update, dating, needing to heal from past

[jakrbbt]

I posted a while ago about whether to enforce parenting plan. Before that, I posted about my nightmare marriage and nightmare divorce when my ex (who's low-functioning) shocked me by filing for sole custody.

 

I used to think I did not need to heal from any trauma--all I needed was to make sure my child would be ok.

 

I now think I have psychological "work" to do. But I am so busy!! I am a ful-time lawyer and single parent of 2.5-yr-old. LS has been essential to me in the past, such great perspectives.

 

Here's where I am now.

 

Ex started exercising a lot more of his parenting time about a month and a half ago. Right after he noticed or learned that I was seeing someone. Ex is not quite at 50%, but close. He also doesn't come over to my house as much, but he still does sometimes without warning.

 

Ex is still only working about 4 to 10 days per month. i have no idea how he scrapes by besides some mooching and not paying debts.

 

He is still maddeningly uncommunicative. As one example, he stubbornly refuses to discuss school options. I may have to just decide on a school on my own, he's pretty obstructionist about it. I think he likes creating uncertainty for me.

 

My lawyer thinks that without a doubt, someone told my ex to start using his parenting time or else I could file for a "status quo" order that would ask the court to modify the parenting-time to reflect what had been consistently happening for 90 days or so. My lawyer posits that ex is wanting to avoid having his child support reduced, or having to pay support.

 

I wouldn't want to modify the child support or even really the parenting time unless it was the only thing that made sense for our child. I don't think it would be too bad for my son if ex was sometimes able to see him 30%, sometimes 50% of the time. I am happy to pick up the slack. My real concern would be if ex disappeared for several months and then demanded to suddenly have our son half the time, that might be hard on the child.

 

But, ex doesn't think how I do. He is trying to protect his child support option and he's willing to even not work, if that keeps him from having to pay support. It doesn't dawn on him that I'm not going to ask for a child support change, I'm jsut wanting predictability and sanity for child and me.

 

I'm a little worried about what he is going to do if he can't manage 50% parenting, but he's too suspicious to let me step in where he can't. What will he do?

 

This is new too: I am seriously dating a new man. Well, not that new, as we dated over 10 years ago. We broke up when he moved away and I then attended law school. We kept in touch, kept a friendship. He is very responsible, kind, well-educated, stably employed, compatible with me, all the right things.

 

I am learning that I was pretty traumatized by ex and that it's irresponsible of me not to deal with the trauma. It's not all about his filing for sole custody and co-parenting issues. A lot of it is simply about how he treated me. I am no longer as fearful, and so I've transitioned into feeling the unfairness of our situation and worrying about it. I dislike thinking about ex. But I have to think about him often because of co-parenting turmoil. I dislike seeing him (though I don't show it).

 

He still stays in my spare room on Tues nights because our parenting plan says he gets our child "Wednesday mornings." No specified time. So when is he obligated to pick up child? Well, ex doesn't like waking early. I don't want our child woken up unnecessarily early. but I have to leave for work at 7:30. Ex may say (has said, in the past) that he does not have to be here at 7:30 and that I need to find a sitter until he's ready to come over. Or he might just be late and pretend it's a mistake every time.

 

So, to avoid all that, I let him stay over the night before his Wed morning pick-up. He used to hit on me et c, which was horrible, (and yes I told him to stop), but he no longer does.

 

I don't want him here overnight, I just don't like it. Even if my child has to wake early and might not get enough sleep (he's a little night owl no matter what I do), I am not as worried about that anymore. I am considering politely telling ex to just show up in the morning instead. Is that petty? It's not like I don't have a spare room. But I want my space and privacy.

 

Maybe I am in danger of focusing on what is fair/unfair rather than what is best for the child. But before, in trying to focus on the child, my lawyer says I went overboard and was "wiping [my ex's] a**." I didn't want my child's father to become a depressed street person. And I was afraid of him. So I bent over backward, thinking I could handle doing so.

