baklava Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Hi all, I was wondering about the stages of a relationship breaking up. My best friend is going through a really tough time in his marriage right now. He finally confronted his wife and told her that it was over and left. He was gone for about three days and then went back. She asked him to try and work it out by going to a therapist. The first stage of therapy is over and so far, I've seen him give into everything she asked of him, but I see nothing that she's tried to compromise on to help him. Only now, he seems like he's more painted in a corner than before. So, I was wondering what comes next. I want to be a good friend and be a little prepared of what comes next. Any advice? Thanks, Baklava Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 22, 2005 Share Posted May 22, 2005 Well being a good Friend would be in just listening to him IF he wants to talk.. I get the feeling (and I could be wrong) that maybe you're wanting to be more than a friend? Bottomline, this is his marriage to either succeed at or fail.. and something to keep in mind as well, the only side you're really seeing is His not his Wife's.. there are 3 sides to every story.. His, Her's and what actually happend. Part of the problem in the marriage IMO could be that while you consider him to be your best Friend... he should IMO consider his wife to be his. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Searching JJ Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 Here's a bit of advice - stay out of his marriage. If you are as good of a friend to him as you say, you will support him and be an ear to listen - that is it. Maybe somewhere inside you want more for the two of you although he is committed to someone else. If you think you can try to help him by convincing him to just end the relationship, and then it happens, if it was not really what he wanted, he will resent you for the rest of his life. You can't change the past - it is permanent history that folks just don't forget, they may forgive although they will always remember. You do however, have control over what you want your past to look like when all is said and done. I advise you to make sure he will remember you as a strong friend that supported HIS DECISION not your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author baklava Posted June 4, 2005 Author Share Posted June 4, 2005 I really appreciate your thoughts on this. He's not just a friend though, he's my brother... I know it's his choice. I guess I was just wondering how other folks cope. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Searching JJ Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by baklava I really appreciate your thoughts on this. He's not just a friend though, he's my brother... I know it's his choice. I guess I was just wondering how other folks cope. I feel for ya... Just so happens that my brother is preparing to make a huge mistake and marry a girl even he can't stand. There are so many stories I could share with you how terrible this gal is although when it comes down to it, it is his choice. It hurts me something bad to know he is making a mistake but it wouldn't be right for me to get to involved into his relationship. He is a very good looking guy but he has a low self esteem and is co-dependent. They have a terrible relationship and curse each other every day - they even get violent with each other. She hits, throws things and behaves like a burnt out brat until he just can't handle it anymore and will grab her or shake her. They just got done building a $650,000 home that serves only as a trophy for her. There is not one person in our entire family that thinks that they should marry. One of my brothers even pulled his kids from the wedding and his wife refuses to go. I have talked with him out of concern and let him know I was worried. I shared my feelings with him in a very careful way as not to upset him without any insult to her. He has spent so many hours telling all of us how terrible she is and we have all seen it for ourselves yet he continues to plan for the wedding which is only weeks away now. He said to me once after I asked why he was still with her and he said, "she is the same religion, she isn't ugly and she has somewhat the same morals I have". His biological clock is ticking and he want's kids. He dosn't think that he will be able to meet anyone now that so much time has passed and he is now 33. I fear for the children that become of this - when I say she is nuts, I mean it. I want him to know I will always be here for him but there is nothing else I can do. He is all grown up and it is out of my control. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Ending a marriage is never easy and for the most part is never exactly the same. There is no real step by step guide. He decided that he was unahppy and left. But he then came back now they've gone to therapy and once again he needs to decide whether is happy or not, and if there is hope. This tell me that even he is unsure of what he wants. Even therapist at one point will say, if things don't change you will be looking a disengagement. So if they are in therapy, then as long as he remains open, things will work themsleves out one way or another. So listen to him, give him a shoulder to cry on. The support he needs is to remind him that its his life, its short, so you need to strive to be as happy as you can, and that he is needs to decide if he's happy or not. Link to post Share on other sites
liswil Posted June 11, 2005 Share Posted June 11, 2005 I know a guy who was in therapy (with his wife) because he said he wanted to make his marriage better. Meanwhile he was seeing another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Originally posted by liswil I know a guy who was in therapy (with his wife) because he said he wanted to make his marriage better. Meanwhile he was seeing another woman. Well that can be take several ways. He may actually be wanting to see if his marriage and perhaps he would leave the other women. Granted not the smart way to do that, but he may also have a fear of being alone, so in the event it doesn't work out with his wife, he has someone to go to. Or it could be the negative side where he was stringing his wife along so that he wouldn't have to divorce her, and is getting his jolly's at the same time. Things aren't always as they are on the surface with more details. Link to post Share on other sites
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