Latest news. W cheated

[Dela]

Hello everyone

 

I ve been away for a while, dealing with life and stuff..

The latest news:

-me and MM got back together in august after i broke it off in july

-it has been ok since then(until now)

-almost 2 months ago he stopped wearing his wedding ring (i didn t ask much because i agreed with myself that i will not bombard him with questions, but he did tell me then that something has happened at home that made him do that)

-he has been a little distant lately and last night he told me he found out his wife was cheating too(she started the same time he did with me). He knew this for 5-6 weeks and he decided to tell me now as to justify why he has been distant and what he s going thru

-he said that he started to have a little remorses for our affair, that he was not present at home to notice what happened

-he also decided that it s best if we end what we have now because he doesn t know what to do and when to do it, that he didn t tell her about us because he doesn t want her to use this with the kids if they divorce

-i told him good luck fixing your marriage and he said he s not sure he will do that, there s nothing to fix etc

-so we ended it, he will need time to figure things out and be ok again if he ends up divorced

What hurts is: the wife cheated and he broke up with me. What the **** did i do??

 

Thanks

[purplesorrow]

Hello everyone

 

I ve been away for a while, dealing with life and stuff..

The latest news:

-me and MM got back together in august after i broke it off in july

-it has been ok since then(until now)

-almost 2 months ago he stopped wearing his wedding ring (i didn t ask much because i agreed with myself that i will not bombard him with questions, but he did tell me then that something has happened at home that made him do that)

-he has been a little distant lately and last night he told me he found out his wife was cheating too(she started the same time he did with me). He knew this for 5-6 weeks and he decided to tell me now as to justify why he has been distant and what he s going thru

-he said that he started to have a little remorses for our affair, that he was not present at home to notice what happened

-he also decided that it s best if we end what we have now because he doesn t know what to do and when to do it, that he didn t tell her about us because he doesn t want her to use this with the kids if they divorce

-i told him good luck fixing your marriage and he said he s not sure he will do that, there s nothing to fix etc

-so we ended it, he will need time to figure things out and be ok again if he ends up divorced

What hurts is: the wife cheated and he broke up with me. What the **** did i do??

 

Thanks

 

Maybe he doesn't really want to see her with someone else. As he's not going to tell his dirt he probably feels he has the upper hand to get what he wants from her.

[Got it]

Hello everyone

 

I ve been away for a while, dealing with life and stuff..

The latest news:

-me and MM got back together in august after i broke it off in july

-it has been ok since then(until now)

-almost 2 months ago he stopped wearing his wedding ring (i didn t ask much because i agreed with myself that i will not bombard him with questions, but he did tell me then that something has happened at home that made him do that)

-he has been a little distant lately and last night he told me he found out his wife was cheating too(she started the same time he did with me). He knew this for 5-6 weeks and he decided to tell me now as to justify why he has been distant and what he s going thru

-he said that he started to have a little remorses for our affair, that he was not present at home to notice what happened

-he also decided that it s best if we end what we have now because he doesn t know what to do and when to do it, that he didn t tell her about us because he doesn t want her to use this with the kids if they divorce

-i told him good luck fixing your marriage and he said he s not sure he will do that, there s nothing to fix etc

-so we ended it, he will need time to figure things out and be ok again if he ends up divorced

What hurts is: the wife cheated and he broke up with me. What the **** did i do??

 

Thanks

 

Nothing, you didn't do anything. It seems like now that the shoe is on the other foot he got some hurt feelings about it. I guess what is good for the goose is not good for the gander.

 

Let him work things out within himself. I doubt this is the last you will hear from him but really take the time to assess what is best for you. I agree, you would think this would have made it a clear cut, come clean, and divorce action since they are on even playing fields. So why he thinks his affair would be used against him in the divorce is odd. Maybe he is playing the victim right now, not sure.

 

Either way the current actions are telling. So just sit back, live your life (and I am so sorry for the pain you are in) and just see what happens. You may decide that it is better to just leave him in the dust. He seems to still be very focused on him, solely him, and missing the full hypocrisy of the situation.

