I need her to forgive me and move on.

[sosorrysosorry]

Me: Male, 30. Her: F, 29

 

I never thought of myself as someone who would cheat. I always despised men who did and felt bad for the women they were with.

 

After 4-5 years of being single (aside from a few short flings) I met the woman of my dreams, S. I never thought I would meet someone like S. I was so head over heals for her, and was completely shocked that she felt the same about me. This NEVER happens. I was given the gift of love and I felt so ready and excited for it.

 

We met while traveling in March and spent 3 weeks traveling together. S left and went home before I did - I still had two weeks traveling. She booked a ticket to visit me when I return home and said that she was saving her body for me, and I said "me too".

 

My mistake: Right before S and I got together, I met and hooked up with another girl (while traveling). After S left this other girl contacted me and I took the opportunity to hook up with her again. So in total I hooked up with the other girl once before I got together with S and once after. I never told her this. I left my travels and went back home and never thought about it again.

 

S and I continued to be in contact, we talked for hours everyday - she visited me and I visited her. We fell in love and truly feel we are meant to be with each other. We both feel like our chemistry is crazy and unique and special. This is very different than anything either of us have felt before and it just feels right. I moved to the same city as S in July.

 

In August, she found out about the other girl I hooked up with while traveling. I had lied about being with anyone else while I was traveling. I lied about the details of hooking up with the girl. I came out with the full truth little by little, and I kept telling her "that's the whole truth". Finally the whole truth did come out.

 

At the time I never viewed it as cheating - I didn't feel like I was in a relationship - but we agreed to "save our bodies for each other". I had full intention of that when I agreed to that. How selfish it was of me to hook up with someone else. I still can't believe it was me that did that. I feel like I've always been a good honest guy that any woman would be lucky to be with. I don't know how my morals got away with me. I don't know how I didn't think about how much this would hurt S (at the same time, I had been in so many short relationships, how was I to know for certain S wouldn't be a short relationship as well).

 

Now in october, S is still very hurt about what I did, and about the lie. I have told her again and again that I'm fully committed to her and I want to be with her and I don't think about anyone else. We could be having an amazing day, and something will make her think about it and the whole day will go to ****. I feel like I ruined the best gift that was ever given to me. I want to make her feel confident in me and the relationship. How can she forgive me and know that I am a good honest guy? I've done nothing but try to prove myself to her and am totally committed. I'm not talking or chatting to any other girls and she has full access to my phone.

 

How to rebuilt trust? How to prevent triggers that bring her back to that and ruin the day? How can I forgive myself for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. This would have been so much better if I didn't create this huge baggage. I didn't even realize what I was doing.. I was so caught up in single life..

[BlueIris]

1. How to rebuilt trust?

 

2. How to prevent triggers that bring her back to that and ruin the day?

 

3. How can I forgive myself for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. (

 

#2 first: You really can’t. You can’t control her feelings. She is hurt and sad. Turn it around: Would you be happier if she didn’t care? If you were in her position (imagine it), wouldn’t you feel the same way she does?

 

re. #1: Be steady and loving. Be patient. It takes more time to rebuild trust than to lose it. Frustrating but true.

 

#3: That’s the real problem, I bet. You don’t NEED HER to forgive you and move on, do you? You will live another day if she doesn’t. Also, being angry at ourselves if very often a turning point in how we act after, a great opportunity. Take that opportunity.

 

So have you decided this is ruined? Over? Done? Are you quitting?

 

You can do this. Keep at it.

[Nellygirl]

I had a similar thing happen to me. I was talking to this guy and things progressed and we started dating and were supposed to be exclusive. A year and a half later I found out that he was having sex with his ex wife off and on for the first nine months of our relationship. He wouldn't talk about it when I confronted him. Then after a couple days he was more open and said that once we moved in together he realized how much he really loved me. I told him I would forgive him. Deep down I didn't give a crap about why he would cheat on me. He was a huge liar and jerk for doing it.

