Awkward Situation with a long time friend

[AJ27k]

I have a female friend that I have been close friends with for the past 5 years. We met in college and almost instantly turned into a BFF situation.

 

About a year into the friendship, we had this talk. Basically we were both happy to be BFFs because it was nice to have a close friend of the opposite sex you didn't have to worry about turning into something more. We were like brother and sister, we openly acknowledged it, and life was great.

 

We are both 27 now and have both been single for a few months. Some odd stuff has happened to us in this period of time. One night she was so upset about a work situation, she stopped at my apartment and after calming her done she asked if she could spend the night. At first she was sleeping on my couch, but found it uncomfortable. I offered to take the couch but she said it was fine if we just both slept next to each other in my bed. I woke up the next morning with her arms wrapped around me. She mentioned later that day what an awesome feeling that was.

 

Another time shortly after that she came over to watch a movie with me, and fell asleep on my shoulder and kissed my neck a few times. Over the past few weeks this type of thing has happened multiple times. She also keeps saying she wants to spend more time with me as she just enjoys life when I am around. It has felt like we have been dating as there has been signs of subtle intimacy.

 

I am not sure what to do at this point. She is very attractive but it feels so awkward and weird. She has been a sister for me for so long and someone I always felt safe confiding in, esp when vulnerable, because I never feared she has motives to start a relationship with me. I love her, but as a friend. Part of me wants to get intimate with her and part of me is terrified that if I go down that path, our friendship will forever be changed. She even told me last week I am the only guy she wants to be around because I understand her and make her feel warm and at home. She is obviously hinting not so subtlety she wants a relationship with me, unless I am misinterpreting all of this. Am I?

 

So ya I'm so conflicted right now. I don't know what to do, any advice? I feel that I need to make a decision ASAP. I actually avoided her last weekend saying I had plans when I didn't because I wanted time to think everything through.

[Trauma_Luna]

I am in almost the same situation, except i am the one starting to feel something, believe me it's so weird for us too... i would feel so much better if i could speak with her about the topic, we are mature persons and i am pretty sure we can keep our friendly relationship. She has shown some signs of being interested too, but then cuts everything and make it clear we are just friends. I am going to speak with her soon, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, but i can't keep this longer.

Edited October 8, 2015 by Trauma_Luna

[Shanex]

Yeah many can relate to your story. Its hard to take a decision on whether you start a relationship.. Or leave it at that and stay friends. You either miss something or you eventually breakup later and lose a friend. Tough call. I dont think we can take the decision for you but you understood its tricky.

[buck3200]

You find love where you find it....

[bluefeather]

How do you really feel about her? Does she want a relationship with you or is she looking for a friends with benefits type of thing?

 

These are hard cases. The relationship is already changing, and there's pretty much no doubt that if you two go down that path, it is going to change significantly. I think if she is offering intimacy, you need to ask yourself if you wish for that kind of relationship. It kind of seems like no matter what you do, the friendship will be different now. Either you go forward with it, or you don't and it becomes "different."

 

I believe it is possible to go from friends to intimate to friends again, but it takes some serious work from both sides. Like you need to lay out ground rules before going in. I have been in this situation before, friends for a long time, but we both eventually felt the same way intimately about eachother. So we put it out there and acted, but first we both agreed that nothing further would happen, and we never became a couple. Amazingly, there was very little awkwardness after and we went back to being friends like normal, (except we now knew a little more personal details about eachother...). So if you want to try and see what happens, I would say it's possible for things to go ok, but that's definitely a risk, and I would only do it if the friendship between you two is very good and if you both are willing to stress-test your sexual emotions.

[AJ27k]

How do you really feel about her? Does she want a relationship with you or is she looking for a friends with benefits type of thing?

 

These are hard cases. The relationship is already changing, and there's pretty much no doubt that if you two go down that path, it is going to change significantly. I think if she is offering intimacy, you need to ask yourself if you wish for that kind of relationship. It kind of seems like no matter what you do, the friendship will be different now. Either you go forward with it, or you don't and it becomes "different."

