Ready to start NC, then he kissed me

[smile]

Ok so tonight was the night ya know... giving him the letter, starting NC ... it was all set. But you know what they say... you wanna see God laugh then make a plan. I get a phone call that his niece wants me at her bday party and his whole family is wondering where I am.

 

I was at my parents house and was driving over to his dad's house for the party when he called asking where I was because they were waiting for me to light the candles. Can you believe that? Why... but whatever.

 

So I get there and we had cake and stuff.. it was fun. Then he asks me to go with him to the bank so he can get my $ so I do and he winds up wisking me away to buy her a present. He coulda done that before... he waited for me. Anyway so we pick it out and wind up hanging out alone away from the party talking and laughing. And he keeps asking me to pick out movies he would like... it was a special 3 dvds for $25, anyway he said for me to pick which ones he should get because I know him so well.

 

So we go back to the party and while talking I find out he is sick of the partying and stuff going on. He is tired of shallow dumb drunk ppl and he wants to be alone. Funny he broke up with me bc he wanted that party crap and I didnt. He said I had him whipped and acting like an old person... turns out thats who he is!

 

Anyway so then he asks me to take the dog for a walk with him. So we walk, again away from the party ... asks no one else to come along (just like before at the bank) we talk about work and life and it hits me. I may be the only person he has who he can talk to about life... who even cares about real stuff. So I am thinking maybe we can do this on a time for you to pay your bill and catch up basis. I can still move on with my life but maybe just disntance myself instead of cutting off all ties.

 

So we head back to the house and his famiy hugs me goodbye and tells me not to be a stranger (I live 4 blocks away) and we say goodnight. He walks me to my car. WEIRD. Then he says it was nice seeing you again yada yada and he hugs me. A long hug...and goes on about how I look good and smell good. I say thanks... he says to take care and I wish him the same. Then he pulls back , looks at me , and kisses me. Like a bf/gf goodbye peck kiss.. on the lips. I acted like it was normal and said ok goodnight, and went on my merry way.

 

Why did he do that? I mean I am still ok with moving on and living my life and deserving more than the half relationship he was giving me before... but why the kiss? Why the quality time together?

 

I know I have to stay away and let him come to me, if that is what he decides he wants. I know I have to worry about me and what I deserve and not about what he needs... and I am so ready for that. But why did he do that?

 

Doesnt change my decision and perspective. In fact makes me feel more in control than before. Desired kinda. But the part of me that had given up on him loving me is starting to second guess itself.

 

Any opinions?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why wouldn't he do it, is my question. It sounds like a pretty typical and normal thing for him to do, given the relationship he feels you have. I know you told him how you felt, but when you were walking around with him talking and stuff - at that moment, what you said didn't matter. It was like it always was, and the 'peck' was part of that I would think. It sounds like he is ok with what you are doing, willing to let you go if you need to - and I expect he wishes he could give you more (hence the nice things he was saying, etc), and doesn't want you to disappear completely from his life. I think he does care for you. He just doesn't love you in the amount or way that you need him to.

 

You will have to do what you feel is best for you.

[smile]

In his defense, certainly not mine, I never did actually say the stuff about going away. I had it all in a letter I was going to give to him. But that letter was at the apt. and I never got there.

 

So... I just figured the not answering his calls and not calling him made him realize something was going on. He asked what was wrong with me the other day because I sounded like I was crying on the phone, I was. Latley I have been cold and detatched from him. And its good for me.

 

Yestrday made me miss him. Not to the point of falling back to needing him. Now I just miss him. I guess thats progress right?

 

A friend told me that maybe the death stuff is too hard for him to deal with, which he said, and he is keeping his distance until I am ok. He checks in everyonce in a while but getting too close to that scares him becuase he never fully dealt with the death of his mother. I dunno what it is but there are just times where it seems he wants it all back.

 

I dunno. I am not calling him or inviting him anywhere. Maybe thats the wrong thing to do but I dont think so. Right now I need to get out and live my life... get some experience. See whats out there,. build up my confidence and basically get a life. Then, if I find someone horray and if I dont and he wants me back I can at least have my own life to go to when he is busy or has band stuff or just wants to go out without me... which I finally realize is ok in a relationship.

 

This step is only making me stronger.

[smile]

One question.... should I still give him the letter? Is it important that I let him know I still love him and can't really "hang around" until he finds someone else? Do you think he already knows?

 

I mean is this space I have taken a sort of hint about that? I thought it was fairly obvious , but after the long walk and the kiss I am starting to second guess that. And would it make a difference?

 

SO, to tell or not to tell. What do you guys think ?