update, dating, needing to heal from past

[S2B]

Live your life separately from your ex.

 

Tour the daycare alone. Why does your ex even know you date?

 

Stop giving him opportunities to know info he doesn't need to know!

 

 

And IF you're so worried he can't provide for the child - then start getting 100% visitation through the court.

 

 

Separate means he has no business knowing anything about your life.

 

 

And just tell him to take care of the child. Tell him if he calls you to solve his problems then you will seek sole custody.

[jakrbbt]

Joint legal custody (which we have) means joint right to decide on school, religion, and non-emergency medical care. So I don't think I could put son in school without ex agreeing--even though I could do day care without consulting him (and I did-- do day care without consulting him, that is).

[turnera]

I'm having trouble following. You put son in daycare. And now you want to put him in a school instead? How old is he?

[jakrbbt]

Oh-- I'll clarify that. Day care for 2 days is $630-$712 per month. And it's adequate, but not great. The little preschool is for kids at least 2.5 years old, and has 2-day, 3-day, and 5-day programs with super affordable per-hour aftercare. That means (in a nutshell) 2 days of preschool (with aftercare) will cost me about $450 per month. And it's much higher quality care and education with very involved families. So I feel like I'm getting so much better value and putting him in a better situation. He turned 2.5 last month and could start in winter.

Edited November 9, 2015 by jakrbbt

[turnera]

Oh. That's not school. That's preschool. That's daycare with a special name in front of it. He doesn't have to approve.

[jakrbbt]

I'm not sure that's legally true. But I'm not really so worried . . . my son will attend a good school one dat. Worst that happens is I pay more for less-good care while he's tiny, or I take the matter to arbitration. Either way, son is fine. I hate the idea that ex might get in the way of optimal situation for son, but no way can he lower it below "good enough." And my child is pretty fantastic-- he's shaping up to be super sweet, highly verbal, certainly intelligent, good at asking for what he needs.

 

More shenanigans this week. The hard thing is knowing where to draw the line. If I take the hard line of "NEVER help ex," then sometimes that does not serve my son (or me). But if I do accommodate, then ex takes advantage in the future.

 

My flight to Italy was cancelled because of the Lufthansa strike. Otherwise I'd be en route right now. This is ex's day with our son. Ex told me he was going to get our son at 8:30 for a breakfast with grandparents. I said fine. What was I to say, come at 7:45 as usual even though it's obvious I don't have to be at work? I'm thinking yes. But at the time, I didn't figure I had to be so hard-nosed and petty. Plus, I figured son would benefit from sleeping later (wrong-- he woke super early. Toddlers. )

 

At 8:45 my son was dressed with shoes on, waiting for daddy. I called, "Were you going to come get him for that breakfast?" Ex: "Oh, there's been a change of plans." (He'd obviously been sleeping when I called.) "Grandparents are coming here around 10:30 instead. I'll come get son in a while." I told him to tell me next time pick-up plans change.

 

Five minutes later he called again, saying he'd locked his keys in the car and could I drive son to his house?

 

I did-- Otherwise, son would be unable to see his grandparents (unless they came to get him-- too awkward for me), and I'd be unable to plan my day or get work done.

 

I suspected though, ex wasn't telling the truth about locking keys in the car.

 

I got to his place within 15 minutes. I offered to help get the keys out of the car. He said, "Oh, I already took care of that." But it was pretty clear he'd barely gotten going. His meticulous coffee routine takes him forever, and he had already consumed the coffee and had no shoes on. The car had its windows rolled up.

 

Then our son cried horribly when time for me to leave. He does much better when the exchanges are more routine.

 

What should I have done though? If I were rich, I'd just line up care for my son and tell ex, I've paid for day care/nanny, you never came to get son, you forfeited. But I can't do that and even then, that's hardly better for son.

 

Then, ex got an offer to work on a Friday (his day with son) when I have to be at work. He asked whether my mother could watch son. My mother says she can. But I wonder whether it's a bad idea to accommodate him. It's best for son (and everyone) if ex can work that shift. I have no problem with my parents watching my son that day. But am I over-accommodating because he can't both work and have child without dipping into my family resources? This once isn't the issue. I'm thinking what if he routinely uses them for his own on-call work needs? They should draw a line I guess.

