Back with my Ex - Partners while we were apart?

[Christos]

That paragraph was pointless. It's almost as though you don't want others to be successful. This man is looking for advice, not scenarios. Maybe your ex is doing that with another man right now

 

I sure hope the OP will post the result of this RS after the inevitable break up.

 

Hey, it is MY OPINION. But most of the time i am right. Not my fault i am a realist and not a dreamer...

 

But, it was not pointless. In my opinion, he needs to understand his situation, understand that it is normal to feel this way, and stop being bothered by it. There is only one way to stop being bothered by it, not caring about her that much.

[mightycpa]

She seems to ask about it a lot more than me - not straight out asking but kinda implying or fishing inadvertently for information

OK, well, that's a sign. Maybe she wants to know, or maybe she wants to confess something before you find out on your own....maybe you were the depraved one. You should ask her straight up if trying to ignore it was a good or bad idea. Admit that it bothers you. See where that goes.

 

Otherwise, if you can't be 100% truthful with her, what do you really have?

[Christos]

She seems to ask about it a lot more than me - not straight out asking but kinda implying or fishing inadvertently for information

 

She doesn't really care. She just wants to make you show YOUR opinion on the subject, because, as a non-blind woman like some posters here, she knows that this is a deal breaker for you deep inside...

[Mr Robot]

OK, well, that's a sign. Maybe she wants to know, or maybe she wants to confess something before you find out on your own....maybe you were the depraved one. You should ask her straight up if trying to ignore it was a good or bad idea. Admit that it bothers you. See where that goes.

 

Otherwise, if you can't be 100% truthful with her, what do you really have?

 

But that's the thing - I HAVE slept around with others and been with other girls. After the acts I felt empty - like I regretted it and still pined for my ex

[thunder777]

its funny how if we have a crush on a girl who is seeing someone else, and you see them together doing what they do, and then suddenly when she becomes available you'd quite happily take her and be with her

 

but such as in this case, if the girl was previously yours, and shes been with that other guy its a whole reluctance issue, like "yeww, some other guys been touching her since we split"

 

i went through something similar and it doesnt quite ever leave you (those thoughts), but the bottom line is at the time you were not in a relationship together, she was single and had full rights to date who ever she likes. As too did you

 

prince harry for instance broke up with his chick 6 months ago, and now theyre back together. what have the 2 of them been up to with other flings in between

 

people need to get laid, so if its not with you its with someone else.

 

all you can do is look to the future, i guess

[mightycpa]

But that's the thing - I HAVE slept around with others and been with other girls. After the acts I felt empty - like I regretted it and still pined for my ex

Yeah, I get that part. But that's not what bothers you, which, as an aside, means that the regret was short-lived.

 

What I'm trying to say is that you need to be honest and deal with what bothers you. You can't get over your bad feelings if they're only based on your suspicions Like all other unpleasant things, a man has to deal with them openly to put it behind him.

 

I'll say it no more.

 

Good luck.

[Christos]

 

i went through something similar and it doesnt quite ever leave you (those thoughts), but the bottom line is at the time you were not in a relationship together, she was single and had full rights to date who ever she likes. As too did you

 

Why people always think it is about "rights". Sure, she had the right to do it. Hell, she had the right to cheat too, have sex while still in a relationship with him. Cheating is not illegal... She has the right to do with her body whatever pleases her.

 

That doesn't mean a man has to like this. That doesn't mean he can see her like before the fact. Some things, once done, open pandora's box. There is no return from this.

 

What many women fail to mention, mainly because they don't understand their own psychology, is that a woman who had had sex with other men after a break up, and a man takes her back, will be more likely to stray again. It doesn't matter if she was dumper or dumpee. And she will respect less the man who takes her back knowing she'd had sex with other men.

[Mr Robot]

Why people always think it is about "rights". Sure, she had the right to do it. Hell, she had the right to cheat too, have sex while still in a relationship with him. Cheating is not illegal... She has the right to do with her body whatever pleases her.

 

That doesn't mean a man has to like this. That doesn't mean he can see her like before the fact. Some things, once done, open pandora's box. There is no return from this.

 

What many women fail to mention, mainly because they don't understand their own psychology, is that a woman who had had sex with other men after a break up, and a man takes her back, will be more likely to stray again. It doesn't matter if she was dumper or dumpee. And she will respect less the man who takes her back knowing she'd had sex with other men.

 

But she never strayed in the first place?

[greenleaves54]

Christos has some good points. But surely it can't be the case that a reconciliation is 100% doomed if the woman has slept with other men during the break-up?

