update, dating, needing to heal from past

[jakrbbt]

I still worry about ex in kind of a sickening way. But I've been refraining from asking him what he needs or texting unnecessary "updates" about our toddler.

 

I noticed that usually the "woe-is-me" statements by my ex, always preceded big manipulation and abuse in the past. He thinks that people with jobs are just "more fortunate" than he is and that it's not fair. And then in my case, he tries to do something about the perceived unfairness by taking my resources and assets.

 

Anyway the "woe is me" stuff makes me nervous. But I don't actually believe he will truly abuse, or truly badly neglect, our son. I am starting to think he can no longer do anything that harmful to me.

 

Here is what a friend told me:

 

"[Ex] is being hung out to dry. You hung him out to dry, and now he's on his own. He abused you, and he lost the right to have any relevancy in your life. And now his only duty and obligation is toward his son. If he doesn't take care of that duty, then you can. Maybe by going back to court if you have to. But you do not have to do it by maintaining a connection to [ex]."

 

That helps me a lot.

 

I now can not STAND dealing with ex. It makes me feel a little ill. It still makes me "feel" like he will mildly harm our son, psychologically. If I just stop dealing at ALL with him for a while-- except for pick-up an drop-off and basic issues-- kind of like a "No-contact" rule-- then maybe I'll stop fretting so much. I'll send emails or the occasional text about pick-up times. I'll send an email saying that I assume the Wed pickups are 7:45 and that he should email me in advance if he ever disagrees. (Then if he unreasonably changes it, I can get the times specified in court.)

 

But next month I'm going to Italy for 4 days and I wonder whether it's reasonable to offer my car and home for him to use ONLY if there is an emergency (e.g. his utilities got turned off). I feel uneasy being so far away and unable to step in if my ex, who is one step away from homelessness, encounters some problem while with my toddler. Then when I'm back in the country, I'd offer to take our son (rather than offer money or my place) if ex can't provide stuff like heat, food, diapers. But while I'm out of the country I can't offer to step in.

 

Is it reasonable to offer my place in that case? In the past I'd have done it casually, verbally, like a friendly offer even if he doesn't strictly need it. Now, I think I'll send an email specifying that he can use car/house IF there's an emergency need for them for our son.

[jakrbbt]

 

And try to remember that this evil man sleeping in YOUR home after what he's done is like making a rape victim eat dinner with her rapist - over and over and over. On some level, it's creating something akin to PTSD in you, continuous PTSD every time he sleeps over and you cave your morals a little more.

 

 

Yes-- I have been telling myself that I'm not affected in that way because as long as my son is alright, everything's fine. But you are right. It really is like that. Thank you for pointing it out. That paragraph is a huge reason there will not even be one more overnight.

[PegNosePete]

But next month I'm going to Italy for 4 days and I wonder whether it's reasonable to offer my car and home for him to use

WTF? Hell no. Tell him to stand on his own 2 feet. Change the locks to your place, and tell him if he enters then you will have him arrested for trespassing.

[jakrbbt]

WTF? Hell no. Tell him to stand on his own 2 feet. Change the locks to your place, and tell him if he enters then you will have him arrested for trespassing.

 

What I maybe didn't make clear is that he'll have our toddler that whole time.

[PegNosePete]

What I maybe didn't make clear is that he'll have our toddler that whole time.

Yes, you made that perfectly clear.

[turnera]

I can almost promise you that your son will be fine. Either by him or by someone else involved.

 

Stop propping him up.

[Mr. Lucky]

What I maybe didn't make clear is that he'll have our toddler that whole time.

 

There's a difference between supporting and enabling.

 

Supporting is helping someone under circumstances when and where they truly can't help themselves.

 

Enabling is, for your own reasons, doing for others that which they're capable of doing for themselves.

 

As a functioning adult/parent, is it a reasonable expectation that your ex be able to care for his son for 4 days?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

But if my plan is to strictly step in (instead of help him) when ex can't take care of our toddler, then I should not leave the country. Because while I am out of the country, I can't step in. I'll be a full day's travel away. Ex's family all moved away suddenly this summer, and I don't want my son going without heat/food while I'm gone.

