Boyfriend [24] of 3.5 years broke up [23/f] with - he said no more spark.

[nicololi]

He graduated college last December. (He delayed for half a semester because he didn't sign up for his capstone in time and didn't realize he failed two classes before....I just thought he wasn't ready to graduate and I accepted that just fine- growing up is hard..) I graduated this past May. I thought we would move in together since we pretty much lived in the dorms together and in my house (with roommates) for over 4 years. He said he wouldn't live with me until we were married because he is catholic and doesn't believe in that - even though we have been sleeping together and staying the night together since freshman year of college. I am 23 and he is 24. His parents are VERY religious and strict but he said that it was HIM that wouldn't live with me. So this was huge for me and I felt very betrayed and confused. I said that we should stop staying the night together every night and maybe to stop having sex. He said no he doesn't want to stop.

I felt like I was being used so I slowed down on stuff (he never stopped staying over but sex dwindled a bit). I cried a lot March, April, May etc. It felt like we should be starting a life together instead of each paying $700/month living 10 minutes away. He was also always staying at my place - the little things add up like cleaning, buying essentials - etc. that I don't think he realized I provided for him. I was fine with doing that but it started to become a little overbearing. My sadness didn't seem to have an effect on him and he stayed solid on not living with me. I also wanted to move to a city where most of my family was - he knew how important this was to me but kept saying "maybe in the future" when reality he wants to become a manager at the only place he has ever worked in his life. He didn't tell me this until after I stayed in the same city as him instead of moving where I wanted. He would have never followed me if I would have moved...Before he broke up with me I was fine with compromising and living and doing what he wanted.

Long story short - I was sad a lot, I got a semi-bad job after college. (now i notice he wasn't fully there for me). The housing stuff didn't rule my life and we still did fun things together and I would only get upset when something came up about it. We went out and did fun things together and seemed normal at the time. I wasn't acting miserable by any means. This was also naturally stressful because we started full time jobs, friends moved away, new housing, just new life situations in general. I thought we were in it together, however. I thought it was a natural phase. Life as a "real adult" can be frustrating at first.

Big fights: living together, moving, and about abortions (NOTHING to do with us and was a hypothetical random fight). We made up - I thought??

I got over my sadness because he was sad. I helped him move into 2 houses (first was bad deal) and I stopped moping about living somewhere else. I gave it my all.

More background to why I'm confused...In May - we got a 2nd cat together that he picked out from the Humane Society. June 29th he said he wanted to propose this fall and have kids in a few years (he says he truly meant it when he said it) He brought it up on his own. We also were going to look at engagement rings in July.

This is what throws me off as well - the week of the breakup - M-Th is is sick and I take care of him. Thursday he stayed at my house all day long. I made him suppers, made tea, and picked up his dirty tissues from the floor. Friday - he cooked me dinner (he offered right when he got to my place) and took the trash out. We watched a movie - cuddle - said I love you and went to bed. He went to work Saturday morning - everyday day he wakes me up at 4:45am and says have a good day - love you.

He comes barging into my house at 12:30pm Saturday saying he hasn't loved me for a long time and hasn't wanted to really be together since March. He says he has zero passion or connection to me and he is leaving forever and will NEVER love me again and he has been faking it.

He came to me a month before and said he was sad but wouldn't say why - I thought because of new life stresses and because he had a bad housing situation. I turned it ALL around - helped him move twice and was selfless for over a month completely. I'm seeing certain things NOW and he stopped be as sweet as he used to be before March. Anytime I brought up him being out of it or sad or pulling away he said he was just tired from work and it wasn't me etc. Or he would try to make things better then.

At work he moves rocks all day in a quarry from 6am-4:30pm M-F and 6am-12pm Saturdays - almost no human contact. NOTHING against this but it just gives a person a lot of time to think alone. (I think it's great he loves his job but I feel like it his harmful to his thinking sometimes. He dreamed about being a cop in college, however, but never worked for that goal). He has only had a job at this quarry during the summers. Didn't work during college. So he was used to having A LOT of free time when I was always busy. He said he would work Sundays if he could - he knew I didn't like that idea. He also said that he didn't want to turn 24 because that is too old.