 

Lastly, ex told me he wants to be together with me and son "as a family" Thanksgiving morning. I don't want to. I have son this year for Thanksgiving. All that ex is asking for is a brunch together that day. Son doesn't care about family time on Thanksgiving-- he's two. But ex is going to be all alone on Thanksgiving and he's sad. Unlike me, he's very sad that the relationship ended. (Weirdly, because he was also an abusive jerk to me.) I don't want Thanksgiving together but I hate the thought of him being super sad. And he's so off-base with his request, I don't even know where to begin in telling him no. Ugh. Not looking forward to that.

Edited November 11, 2015 by jakrbbt

[turnera]

Yes to taking him any time ex wants to give him up.

 

And document it in the notebook you're keeping just for documenting custody stuff.

 

No to allowing him to come over on Thanksgiving. You three are no longer a family. THAT is caving and detrimental overall.

 

Yes to being reasonable and flexible when it comes to work issues, because you're going to have tons of opportunities in the future where YOU will be the one needing help at the last minute; arranging a decent understanding about such things is vital - you have 16 more years of this stuff.

 

And here's a link about preschool and exes:

Pre-School: Is it School, or is it Day Care? And which parent gets to decide? | NJ Family Legal Blog

[S2B]

You can see he's toying with you... He changed times but didn't tell you.

 

Then he locks the keys in the car...but probably not. You come rushing with the baby - problem solved for him - he has to make no effort to get the child. No keys were locked in the car. So he's a liar again.

 

Can you see that you can say no... Because his "problems" are not really problems? They are designed to make his life easier and cause you more effort.

 

He works on a Friday? Yay!!! He can ask HIS parents to help him. You need your parents when YOU need help. He can hire a sitter if needed. Stop solving his problems with your effort and your resources.

 

 

And thanksgiving? No. You are no longer a family together. He needs to adjust, he won't without changing.

 

 

You really need professional help. When do you plan to get help for your co dependency? Your lack of establishing a boundary?

 

Every week he will have new drama and he's trained you to fix it for him like HE'S the one who's two years old.

 

 

He should expect to work a lot - it's high time HE figures out daycare for when he works. Stop helping him be such a baby.

[jakrbbt]

Ex's parents moved out of town (pretty suddenly).

 

I can barely afford 2 full days of day care, and I'm a lawyer. How do people afford full-time day care? And if ex does get full-time work, but can't afford day care, what should I do? Wait for him to ask for something? What's reasonable to do? Try to negotiate a change in parenting-time so that the one who is paying for child care (or the one whose parents help) is the one who has parenting-time for that day?

[jakrbbt]

Also.

 

Lately I am nervously fixated on my co-parenting situation and my ex.

 

For a while it was better, but then I started to grasp that I might have a future beyond just making sure son is alive day to day. A future with someone else!

 

New (new/old) boyfriend is understanding, but he's starting to feel uncomfortable with how much my ex dictates my life and thoughts. I so do not want to ruin this new relationship! It's going so well.

 

I just want the future relatively visible, at least the basics hammered out (like a parenting plan/custody agreement that will work).

 

Maybe the basics that need hammering out are my boundaries with ex. The rest can fall into place-- like whether ex finds day care when he gets a job.

 

I am very angry about the past. Thought I was above that. But the anger has nowhere to go, except nervous fixation. My brain needs to say: "Hey! This horrible thing really happened!" My brain wants to keep thinking about it.

 

I don't know if that's a separate issue, or if it's the real reason I perceive problems and threats in the form of weird ex.

[S2B]

For me... I had to admit that my past really, really sucked!

 

Then I asked for help with the things I COULD CHANGE. The things I could control. The things I had an affect on.

 

And when I started doing everything opposite of the way I'd done it before - I got a NEW result every time!

 

You see, healthy people take care of self first. You keep trying to take care of him, the baby and yourself.

 

Meanwhile the ex thinks you take care of him, the baby and then yourself last.