 

My AP situation was somewhat similar where he found out about his wife's affair, she was not remorseful but had ended it and was regretful, life moved on for a few years, we had our affair and when he decided to divorce, she found out about the affair and was very upset. The hypocrisy was missed with her as well. In fact to such a state that she started "forgetting" about her affair.

 

Anyway, please take care of you and realize being outside of this is a far better place than smack dab in the middle.

[Popsicle]

Personally, I'm glad his wife cheated on him and at the same time unbeknownst to him (<makes it especially rich). What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

Unfortunately for you, this probably means the A will end and you will be hurt.

[Dela]

Makes me feel as i don t matter... As i never did

[anika99]

I think he has done you a favor. By reading your past threads you have never been happy being the OW and you have been wanting him to make a decision for a long time. Well now he has, although he's still trying to convolute it by pretending that he's not sure if he's going to work on his marriage, but he has at least said he doesn't want the affair anymore. Now you can grieve and move on because he has been clear that he wants to end things with you.

 

As an aside, I don't know if his wife cheated or not. I know he says she did but an MM will lie about all sorts of strange things. However if he's telling the truth, how disgusting is he for staying with his wife and not coming clean about his own affair? I can just imagine him berating and shaming his wife to humiliate her and bend her to his will, all the while knowing that he is guilty of the very same thing he is using against her. He is a terrible human being. Be happy this sorry excuse of a man is letting you go.

[bathtub-row]

I agree with the other poster - he's quite pathetic. Most men still have the idea that it's ok for them to cheat but it's not ok for their wives to do the same.

 

Regardless, this was his golden opportunity to exit his marriage and he didn't take it. That tells you everything. Don't be surprised if he comes back to you after all the dust has settled. If I were you, I'd never let him back into my life again. His actions are not those of a man who values you. That's really all you need to know.

 

And this is why affairs are so bad for the OW. We end up feeling completely used and unloved; as if we never mattered. Lose this man like the bad habit that he is.

[norudder]

Before he was involved with me, xmm suspected his w had cheated once before while he was deployed but he swept it away. Then after he and I had started he found condoms in her purse and a pregnancy test in her dresser and sex toys that were never used with him. He was upset at first. Tried asking her. She denied. So he tried blind forgiveness since he was just as guilty. He's 'asked' about divorce but she won't talk about it. Appears he needs her permission.

 

She said just wait until the youngest is 18 in a few years. He said ok. Who settles for that? Especially when they claim to be in love elsewhere? Deeply rooted unhealthy dynamic. I couldnt (didnt) do it.

 

Shes said in front of kids shes leaving at that point. I read other posts of people staying in loveless sexless roommate marriages "for the kids" so I know it happens. But still HE won't say that he will initiate at that point. Wont make an honest plan to be with me. I don't know if he loves her enough to hope for a change by then, or if it's the money/lifestyle, or just fear. Same things we discuss over and over on this board.

 

You would think mutual affairs would be a catalyst for SOMETHING to change. But I feel like if that didn't do anything, nothing will. For a while that made ME feel like nothing. But he's just too blinded by his own issues to truly see me/give to me. There are just too many things that get in the way of him being honorable or being able to stand up for the love he proclaimed. Cowardice is selfish IMO. Its self protection. And some are just too cowardly to live authentically. Not necessarily bad people, (that'd make it easier to move on I think), but not stand up people.

 

Statistics show affairs are common and don't have to break a marriage. He and I were symptoms of unhealthy marriages. He just kept his while I didn't. Either way being the "other" isnt s good place to be for long.

 

His decisions arent about you. I know it stings because in a healthy R the decisions are made together and with consideration of each other. He's not in a place to do that so the next best thing to show he cared WAS to end it. Its the healthiest way forward one way or the other. All I can say is life will go on.

[Dela]

Thanks for ur posts

He told me that he doesn t want to fix anything, that he ll never be able to trust her again, that he lied to his face many times about the affair and he found out.

Also that he knows where to find me when/if he ll be ok and available for a normal relationship. I felt like he s breaking up

With me and giving me hope at the same time.

Yes i feel used and unloved. Like i didn t matter. Now it was his chance to get out and he didn t take it. As if he broke up with me and all his problems will go away...

