Confessing to an affair

[Angelita]

I’m just curious if any WS confessed to the affair and if you did could you answer a few of my questions.

 

Was it a onetime hookup or a long-term affair?

 

What made you want to confess, was it guilt or something else?

 

Do you think confessing was the best way to go about?

 

What was the outcome, did it lead to divorce or reconciliation?

 

Do you think by confessing you made it easier to salvage your marriage, did it help BS forgive you in any way?

 

And last how did you go about telling him/her?

 

Right I am thinking about confessing. It’s something I’ve been really thinking about doing for the last few weeks although I’m not too sure if I should. I don’t really know if it would help my situation at the moment.

[cocorico]

I’m just curious if any WS confessed to the affair and if you did could you answer a few of my questions.

 

My H did.

 

Was it a onetime hookup or a long-term affair?

 

Long-term - just over three years.

 

What made you want to confess, was it guilt or something else?

 

He knew he wanted to leave her at that point. So he told her he would be leaving, and why.

 

Do you think confessing was the best way to go about?

 

He did. He wanted her to know the M was over, with no possibility of reconciling, and telling her he loved someone else and was leaving to be with me felt necessary to him.

 

What was the outcome, did it lead to divorce or reconciliation?

 

He left, and filed. She did try hard to persuade him to stay, but his mind was made up.

 

Do you think by confessing you made it easier to salvage your marriage, did it help BS forgive you in any way?

 

She chose not to believe him.

 

And last how did you go about telling him/her?

 

He scheduled a time to meet with her to speak, with the kids out of the house.

 

Right I am thinking about confessing. It’s something I’ve been really thinking about doing for the last few weeks although I’m not too sure if I should. I don’t really know if it would help my situation at the moment.

 

What are you hoping to achieve?

[Got it]

I’m just curious if any WS confessed to the affair and if you did could you answer a few of my questions.

 

Was it a onetime hookup or a long-term affair?

 

What made you want to confess, was it guilt or something else?

 

Do you think confessing was the best way to go about?

 

What was the outcome, did it lead to divorce or reconciliation?

 

Do you think by confessing you made it easier to salvage your marriage, did it help BS forgive you in any way?

 

And last how did you go about telling him/her?

 

Right I am thinking about confessing. It’s something I’ve been really thinking about doing for the last few weeks although I’m not too sure if I should. I don’t really know if it would help my situation at the moment.

 

My husband semi-confessed? He was at the point telling her he wanted to divorce, she found evidence of the affair and so he came clean on it and gave her as many details as he felt were warranted.

 

He thought telling her head on like that would help the situation and move things quietly into divorce (not quite) as he was trying to handle things differently than how it went down when he found out about her affair some years earlier.

 

They divorced, no she did not forgive him, we are married now. And how did he tell her? Just started talking.

[Popsicle]

It interesting that some people confess because they are hoping to reconcile, and some people confess because they are hoping to divorce.

[Got it]

Okay I will speak for myself. I cheated, I did not confess, I separated a few weeks later and divorced.

[Angelita]

 

What are you hoping to achieve?

 

I don't really at this point. A part of me still wants my marriage to work. I still love him I just don't know or believe we could save your marriage anymore. So much as gone wrong that it seems impossible to fix it now.

[Bittersweetie]

I’m just curious if any WS confessed to the affair and if you did could you answer a few of my questions.

 

Was it a onetime hookup or a long-term affair?

On and off for about a year. Ended about 3-4 months before d-day.

 

What made you want to confess, was it guilt or something else?

I got an STD.

 

Do you think confessing was the best way to go about?

I could've kept the STD secret but I didn't want to lie anymore.

 

What was the outcome, did it lead to divorce or reconciliation?

The first year was rough. 5.5 ears later, we're still together and now have a son.

 

Do you think by confessing you made it easier to salvage your marriage, did it help BS forgive you in any way?

I suppose it did a little, but I think my actions more after d-day helped us move forward than the confession itself.

 

And last how did you go about telling him/her?

I said, "I have an STD." And things went downhill from there. It was, obviously, not an easy conversation.

 

Right I am thinking about confessing. It’s something I’ve been really thinking about doing for the last few weeks although I’m not too sure if I should. I don’t really know if it would help my situation at the moment.