 

I believe it is possible to go from friends to intimate to friends again, but it takes some serious work from both sides. Like you need to lay out ground rules before going in. I have been in this situation before, friends for a long time, but we both eventually felt the same way intimately about eachother. So we put it out there and acted, but first we both agreed that nothing further would happen, and we never became a couple. Amazingly, there was very little awkwardness after and we went back to being friends like normal, (except we now knew a little more personal details about eachother...). So if you want to try and see what happens, I would say it's possible for things to go ok, but that's definitely a risk, and I would only do it if the friendship between you two is very good and if you both are willing to stress-test your sexual emotions.

 

That is kind of the problem, I don't know what I really want. There are two man forces. One, from a physical stand point she is very attractive and I have always thought that throughout our close friendship. Always felt she was one of the most gorgeous people I knew. That makes me want to get intimate with her.

 

The other force is we have been friends so long and I really like having her as a sister/BFF because she is the first person I will turn to if I need advice, am stressed, need help, or need to confide in someone with a personal situation I don't feel comfortable talking to. I am 27 now, and really she is the only female my entire life I have had this extremely close best friendship with. Other female friends, one of us always wants something more in the friendships. I know it will change the minute I mutually get intimate with her.

 

So I think I really need to figure this out before I do anything and really I don't have a clue right now since I keep going back and forth.

 

You are right, the friendship has already changed. But how much change is too much? I don't know.

[PaperCrane]

Yeah many can relate to your story. Its hard to take a decision on whether you start a relationship.. Or leave it at that and stay friends. You either miss something or you eventually breakup later and lose a friend. Tough call. I dont think we can take the decision for you but you understood its tricky.

 

Problem here is, most people can't reconcile back to just friends after the ignition to the feelings fire has started. Either way, in reality, the friendship will end. Either through trying a relationship or through eventual resentment. Not always but most of the time.

 

The other force is we have been friends so long and I really like having her as a sister/BFF because she is the first person I will turn to if I need advice, am stressed, need help, or need to confide in someone with a personal situation I don't feel comfortable talking to. I am 27 now, and really she is the only female my entire life I have had this extremely close best friendship with. Other female friends, one of us always wants something more in the friendships. I know it will change the minute I mutually get intimate with her.

 

This is how men really fall in love with a woman, when we can open up and be vulnerable with a girl and want her intimately that little spark of love comes to life. We are very guarded with emotions so when we can do this with a female, that's where the trouble begins. You may even find it difficult to open up to an actual gf with her in your life. Delicate ground you're treading and in my experience it is best to say or show exactly what you want from her.

Edited October 9, 2015 by PaperCrane

[preraph]

Well, one thing to be grateful for is that at least she's been crystal clear that she now wants to be romantic. It could be worse. She could be totally confusing and running hot and cold. She's running hot and being honest about it. You owe her the same degree of honesty back. You should tell her you're unsure about it. Be honest. Tell her that as a guy, of course sex is always an appealing prospect but that as a friend, you think of her more as a sister at this time and that you aren't sure you're willing to risk a friendship for it. Trouble is, she's already done that, so the friendship is now up in the air depending on what happens next. Maybe she's harbored these feelings all along; maybe she hasn't. Maybe she feels it's just gone on long enough and that she needs to see if it's going to happen or not so she can move on with finding a new man.

 

If that thought troubles you, then you do need to really be honest with yourself. If the thought of her getting a new man would actually be a relief, then I think you know this isn't going to work. If this becomes a real dilemma for the both of you that is causing you pain, I suggest you mutually agree to a separation for a few months and then agree to meet after that and see if this clarifies either of your feelings. In the meantime, date and she should too. See how much you miss each other. See if being apart takes the "sister" stink off her. You just never know. It might give you both a fresh perspective on each other. Good luck.