 

 

You are constantly taking care of three people!

 

He needs to take care of the baby and himself!!! He's NOT two years old!

 

You take care of yourself (and the baby)

 

 

He will never step up to the plate if you always rescue him! Stop trying to fix his problems AND yours. You divorced him.

 

 

And no, no healthy guy is gonna stay long term if your primary focus is on what your ex is or isn't capable of doing FOR HIMSELF. Let the ex go! Tell him to figure out his OWN problems - you have your own to handle and he needs to handle his. Tell him to grow the F up!

 

If he changes the schedule without you knowing - leave the house for the day and arrange alternate care. When he calls late to pick up tell him he was late and this is his consequence = he will stick to the schedule better the next time instead of rewarding his bad behavior by treating him like a baby himself.

 

 

If he's that bad of a provider - turn in his evidence!

 

 

You divorced him - start taking action that shows him you divorced him.

Edited November 12, 2015 by S2B

[jakrbbt]

For me... I had to admit that my past really, really sucked!

 

Then I asked for help with the things I COULD CHANGE. The things I could control. The things I had an affect on.

 

 

Well this struck a chord.

 

How did you do that? How did you admit that? And come to those realizations?

 

Seems I'd have to go to a mountain and meditate. But of course, no time . . .

[S2B]

Well this struck a chord.

 

How did you do that? How did you admit that? And come to those realizations?

 

Seems I'd have to go to a mountain and meditate. But of course, no time . . .

 

My trauma therapist had me do EVERY single thing in my life opposite of what I'd EVER done.

 

This included big things and little things including sleeping on the other side of the bed, carrying a huge purse when I carried always a small one, driving to work, market etc a different route. Parting my hair on the other side. Stopped taking care of everyone else and me last. Starting making me and my wishes a priority. Allowed others the respect that they were perfectly capable of doing things themselves (including my then teen kids). Tried new recipes, chose new words when responding to others (no! Instead of yes). You get the idea.

 

You see - HE doesn't do this to you - YOU DO THIS TO YOU. You could easily say no - that's yours to take care of.

 

Saying no to my abusive and controlling exH started me on a path to freedom from his brand of crazy.

 

 

I got all new results when I just did everything opposite!

[jakrbbt]

If I do everything different then I'll be admitting the past was horrible, even at the same time that I carried and nursed and nurtured my baby son.

 

Like that gut-wrenching documentary "Into Thin Air" -- where the mountain-climber fell into a very deep ice crevice and had to spend the whole night in there, pitch-blackness, spooky ice sounds. Left for dead. Then he had to climb deeper, through a tunnel, before finally getting out. And he said he lost some part of himself in there that night, he was never the same.

 

I don't want to face the ice-crevice past. I don't want to leave my child behind in it.

 

Scary.

[turnera]

Ex's parents moved out of town (pretty suddenly).

 

I can barely afford 2 full days of day care, and I'm a lawyer. How do people afford full-time day care? And if ex does get full-time work, but can't afford day care, what should I do? Wait for him to ask for something? What's reasonable to do? Try to negotiate a change in parenting-time so that the one who is paying for child care (or the one whose parents help) is the one who has parenting-time for that day?

We already told you. You set up your life so that you raise your son without needing his help. You're a lawyer; figure it out.

[S2B]

If I do everything different then I'll be admitting the past was horrible, even at the same time that I carried and nursed and nurtured my baby son.

 

Like that gut-wrenching documentary "Into Thin Air" -- where the mountain-climber fell into a very deep ice crevice and had to spend the whole night in there, pitch-blackness, spooky ice sounds. Left for dead. Then he had to climb deeper, through a tunnel, before finally getting out. And he said he lost some part of himself in there that night, he was never the same.

 

I don't want to face the ice-crevice past. I don't want to leave my child behind in it.

 

Scary.

 

Not as scary as continuing to live with the crappy life. Not as crappy as allowing someone else to control and dictate your future.

 

 

No one will take charge of your life except you. Unless you make changes it will still look the same.

 

Admitting you need changes is the first step.