He even said that he s not disappearing from my life, that we ll talk and that just This relationship what we had now had to end...

I don t know what to think anymore?

Will he forgive her? Will he stay there?

Of course i m hoping he ll get out and we can have something normal but i don t know at this point. It happened last night and i can t process all of it yet...

[norudder]

I don't like some of the all or nothing language we use sometimes. I'm guilty too. But I know I was valued just not in the way I wanted to be. I know I was loved just not enough or in the way I wanted to be. It was up to me to say this isn't enough for me. And to realizing someone not valuing me "enough" doesn't mean I'm not valuable. Sometimes I took away self confirming negative beliefs from posters... Of course he didn't love me, I'm unlovable, of course I'm not worthy of being valued... I'm a horrible person having an affair. I put way too much emphasis on external voices because I felt so sad and lost and mistrusting of my own voice.

 

I don't know if any of that is true in your case but I hope not. Nothing anyone says, mm or posters, matters in the reality of how valid you are as a human being.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for ur posts

He told me that he doesn t want to fix anything, that he ll never be able to trust her again, that he lied to his face many times about the affair and he found out.

Also that he knows where to find me when/if he ll be ok and available for a normal relationship. I felt like he s breaking up

With me and giving me hope at the same time.

Yes i feel used and unloved. Like i didn t matter. Now it was his chance to get out and he didn t take it. As if he broke up with me and all his problems will go away...

He even said that he s not disappearing from my life, that we ll talk and that just This relationship what we had now had to end...

I don t know what to think anymore?

Will he forgive her? Will he stay there?

Of course i m hoping he ll get out and we can have something normal but i don t know at this point. It happened last night and i can t process all of it yet...

 

So he wants you to wait for him? No way should you two be 'friends' and keep in touch. That means, HE wants YOU to be there for him, he doesn't care the affect it has on you emotionally. He ended things with you and that means he LOSES YOU. Not get to keep you in his life for when he feels like talking and hanging out. Notice how (I bet a lot of the time, even more so now) it's always ALL about him? Does he ever show concern for you? Seems like he doesn't.

 

Sorry you're hurting. I hope you heal well and try not to let what he's done ruin you.

[Mount]

I am confused again, why two OWs "Dela" and "Norudder" are writing their stories respectively (?) though in same thread?

 

 

Or I am not following something here?

 

 

Before he was involved with me, xmm suspected his w had cheated once before while he was deployed but he swept it away. Then after he and I had started he found condoms in her purse and a pregnancy test in her dresser and sex toys that were never used with him. He was upset at first. Tried asking her. She denied. So he tried blind forgiveness since he was just as guilty. He's 'asked' about divorce but she won't talk about it. Appears he needs her permission.

 

She said just wait until the youngest is 18 in a few years. He said ok. Who settles for that? Especially when they claim to be in love elsewhere? Deeply rooted unhealthy dynamic. I couldnt (didnt) do it.

 

Shes said in front of kids shes leaving at that point. I read other posts of people staying in loveless sexless roommate marriages "for the kids" so I know it happens. But still HE won't say that he will initiate at that point. Wont make an honest plan to be with me. I don't know if he loves her enough to hope for a change by then, or if it's the money/lifestyle, or just fear. Same things we discuss over and over on this board.

 

You would think mutual affairs would be a catalyst for SOMETHING to change. But I feel like if that didn't do anything, nothing will. For a while that made ME feel like nothing. But he's just too blinded by his own issues to truly see me/give to me. There are just too many things that get in the way of him being honorable or being able to stand up for the love he proclaimed. Cowardice is selfish IMO. Its self protection. And some are just too cowardly to live authentically. Not necessarily bad people, (that'd make it easier to move on I think), but not stand up people.

 

Statistics show affairs are common and don't have to break a marriage. He and I were symptoms of unhealthy marriages. He just kept his while I didn't. Either way being the "other" isnt s good place to be for long.

 

His decisions arent about you. I know it stings because in a healthy R the decisions are made together and with consideration of each other. He's not in a place to do that so the next best thing to show he cared WAS to end it. Its the healthiest way forward one way or the other. All I can say is life will go on.

