update, dating, needing to heal from past

[jakrbbt]

I'm not sure that's legally true. But I'm not really so worried . . . my son will attend a good school one dat. Worst that happens is I pay more for less-good care while he's tiny, or I take the matter to arbitration. Either way, son is fine. I hate the idea that ex might get in the way of optimal situation for son, but no way can he lower it below "good enough." And my child is pretty fantastic-- he's shaping up to be super sweet, highly verbal, certainly intelligent, good at asking for what he needs.

 

More shenanigans this week. The hard thing is knowing where to draw the line. If I take the hard line of "NEVER help ex," then sometimes that does not serve my son (or me). But if I do accommodate, then ex takes advantage in the future.

 

My flight to Italy was cancelled because of the Lufthansa strike. Otherwise I'd be en route right now. This is ex's day with our son. Ex told me he was going to get our son at 8:30 for a breakfast with grandparents. I said fine. What was I to say, come at 7:45 as usual even though it's obvious I don't have to be at work? I'm thinking yes. But at the time, I didn't figure I had to be so hard-nosed and petty. Plus, I figured son would benefit from sleeping later (wrong-- he woke super early. Toddlers. )

 

At 8:45 my son was dressed with shoes on, waiting for daddy. I called, "Were you going to come get him for that breakfast?" Ex: "Oh, there's been a change of plans." (He'd obviously been sleeping when I called.) "Grandparents are coming here around 10:30 instead. I'll come get son in a while." I told him to tell me next time pick-up plans change.

 

Five minutes later he called again, saying he'd locked his keys in the car and could I drive son to his house?

 

I did-- Otherwise, son would be unable to see his grandparents (unless they came to get him-- too awkward for me), and I'd be unable to plan my day or get work done.

 

I suspected though, ex wasn't telling the truth about locking keys in the car.

 

I got to his place within 15 minutes. I offered to help get the keys out of the car. He said, "Oh, I already took care of that." But it was pretty clear he'd barely gotten going. His meticulous coffee routine takes him forever, and he had already consumed the coffee and had no shoes on. The car had its windows rolled up.

 

Then our son cried horribly when time for me to leave. He does much better when the exchanges are more routine.

 

What should I have done though? If I were rich, I'd just line up care for my son and tell ex, I've paid for day care/nanny, you never came to get son, you forfeited. But I can't do that and even then, that's hardly better for son.

 

Then, ex got an offer to work on a Friday (his day with son) when I have to be at work. He asked whether my mother could watch son. My mother says she can. But I wonder whether it's a bad idea to accommodate him. It's best for son (and everyone) if ex can work that shift. I have no problem with my parents watching my son that day. But am I over-accommodating because he can't both work and have child without dipping into my family resources? This once isn't the issue. I'm thinking what if he routinely uses them for his own on-call work needs? They should draw a line I guess.

 

Lastly, ex told me he wants to be together with me and son "as a family" Thanksgiving morning. I don't want to. I have son this year for Thanksgiving. All that ex is asking for is a brunch together that day. Son doesn't care about family time on Thanksgiving-- he's two. But ex is going to be all alone on Thanksgiving and he's sad. Unlike me, he's very sad that the relationship ended. (Weirdly, because he was also an abusive jerk to me.) I don't want Thanksgiving together but I hate the thought of him being super sad. And he's so off-base with his request, I don't even know where to begin in telling him no. Ugh. Not looking forward to that.

Edited November 11, 2015 by jakrbbt

[turnera]

Yes to taking him any time ex wants to give him up.

 

And document it in the notebook you're keeping just for documenting custody stuff.

 

No to allowing him to come over on Thanksgiving. You three are no longer a family. THAT is caving and detrimental overall.

 

Yes to being reasonable and flexible when it comes to work issues, because you're going to have tons of opportunities in the future where YOU will be the one needing help at the last minute; arranging a decent understanding about such things is vital - you have 16 more years of this stuff.

 

And here's a link about preschool and exes:

Pre-School: Is it School, or is it Day Care? And which parent gets to decide? | NJ Family Legal Blog

[jakrbbt]

Ex's parents moved out of town (pretty suddenly).

 

I can barely afford 2 full days of day care, and I'm a lawyer. How do people afford full-time day care? And if ex does get full-time work, but can't afford day care, what should I do? Wait for him to ask for something? What's reasonable to do? Try to negotiate a change in parenting-time so that the one who is paying for child care (or the one whose parents help) is the one who has parenting-time for that day?