 

I have to try to find that boundary where I'm not hurting my ex, but not wiping his fanny as my lawyer more crassly put it. Where I'm simply parenting and keeping my job and doing my best to make sure ex doesn't get in the way of that. That's not an easy boundary for me to see!

 

I might first have to deal with the psychological effects of the abuse. [The abuse includes but not limited to: Two years of making me sleep on a mattress on the floor while he took my bed, including when I was pregnant, making me and baby sleep in spare room while ex took the master bedroom with empty crib in it, leaving every day the second I got home and also leaving overnight several times in anger, leaving me unable to go to work next day yet unable to get day care because ex "objected to" day care, refusing to work at all or contribute to chores or parent, forbidding my mother (whom everyone likes) to visit our house or be at the birth, exploiting me during marriage and afterward, making me do all-night child care, plus child care every second I was not physically at or driving to the office, making me do all chores, plus be sole breadwinner, overseeing my chores, refusing to watch child while I did errands so baby and I did them all together, leaving most weekends, verbal abuse, taking baby from me while breastfeeding, filing sole custody, lying during divorce, threatening to "take" child from me because I left him, ugh, et c, et c. My sob story is in some other threads.]

 

But all of that was not because of me and will not have to ever happen again. If I can heal from it, I can more likely be a constructive parent. The little unfairnesses going on now, might not be a big deal. Maybe the unfairness bothers me because ex was so abusive in the past.

 

He does little things that i think are designed to let him stick around. Like, he told me he has no washer/dryer and asked to do laundry at my place. Since I already would have agreed to doing our son's laundry here, I said sure, throw yours in too. But he DOES have a washer/dryer! I found out from a friend (and then actually our 2-yr-old spontaneously mentioned it, of all things). Also he tells me his texts don't work. But sometimes they seem to. I can't trust him on that. So I have to either call him, or wait until he wants to get in touch with me, and then I always answer in case it's something to do with out son.

 

How to cut him out of my life as much as possible with as little drama as possible? It will be a little unpleasant if I simply announce, by email, that I'd rather he come over in the morning to pick up our child and only communicate by phone if it's an emergency or he wants to talk to our son. And then what about when he might be out of food or need a warm place to be with son? I don't want him to feel like he can't use my house for food/wamth/diapers if son needs that. But ex won't admit he's using it for those purposes, lest he become legally vulnerable. So I can't exactly tell him to only use my house if needed for food/shelter/clothes for son (and to email me first). He won't take me up on it and son will suffer. Or will he?

 

Any wise words on the necessity-- and efficacy-- of cutting ex out of my life more cleanly?

[Mr. Lucky]

Manipulative doesn't begin to describe him. He may be mentally ill.

 

Here's a crazy concept - why don't you trying living a normal life with comfortable boundaries?

 

I have a ton of divorced friends, both men and women, and I don't know of a single one who's ex stays over as a facilitation for transfer of parenting time. I also don't know of any offering ex spouses laundry services or supply refills. Your ex H doesn't hold up his end of the bargain because you don't force him to, always there to step in if he stumbles.

 

Be the best parent you can be in the time you have your son. Force your ex to do the same by telling him you have confidence in his abilities and faith in his commitment to your son. And then let him figure sh*t out.

 

Congrats on the new/old relationship. If you actually turn some energy and attention to it, might just get lucky...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

I'm afraid that if I tell him no more overnights, he'll stealth-retaliate.

 

I guess I could handle that. What could he do that is worse than sticking around?

 

Thanks, Mr. Lucky. You get to the point in few words. I could focus on new relationship instead of old. I didn't even think of it that way.

 

I'll tell him it's better if he comes over Wed mornings, rather than Tues nights. It's the right thing to do. New life, not old one.

[PegNosePete]

If I were your new man, and you were having your ex round for sleepovers, then I would be your ex as well. Totally unacceptable situation. You need to stand up for yourself.