 

Answers in bold.

 

I believe in honesty. I see now that my husband made decisions in his life based on what he thought was reality. But his reality wasn't real because I was with someone else. I took away his reality at that time.

 

We are in a better place now than we were before my A. Do I wish we got here on a different path, one that didn't hurt him as much? Of course. After the initial devastation we both chose to address issues and move forward. It's not a path that works for everyone, but it has worked for us.

 

Good luck. My d-day was literally the worst day of my life. And the only person I have to blame for it is myself.

[bathtub-row]

I don't really at this point. A part of me still wants my marriage to work. I still love him I just don't know or believe we could save your marriage anymore. So much as gone wrong that it seems impossible to fix it now.

 

Given my life experiences, I can hopefully help you out. If you believe your marriage has too many problems and that it's unfixable, then it is. And a confession of an affair will not make it magically get better, not even with time.

 

Your marriage is troubled. The best thing to do - and the hardest - is to admit that it's not workable and leave. If he's verbally abusive or controlling or manipulative, a confession will only give him fuel for the fire. I would personally walk away and never look back. I have stayed in a few relationships that I knew were doomed. All you're doing is wasting your life and theirs.

[turnera]

So much has gone wrong that it seems impossible to fix it now.

Like what?

[autumnnight]

I recommend confessing, but this way:

 

Tell your spouse humbly, and take 100% responsibility

 

Do NOT bring in any unhappiness or marriage problems. It will just sound like you are blaming him.

 

Go to sites and read articles. Go through a good book or two together.

 

Your responsibility is to your husband. If the two of you need additional support in a personal way, get it from face to face people you already know or a professional. Do NOT forge an online relationship with anyone as your main means of support.

 

That said, general, open forums are a great way to get additional, on top of everything else perspectives and support. But protect yourselves, your family, and your privacy.

Edited October 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BlueDress]

It was short. One kiss. I think he liked her longer than that but he didn't act on it.

 

He confessed from guilt.

 

I don't think confessing was best. I wish he didn't do it or if he had to he didn't tell me. I wish he just stayed.

 

He left. He filed divorce against my wishes. I wanted to work it out.

 

We could have worked through it. I forgave him. If he didn't leave we would have made it. He didn't want that though.

 

He came home after it happened. He told me. He left the next day. He told me he was sorry but he kissed her. He told me he didn't want to hurt me but he was broken because our marriage was broken. He couldn't live like that anymore. He had to leave he said. He did.

 

I wish I could cut that day out of my reality and tape together the day before and the day after that would have happened if he hadn't done it.

[Got it]

I don't really at this point. A part of me still wants my marriage to work. I still love him I just don't know or believe we could save your marriage anymore. So much as gone wrong that it seems impossible to fix it now.

 

My advice, for what it is worth, if you still love him, there is even a glimmer of it, you should try and fix it. You would be surprised what someone can overcome. I knew I was committed to divorcing because while I loved him like a family member, we had been in each other's lives since teens, I didn't love him in a romantic way. And I definitely didn't love him the way he deserved to be loved and hadn't for a long time. And he deserved finding a woman that did.

 

But if you do have any of that level of love for him, seek therapy, and see if there is anything you can do. You may find that it is lost, you may not, but when you get to the decision to divorce you will be comfortable with your decision and that you did everything possible to give it a fighting chance.

[bathtub-row]

Love does not fix screwed up people or screwed up relationships. You've got to do some soul searching and ask yourself if you still want the marriage, if things could really change, and is it really worth hurting him by confessing. Only you can answer those questions.

[Clay]

Love does not fix screwed up people or screwed up relationships. You've got to do some soul searching and ask yourself if you still want the marriage, if things could really change, and is it really worth hurting him by confessing. Only you can answer those questions.

 

Screwed up people fix themselves. They do this by being honest. Identifying the issues they have in there lives and working on themselves. Getting counseling if needed. The idea that you should just cover it up to make it easier for you is really disturbing to me. Telling your SO gives them the truth they would not have had access to any other way. It gives them a chance to work on themselves and see what direction they want to go in. It also helps them learn how to be more aware of these redf lags so they can avoid these screwed up people in the future.