[jakrbbt]

Also.

 

Lately I am nervously fixated on my co-parenting situation and my ex.

 

For a while it was better, but then I started to grasp that I might have a future beyond just making sure son is alive day to day. A future with someone else!

 

New (new/old) boyfriend is understanding, but he's starting to feel uncomfortable with how much my ex dictates my life and thoughts. I so do not want to ruin this new relationship! It's going so well.

 

I just want the future relatively visible, at least the basics hammered out (like a parenting plan/custody agreement that will work).

 

Maybe the basics that need hammering out are my boundaries with ex. The rest can fall into place-- like whether ex finds day care when he gets a job.

 

I am very angry about the past. Thought I was above that. But the anger has nowhere to go, except nervous fixation. My brain needs to say: "Hey! This horrible thing really happened!" My brain wants to keep thinking about it.

 

I don't know if that's a separate issue, or if it's the real reason I perceive problems and threats in the form of weird ex.

[jakrbbt]

For me... I had to admit that my past really, really sucked!

 

Then I asked for help with the things I COULD CHANGE. The things I could control. The things I had an affect on.

 

 

Well this struck a chord.

 

How did you do that? How did you admit that? And come to those realizations?

 

Seems I'd have to go to a mountain and meditate. But of course, no time . . .

[jakrbbt]

If I do everything different then I'll be admitting the past was horrible, even at the same time that I carried and nursed and nurtured my baby son.

 

Like that gut-wrenching documentary "Into Thin Air" -- where the mountain-climber fell into a very deep ice crevice and had to spend the whole night in there, pitch-blackness, spooky ice sounds. Left for dead. Then he had to climb deeper, through a tunnel, before finally getting out. And he said he lost some part of himself in there that night, he was never the same.

 

I don't want to face the ice-crevice past. I don't want to leave my child behind in it.

 

Scary.

[turnera]

Ex's parents moved out of town (pretty suddenly).

 

I can barely afford 2 full days of day care, and I'm a lawyer. How do people afford full-time day care? And if ex does get full-time work, but can't afford day care, what should I do? Wait for him to ask for something? What's reasonable to do? Try to negotiate a change in parenting-time so that the one who is paying for child care (or the one whose parents help) is the one who has parenting-time for that day?

We already told you. You set up your life so that you raise your son without needing his help. You're a lawyer; figure it out.

[turnera]

Well this struck a chord.

 

How did you do that? How did you admit that? And come to those realizations?

 

Seems I'd have to go to a mountain and meditate. But of course, no time . . .

By going through the Stages of Grief. And counseling.

 

Grief.com ? Because LOVE Never Dies Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler

[jakrbbt]

 

If he can't are for the child then get 100% custody!

 

It never seems that simple.

 

I don't want to just take my kid's dad away from him just because it's highly inconvenient/unfair/expensive for me to deal with him. And a custody battle would be very involved. That's where I feel like I'm in a bind. It's never so bad that I have to go for a court order and have son 100 per cent. But, that's partly because I keep stepping in.

 

At this point, maybe I have to just be uncomfortable with ex's struggles and sub-par, hanging-by-a-thread parenting . . . the cost of cutting ties with him.

 

I keep thinking my son won't be OK if his dad completely falls. Because his dad won't do it all of a sudden, in a cut-and-dry way. And he won't let me know what's going on. He won't allow me to be the one to take over if he falls, because he won't admit he's not functioning. He will hide it.

 

Yes, ex is long-recovering alcoholic.

[turnera]

Your last post is 100% full-blown codependency. Educate yourself on it so you can start fixing it.

 

It's also 100% wrong. Nobody's telling you to end relations with him or cut him out of y'all's lives, and there IS a way to get this to work.

 

You set down rules for how your son's care will go. Write it all out. Give him a copy. In it, you state WHAT will happen if he doesn't pick up his son from daycare (you have arranged for alternate pickup), what will happen if he doesn't shop up on time to get him and you have to leave for work (you have arranged for extra daycare or whatever), etc.

 

You chart it ALL out and YOU FOLLOW IT.

 

It's just like raising kids in the Authoritative Parenting (preferred) method. You set up - ahead of time - what will happen and then let the person go along with it or not, because you have already laid out what the consequences will be (him not getting his allotted time, etc.).

 

This takes out ALL THE EMOTION. All the guilt. All the second-guessing. And it lets you get on with your life.