 

With that said there are a few things you have to do if you want to be with her. #1 never talk to that girl again! #2 the relationship you had is dead. You have to rebuild the relationship and the trust. That means checking in more and doing as much as you can to show her how you feel about her. #3 Realize that giving up your privacy is the best thing right now to help gain her trust again. Be transparent and never lie to her.

[sosorrysosorry]

@Nellygirl - Are you still together / Were you able to get over it? I don't want to downplay my situation, but it was a one time hookup that occurred 3 weeks into when we started seeing each other romantically (we did not have sex, but was half way naked). I haven't talked to her since shortly after that incident (never talked to her after I returned home). I've been completely transparent, and things were good last month. The thing that seem worrisome right now is that at any moment in time we could be having a great day and it could turn to complete **** by something triggering these feelings for her again. It's like a monster hiding ready to ruin **** at any point in time. It will drive both of us crazy I fear.

[Buddhist]

How to rebuilt trust? How to prevent triggers that bring her back to that and ruin the day? How can I forgive myself for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me. This would have been so much better if I didn't create this huge baggage. I didn't even realize what I was doing.. I was so caught up in single life..

 

At this point you might want to switch off the histrionics. If you were so smitten with her you never would have hooked up with the other girl in the first place. As I was reading your OP I just cringed every time you said 'she's the best thing to ever happen to me blah, blah, blah'. You know why? Because it sounds like royal bull**** given your actions.

 

I'm pretty sure that's how your gf feels, that every word that comes out of your mouth is just bull****. The day gets ruined because she is suddenly reminded that she actually can't trust anything you say. There's no coming back from this, she will eventually move on, it will only be a matter of time before she realises that actually it's too big an effort to try and trust you.

[drifter777]

You might need her to forgive you but that doesn't mean a thing. All you can do is apologize and ask her to give you a chance to earn her trust and forgiveness. The rest is up to her.

 

You would be silly to pursue this relationship - you destroyed the trust so just end it.

Edited October 7, 2015 by drifter777

[smackie9]

I can see how you felt it was nothing, because at that time you didn't know at the time that your GF would end up being the love of your life. So you threw caution into the wind and agreed to "save your body" for her. The reality is you were not on the same page emotionally as she was when you said that. So now she has realized this, and it breaks her heart. She feels deceived, and I don't blame her. Now her love for you is being tested.

 

Back off and let her think about it. I agree it will be up to her to decide.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

The magnificent city called Rome wasn't built in a day,

I have a feeling rebuilding trust is going to be the same way.

[autumnnight]

Simply put, the fact that your post is titled "I need her to forgive me and move on" makes it plain you do not understand at all her feelings of betrayal.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, I'm actually torn on this because it's not like you were in a committed relationship with her when it happened.

 

I'm with Smackie9 - you were only 21 days into what WOULD become the 'love of your life' but how could you have known that back then?

 

I do think your expectations of her just forgiving and forgetting are way too simplistic and aren't going to happen. You're going to have to work very very hard to get her trust and respect back, and you don't do it by rugsweeping it and forgetting about it. But it can be done.

[dragon_fly_7]

It's going to take a while for her to trust you again if she were to get back with you. Given that this happened during a short time of dating; I doubt she's coming back since this is really the testing phase.

 

By saying ''I need her to forgive me and move on'' that's like you were deciding for her and not really taking into consideration her feelings at the moment. She's the only way that gets to decide that. Whether she forgives or not, the ball is in her court now. You don't have the chance anymore of knowing where the relationship is heading.

[sosorrysosorry]

I desperately want to believe things will be ok. It sucks that even if we were able to move past thing, there will always be a shadow on our relationship.

 

The pain is unbearable right now. I was given the gift of love after thinking I would never find it. We match on so many view and lifestyle choices, and we're insanely attracted to each other. How could I have been so careless. How could I have ruined this.

 

I want to roll up in a ball and die right now.