Propose to My Best Friend?

[highflight1985]

Hi all. I was just wondering something...

 

Is it uncommon for best friends (who never considered themselves a couple and have never done anything "intimate") get married?

 

To be a fair bit more specific:

 

I've fallen in love with my best friend. We'll call her "J." J and I...well, we've always been friends, and that's all we've ever been... Except, we have a bond that goes deeper than friendship....only, we've never been "an item." We even tell each other, "I love you," at least once every half-hour when we're together, and every time we say good-bye or hang up the phone.

 

When I met her, I had a feeling that she was 'the one.' I don't know why...it was just a gut feeling...an instinct.....ya know?

 

Anyway, I fell in love with her over the course of 6 months....but she never fancied me the same way...she's just always wanted to be friends. (So, she knows how I feel about her.) This nearly killed me: I almost committed suicide over it....don't know why....it just hurts more than anything in the world to love someone and not have them love you back in the same way...it feels like the worst kind of rejection imaginable...

 

Over time, I fell out of it....or so I thought...I at leat learned to live with it so it didn't hurt me anymore. We've had our rough times as friends...had our little fights...but nothing major.

 

Then I got interested in "Susan," and then "Shelley" just recently. With both, she got really jealous and really depressed. Every date I went on with Shelley, she called at leats once, sometimes more. She's also had her own small relationships, which I knew weren't going to last for more than a month; she likes the "bad boy" types and I'm not the "bad boy" type at all.

 

My relationship with Shelley ended rather rough, and/but things have gotten better between J and I. That is, we get along better these days.

 

I'm beginning to think that I may not have fallen out of love with her at all and that I just learned to deal with it...

 

I've just recently enlisted in the Air Force and I'll be leaving for Basic Training within a year. (Don't know an exact date just yet; waiting for that particular phone call...)

 

I find myself not wanting to lose her when I go into the AF. I mean, I've had friends in the past who went off to college and such--started their lives--and all we seemed to do was drift apart. We were never the same...In fact, I've lost contact with most of them.

 

I don't want to drift apart from her....I don't want to lose her. I mean, last night, she wrote me a short, but wonderful letter telling me how much she loves me and that, "I don't know what I would do without you." I don't know what I'd do without her, either.

 

I'm just 20 years old, she's just 18. I know that seems a bit young to be getting married, but we don't act our age and both her parents and mine got married at our age; mine just celebrated their 22nd anniversary last weekend and her parents are soon approaching their 25th. As a side note, my parents also started out just the same way J and I have--as best friends. I've known J nearly 2 years now.

 

I'm not planning on proposing right away, or even next month, but maybe within a year from now and definitely before I ship off to Basic Training. Advice?

[Craig]

Of course friends do get married and it sounds like you and J are friends. Have you shared your feelings or even hinted at your thoughts for the future with J recently?

 

Have you and J had any kind of romantic involvement? Not that it would be a bad sign if you didn't.

[observer]

You have never dated or had sex right? Don't think you should get married. She knows how you feel and she loves you as a friend if she wanted anything more she would have said something by now.

[moimeme]

It never hurts to ask. Sometimes the thought of losing someone makes a person realize just how much that someone means to them. I wouldn't start by asking her to marry me, though. I would, however, ask her if she could see you two as a couple.

[highflight1985]

Originally posted by Craig

Have you shared your feelings or even hinted at your thoughts for the future with J recently?

 

Outside of "I love you," no, I haven't told that I'm still "in love" with her. I'm afraid if I do, it would push her away.

 

Originally posted by Craig Have you and J had any kind of romantic involvement? Not that it would be a bad sign if you didn't.

 

If you mean kissing/foreplay/sex--no. We hug...even cuddle when she's having a bad day and needs comforting. Oh...well, there is the pecks on the cheek every-so-often.

 

Originally posted by observer You have never dated or had sex right?

 

Just curious: Why do you think sex has to come before marriage?

 

Originally posted by moimeme It never hurts to ask.

 

Oh, but it could! If I ask, there's the potential for it to push her away--even scare her.

 

This is the situaton I'm in: If I do ask, I risk pushing her away or scaring her off--and I lose her. On the other hand, she may say yes and I wouldn't lose her, and if I don't ask, I'm certain I'll lose her during my service to the Air Force. So, I'm potentially damned if I do, and certainly damned if I don't.

[Artifact]

I don't think it's any more risky to ask her if she sees you as a couple than asking her to marry you. In fact, it's probably less risky. Then, even if she is scared of making a life long commitment at this point, she still has the opportunity to begin thinking about your relationship in that way.

 

18 and 20 are young ages to get married, but I don't think too young to start entertaining the idea, making a commitment, etc. The more time you have to get to know each other, and the more time you have living on your own, the more likely it is you can form a good, strong relationship on understanding, respect, common goals, and friendship.

 

Best of luck.

[jmargel]

You two haven't been in a 'relationship' together yet. Take one step at a time. I married my best friend. But we exclusively became a couple for a year before the marriage first. We've had some rough times but we are both committed to it.

 

Don't propose to her because you are afraid you'll lose her. An engagement or marriage does not mean she won't stray (not saying she will either). She's only 18 and you are only 20. Engagements & marriages that start that early usually don't last. Trust me she's going to want to have her independence, to be able to live on her own and do her own thing.

 

What I would propose is that you sit her down, have a heart to heart talk about how you are feeling towards her. That this isn't just a puppy dog love, but a deep committed love you have for her. That you would like an exclusvie relationship with her as well. Be prepared though and tell her that you know she likes the 'bad boy' types and that you aren't one. That you won't change either. If she wants to be with you that way, set some ground rules as well. Sounds like she's been using you as a safety net while dating these other guys. You are always there for her. Good chance she'll say she wants to be with you because she's afraid of losing you when you go into the service. Tell her this isn't the reason why you want her to be in a relationship with you. She has to firmly understand the importance of all of this and so do you if you really want this to work for over your lifetime.

[ConfusedInOC]

I don't think you should get married. Your relationship is still platonic, not romatic.

 

Unless it moves to romance and true love, I don't see anything to indicate you should get married.

[agnf666]

What you need to do first is try to start with a "Romantic Relationship" before you ask her to marry you. So, your relationship moves beyond the friends level. If she does want to have a romantic relationship then I would do that for a while then think about marriage. If she doesn't then she just really wants to be friends with you. Asking her to marry you when the both of you are just friends that probably won't go over too well. You will probably lose her if that happens. Plus she is only 18. She may think she is too young to get married. Good Luck with this!