 

Ex has verbalized that he has no idea how he's going to pay his rent and utilities. I feel irresponsible leaving the country when someone who's barely not homeless, and maybe can't afford food, is with my young child.

 

I do like the plan of stepping in and having son myself if ex cannot take care of him. 'for the long run, I'll tell ex that I am happy to take our son if he needs on some of his days-- BUT, that I can't do it at the last minute, it must be planned and agreed and routine. So it would have to be something like "every (ex's) Saturday plus every other (ex's) Friday for two months" or similar. Ex has told me that he'd rather just "take everything day by day." That's not best for toddler's stability. Ex can't take things "day by day" if I stop letting him rely on me last-minute. Then, he either has to provide routine, predictable care for toddler, or let me provide it. Before, I was stepping in at last minute and hovering and actually helping precipitate the lack of stability.

 

Maybe 4 days is not anything to worry about. If it's really an emergency, he'll at least call my parents. Or maybe a friend in town. It may be he has available friends he's not even mentioning to me.

[beach]

Jak,

 

Have you had the locks changed on your place?

 

 

Notice that he only works 4-10 days a month yet YOU were worried he didn't have his car while it was in the shop... These are not YOUR worries!

 

Set a schedule for your child. Base that schedule on the court order. If he doesn't abide by that order then have the order changed based on EVIDENCE that he doesn't abide by that order.

 

 

You are tying to control everything. Let him figure out his part and you ONLY figure out YOUR part.

 

Your posts show such extreme codependency and a need to control - very unhealthy. So much so that you forfeit your healthy boundary and allow him to come over and even stay overnight!

 

Work from home on Wed. No need to tell him. No need to answer any of his questions.

 

Stop fixing things for him! That's for him to handle.

 

Get counseling. You've been playing this game with him for a long time. He doesn't worry about his needs being met because he knows you worry for him and yourself.

 

Your standard answer to him ought to be = that's not MY problem - how do YOU intend to handle that for yourself?

 

We all know he is a lazy guy. He barely works but finds others to mooch off of. He's 'resourceful' and will always find new and willing victims.

 

He's the perpetrator. HOW do YOU plan to break free of controlling him (and allowing him to control you) when he's made you his victim?

 

That's the important question. What's your answer?

Edited October 20, 2015 by beach

[BetrayedH]

But if my plan is to strictly step in (instead of help him) when ex can't take care of our toddler, then I should not leave the country. Because while I am out of the country, I can't step in. I'll be a full day's travel away. Ex's family all moved away suddenly this summer, and I don't want my son going without heat/food while I'm gone.

 

Ex has verbalized that he has no idea how he's going to pay his rent and utilities. I feel irresponsible leaving the country when someone who's barely not homeless, and maybe can't afford food, is with my young child.

 

I do like the plan of stepping in and having son myself if ex cannot take care of him. 'for the long run, I'll tell ex that I am happy to take our son if he needs on some of his days-- BUT, that I can't do it at the last minute, it must be planned and agreed and routine. So it would have to be something like "every (ex's) Saturday plus every other (ex's) Friday for two months" or similar. Ex has told me that he'd rather just "take everything day by day." That's not best for toddler's stability. Ex can't take things "day by day" if I stop letting him rely on me last-minute. Then, he either has to provide routine, predictable care for toddler, or let me provide it. Before, I was stepping in at last minute and hovering and actually helping precipitate the lack of stability.

 

Maybe 4 days is not anything to worry about. If it's really an emergency, he'll at least call my parents. Or maybe a friend in town. It may be he has available friends he's not even mentioning to me.

 

I think having a back-up plan is better than extending him a pre-approved get-out-of-jail-free card. I wouldn't share with him. If your parents are in town, maybe leave a key with them. But I'd be reactive about it rather than telling him up front. Do what you can to be available by phone or text for emergencies. I always communicate with my ex about how to reach me during travel. My ex does the same. My ex is more responsible than yours but this summer I allowed her to take the kids for three weeks to Italy. I had similar anxiety about not being able to assist in an emergency but it all ended up fine.