[jakrbbt]

It occurs to me that dealing with ex is like dealing with a recalcitrant teenager, and I still have to be the grown-up.

 

You don't hesitate from doing reasonable things just because the teenager might object and sulk and retaliate. You don't implement the teenager's plan just because the teenager is difficult. You don't assume the teenager is helpless just because they're inactive. You don't let them hold you emotionally hostage. you don't question your own actions against the teen's selfish or ill-formed objections. And you don't expect or rely on their compliance and support.

 

But you recognize the teenager may flake out, throw a tantrum, write an abusive email with baseless objections to your completely defensible actions et c. And I guess you just say, "that was a drag, but I can't let it bother me."

 

My first test for this is that I'll be telling ex that I've enrolled our child in one day of daycare (on one of my parenting days). I am not getting my work done, and my mother is tapped out. Ex may try to object or get me to have him take the child ( and then maybe increase my support obligation to him while he opts not to work on that weekday). I'll ignore it. I think it's best for the child, though, if ex knows where he goes to day care. So I'll at least inform him. The day care has a school-like curriculum where son learns things and it's good that both parents know. But it's my decision alone, not like school where we both get to weigh in.

 

I'm also going to ask him not to stay over anymore. New boyfriend is aware of the situation and trusts me and understands why I agreed to it so far, given who I'm dealing with. But I know new guy will be very glad to hear I'm ending that arrangement.

Edited October 7, 2015 by jakrbbt

[BlueIris]

So, he’s doing almost 50% parenting time and not coming over to spend time at your place so much any more. That’s great. Stop monitoring him and wishing that he would be what you want. He isn’t a teenager and you’re not his mom. He can do it. I think it’s great to go to counseling. You also might want to check out co-dependents anonymous.

I'm glad to hear that things are improving so well.

[Mr. Lucky]

My first test for this is that I'll be telling ex that I've enrolled our child in one day of daycare (on one of my parenting days). I am not getting my work done, and my mother is tapped out. Ex may try to object or get me to have him take the child ( and then maybe increase my support obligation to him while he opts not to work on that weekday). I'll ignore it. I think it's best for the child, though, if ex knows where he goes to day care. So I'll at least inform him. The day care has a school-like curriculum where son learns things and it's good that both parents know. But it's my decision alone, not like school where we both get to weigh in.

 

Simply put, what you do with your son (within certain bounds) on your parenting time is none of your ex's beeswax.

 

He only has the power over you - and your life - that you give him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

So what do you with an unruly (or dangerous) teenager?

 

You set real, strong, unyielding boundaries and explain them to the teenager. Along with the consequences that will occur if they then choose to step over those boundaries.

 

And then you ENFORCE the boundaries if he does step over them. No emotion, no discussion, no blame. Just enact consequence. He will learn that there IS no negotiating around them or tearing them down.

 

The first thing I would do is line up an early morning babysitter for Wednesday mornings, who will also take your son to school/daycare if your ex is a no-show. Once you have that lined up, inform your ex that you can no longer allow him to stay at your house (your boundary). That he's welcome to pick son up - IF he gets there before you leave at Xam (include the time it will take you to take son to the babysitter). If he's not there at Xam, you're simply leaving and dropping son off (your consequence).

 

Brook NO conversation over it. You don't have to explain yourself to him.

 

Work on that for now until it's the new rule.

 

And try to remember that this evil man sleeping in YOUR home after what he's done is like making a rape victim eat dinner with her rapist - over and over and over. On some level, it's creating something akin to PTSD in you, continuous PTSD every time he sleeps over and you cave your morals a little more.

 

btw, what YOU do with your son on YOUR days is none of his business. Of course you enroll him in daycare. I would check with your lawyer, though, about whether he is allowed to take your son OUT of that daycare on your days. I suspect he's not, but check. Either way, inform the day care to contact you immediately if he shows up.