[Dela]

I am confused again, why two OWs "Dela" and "Norudder" are writing their stories respectively (?) though in same thread?

 

 

Or I am not following something here?

 

 

It s my thread lol

I think she wanted to share her experience for me to learn something

[norudder]

It s my thread lol

I think she wanted to share her experience for me to learn something

 

Yep. Just saying you're not alone in experiencing their mm also being a bs. Support and encouragement to move on.

[Dela]

Thank u... I m just wondering if they will stay together...

Is he ever coming back(available)??

Why he ended it with me when SHE cheated and he had his way out?

Why do i feel like i didn t matter because in the end he chose to let me go?...

What now? Why he still wants to be in touch with me?

He said that he hasn t decided yet what he will do and that he still has doubts about whether he is making the right decision regarding us...

I m angry... He chose to hurt me and leave me

[purplesorrow]

Thank u... I m just wondering if they will stay together...

Is he ever coming back(available)??

Why he ended it with me when SHE cheated and he had his way out?

Why do i feel like i didn t matter because in the end he chose to let me go?...

What now? Why he still wants to be in touch with me?

He said that he hasn t decided yet what he will do and that he still has doubts about whether he is making the right decision regarding us...

I m angry... He chose to hurt me and leave me

 

In the grand scheme of things he didn't need to cheat nor did she have to cheat for him to have an out. He could have left simply because he didn't want to be married to her anymore. He didn't because he didn't want to. For whatever reason, he still doesn't want to. Don't waste anytime waiting for him. He is not a hostage.

[Gloria_Smellons]

Thank u... I m just wondering if they will stay together...

Is he ever coming back(available)??

Why he ended it with me when SHE cheated and he had his way out? because despite everything he's lied about up to this point he loves his wife and family and wants to be with them

Why do i feel like i didn t matter because in the end he chose to let me go? You do matter, just not to this man

What now? Why he still wants to be in touch with me? To keep the door open for the future

He said that he hasn t decided yet what he will do and that he still has doubts about whether he is making the right decision regarding us... He's been ummming and ahhhing about what to do for months, how much longer until you decide to make a healthy decision for yourself?

I m angry... He chose to hurt me and leave me

 

Two months ago everyone said that continuing any contact with this man would only cause you pain. If you had stuck to your original idea of NC you'd be well on your way to healing right now. How much more of this crap are you willing to take? And why?! Seriously... Why?!

[Quiet Storm]

MMs getting a wake up call. He thought he could cheat and neglect the marriage and his wife would remain content in her faithful wife role. He thought he had control of the marriage part of his life, so this has shocked him. Now he will need to focus on his marriage to get it under control again.

 

Just like he thought his wife would never cheat or leave him, he likely feels the same about you. He's so confident in your feelings for him that he knows you'll wait and will happily fill the OW role again.

 

MM like this are so self focused. In their minds, when they walk out their front door, they are pushing the pause button at home- his wife's feelings, her needs and her free will are not considered. Same with OW, when he leaves to go home, he's pushing pause on the affair, and his faithful and devoted OW is supposed to pick up right where he left off when he's ready to push "play" again. He doesn't consider OWs feelings, her needs or her free will, either.

 

It's all about him and his needs, and he does his best to manage both of you. That's what he's doing, managing the "roles" in his life, the parts people play. Instead of really caring about each of you as people.

 

My guess is he'll be calling once he feels that he's got everything under control at home again. You have to decide if you are willing to play the role he has assigned to you. Don't allow him to push pause on your life. You are a person with feelings, hopes, dreams and heartache (as is his wife). You deserve someone that actually loves you as a person and not simply for the role you play in his life.

[Dela]

MMs getting a wake up call. He thought he could cheat and neglect the marriage and his wife would remain content in her faithful wife role. He thought he had control of the marriage part of his life, so this has shocked him. Now he will need to focus on his marriage to get it under control again.

 

Just like he thought his wife would never cheat or leave him, he likely feels the same about you. He's so confident in your feelings for him that he knows you'll wait and will happily fill the OW role again.