[PegNosePete]

Ex has verbalized that he has no idea how he's going to pay his rent and utilities. I feel irresponsible leaving the country when someone who's barely not homeless, and maybe can't afford food, is with my young child.

Then you need to apply for full custody.

 

If he can't provide a suitable home then it is in the child's interests to live full-time with you.

[jakrbbt]

Three more things happened. The first where I helped my ex, the second where I tried to jump in for my son, the third where I left them both alone and declined to help. I felt bad after all three.

 

The first thing (late-night diaper call): Ex called me a little past 9:00 p.m. to say he was out of diapers. Now, ex lives about 2 blocks from a grocery store and he has a working car again. Son was not yet in bed. But what did I do? I said I'd bring him some diapers after son was asleep (so as not to induce confusion and "Mommy, mommy" tears before bedtime). Yes, I think it was a mistake, even if ex truly lacked money for diapers.

 

When I brought the diapers, ex told me that he was doing better than he thought because, even though not really working, he was able to sell odds and ends for $100 or $200 here and there.

 

He asked whether I wanted to take my son next day (his day) for visit to my family (toddler cousin visiting). I said I couldn't, I had some appointments, but I planned to take him the following day (my day).

 

I told him I'd be in touch about potty training so we could be on the same page. He said we couldn't agree on much, but he "expected" me to agree that we were "very good friends." It's hard to explain, but it was threatening and manipulative.

 

I said that there was no ill will on my end. That offended him. Then I said that, even if we were not good friends, I hoped we could still communicate about the few custodial matters (like school) that we needed to. He got very angry and basically said that he wouldn't discuss those things if I wasn't his "very good friend." I left feeling worried.

 

Second incident (family day promise): Very next morning I got a voice mail from ex. It was a recording of him asking my son:

"[son], do you want to go see [young cousin] today??!!??"

Son saying "YEAH!"

Then ex: "Well, we'll see what we can do about that, when mommy calls us back."

 

So I called. I said I didn't appreciate him making promises for me to son that he knew I could not honor. (Recall that the night before, I told him I couldn't take son to family's.) He denied doing so. I reminded him that I had some appointments. Then I said, "But you can take him, you know you're more than welcome there." He said, "I don't want to take him."

 

Ex then turned to son and told him: "I guess Mommy has some appointments. So you can't go see [cousin]."

 

So what did I do? Yeah, I cancelled my appointment and took son to see his cousin. Son ended up staying overnight with me-- next day was to be my day with him anyway. And I did have a good time.

 

Then I went to see the family therapist I'd seen during the separation.

 

She said: "[Ex]'s actions are all about getting his needs met through manipulating you." Needs for respect, companionship, financial needs, childcare needs.

 

She also said, "You have to let him either succeed or fail as 50% parent. He cannot either succeed or fail if you keep stepping in."

 

Then came Third incident: Ex called last night at 5:00 saying he'd scheduled a hair appointment for 7:45 and could I watch son. I work an hour away. I told him it was short notice and I didn't exactly say no, but I asked him to please check with another person first. The other person said yes. But ex didn't tell me that, until I texted him to check up on it.

 

I felt weird passing up a chance to be with my son, but I think I did the right thing. Except that I should have said no, less equivocally.

 

Next thing I've done, is made sure I don't ever have to rely on ex for anything. For instance, I put my son in full-time day care for both weekdays that I have him, not just one. It gouges financially, but now I can get work done and never have to "trade" a day should I get scheduled for a court appearance.

 

I organized my day care needs. I lined up my mother to come at 6 in the morning the day I leave for Italy. Ex can still come get son at the usual time-- 7:45 or 8. But I won't ask him to come early. Same for a couple other unusual childcare needs. Even if only for an hour, I've lined up someone else, rather than adjust the plan with ex.

 

I realize I actually have no need to keep a good rapport with him, so when he acts upset, I don't have to let it bother me. I have no reason to have to rely on his goodwill for anything.