Edited October 7, 2015 by turnera

[jakrbbt]

Shouldn't I at least inform ex that son attends part-time day care? Or is it not unreasonable to just do it and keep it to myself ( like the details of his home life here)? He might not have a legal say in the decision, but treating it as none of his business-- that is, keeping him in the dark about it-- does that work out ok for the child? I don't know many divorced parents and even fewer with 50-50 time with young children.

[Mr. Lucky]

Your son will learn he has a life with you and a life with his dad, this will become his norm.

 

I used a "honesty/need to know approach" with my ex. Didn't tell her in advance, didn't lie about it afterwards. I also never told my son "don't tell mom". I just lived my life as the best dad I could be, sometimes we agreed, sometimes we didn't. It all worked out as will your situation. Let it happen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

Legally? I don't know.

 

Logistically? Who cares? If he were a safe person, I'd be sharing every moment of my life and our son's life with him.

 

But he's not.

 

I would share only what I am forced to; it's not like you enrolled him in baseball and he's missing all the baseball games.

 

Maybe, down the road, once he's fully entrenched in the daycare, I'd say 'son is really enjoying the daycare I put him in.' But only after I'd made sure with my lawyer that he didn't have the right to take him out of it.

[jakrbbt]

Now he has told me that his car broke down. He was able to get the car to a shop, but has no car for a week. In the meantime he has our son for the next few days.

 

He has enough food and other supplies at home, he says. Son is running around happy and (on phone in background) sang me a song about a chicken.

 

Ex has no way to get to his second part-time job 2 hours away. He isn't schedule to work, but says he can't pay bills if he can't get a shift lined up. He is trying to see who can loan a car. I have a car, but I need it to get to work (an hour away) et cetera.

 

Hard not to loan him money for a car rental. But I did not.

 

I told him, anything you need for son's care, let me know. But otherwise, a polite good luck. He may be miserable at home, stuck with toddler and nowhere to go, but he won't abuse toddler or take it out on him. Maybe distracted and impatient, but kids can handle that.

 

I have to give my son more credit. He'll be fine. His dad can be miserable and struggling and toddler will be singing the chicken song. He has me half the week, and me to take care of him when needed.

 

Very difficult not to sit here and worry about how they'll get by for the next few days with no transportation. How ex will make rent.

 

This is me separating myself from ex . . .

[PegNosePete]

I told him, anything you need for son's care, let me know. But otherwise, a polite good luck.

A polite good luck? If it were me, he'd get a very impolite F off!

 

You clearly suffer fools much more graciously than I do!

[turnera]

Yeah, kids have suffered much worse than that. He'll be fine, as long as your ex isn't drinking or doing drugs.

 

When I grew up, we spent many weeks eating nothing but rice or pasta and an occasional can of soup. My H used to go along the railroad tracks scooping up rice that had fallen out of trains, so his mom would have enough to make dinner. Hell, think of the concentration camp survivors!

 

Maybe this will give your ex some incentive to make something of himself.

[jakrbbt]

Here's what I'm taking away:

 

I can't help ex. It's too crazy-making and gets in the way of my ever having a normal happy life. Ex certainly needs help frequently, with little things, with things related to our son. BUT, it's not actually best for our son that I keep fretting/bailing ex out. He's unforthcoming, manipulative, worrying, unpredictable. I have to let him fend for himself.

 

If he can't fend for himself and it's to the point where child suffers, then I intervene ( by filing for modification in parenting time if needed). Until then, strict no-worrying and no bailing ex out, because that has not been working for me. That includes no ex in the house. His apartment is good enough for a toddler. If he really doesn't have enough food or warmth, I'll know, because my son will show signs. Short of that, I treat him like every other normal ex treats their ex-- we don't have a relationship and we don't live together even a little.