 

I am a BS and sure I am one sided but I refuse to beleive people can't try to be better people and learn from there mistakes. We all make choices. So if it was me in her husbands shoes I would want to know. I would want to be able to keep focused on what reality was so I could distance myself from her and focus on my life. My xW thought this same way. It was just easier to TT me to death and even after the divorce to this day she still deny's she cheated. Had I known the full truth we could have divorced her sooner and moved on with my life. She kept me hostage believing our marriage was fine until she got caught one last time.

 

I know now the truth and can see she really needs help but do to the fact she decided to hurt me and my kids in such a cruel way there will never be a day that I will help her now.

 

 

Sorry about the rant and I mean no offence but the argument of lieing just really doesn't set well with me.

 

C

[William]

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[bathtub-row]

Screwed up people fix themselves. They do this by being honest. Identifying the issues they have in there lives and working on themselves. Getting counseling if needed. The idea that you should just cover it up to make it easier for you is really disturbing to me. Telling your SO gives them the truth they would not have had access to any other way. It gives them a chance to work on themselves and see what direction they want to go in. It also helps them learn how to be more aware of these redf lags so they can avoid these screwed up people in the future.

 

I am a BS and sure I am one sided but I refuse to beleive people can't try to be better people and learn from there mistakes. We all make choices. So if it was me in her husbands shoes I would want to know. I would want to be able to keep focused on what reality was so I could distance myself from her and focus on my life. My xW thought this same way. It was just easier to TT me to death and even after the divorce to this day she still deny's she cheated. Had I known the full truth we could have divorced her sooner and moved on with my life. She kept me hostage believing our marriage was fine until she got caught one last time.

 

I know now the truth and can see she really needs help but do to the fact she decided to hurt me and my kids in such a cruel way there will never be a day that I will help her now.

 

 

Sorry about the rant and I mean no offence but the argument of lieing just really doesn't set well with me.

 

C

 

This is assuming that screwed up people want to be fixed. I have yet to meet such a person. Good luck with that.

[Clay]

This is assuming that screwed up people want to be fixed. I have yet to meet such a person. Good luck with that.

 

Sad but I am sure you are right...

 

C

[Jersey born raised]

From your posts I think your husband has no idea about your adultery. Two thoughts:

 

First adultery never occurs unless there are major fault lines in the marriage and or the person. For example childhood sexual abuse or can cause adultery all on it's own. While this is true, it is never a reason or excuss for adultery.

 

Second he will find out at some point in time. Obe of your friends will let it slip post divorce. Bet on it. Perhaps you should plan on telling him, but first tell those family members or friends that are rational and while telling him also tell him who knows.

 

You have no idea of the wound to his heart and soul you have inflicted on him. Like losing a parent or a child it never heals, you only learn to accept, cope and endure.

 

His knee jerk reaction is to want to reconcile. If you want to as well first study what he will go though and be there to help and support - not to get what you want.

 

Finally your AP is one or two type. Broken who will do to you what he did to his wife or a player. I would bet he has guided you on how to set up a secret email account, how to delete browser history, perhaps a burner phone, emailing from work, etc. All the time in the guise of protecting the kids.

Edited October 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jersey born raised]

I've been re-reading many of your prior posts and keep coming back to your thoughts on his work schedule. Humans seek to validate themselves and prove their worth in many ways. You don't understand why he will not hear you on this subject. I suggest he feels that without what the work represents in his mind he us worthless.

 

You are actually suggesting to him to be worthless. In his mind how can he save a marriage if he is worthless. How does a man show his wife her current physical appearance means nothing to him. He reduse to comment on it at all.

 

How many women start affairs because their husbands never "notice" them? Not that it is not often true, but what does she feel when she see the pain in the husband eyes, and realizes all her AP sees is the shape of her body?

 

Finally been that guy twice. First my lack of a good job blew up my first love. The second was one issue that led to my divorce.

 

When I first discovered the affair, I offered end it cold turkey and work on the marrsige period. She couldn't end it then, so I ended us. Basically one conversation. Never asked again, never looked back. No kids so it was easy.

I know nothing of her life since.

 

My point is I would have died trying. She never tried when it mattered.