 

Either one of us could try to go to court to get the custody agreement modified, (or just child support award), in future, and that makes me feel like I'm in a constant custody battle. But I don't think he'd be successful, if all he's doing is exercising his parenting time. And I am a very solid, very good parent.

 

My plan is to let ex fail or succeed, so that son and I can have regularity and predictability. If ex can't do the 50%, I can take it on officially. The only alternative to him succeed-or-failing, is all this manipulation and weirdness.

 

I still feel very uncomfortable most the time. I guess I'll try to re-wire my brain. It must be wired for fear.

 

I leave for Italy in less than 2 weeks, and other things are going well. Son is thriving.

Edited October 30, 2015 by jakrbbt

[jakrbbt]

Then you need to apply for full custody.

 

If he can't provide a suitable home then it is in the child's interests to live full-time with you.

 

Yes, I need to stop hedging. This fits with the plan where I let ex either succeed or fail. Either I have to step in for child's basic wellbeing, or I stay out of it. I think that's correct, but it's uncomfortable at this point.

[PegNosePete]

Ex called me a little past 9:00 p.m. to say he was out of diapers. Now, ex lives about 2 blocks from a grocery store and he has a working car again. Son was not yet in bed. But what did I do?

Let me guess - you hung up on him without saying a word?

 

That's what you should have done.

[turnera]

You're getting there, and yes, you are programmed to react from fear. Keep asking yourself 'what's the worst that can happen?' He has a baby who's leaking poop all over his place because he didn't bother to see if he had enough diapers. Or the baby cries for a couple hours. He'll figure out soon enough you're done rescuing him, when HE starts feeling the inconveniences his own dumb actions elicit.

[Mr. Lucky]

Y Keep asking yourself 'what's the worst that can happen?' He has a baby who's leaking poop all over his place because he didn't bother to see if he had enough diapers. Or the baby cries for a couple hours. He'll figure out soon enough you're done rescuing him, when HE starts feeling the inconveniences his own dumb actions elicit.

 

Raised 4 kids and, given the motivation nature provides, don't ever recall running out of diapers. jakrbbt, like everything else he does, this wasn't an accident. Most exes, regardless of how manipulative, get tired of the games if they elicit no responses...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Ah, thanks so much for all the comments!! I go back and read them. I've got some questions in bold . . .

 

I've been to that counselor. Ex has texted me much less. He asked me to kind of let him slide under the health-care-coverage radar by not reporting our divorce, and I said no, get your own insurance because I can't risk committing health-care fraud. I'm so tempted to just sign him up for our state's free (to him) health care, but I won't. Should i even tell him how easy it is and remind him to do it?

 

Perspective from counselor: Counselor says that my fears (ex filing for custody and trying to deceive court to get it, ex suddenly exercising his parenting-time with son when can't afford to care for him, ex retaliating if I don't do what's expected of me)-- yeah, those fears, are based on the past, not on any actual present threat. She thinks that I must heal (and am healing) from past relationship with ex, which was extraordinarily controlling and pretty abusive. She says that my fears can be problematic in that they are influencing my decisions (like, the time I brought diapers to ex late at night instead of doing my cases and getting enough sleep).

 

New boyfriend (who's also an old friend) posits that I am more bothered by my past relationship now, in part because I am now strong enough to handle thinking about it. It's just a sign that I still need to heal, and can do it. So I should spend time healing from that, and not keep throwing all my energy into some imaginary custody battle that is not in fact ongoing.

 

In that case, how does one heal from past abuse when it's causing present fear and the person who did the abuse is still in one's life?

 

Is my son likely to be just fine even if ex can barely afford food? How crappy/cheap can the food get, and the toddler still thrive? I want to banish the fears, and leave ex and son to their own time without worrying about them.

 

School:I am looking into preschool. I want my son in a high-quality school with one stable group of good kids for years and small student-teacher ratio. That means private school. That means I'll pay, not ex (ex can't really afford any contribution). I'm fine with that, but I don't want ex objecting to school.