 

MM like this are so self focused. In their minds, when they walk out their front door, they are pushing the pause button at home- his wife's feelings, her needs and her free will are not considered. Same with OW, when he leaves to go home, he's pushing pause on the affair, and his faithful and devoted OW is supposed to pick up right where he left off when he's ready to push "play" again. He doesn't consider OWs feelings, her needs or her free will, either.

 

It's all about him and his needs, and he does his best to manage both of you. That's what he's doing, managing the "roles" in his life, the parts people play. Instead of really caring about each of you as people.

 

My guess is he'll be calling once he feels that he's got everything under control at home again. You have to decide if you are willing to play the role he has assigned to you. Don't allow him to push pause on your life. You are a person with feelings, hopes, dreams and heartache (as is his wife). You deserve someone that actually loves you as a person and not simply for the role you play in his life.

 

 

Thank u. i like what u said.

There s no going backtobe the OW. that was the point i him ending this, as he said (we end THIS what we have now) and if or when he becomes available, he knos where to find me, blah blah.

The last thing he said when he left was "we ll talk"...

I know he didn t think his wife will cheat. that s why i m thinking he might forgive her because he knows he did the same thing.

He said he strying to figure things out and push her to confess everything because she won t. Also when i wished him "good luck fixing your marriage" he said he thinks there s nothing to be fixed, he would never trust her blah blah

He made me feel like **** when he said "i started to have remorses for this relationship, it was not a good choice what i did, it made me focus my energy and time elsewhere and i didnt see what was happening"

WTF. When did i become a mistake? Why is he feeling/playing the guilty victim role, when the wife started to cheat at the same time?? It s not like he was spending all the time with me and she felt neglected. She started her affair at the same time!!! It made me feel like he regrets being with me! I took it personal, althought i admit it was a bad choice to cheat in the first place and it was a bad choice for me to start this with a MM.

The only hope i have is seeing other stories that had a happy end because it seems when the OW is out of the picture for some time, things change, MM file for D, move out, etc...

I m trying really hard to move on and not contact him. I m angry and i want to tell him 1000000 things. i won t. it won t matter. it won t change anything.

i m just hurt because he had reasons to leave her but he left me...

[Quiet Storm]

i m just hurt because he had reasons to leave her but he left me...

 

It's not a you vs. her scenario, though. For many MM, they see their marriage as permanent and essential, regardless of whether it's unhappy, dysfunctional, broken, etc.

 

It's like a kid- you don't stop being a parent if your child is flawed and broken. You would try to be strong and deal with it. MMs deal with it by cheating, but this doesn't mean they want to divorce. Many MM see their wives as family, and even if the romantic relationship has broken down, they want the marriage intact.

 

OW often think- why does he stay if I am all these things his wife is not? The problem with that is that MM isn't comparing you two to decide who he's going to spend his life with. That's already been decided, in his mind. MMs goal is to stay married, but have an OW to supplement what's missing. This makes it easier for him to stay married.

 

I know it hurts but you need to try and let go of the hope.

[Dela]

It's not a you vs. her scenario, though. For many MM, they see their marriage as permanent and essential, regardless of whether it's unhappy, dysfunctional, broken, etc.

 

It's like a kid- you don't stop being a parent if your child is flawed and broken. You would try to be strong and deal with it. MMs deal with it by cheating, but this doesn't mean they want to divorce. Many MM see their wives as family, and even if the romantic relationship has broken down, they want the marriage intact.

 

OW often think- why does he stay if I am all these things his wife is not? The problem with that is that MM isn't comparing you two to decide who he's going to spend his life with. That's already been decided, in his mind. MMs goal is to stay married, but have an OW to supplement what's missing. This makes it easier for him to stay married.

 

I know it hurts but you need to try and let go of the hope.

 

 

I know it s not a choice between me and her. But he was so worried that if he divorces he will not be able to spend all the time he wants with the kids, and now that he really had the chance to end his marriage and be around his kids as much as he wants, he still didn t leave.

I ve been in an emotional hell the last months. Listening to him complaining on how he doesn t want to be a "week end dad" and he wants to handle the situation ok so they separate on good terms and so on and now i just sit here and wonder why he decided to end things with me... why when he had the reasons and the chance to be WITH me?