 

Otherwise keep doing it the same and accept that will always be crappy and you let his bad behavior control you. No man will date you with that baggage.

 

You gotta let go of what's not good. That means cutting ties with the EX.

 

Remind him he does HIS life and you do yours. Stop allowing him to tell you HIS problems!

 

If he can't are for the child then get 100% custody! Your exH still shows behavior of a guy with alcohol/drug problems.

Edited November 12, 2015 by S2B

[turnera]

Well this struck a chord.

 

How did you do that? How did you admit that? And come to those realizations?

 

Seems I'd have to go to a mountain and meditate. But of course, no time . . .

By going through the Stages of Grief. And counseling.

 

Grief.com ? Because LOVE Never Dies Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler

[jakrbbt]

 

If he can't are for the child then get 100% custody!

 

It never seems that simple.

 

I don't want to just take my kid's dad away from him just because it's highly inconvenient/unfair/expensive for me to deal with him. And a custody battle would be very involved. That's where I feel like I'm in a bind. It's never so bad that I have to go for a court order and have son 100 per cent. But, that's partly because I keep stepping in.

 

At this point, maybe I have to just be uncomfortable with ex's struggles and sub-par, hanging-by-a-thread parenting . . . the cost of cutting ties with him.

 

I keep thinking my son won't be OK if his dad completely falls. Because his dad won't do it all of a sudden, in a cut-and-dry way. And he won't let me know what's going on. He won't allow me to be the one to take over if he falls, because he won't admit he's not functioning. He will hide it.

 

Yes, ex is long-recovering alcoholic.

[S2B]

It never seems that simple.

 

I don't want to just take my kid's dad away from him just because it's highly inconvenient/unfair/expensive for me to deal with him. And a custody battle would be very involved. That's where I feel like I'm in a bind. It's never so bad that I have to go for a court order and have son 100 per cent. But, that's partly because I keep stepping in.

 

At this point, maybe I have to just be uncomfortable with ex's struggles and sub-par, hanging-by-a-thread parenting . . . the cost of cutting ties with him.

 

I keep thinking my son won't be OK if his dad completely falls. Because his dad won't do it all of a sudden, in a cut-and-dry way. And he won't let me know what's going on. He won't allow me to be the one to take over if he falls, because he won't admit he's not functioning. He will hide it.

 

Yes, ex is long-recovering alcoholic.

 

That is NOt what recovery looks like!

 

Recovery looks like a person who is responsible, reliable and dependable. Someone willing to take care of themself AND help OTHERS!

 

Your ex looks NOTHING close to recovering. He looks active.

 

That's from a gal that's helped more than 100 people who have done the action to recover.

 

Your ex still has many problems and it looks like you keep covering up his issues.

 

You can say he's not - but his behavior shows evidence he is.

 

Actively recovering people begin to look well, begin working a steady schedule and they also offer their loved ones peace of mind - that's not your ex.

 

Stop defending his bad behavior!

 

 

And raising any child IS that simple - if he can't handle his responsibility then he forfeits the privilege.

[turnera]

Your last post is 100% full-blown codependency. Educate yourself on it so you can start fixing it.

 

It's also 100% wrong. Nobody's telling you to end relations with him or cut him out of y'all's lives, and there IS a way to get this to work.

 

You set down rules for how your son's care will go. Write it all out. Give him a copy. In it, you state WHAT will happen if he doesn't pick up his son from daycare (you have arranged for alternate pickup), what will happen if he doesn't shop up on time to get him and you have to leave for work (you have arranged for extra daycare or whatever), etc.

 

You chart it ALL out and YOU FOLLOW IT.

 

It's just like raising kids in the Authoritative Parenting (preferred) method. You set up - ahead of time - what will happen and then let the person go along with it or not, because you have already laid out what the consequences will be (him not getting his allotted time, etc.).

 

This takes out ALL THE EMOTION. All the guilt. All the second-guessing. And it lets you get on with your life.

[S2B]

Have you ever looked into codependent behavior? Have you read books about it?

 

Most people tied closely wit a problem drinker/druggy show severe signs of codependency.