 

He isn't likely to disagree with my school choice per se. But I think he'll want me to pay for school for full-time, 5-day. Not just part-time, the two week-days that I have our son. Because ex will want our son in school on his (ex's) parenting-weekdays as well. Ex can't afford child care at all.

 

I can afford: Mondays/Tuesdays preschool (the days I have son) plus after-care.

 

Or I can kind of, barely, afford a 3-day-per-week school. If I do that, son will be in school one of the days his dad has him. It won't give ex enough time to work on that day, because school (without after-care) is only 4 hours. But it will get ex involved in that part of son's life. It runs me extra $150/month for that one extra day.

 

Counselor said not to do that. She said, if I like the school, just put son in for my 2 days, and let ex know I'm doing that. She says to tell him, since it's school, I'll need him to sign the enrollment papers as well (joint custody, both our decision legally). If ex wants son in school more days, then he (ex) can pay that extra cost. After all, we each agreed in divorce order to pay for our own child care.

 

Her theory is that ex is not likely to take son to school in the morning anyway, if he's not paying for it. He won't be invested in it. I don't know if that's true, but the other part is that I really do save money with the 2 versus 3 days. BUT, I like the idea of son being in school part of (say) Thursday, when he'd otherwise just be knocking around with his dad. Is it worth the extra $150? It feels like it is. But is that just me enabling my ex?

The negative that I see is, it allows for more dependence on ex to do stuff. I pay for extra school day, so then I have to wonder whether ex is actually bringing kid to school. And if he misses days, then I don't like that, or I worry, or my money is wasted.

 

Lastly, I hate the thought that my son is with me so seldom. Especially now that I have him in daycare and looking into preschool-- though he really was showing that he's more than ready for those things. Will my son still benefit from the strong presence of daddy in his life provided that daddy is not abusive or negligent-- even if mine is the far more stable household? That was my original theory in trying for joint custody and 50/50 instead of sole custody and 70/30, which I'd have personally preferred. Did I do the right thing?

[BetrayedH]

Your counselor sounds like she's given you decent advice about boundaries. Good.

 

I would absolutely NOT fund that third day of pre-school.

 

I would continue the track of allowing him to either succeed or fail on his own. I would absolutely document every single occassion where he cannot handle basic issues (like his parenting time or diapers). I would also save that voicemail. Judges do not favor parents that denigrate the other parent in front of the child and that was a blatant example.

 

I think it was wise to decline to commit fraud to give him health care coverage. I think it would be kind to inform him about your state's free health care as an alternative. No reminders.

 

And tell him to go pound sand when it comes to being friends. Friends aren't manipulative leeches. If he cannot reasonably coparent without that precondition, take it back to court. Personally, I think that's inevitable and, meant gently, the interim is self-torture. Build a case.

[turnera]

The most important thing is to take care of YOU, so that you can always be there for your son. Remember, put your oxygen mask on first, then your son's. It will all work out.

 

You have a notebook, right? One that you use to document everything that happens regarding your son and stbx? It may prove useful if you ever end up in court about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Your counselor sounds like she's given you decent advice about boundaries. Good.

 

I would absolutely NOT fund that third day of pre-school.

 

I would continue the track of allowing him to either succeed or fail on his own. I would absolutely document every single occassion where he cannot handle basic issues (like his parenting time or diapers). I would also save that voicemail. Judges do not favor parents that denigrate the other parent in front of the child and that was a blatant example.

 

I think it was wise to decline to commit fraud to give him health care coverage. I think it would be kind to inform him about your state's free health care as an alternative. No reminders.

 

And tell him to go pound sand when it comes to being friends. Friends aren't manipulative leeches. If he cannot reasonably coparent without that precondition, take it back to court. Personally, I think that's inevitable and, meant gently, the interim is self-torture. Build a case.

 

Agree with all of this. And jakrbbt, like the rest of us with toddlers, you'll get the answers to the effect and impact of your decisions in twenty years or do .