 

Say you two cleared the air completely. 100% honesty. Who slept with who, who kissed who. If my ex professed her undying love to me and told me how much she regretted breaking up and being with other guys I believe I would be able accept her mistakes and move on. In that case you would know everything that happened. There would be nothing left in the past to ponder on. Only the bright future ahead. How about that?

 

I doubt that just ignoring and "forgetting" about the things that happened during the break-up will work. It will be a constant source of doubt.

Edited October 6, 2015 by greenleaves54

[Christos]

But she never strayed in the first place?

 

Doesn't matter. It just doesn't. Not at your ages. It takes a big commitment from her to never stray. She doesn't have a reason to do this so young. She will stray, trust me on this.

 

Why?

 

Because it didn't have consequences, in her subconcious, you are ok with her doing other men...

 

She may not even be aware of this herself. Most probably she isn't. She will tell you that everything is alright.

 

Please, by all means, prove me wrong. I wish you the best, for her to be always faithful and die in old age hugged with you. Seriously.

 

But please, keep us up to date. Because some people need confirmation to see the truth...

[Meli22]

Of course not. After a break up, like my most recent one, i will remain "celibate" for a short period, mostly in order to heal. During that time, i will reach out to that woman, and will explain to her that the time is now, if i begin having sex with other women, it's over.

 

And it is. After i make the decision to move on, and get physical with another, i will NEVER get back to an ex. It is over for me.

 

I can't stand knowing a person i loved, broke up with me and had sex with other men, and then came back to me. I don't want her, they can have her, i prefer to find a new woman.

 

You women, care about the past women in the sense of "did he love her? did she give him STDs?, but you don't get much torment from it. Because, after all, he is now with you. So, you get validation from the fact that even though he had had sex with other women, he dumped them and came back to you. It is not the same, it is not a deal-breaking situation like men.

 

Sure, after far too many years, some men may not care. But this happens mostly because at that time, most unattached men are kinda desperate for a relationship too, and overlook many things. So they give the impression they don't care that much. They do, trust me. They just convince themselves not to.

 

PS: For example, based on ByMyself01's opinion, i am sure she is a woman.

 

Ok. I see your point. I don't necessarily agree with it but I understand what you mean. I don't mean to stereotype too much here but, sex to women is more emotional, whereas for men it is physical. The thought of my ex having sex with another woman makes me feel sick (also because towards the end he refused it from me so much and would barely look at me when we did do it).. So obviously the thought of him doing that with other women now and actually enjoying it really feels bad. From what I know, men can separate sex from love, whereas women (usually) link the two together. Of course there are women out there who can willingly sleep with people without any feelings but generally and biologically speaking, it's more of an emotional act to women than it is for men. I have heard of male friends of mine who have slept with girls that they haven't been attracted to and have had no feelings for whatsoever, but they still did because it was offered to them on a plate.

 

 

I think it all boils down to a persons personal view on sex. I know my ex will have slept with multiple women since we broke up, that's just how he is. I on the other hand haven't slept with anyone, because I'm not the kind to just offer myself to anyone. That's no reflection on my BU, sure I have dated guys. I just haven't met someone who I have wanted to sleep with yet. I think IF reconciliation were to happen (I don't want it, but say it did happen) the thought of him banging other girls whilst I had been celibate, would probably be an issue. The OP on the other says they have BOTH had partners, so they're in the same boat. I think that balance COULD make it easier to deal with, maybe.

Edited October 6, 2015 by Meli22

[Christos]

Meli22, let me ask you a question:

 

Say you meet a man you like. What would annoy you the most?

 

A) Knowing he'd had casual sex with 10+ women

 

B) Knowing he'd had sex with a single woman, but he loved her with all his heart and soul

 

Most men will mostly be bothered with A...

 

And the same principle applies more or less for Exs.

[Meli22]

Meli22, let me ask you a question:

 

Say you meet a man you like. What would annoy you the most?

 

A) Knowing he'd had casual sex with 10+ women

 

B) Knowing he met a single woman, but he loved her with all his heart and soul

 

Most men will mostly be bothered with A...

 

And the same principle applies more or less for Exs.

 

 

I think both are just as bad for me anyway! My ex gave me hell about my small past yet couldn't tell me the amount of women he'd been with because there were so many. I didn't like the thought of him having sex so willingly with so many people.

[Christos]

I think both are just as bad for me anyway! My ex gave me hell about my small past yet couldn't tell me the amount of women he'd been with because there were so many. I didn't like the thought of him having sex so willingly with so many people.

 

It didn't turn you off. It just annoyed you.

 

But what if he had that one single woman, he thought she was special, he thought of her from time to time, he wanted to marry her and settle down with her because he thought she was "the one"...

 

Hmmmm?