[bluefeather]

That is kind of the problem, I don't know what I really want. There are two man forces. One, from a physical stand point she is very attractive and I have always thought that throughout our close friendship. Always felt she was one of the most gorgeous people I knew. That makes me want to get intimate with her.

 

The other force is we have been friends so long and I really like having her as a sister/BFF because she is the first person I will turn to if I need advice, am stressed, need help, or need to confide in someone with a personal situation I don't feel comfortable talking to. I am 27 now, and really she is the only female my entire life I have had this extremely close best friendship with. Other female friends, one of us always wants something more in the friendships. I know it will change the minute I mutually get intimate with her.

 

So I think I really need to figure this out before I do anything and really I don't have a clue right now since I keep going back and forth.

 

You are right, the friendship has already changed. But how much change is too much? I don't know.

 

Your confusion kind of gives me the feeling you two are going to end up doing something eventually... Have fun be safe! It's possible that there is just a huge amount of sexual tension between you two and it needs to get out there. She definitely seems to be making it known, but once she gets the experience, she might either want to pursue a relationship or back off and be ok going back to normal. I would be aware of the chance that she may loose that feeling once it is done and make sure that I was ok with that too.

[AJ27k]

Well, one thing to be grateful for is that at least she's been crystal clear that she now wants to be romantic. It could be worse. She could be totally confusing and running hot and cold. She's running hot and being honest about it. You owe her the same degree of honesty back. You should tell her you're unsure about it. Be honest. Tell her that as a guy, of course sex is always an appealing prospect but that as a friend, you think of her more as a sister at this time and that you aren't sure you're willing to risk a friendship for it. Trouble is, she's already done that, so the friendship is now up in the air depending on what happens next. Maybe she's harbored these feelings all along; maybe she hasn't. Maybe she feels it's just gone on long enough and that she needs to see if it's going to happen or not so she can move on with finding a new man.

 

If that thought troubles you, then you do need to really be honest with yourself. If the thought of her getting a new man would actually be a relief, then I think you know this isn't going to work. If this becomes a real dilemma for the both of you that is causing you pain, I suggest you mutually agree to a separation for a few months and then agree to meet after that and see if this clarifies either of your feelings. In the meantime, date and she should too. See how much you miss each other. See if being apart takes the "sister" stink off her. You just never know. It might give you both a fresh perspective on each other. Good luck.

 

Thanks for this perspective, I read this post of yours yesterday and really started to think, maybe she has had these feelings for awhile. I also started thinking about if she starts dating someone, how I would feel, and I was actually uneasy with the idea. You got me really thinking, thank you for this!

 

I went further with this as we have a mutual friend that is someone close to both of us and I know my BFF tells this friend a lot about what she is going through, just not as much as me. The risk was she may tell my BFF of our conversation but honestly I am thinking, it seems like our friendship has changed regardless at this point.

 

I talked to this friend last night and just asked her if my BFF had brought me up recently, etc. Ultimately her confirmed what you said, she has been in to me past friends on and off through the past few years. So its pretty clear she has liked more in an intimate way for stretches for awhile now.

 

I had stuff going on last 3 days and haven't see her, but she has been texting me something wicked and trying to make plans or wanting to stop over to see a movie etc. We made plans sunday but I am leaning towards just taking a leap of faith and running with this. I am aware I may be seriously risking our friendship, but really if she has felt this way then I could already have been risked it or damaged it by not be mutual on these feelings.

[preraph]

I think as long as you feel good enough about it, you should take the leap. Surprise her by asking her on a real date, where you pick her up and pay. Go do something nice, maybe a movie, and throw your arm around her or grab her hand while walking on the sidewalk, and see how all that goes. If it seems to make her happy and she's being touchy a little back, by all means give her a big kiss at the end of the night and see what develops. I think you're right. The friendship has turned a corner. Yes, sometimes you can lose a friend by taking this road, but I know in my case, I didn't exactly lose a friend, but it just put some limitations on our friendship after the affair was over.

 

But this sounds like a good deal and who knows, maybe you'll just keep going and become a great couple. Keep us posted!