 

You need to get to a place where what you're doing works for you. For you to be there for your son, you need health, satisfaction and happiness. If you're miserable ( see ex for reference ), your son will be neither happy nor well-cared for. Stay strong and be good to both your self and son, that's your sole, exclusive and singular focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Okay. It's not that easy to focus on myself rather than ex or small child. But I want what's best for everyone. Maybe ex can take care of himself. Personally, I'd be overwhelmed if I had to get back into employment/health care/ financial stability/ living situation/ huge debt while suddenly half-time parent of small child. But he's not me. More to the point, his situation is not any of my business as long as it doesn't impact our son (I've been worrying that it does though).

 

I would like to be fair and do what works. I need space from ex, and I need to be able to care for my son as best I can. I don't want to do anything that would actually interfere with ex's ability to care for son (or for himself). But if ex can't do it, I would like to be there for my son in a predictable, stable, and planned way.

 

In the long term, I'm happy to pay for son's school if ex can't afford a good school. That's not "fair," but what's the alternative? Put him in the local crappy public school? Take away the other parent's custody or parenting-time? I'd rather not do those things.

 

I think ex is hoping 50/50 will really work out. He's applying for jobs. He has (inevitably) bonded more and more with son. Son cries sometimes when time to leave his daddy. It will be great if 50/50 will work.

 

I was hoping that, if 50/50 will not work, that we find that out sooner rather than later.

 

 

I'm a little surprised to learn that ex is having a hard time with the fact that I have a boyfriend. I wish he did not care. I see ex as a bit of a loose cannon.

 

I wish he would say to me, "[Jakrbbt], you live your life and I'll live mine. We don't even have to be friends. But we can still at least do joint custody. We can communicate reasonably about school, doctor, and schedules, because that's our duty as parents of [son] with joint custody."

 

I don't think ex can reasonably object to me putting son in "school" Mondays/Tuesdays (my days) rather than the "day care" he is currently in Mon/Tues and that I'm paying for (because it's my days).

 

If ex objects based on, "But I want son in a school only if you [Jakrbbt] will put him in a 5-day program and pay for my [ex's] days as well"-- then I'd let him know I'm taking the decision to an arbitrator. But it might not come to that.

 

Our parenting plan already specifies that we have to each pay for half of child's school needs and that we each pay for our own day care. While child is tiny, I'm wanting to substitute "school" for the day-care I use. That said, I still don't have a problem with paying for 3 days of preschool rather than 2, because I think 3 days would be good for our son. Any more perspective on why not to do that? I have open ears here.

 

Ex wants to tour the school with me. (I offered.) I am nervous that the reason he wants a tour (rather than signing off on me putting son in on my days) is that he wants to object to my putting son in unless I also pay for ex's days. (If it's not clear, more days of preschool = higher tuition.)

But, maybe ex is merely wanting to contribute and be present and show that he can do his 50%. Maybe he just doesn't want son basically starting school while ex wasn't looking, and I understand that. I know he does care about our son's education. I hope we have similar enough education goals.

 

Relationship with new/old boyfriend is very healthy and wonderful. We're very compatible. I keep feeling like it's hard to fully enjoy the new relationship since I'm still stuck dealing with the person from the old relationship.

[jakrbbt]

Joint legal custody (which we have) means joint right to decide on school, religion, and non-emergency medical care. So I don't think I could put son in school without ex agreeing--even though I could do day care without consulting him (and I did-- do day care without consulting him, that is).

[turnera]

I'm having trouble following. You put son in daycare. And now you want to put him in a school instead? How old is he?

[jakrbbt]

Oh-- I'll clarify that. Day care for 2 days is $630-$712 per month. And it's adequate, but not great. The little preschool is for kids at least 2.5 years old, and has 2-day, 3-day, and 5-day programs with super affordable per-hour aftercare. That means (in a nutshell) 2 days of preschool (with aftercare) will cost me about $450 per month. And it's much higher quality care and education with very involved families. So I feel like I'm getting so much better value and putting him in a better situation. He turned 2.5 last month and could start in winter.

Edited November 9, 2015 by jakrbbt

[turnera]

Oh. That's not school. That's preschool. That's daycare with a special name in front of it. He doesn't have to approve.