 

Agree. All I did was send a text that said, "I don't want to see you anymore." He asked why, I did not answer and that was that. No contact ever since.

 

Wish I knew then that life without him going to be just as painful as whatever little I got from him.

[cif]

Silence speaks louder than any wall of text you send.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Wish I knew then that life without him going to be just as painful as whatever little I got from him.

 

Chin up wandering. It will be painful, that's okay. But unlike continuing with him in your life the pain will fade in time. It will get better. Promise.

[Lovetoohard]

I simply said "I want out. I can't do this anymore. I want and deserve to be in a committed and monogamous relationship." And i walked out of his office. He called me about a week later and we talked for 3.5 hours...it was more him rehashing the relationship, giving me false assurances and finally blaming me for "not being supportive of him because what was he supposed to do, dump his family and kids???" I laughed on the inside. Yes, HE was the victim. I tried to maintain a work-friend relationship but quickly realized that he was behaving like I had wronged him and and so I ditched that effort pretty quickly.

[Lois_Griffin]

My situation was a little different, because I didn't know I was OW, and then on DDay he turned his marriage into an open marriage.)

I have to be honest with you.

 

If any lying piece of sh*t DARED to pretend to be single to lure me into a relationship with him when he was really married, the absolute LAST thing on earth he'd get from me is some long-winded love letter.

 

His freakin head would be embedded in a brick wall and I'd be on the phone with his wife while he bled.

 

You need to find your anger.

[DKT3]

Chin up wandering. It will be painful, that's okay. But unlike continuing with him in your life the pain will fade in time. It will get better. Promise.

 

I think she is saying he didn't add anything to her life of worth.

[Grapesofwrath]

I sent a text saying "I don't think I can do this anymore." Then I just went NC. A few days later we talked on the phone for about an hour, and I reiterated my stance that we were done, and why. I did that for me, not for him.

[MightyPen]

People seek closure and "goodbyes" in different ways.

 

Yodel is obviously very eloquent. I enjoyed reading her letters because they were heartfelt and so well-written.

[imperfectangel]

I've tried many times to end it but my MM will just check out and flatly ignore me for weeks at a time with no explanation or reason. That's what killed it for me

[yodelwithyu]

OMG, if I could say nothing, EVER, it would be a blessing! I am hopefully making up for it by not responding to his stupid breaking of NC now. Having said that, I think a lot of what I write is inherently for me to get it out of MY system, organize my thoughts and I feel better once it is said, even if it falls on deaf ears.

 

And yes, they are, essentially, love letters, but that is me. I loved him genuinely. Also, the angry, scary bits all went as texts in the spur of the moment and even if I wanted to post some on here, it would look like this: I can't believe *** ***** you *** blah blah *************** anger ***** anger *** ****** ***** Can't do this anymore *** *** ***** middle finger. LOL!

 

Thanks for the compliment MightyPen!! It means a lot!

 

LoisGriffin, I LOVE YOU! I am SO looking for my anger. It is building and I can feel it. YAY!! Sometimes I think maybe I just used it up during the relationship and got all those *ahem* words out too!

Edited October 6, 2015 by yodelwithyu
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[Eighty_nine]

Yodel, your writing is beautiful but I'm going to be that cynical awful person who suggests it wasn't really love. Trust me I've been there. The passion, the longing. But then I was in a relationship that had passion, consistent support throughout anything I was going through and understanding even if it was him I was mad at, and no longing because I never had to long for him. He was ALWAYS there for me, physically there and emotionally there. I then realized tragic romances, as beautiful and mysterious as they are, are just not love. They're something in their own right and its taken me months and months to recover from some of them. But they are not love. Your partner who is your best, most supportive friend, that is love.

[yodelwithyu]

Thanks Lissvarna. I do agree with you about the affair love being a different monster all together, however, I did love him before I realized I was the OW. And he was passionate and supportive and there for me. What a joke. What it all was AFTER becoming the OW or secondary partner or whatever, though, I'm still not sure about that!! Its gross.

 

ImperfectAngel, if you are the one trying to end it, and he disappears on you like that, I would feel like it would be a good time to disappear on HIS ass by changing contact info. Are you still maintaining NC from your post at the end of September? I hope so!!

[Popsicle]

If you've never complained before about the crappy dynamics of being an OW, then your MM may not know that you are unhappy and perhaps you should say something to him in closure to let him know why it has to end.

 

But if you have complained before, then you don't have to say a word, just disappear, and trust me, he will know why or put it together soon enough. That is what I did.

[imperfectangel]

mperfectAngel, if you are the one trying to end it, and he disappears on you like that, I would feel like it would be a good time to disappear on HIS ass by changing contact info. Are you still maintaining NC from your post at the end of September? I hope so!!