[turnera]

Exactly. He's not your friend, he's a bad person, and your only connection is to ensure he doesn't harm your son.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't help ex. It's too crazy-making and gets in the way of my ever having a normal happy life. Ex certainly needs help frequently, with little things, with things related to our son. BUT, it's not actually best for our son that I keep fretting/bailing ex out. He's unforthcoming, manipulative, worrying, unpredictable. I have to let him fend for himself.

 

You'll also have to realize many of these situations are dramatic constructs by your ex specifically designed to keep you close and co-dependent.

 

Glad to hear you're making this healthy adjustment ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

I want so badly to call and check on my son (and the situation) right now. So I am leaning on this site to take the place of willpower at this stage! Thank you! I know calling would just lead to more woruries, more of the same.

 

Every time I do the son-ex worry thing, I'll try an exercise where I think of a positive plan for my son's future that I can implement, or positive observation about my son thriving. Our life is good!

 

My mom thinks ex will fade away once it's clear he's not getting to me or making me worry and hover.

 

How long until I actually stop worrying? If I draw the boundaries that is. How many days or weeks? Will it get better each week? An end in sight helps. Right now I feel a little sick not knowing whether they have transportation or how they're doing.

[turnera]

Well, to be fair, you won't stop worrying about your son until you're old and gray, lol.

 

Just do what you can. Deep breaths. Maybe some yoga.

[jakrbbt]

Ex just called me and said he is at my house with our son. I drove to the gym from work. I have to have a conversation or email where I tell ex: I I invited you in the beginning of our divorce to use my house if you needed, but now I need my space and so I need you to not use my house in your parenting days.

 

I wonder if it's weird for my son to be there and I'm not there. He should know daddy and mommy live in different housses and today is his daddy time.

 

I didn't tell my ex this time, in the phone, because I've created this mess by basically inviting him in the past to use my house whenever he needed for parenting. So I have to tell him the invitation's expiring.

[turnera]

Yes. Now's the time.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ex just called me and said he is at my house with our son.

 

Your ex has a key to your house? Boundaries jakrbbt, boundaries...

 

Mr. Lucky

[health]

How long after the split from your ex before you started dating the new guy? Ypur ex could be acting out cause he got hurt/ scared upon finding out. Ask yourself if you need a relationship now. Yes, it could be healing but also damaging if you're not careful. I'd focus on your kid and getting the separation cleared out. Then maybe date a brand new guy, not someone from the past. Something new and fresh - when you're ready.

[starglider]

Hi Jakrbbt,

 

Sorry you are having this stress now. I agree with the earlier poster that you may want to consider attending codependents anonymous meetings (CODA). One of the recovery patterns they site goes like this:

 

"Codependents often believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves. In recovery I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults arecapable of managing their own lives."

 

This is a hard one for me too as my (separated) husband is also low-functioning, as you know. But going to meetings and reading about boundaries and other CODA footholds has been so helpful.

 

My husband is much higher functioning as a result of my own recovery work in CODA. Here is a link to some literature.

 

Good luck!

 

http://coda.org/default/assets/File/Foundational%20Documents/2011%20Patterns%20of%20Recovery%20%202015.pdf

[BetrayedH]

I would consider seeing your atty about specific drop-off and pick-up times. The lack of them in your agreement was a mistake and is what has led to this problem of him staying over. The agreement should also state if it is a drop-off or pick-up scenario. With my ex, it's always a drop-off in the driveway of the receiving parent and the day starts at 830am. When the kids are in school, the drop-off is with the school instead and the receiving parent just picks up from school. Pain in the arse to revisit with attorneys? Yep, but you've got a lot of years to deal with this dude and he's not trustworthy.

 

I think part of the challenge here is that you're trying to avoid the drama of putting your boundaries in place. I think you're just going to have to accept that there's going to be drama until the boundaries are in place.

 

By the way, I think your anxiety will reduce as your son ages. Then you'll be able to call, text, etc even on your ex's days.