[Meli22]

It didn't turn you off. It just annoyed you.

 

But what if he had that one single woman, he thought she was special, he thought of her from time to time, he wanted to marry her and settle down with her because he thought she was "the one"...

 

Hmmmm?

 

If anyone on the planet knew their partner felt that about an ex, it would kill them. It's not the same as having sex with someone whilst separated, at all.

[Christos]

If anyone on the planet knew their partner felt that about an ex, it would kill them. It's not the same as having sex with someone whilst separated, at all.

 

No. A man would take this far easier than a woman. We kind of expect women to love us anyway. It's the promiscuity we don't want.

 

You think men would get killed by it, because you project your female type of thought.

 

Men care if a potential mate is promiscuous , FAR more than if she had loved someone in the past.

[Meli22]

No. A man would take this far easier than a woman. We kind of expect women to love us anyway. It's the promiscuity we don't want.

 

You think men would get killed by it, because you project your female type of thought.

 

Men care if a potential mate is promiscuous , FAR more than if she had loved someone in the past.

 

I misread and thought you said if they STILL felt like that about their ex. Not that they had in the past. My point still stands.. I know several successful reconciliations, even couples that broke up for a few years and are now married. All of these people have had sexual partners in between. So yes it can happen. Everyone is different and it all depends on how people view things and what they can/can't handle.

 

Also.. There is a difference between being promiscuous and sleeping with people because you have feelings for them. During separation, both of these could happen.

Edited October 6, 2015 by Meli22

[idoltree]

Short answer: Time passing and the strength of your new relationship are what makes it better.

 

Long answer:

 

I went through this. I reconciled with my ex in March after a breakup of 9 months (6-7 months of NC.) So we were getting back together around the time you were breaking up with your woman.

 

After he came back, I took it slow and was in control of how fast we got back together. We talked a great deal before I was comfortable with girlfriend/boyfriend or sleeping together. In the process of talking, it was so hard to hear he was with someone else for a short time while we were apart. It hurt even though I had dated someone. Logic, clearly, didn't apply to this situation.

 

While we were broken up, I always knew I still loved him and didn't get serious with the guy I was seeing while we were broken up.

 

My then-ex, on the other hand, jumped into a relationship with the first woman he met, and it flamed out as quickly as it began. We didn't talk about it, but I imagine as the dumper he needed to prove to himself that he made the right decision and could find another happy relationship quickly, and so he turned it into something more serious than it actually could be.

 

I've come to find out they had a weekend getaway and that she met his friends. Thinking about that really sucks. But as each "first" passes - our first trip since reconciling, hanging out with his friends and their comments about how happy he is - it all gets easier.

 

After reconciling, he wanted to talk about his experience as a way to fully explain to me how he came to understand that I was the only one for him. I didn't want to hear about it, since I think ignorance is bliss. He was with someone, it's over, he doesn't have feelings and they are not in contact, he still loves me and only me, and that's all I need to know. I don't even know her name, and I like it this way. I did ask him to tell me if he ever heard from her in the future, but other than that, it's case closed.

 

He asked about the guy I saw and whether we'd slept together, and I told him I didn't consider it his business. He was the one who made the decision that made me single and able to date others. I felt that if I wanted to know what he was up to, then, as the one who left, he should be an open book. But I didn't want to know. And he'd have preferred to be able to talk about it, but it's easier for me not to know. I just assume the worst, and then I work on getting over it. That way it can't hurt me.

 

And this works because I am the jealous type and he ... isn't. He was just asking about the guy I dated because he was curious. Hmph.

 

I did bring up the subject of safety, STD testing, and using condoms before we slept together. But I tried to view that the same I would talking to a new lover - what he did when I wasn't in his life isn't my business until it has the potential to impact my health.

 

We've been back together for 7 (8? So hard to keep track of the length of our relationship with the breakup in the middle!) months and I can say that in the past few months I've started to feel better about his activities. Once we'd been dating longer than his relationship with her, and we have had many happy months under our belt together, the threat of her massively lessened in my mind.

 

I hope this is helpful for you.

Edited October 6, 2015 by idoltree

[Meli22]

Short answer: Time passing and the strength of your new relationship are what makes it better.

 

Long answer:

 

I went through this. I reconciled with my ex in March after a breakup of 9 months (6-7 months of NC.) So we were getting back together around the time you were breaking up with your woman.

 

After he came back, I took it slow and was in control of how fast we got back together. We talked a great deal before I was comfortable with girlfriend/boyfriend or sleeping together. In the process of talking, it was so hard to hear he was with someone else for a short time while we were apart. It hurt even though I had dated someone. Logic, clearly, didn't apply to this situation.

