Miss my mommy, but can't talk to her

[Alwaysthinkofme]

When I grew up I loved my mom very dearly. She stayed by my side when I had hospital stays for my brain damage and health complications. I was told by both my Grandparents that she wasn't a great mother to me growing up, leaving me in diapers during a bust almost involving Child Services. My mother was a single parent who had me at 17/18 years old and lived with both my Grandparents. She saved a jar full of cash for an apartment, thinking it was just going to be the two us I was thrilled to be away from the fighting, lamp throwing and screaming. After moving, she brought down a guy from a different state online that ended up being very verbally abusive (would take me a long time to detail) and threw change at my head after my mother gave me snack money. (I didn't eat lunches at school, most came from teachers, class or from two pieces of bread with cheese from the back. I was hoping to eat lunch that day, but made me give it to him.) She started drinking and everything went down hill. I know deep down that my mother scared me away from her and she took it out of my Grandmother who she accused of "taking me away from her, babying me." I was failing in school and had D's and F's was slipping into deep depression (which ended up hitting me after I moved for 10 years, still battling it!) This is where I need someone to relate or something..

 

Depression has made me sleep most of my days away, weeks and months have past staring at a curtain. I felt very numb and would do nothing, starve and would only take sips of acid drinks while smoking. I would OCD and talk to myself about all the things that happened and I did this for months. It felt like I was standing still and everything/anyone around me moved forward. (My bf doesn't know about my depression while he is at work, he doesn't know everything about my compulsions and I could never bring myself to tell him.) I feel like I don't deserve him, he has a mom and dad who care about him, a sweet recent Sister in law and great family, but I feel like I have been going through some serious healing over the years also involving trying to remember childhood rape that involved chemicals and molestation. I have been doing okay, changed my diet, working out and avoiding bad foods..but this depression keeps going. I feel trapped in this body and have always felt that way. I am humiliated that I attempted to kill myself as a child, trying to jump out of a car and drinking 2 whole bottles of cough syrup..I tried to numb the feelings. My rapist was a neighbor next door to us, who came in through the ditch line connected out back. They tried to lure me into the side lot to rape me, but I backed away when they held out their hand and ran inside. Went to a pool party and he placed a sock over my face, I have been struggling to know what happened. Part of me asks myself, do I really want to know? I was on countless drugs as a child and always felt numb or in a dreamy state of mind. I'v lied a lot to the ones I love the most to protect my image, so they would not know this illness. I have major trust issues in letting people know truthfully about me. (My Grandmother who does this compulsively, did this to me all the time as a child, as well stole random things from my room that I would find she used..I never knew what was true and what was not.)

 

My mom's birthday is around Oct and I use to love getting her all sorts of stuff, anything I could bring home and make her smile. I go to the store and see Halloween stuff, it breaks my heart and hurts so bad! I started looking at I miss you Halloween cards (I am struggling finacially) and wanted to get something, but apart of me is so confused emotionally..it ties between anger, fear and replays of what she would say. My mother remains determined that she had no wrongs, angry at me and called me on my birthday. We had not spoke for years and my last attempt to have something to do with her ended, when she brought up my medical past. My heart is breaking from this and its not even the middle of Oct, my mothers favorite holiday. I broke down this afternoon, I went to Walmart again and I had avoid the Halloween section all together. I'm breaking, please help?

Edited October 7, 2015 by Alwaysthinkofme

[d0nnivain]

Hugs. That is a lot for anybody to go through.

 

If you haven't ever had therapy -- talk therapy where you discuss your situation with a counselor not just happy pills -- please get some sooner rather than later.

 

Consider going to an ACOA meeting, It is a support group for adult children of alcoholics.

[Alwaysthinkofme]

Hugs. That is a lot for anybody to go through.

 

If you haven't ever had therapy -- talk therapy where you discuss your situation with a counselor not just happy pills -- please get some sooner rather than later.

 

Consider going to an ACOA meeting, It is a support group for adult children of alcoholics.

 

I had extensive home therapy, but the therapist in the network left and the only therapy office I know of doesn't accept my insurance. It helped a lot and I was able to speak to her about anything! The first one was pretty young and more professional and business tactic, so I wasn't able to really solve much of my issues that time. Thank you for posting and the ACOA suggestion, I'll be looking into it!

[d0nnivain]

Call your insurance company or look on line for therapists in your plan.

[bluefeather]

I had extensive home therapy, but the therapist in the network left and the only therapy office I know of doesn't accept my insurance. It helped a lot and I was able to speak to her about anything! The first one was pretty young and more professional and business tactic, so I wasn't able to really solve much of my issues that time. Thank you for posting and the ACOA suggestion, I'll be looking into it!

 

I second what d0nnivain said. Therapy sounds like the best option. Parts of your story remind me of someone very dear to me. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you continue your search for good, affordable therapy.