[Angelita]

Given my life experiences, I can hopefully help you out. If you believe your marriage has too many problems and that it's unfixable, then it is. And a confession of an affair will not make it magically get better, not even with time.

 

Your marriage is troubled. The best thing to do - and the hardest - is to admit that it's not workable and leave. If he's verbally abusive or controlling or manipulative, a confession will only give him fuel for the fire. I would personally walk away and never look back. I have stayed in a few relationships that I knew were doomed. All you're doing is wasting your life and theirs.

 

 

 

I’ve just been told so many times on this board the only way I have a chance of repairing my marriage is if I confess. A part me is staring to believe that.

 

 

 

As for my marriage sometimes like now I do feel like our marriage is beyond the point of fixing. Other times it seems like our problems are small compared to what other couples go through. Honesty I don’t even know how he see or feels about the current state of our marriage. For all I know he could be ok with the way things are. He rarely talks to me about his feelings even when I try to find out by asking he completely ignores me.

 

 

 

Although I will say this about him I don’t want people to get the wrong picture about him. He isn’t a bad guy. He isn’t physically or verbally abusive, controlling or manipulative he has never anything to hurt me in that sense.

[Angelita]

Like what?

 

The fact that we live separate live. We don't do anything together anymore. For the last few years he hasn't wanted me involved with anything he's doing. He wants to do everything himself. Even when I try to help or try to do something together the more he pulls away.

 

Probably our biggest problem is a lack of communication. I feel like I am unable to get him to understand what need from him without him getting defensive. The both of us are kind of stubborn neither one of us likes to admit when one of us is wrong. That probably one of the reasons we have a problem connecting with each other.

 

One that hurts me the most is I don't feel valued as his equal partner. I won't let me help him with any of the household bills or any expenses we might have even when I try I get denied.

[bathtub-row]

My guess is, he's having an affair. Hiding financials from you, doing everything without you - these are not the actions of a man who's being upfront. At best, it sounds highly dysfunctional.

 

I think the way I'd get a conversation out of him would be to say, "I've tried numerous times to talk to you in the past, so if you refuse to talk now, then I'll take that as a sign that this marriage needs to end." That should get his attention. Or not.

[turnera]

Before you do anything, read the book His Needs Her Needs. If he's withdrawn from you, and you still say he's not a bad guy, odds are that he's decided you will not or cannot meet his Emotional Needs, so he's found other ways to do so.

 

You need to educate yourself on what a GOOD marriage should look like, from the book, so you can take a hard look at your OWN hand in your marriage looking like this.

 

I used to think that all our problems were my H's fault. Until I read that book, and realized I'd been hurting him or neglecting him in so many ways. Yet I still expected him to keep taking care of ME! Uh, doesn't work that way. Why should he?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Welcome back. First some posters are still reliving the drama and pain though their posts. Take it with a grain of salt, find any truth in the post and use it.

 

Are you separated, either legally or de facto. By this I mean live in separate homes. Look I have been your husband, sometimes a 2 by four is needed. Right now it seems like he just figures it is just the normal ups and down of marriage, but no big deal,

 

Your adultery is a big monkey wrench, that you need to deal with separately. Not fair he does not see these issues, but their will/might be times it is his turn to carry the ball.

 

My mother told me marriage is 50/50. It is about 60/40 then 40/60 and on some issues it is 90/10. I would suggest reading posts about OSF and the spouse's reaction. Would you give or expect your spouse to give up a really close OSF?

[jbrent890]

My guess is, he's having an affair. Hiding financials from you, doing everything without you - these are not the actions of a man who's being upfront. At best, it sounds highly dysfunctional.

 

I think the way I'd get a conversation out of him would be to say, "I've tried numerous times to talk to you in the past, so if you refuse to talk now, then I'll take that as a sign that this marriage needs to end." That should get his attention. Or not.

 

That has actually been touched upon in all of her threads, but she refuses to believe it. As much as I hate thinking the worse of the BS, I always felt that her husband has been having an affair of his own. I also believe that deep down the OP believes this, and is part of the reason she doesn't want to confess to her affair. It means her figuring out that her husband has done the same to her and she isn't ready to handle that revelation.