 

While we were broken up, I always knew I still loved him and didn't get serious with the guy I was seeing while we were broken up.

 

My then-ex, on the other hand, jumped into a relationship with the first woman he met, and it flamed out as quickly as it began. We didn't talk about it, but I imagine as the dumper he needed to prove to himself that he made the right decision and could find another happy relationship quickly, and so he turned it into something more serious than it actually could be.

 

I've come to find out they had a weekend getaway and that she met his friends. Thinking about that really sucks. But as each "first" passes - our first trip since reconciling, hanging out with his friends and their comments about how happy he is - it all gets easier.

 

After reconciling, he wanted to talk about his experience as a way to fully explain to me how he came to understand that I was the only one for him. I didn't want to hear about it, since I think ignorance is bliss. He was with someone, it's over, he doesn't have feelings and they are not in contact, he still loves me and only me, and that's all I need to know. I don't even know her name, and I like it this way. I did ask him to tell me if he ever heard from her in the future, but other than that, it's case closed.

 

He asked about the guy I saw and whether we'd slept together, and I told him I didn't consider it his business. He was the one who made the decision that made me single and able to date others. I felt that if I wanted to know what he was up to, then, as the one who left, he should be an open book. But I didn't want to know. And he'd have preferred to be able to talk about it, but it's easier for me not to know. I just assume the worst, and then I work on getting over it. That way it can't hurt me.

 

And this works because I am the jealous type and he ... isn't. He was just asking about the guy I dated because he was curious. Hmph.

 

I did bring up the subject of safety, STD testing, and using condoms before we slept together. But I tried to view that the same I would talking to a new lover - what he did when I wasn't in his life isn't my business until it has the potential to impact my health.

 

We've been back together for 7 (8? So hard to keep track of the length of our relationship with the breakup in the middle!) months and I can say that in the past few months I've started to feel better about his activities. Once we'd been dating longer than his relationship with her, and we have had many happy months under our belt together, the threat of her massively lessened in my mind.

 

I hope this is helpful for you.

 

Very mature considering you call yoursel jealous I'd say you've handled this very well. Why did he break up with you if you don't mind me asking?

[thunder777]

She didnt cheat on u did she though? There was no her banging some 'whilst' they were together?

 

A single person can sleep with whoever they like

 

They were both single so they had sex with with whoever.

 

The OPs story im referring too

[Mr Robot]

She didnt cheat on u did she though? There was no her banging some 'whilst' they were together?

 

A single person can sleep with whoever they like

 

They were both single so they had sex with with whoever.

 

The OPs story im referring too

 

No cheating whatsoever

[Blanco]

If this relationship is truly going to last, both of you almost need to disregard not just what happened during the six months you were apart, but also a lot of the original relationship. In a lot of ways, you need to act as though this is a new relationship and not a continuation of the previous one, which FAILED. By learning from mistakes made during the original relationship, you give yourselves the chance at a genuinely fresh start.

 

So long as this girl didn't get an STD during your time apart, what happened in those six months is not relevant. Don't lose sight of the fact that regardless of what did happen, she came back to YOU in the end. Don't let jealousy fester and sabotage this second chance before it even gets off the ground.

[abroham]

In my mind that kind of thing would feel the same as if she cheated and would duck up my head.

 

You need to know who and how many dudes have ran through her in your absence, so you can make the decision to either try and get passed it or leave it.

 

If you don't you are gonna forever have the nightmares of another dude getting head off and rucking your wifey.

 

I would need to know in order to get passed it

 

Good luck brah

[lop98]

welcome to the hardest challenge after a breakup: getting back and dealing with the other people or whatever happened while being apart.

 

I know several people that went through this, myself included, and the relationships eventually ended for good... it's just way too hard, and resentment tends to keep on growing over time, communicating about it rarely leads to any good and not communicating (surprise) never leads anywhere, your pick!.

 

I realized that as happy as things became after getting back together, I was always watching my back... at least to a tiny degree but was still doing it, same for him, I just couldn't relax like in Part I lol, it's tiring... and feelings drown in that.

[Mr Robot]

If this relationship is truly going to last, both of you almost need to disregard not just what happened during the six months you were apart, but also a lot of the original relationship. In a lot of ways, you need to act as though this is a new relationship and not a continuation of the previous one, which FAILED. By learning from mistakes made during the original relationship, you give yourselves the chance at a genuinely fresh start.

 

So long as this girl didn't get an STD during your time apart, what happened in those six months is not relevant. Don't lose sight of the fact that regardless of what did happen, she came back to YOU in the end. Don't let jealousy fester and sabotage this second chance before it even gets off the ground.

 

Thanks for this

 

The most positive reply on here