saffie Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I was with a guy I was very compatible with for 5.5 months and broke up with him 40 days ago. He was saying "yes" to everybody (family, employers who wanted him to work various jobs, me) trying to keep everyone happy, but ended up overcommitting himself and letting everybody down. We agreed that he needs to address his personal issues (grief over both his parents dying, a mentally ill brother, his own depression) before he'll be able to be in a healthy relationship. When we broke up, he had just started to see a therapist. We've had no contact. I really want it to work out for us at some point in the future. We have -so- much in common, I can easily see myself in a permanent, committed relationship with him. Despite that, I can't sit home alone in the meantime and wait for him. Life is short. I'm open to dating. I also signed up for a class that I've been meaning to take for a long time. I initiated the break-up, but I wonder if he "let me" break up with him because he didn't want to break up with me himself. Maybe that's something that's just in my head. When we broke it off, he said "You're the best thing that's happened to me in a long time." In retrospect it sounds kind of canned, but at the time, I accepted it. Anyway, I'm new here and I've read a little bit about NC, but I don't know why it's important. I'm guessing it's so you don't get sucked into going back to something that's not healthy for you. My current dilemma: I've been worried that he's down on himself. I don't know if he's been seeing his therapist because of the NC. I have a strong urge to tell him that I didn't break up with him because I disapprove of him as a person. I guess it boils down to I don't want him to feel rejected by me. At the risk of falling into "therapy-speak", I don't want him to feel like I've rejected his "personhood." I'd like it if we could be friends while he's pursuing his therapy, but the reality of the situation is I want us to get back together some day. I think it's disingenuous to say "we can just be friends" if you have a romantic agenda, which I do. We had a good "final talk" when we broke it off and it was very plain why it was ending - we didn't fight or disagree, about that or anything for that matter. Still, I know when you get dumped, you just feel DUMPED - like there's something wrong with you or you're somehow "not acceptable." I like him and I don't want him to feel bad about himself. I've never been the initiator in a break up before - does it show? Anyway, should I stick with the NC or can I break it to tell him that I don't disapprove of him as a person? Yes, I totally question myself on this. Reading back what I wrote, it sounds like I'm just behaving like a "people-pleaser." Or perhaps I'm inviting drama by seeking to be in contact with him. On the other hand, I think I really do have compassion for him. I think I totally understand why he can't really be a fully contributing part of a healthy relationship right now - he just has too much on his plate and unresolved issues he needs to work through. I know very well that I can't solve his problems - only he can. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Well.. On one hand it's nice that you want him to know you think he's an amazing person BUT on the other hand you can't really say in this situation "It isn't You it's Me" (LOL Personally I hate that saying!) BUT I digress... You broke up with him BECAUSE "It's Him, not You" so saying hey you're an amazing person *Mostly* and if you ever get your sh*t together lemme know because I might be about getting back with you. FOR ME (and this is just me) IF My EX said basically that to me, I guess I would think Wow isn't that great of you that when I'm not doing so great you dump me.. but is letting me know that if I ever do great things he'll be there for me.. know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author saffie Posted May 20, 2005 Author Share Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by Merin IF My EX said basically that to me, I guess I would think Wow isn't that great of you that when I'm not doing so great you dump me.. but is letting me know that if I ever do great things he'll be there for me.. know what I mean? I feel very guilty about dumping him when he's going through a rough time, however what he's going through is not a free pass for him not to treat me right and he knows that. When we broke it off, he said "You deserve better." We didn't break it off because he's depressed. We broke it off because his deeds do not match his words. I understand that, in a roundabout way, being depressed can make you 'act out' in such a way that you sabotage yourself. I chose to hang onto my self-esteem and end it, rather than choosing to be the person he was 'acting out' on. He doesn't have to 'do great things' for us to get back together. What (I hope) he's working on right now is addressing the basic issues in his life, which (we talked about this when we broke it off) is something he needs to do for himself anyway. And it's not actually something I can help him with. I want to be a supportive friend to him, but as I said, I think it's disingenuous to say "we can just be friends" when you have a romantic agenda (which I do.) I'm still wrestling with whether or not it's okay to break NC to let him know that I'm not mad at him. Maybe I'm just flattering myself to think that he even cares what my opinion of him is. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Don't misunderstand me.. If he wasn't treating you right then of course you did the right thing in ending it. It is always someone actions that matter not just the words... Hang in there Link to post Share on other sites
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