I would describe myself as a go-getter and constantly striving for stuff. I don't know if my personality wore him down at all either but we always seemed to work throughout college...I always tried to help him with things. I also know that I need to work on my temper sometimes too - I'm not perfect - no one is...he wasn't either. I thought we accepted our "flaws".

What happened?? Did the living and abortion fights scare him off? We have had big fights before (mainly because he hurt me or did something wrong) but we always worked it out...he has NEVER started an argument with me before so was this all bottled up over the years? He said he would never love me again.

I just wish he would have told me in March or before August at least!! There was no direct or effective communication

He says he has NO idea why he fell out of love with me. I asked him about all of the fights etc. and he said those weren't the reasons. He said I am great and beautiful but he doesn't love me at all and when he is around me he feels nothing and is relieved it's finally over. He keeps saying he doesn't know why this happened and none of what I stated above is the reasoning.

Oh yeah and he NEVER told anyone he was thinking about breaking up with me. He got no advice from anyone and usually he tells his best friend everything. EVERYONE was shocked and thought it was a joke we broke up. His parents cried and his dad has only cried 3 times in the last 25 years. He won't talk to anyone either about what happened because he said he isn't ready to or doesn't know.

(I was his first girlfriend (not first hookup etc. though). He was my 3rd boyfriend and 2nd long term relationship. My first LTR boyfriend from high school went to school 3 hours away and wanted to see other people eventually once we were in college.)

I feel like it got too hard and he ran away but I also accept that maybe we just weren't right for each other. Breakups are hard but I know we can each love someone else eventually (him probably sooner). Day of break up I begged him to stay. 2 days later I tried again. 2 days after that I said I don't want to be with you at all but I have some questions...he said he is relieved we broke up and is happy now (over a week ago he said this). He said he would be there for me if I needed questions answered and I said no I don't want to speak anymore. It has been 2 and 1/2 weeks since we broke up. We haven't spoken for 1 and 1/2 weeks.

I'm confused yet not confused but I wish he would give me answers. I'm sick of blaming him and myself. I don't want to be hard on either of us and I'm hoping that I can find peace and just let it go because it wasn't meant to be. I do miss how we used to be when we both felt the same way about each other. He is a good guy.

 

What happened? He says he has no idea.

[nicololi]

Could this be considered GIGS? I have listed reasons for why he might have wanted to break up but he said none of those were the reasons. He just said he fell out of love and doesn't know why. I am his first gf and he has bad communication skills...he kept all of his feelings to himself and then broke up with me. He claims there is no other girl (probably not true).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[ExpatInItaly]

He may have just outgrown the relationship, given your ages and the fact that you're his first girlfriend. That happens. He might have been trying to convince himself otherwise (hence the talk of engagement) but finally realized he needed to be honest with himself.

 

Of course, there's always a chance someone else caught his eye. I don't believe in "GIGS" as a syndrome, per se. I think people sometimes just lose interest and another person comes along and they decide to pursue that instead. That may be the case here.

 

The way he went about the break-up is odd and abrupt, which leads me to believe he's not being totally honest with you. However, it doesn't change the bottom line. Your paths and visions for the future were quite different.

[nicololi]

It's just so frustrating because I was having a hard time with him but I still never gave up on the relationship. Why did I care so much? when now I realize he didn't..sometimes I did get bored in the relationship but I cared about him and his core and not some shiny new guy. I was in it for the long haul.

[nicololi]

High school -> College: Gave up football and wrestling due to a small injury

 

In College -> Failed 2 classes and didn't graduate on time because he didn't sign up for his capstone before the semester started...

 

 

Graduation -> Real World: Wanted to be a cop but never did anything in college to make himself stand out then he got a job at the rock quarry he has worked at for 5 years. He hasn't had another job before besides working in a kitchen at college for 3 months

 

 

Real world -> Now: He dumps me