It s frustrating. i m trying to keep it together but i m so angry.

[bathtub-row]

The hard truth is, he ended things with you because you're lower on the list than his wife, kids, money, and reputation are. Those things will always trump you. This is not about your value as a person, nor a measure of how much he loves you. I say this all the time - that most men simply do not put the same value on love that women do. And when he makes choices we don't understand, we get blindsided.

 

For the examples you look at where the OW and MM end up together, the majority of the times, the MM ends his marriage pretty quickly after the affair started, and he almost always puts the OW and her feelings first.

[Tayla]

I see equality all around. Each person has cheated and chosen paths that did not serve the good of the relationships. Love is indeed blind, and sometimes sends wake up calls to remind us to be a bit more loving to ourselves in healthy ways.

 

I do not see this chap as any less then any other person involved in this triangle...each had an agenda...

 

A gentle heart is breaking and will heal in time....but please refrain from thinking there is innocence here...account and be counted. That is your gift to yourself in healing.

[ladydesigner]

(((Dela))) I'm so sorry that you feel like this. It's just awful how these MM act.

 

I am a current BS, but an xMOW. I had a revenge affair after I caught my WH grouping a co-worker at my birthday party back in 2008. I did not reveal my A to him until his Dday with MOW in 2012. My WH reacted exactly like your MM did. In fact he still, after my confession, lied to me about the seriousness of his relationship with MOW and denied that it was a PA for 6 months until I was able to pull all his deleted texts off his iphone. 2 years later I discovered I was in False R and he ended (supposedly) with her again.

 

Your MM may contact you again, but do you really want to be with this man? A man who is able to disrespect either woman at a moment's notice. A man who is so self focused he will do ANYTHING to make HIMSELF feel better at the expense of others.

 

You deserve better and I believe there are good men out there. I do believe your MM isn't one of those and neither is my WH.

 

Take care

[Got it]

I know it s not a choice between me and her. But he was so worried that if he divorces he will not be able to spend all the time he wants with the kids, and now that he really had the chance to end his marriage and be around his kids as much as he wants, he still didn t leave.

I ve been in an emotional hell the last months. Listening to him complaining on how he doesn t want to be a "week end dad" and he wants to handle the situation ok so they separate on good terms and so on and now i just sit here and wonder why he decided to end things with me... why when he had the reasons and the chance to be WITH me?

It s frustrating. i m trying to keep it together but i m so angry.

 

Oh honey, the more you can try and step outside of the situation and see it for what it is, the more you will realize it isn't about you, a definition of your worth, etc. It isn't about if you are good enough to leave. When someone is contemplating divorce it is about leaving the known for the unknown. And he has a lot of fears about the future, ones that you can see probably won't be that extreme but he is clinging to.

 

I had a similar situation where my AP had found out about his wife's affair. And when confronted she informed him it was over and basically suck it up. So he did. And decided they coparented well enough and he would stay for the kids. But then a few years later we started our affair. And even with him already sure he was going to divorce in the future, working through actually divorcing took him time. It is a hard equation when kids are involved. And there is the fear of the unknown that can leave someone paralyzed as well as just the comfort of what they know.

 

But think how pathetic this situation is. Here is a dysfunctional marriage if there ever was one and the two parties are STILL playing their roles. Ugh. Right now is this even a man that you want? He needs therapy, some time alone, and needs to figure out his life. I am sure he would like you two to stay connected but you have the power to decide that. You aren't the one locked into this charade, you have far more power than you realize. Instead of seeing this as him rejecting you, what about you truly evaluating him and his value as a partner. Is he really up to snuff right now?

 

He is going to stay predictable, that is the beauty of it. He will most likely stay in this rinse and repeat cycle for some time to come, he will be there, always available for some ego stroking if you want it. But is he really man enough for you? Naw, I don't think so. Not now. Keep walking. If he is quick enough and can catch up and you decide to take him back, great. But if not, when he does finally come aknocking you may just surprise yourself and decide he is now in your rear view mirror.