StillHurtin Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 The part that upsets me the most about H's A is that he has been w/ another woman since we've met. He has been w/ someone else in this marriage and it sickens me. What is it going to be like when we celebrate or 25th, ,30th, 40th, and so on? I am going to be the one that has never been w/ another man (and don't care to be) but he has been w/ another woman. Knowing that he has touched, been touched, had sex with another woman in our time of M sickens me. I don't know if I can honestly get passed it. I don't think about it all the time, but on the rare times I think of it makes me so sad. And the way the OW is, she probably gets a kick out of knowing what my H is like in bed, seen him naked, knows what he does, likes in bed, (she was after him for several years, and yes, I know that for a fact, b/c she told me in so many words plus H told me she had been attracted to him when they first started working together). I wish she didn't know all this. Yes, my H has GF's in the past he has slept w/ but this is different, he slept w/ this woman during our M. Link to post Share on other sites
MiChick43 Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Have you tried talking to a counselor? Sometimes a little one on one really helps. I had to for several months after my ex left. I did not want him back but Ihad a lot to deal with . Mine was a very wierd situation, aka stalking, PI involvement.....just wierd. I can understand where you are coming from. I went for weeks not able to sleep. I had bad rushing thoughts going through my mind about every detail of his A. It is not easy to deal with, ever. Hugs. Michick Link to post Share on other sites
Author StillHurtin Posted May 20, 2005 Author Share Posted May 20, 2005 I wish we could afford couple counseling. H had a good job, w/ great insurance that that OW got him fired from and now he is making half as much money and we just don't have the funds. We barely have enough to make our rent, utilities, food, gas, ect. There is no way we can afford counseling, it sucks, big time. Our marriage is better than it was b4 the A but since he lost a good job b/c of it, we can't afford counseling. We both went to individual counseling during our separation (I got free counseling b/c I was a single mom). This has been a big struggle w/ us and we are both stressed and depressed about it. He has applied for another job making twice as much so it's just waiting for the call for an interview. I don't think about him being w/ another woman a lot, but when I do, it really hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
only1life Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Know the feeling. Wake up most mornings feeling the same way. But then, I try to make myself think that now those times are over, (I know they are) and I am the one with her, she chose to be with me, and I love being there with her, and I'm not going to let bad feelings from the past mess us up anymore than we already are, cause I am now where I choose to be! Not too great, I know, but it works for me, most of the time. You come up with something better, let me know. Take Care. Link to post Share on other sites
phillygirl63 Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 StillHurtin, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal, but with time, as long as you and your husband keep communication open and honest, you'll feel differently. You'll get past that part (sometimes, it'll rear it's ugly head up again, but it gets less and less). When my husband had the affair and I found out, I didn't want him to touch me for a long time. We didn't even sleep in the same bed for a few months afterwards. I was quite frankly repulsed. Then we went into therapy. We talked about everything and I told him where I was sexually with him. And I also told him that I never was quite fulfilled in the bedroom and he needed to improve! Boy, that was a little bit of an ego let-down for him but damnit it was truth! He certainly tried his best after that - once I was ready to let him touch me again. We have a great sex life now and the only thing I can really tell you is this: Your husband stayed with you and is fighting for your marriage because he loves you. He makes love to you. He just got laid by the other woman and you see where that got her! Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Originally posted by phillygirl63 *****StillHurtin, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal, but with time, as long as you and your husband keep communication open and honest, you'll feel differently. You'll get past that part (sometimes, it'll rear it's ugly head up again, but it gets less and less). When my husband had the affair and I found out, I didn't want him to touch me for a long time. We didn't even sleep in the same bed for a few months afterwards. I was quite frankly repulsed. Then we went into therapy. We talked about everything and I told him where I was sexually with him. And I also told him that I never was quite fulfilled in the bedroom and he needed to improve! Boy, that was a little bit of an ego let-down for him but damnit it was truth! He certainly tried his best after that - once I was ready to let him touch me again. We have a great sex life now and the only thing I can really tell you is this: Your husband stayed with you and is fighting for your marriage because he loves you. He makes love to you. He just got laid by the other woman and you see where that got her! **** When I found out about the A i wanted to make him see what he had given up for his OW. I felt degrated afterward and as the days and weeks passed, I just withdrew into myself and meditated on the A and what they had done and totally sunk into a depression about how worthless I was. I lost 20 pounds in about 2 weeks because of stress and depression until I woke up one day and said to myself that I was better than that. I got a lucky opportunity to confront the ex-OW and said my peace. Unfortunately, the OW thought it a perfect opportunity to start bothering my H at work, to which he plainly told her to leave him and his wife alone. I understand SH and the sexual side of the A and how it bothers her. The OW was just a piece, something new. Nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Hope your husband's learned his lesson about fishing from the company pier... Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 ****Originally posted by westernxer Hope your husband's learned his lesson about fishing from the company pier... **** I don't know what your meaning is, but I did hear my H once say something about the OW and the smell of tuna...???? ROTFL (sorry, gratifying crude humor there!) Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Company pier = where you work Link to post Share on other sites
Author StillHurtin Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 LMBO Shelly!!! Westernexer, my sfil told my H "Never get your honey where you make your money." I thought that one was funny also Link to post Share on other sites
MiChick43 Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 I can not imagine your H having any fondness for the OW, after getting him fired. I didnt read that when I first read this post. I wouldnt be too concerned about her. Im sure he realizes what a spiteful wench she is. Getting him fired when he has a family, thats nice. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Even if he's not at fault, sexual harrassment usually dictates that the guy will get screwed over. Must have been some bad blood between them... was there anything he could've done to change the outcome? Link to post Share on other sites
Author StillHurtin Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 MiChick, when H broke it off w/ her he said he wanted to continue to be friends w/ her. I told him no way! I told him if he wanted to continue the friendship then our M will not survive. I told him he either chooses her friendship or me, he couldn't have both. He said that he would get along w/ her for the sake of the job, but would stop all personal contacts w/ the OW. They worked together for almost 4 months b4 she got him fired. He never said anything really bad about her b4 she got him fired, but once she got him fired, he had all sorts of nasty things to say about her. Sometimes it was so bad that I had to tell him he was being way too harsh, and I haven't liked her for years, even b4 the A. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StillHurtin Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Even if he's not at fault, sexual harrassment usually dictates that the guy will get screwed over. Must have been some bad blood between them... was there anything he could've done to change the outcome? H had filed a lawsuit against the company. My family, his family, and friends told him it was a bunch of BS why he was fired and he should hire a lawyer, so he did, w/ the help of his mom. I went to one of the meetings w/ H and his lawyer said it seemed to him like it was horseplay, not sexual harrassment. H didn't get anything out of the lawsuit b/c he was or wasn't (can't remember) working under a contract. What happened was that H shared an office w/ two or three other guys. The OW came into their office (this was a few months after he broke it off w/ her and we were back together but still separated) Anyhow, the OW said some comment about H and he grabbed her around her waist and tickled her (no, he shouldn't of even been touching her and he realizes that now, a little too late though). Anyhow, she fell to the ground laughing and said it tickled. After she got up she immediately went to the HR Dept and filed a complaint against him. The next day the HR Dept called him in to talk about it. H admitted they had an A and this was probably her way of getting back at him for breaking it off w/ him. They fired him the next day. I think they both should of been fired, but nothing can be done about that now. He could of done something different, he could of not touched her. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Company pier = where you work Oh Ok! I feel really "duh". Please excuse me while I blush! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Originally posted by shellys-trying Oh Ok! I feel really "duh". Please excuse me while I blush! No problem. You'll learn things here that can't be learned elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Thanks for being understanding! Sometimes I need a helping hand and a patient explanation now and then. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 The only way I can think of to deal with it is to not think about it. it's done, we know what went on, there is no point now in recreating something that is over. When you think about it, immediately stop that thought and think about something nice instead. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
shellys-trying Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 I was joking with West about something he said that I didn't understand, a statement he made. It was quite funny really and I felt stupid cause I didn't get his meaning. My whole entire life doesn't revolve around bad things that have happened to me. I can laugh about stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
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