 

Im trying to. I have blocked his email and deleted his numbers. But I miss him. This is when it gets hard

[Grapesofwrath]

Im trying to. I have blocked his email and deleted his numbers. But I miss him. This is when it gets hard

 

It's easy to miss him and remember just the good times. When that happens, also give equal brain time to the anger you felt when you learned that he deceived you. Think about the daggers that come along with being involved with him. Think about the upcoming holidays, and how he would have abandoned you--AGAIN--during that time because he doesn't prioritize you. Remember all that, too.

[nikki76]

Exactly like Gloria did, I said absolutely nothing. Just blocked and deleted. Never heard from him again.

 

My H is still friends with him, so they talk every so often. Which I find super creepy. (We never had a dday) and he had the cojones to show up at our block party last month. This made me realize my decision to go NC, was one of the best decisions I ever made. Sure, I have a few days here and there where I wish I would've had "closure ", but I know, nothing he would have said, would have made a difference.

 

Every person heals differently. It was hard in the beginning. But it's been a long time since I've missed him. I still hate him with every ounce of my heart. And I probably always will. It's only been 5 months NC, but its strange, it seems like a life time ago I was in that crazy mess. So much has changed within myself for the better.

 

You just have to be ready to end it. When you're done you're done. It sounds impossible at the time. But looking back, it really is as easy as block and delete and never looking back.

[Bendy_willow]

Exactly like Gloria did, I said absolutely nothing. Just blocked and deleted. Never heard from him again.

 

My H is still friends with him, so they talk every so often. Which I find super creepy. (We never had a dday) and he had the cojones to show up at our block party last month. This made me realize my decision to go NC, was one of the best decisions I ever made. Sure, I have a few days here and there where I wish I would've had "closure ", but I know, nothing he would have said, would have made a difference.

 

Every person heals differently. It was hard in the beginning. But it's been a long time since I've missed him. I still hate him with every ounce of my heart. And I probably always will. It's only been 5 months NC, but its strange, it seems like a life time ago I was in that crazy mess. So much has changed within myself for the better.

 

You just have to be ready to end it. When you're done you're done. It sounds impossible at the time. But looking back, it really is as easy as block and delete and never looking back.

 

Yup, that's what I did. Super easy!! Made a clean break, blocked, deleted, and set free. I guess it's kind of like how I approach drinking. I love drinking and having a great time, but then I think about how awful I'd feel the next day... So that alone stops me from going hard. Loose analogy, but I never get drunk anymore because I HATE feeling hungover. Just like how I'd hate feeling awful in an A despite feeling so great in those fleeting moments. Next!!!

[lemondrop21]

Yodel, I enjoyed reading your letters and a lot of what you wrote resonated with me. I think you're very strong. I'm like you in that sometimes I just HAVE to write, and I'm working on my own "end" letter now. I'm not sure yet if I'll even send it to him or just go NC and keep the letter for myself.

[ChancesAre24]

Yodel, your writing is beautiful but I'm going to be that cynical awful person who suggests it wasn't really love. Trust me I've been there. The passion, the longing. But then I was in a relationship that had passion, consistent support throughout anything I was going through and understanding even if it was him I was mad at, and no longing because I never had to long for him. He was ALWAYS there for me, physically there and emotionally there. I then realized tragic romances, as beautiful and mysterious as they are, are just not love. They're something in their own right and its taken me months and months to recover from some of them. But they are not love. Your partner who is your best, most supportive friend, that is love.

 

Oh my God! Thank you so much for posting this. I have been NC with a married muslim man that proposed to me before he left the country to work on his childrens citizenship in may and hasn't contacted me since. I need to see this so I can heal from this 7 year BS i have been involved in. I said yes! That is the most disturbing part to me. I was willing to compromise everything I believe in to have this man and I just can't understand why I was willing to do that and why I still cry over him. I have a wonderful career that Im doing great with , a 10 year old daughter who is my bff and a great and supportive and present family that lives 15 minutes from me so why did I allow myself to be emotionally, sexually and mentally out of this normal world and down the rabbit hole? Maybe because I felt that we were in love and that if I couldn't get over it it must be true love.

[yodelwithyu]

Yodel, I enjoyed reading your letters and a lot of what you wrote resonated with me. I think you're very strong. I'm like you in that sometimes I just HAVE to write, and I'm working on my own "end" letter now. I'm not sure yet if I'll even send it to him or just go NC and keep the letter for myself.

 

Thanks Lemondrop, I am glad to be here! As I said earlier, sometimes writing does actually make things clearer for me. Even now, I write out what I am feeling in letter or in message form and send it to an email address I created for this sole purpose. It help tremendously to say things and get them out of my system and out into the universe. You write, and write until nothing else comes out!! Then you can decide if you actually want to send it. Though, more often than not, our words don't really even matter to them.

Edited October 12, 2015 by yodelwithyu
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