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[anika99]

I think this MM is jealous and possessive of his wife. He thought he had both women right where he wanted them. That he could call all the shots and neither woman would go anywhere until he decided he was done with one or the other because he is just so special. Now he sees his wife isn't just some useless piece of furniture that nobody else will want. He sees that she is attractive to other men and that she can find someone else besides him attractive. That must be a real blow to his over inflated ego. He doesn't want his wife to leave him and he knows he better start paying attention to her and his marriage if he wants to keep it.

 

Lmao at him saying he couldn't ever trust his wife again. Not defending his wife's affair, her choice was no better than his, but it makes me laugh when one liar and cheat judges another liar and cheat. OP this is a mess that you can free yourself of. Just walk away. It will hurt but heartbreak isn't forever. The longer you are away from him the better you will feel and the more clearly you will see this for what is.

 

Your MM feels remorse because now he is on the receiving end of what he was dishing out. He is hurt by his wife's affair and her choice to risk the marriage and the family for some action on the side but he knows he did the same thing. I doubt that her affair started at exactly the same time his did and even if she didn't know he was cheating on her, she no doubt felt the distance and disconnection. MM was so wrapped up in his own affair that he was clueless to what his wife was doing, wasn't even paying attention and now he regrets that. you are correct that if he was ever serious about leaving this would have been a great time for him to walk away without looking like a bad guy. Never mind his words full of mixed messages, his actions are saying he wants to keep the marriage more than he wants to keep the affair.

[Dela]

Thank u for all your replied and support. It means a lot to have u all and so many opinions from people who see the situation from the outside or have been thru all this mess.

His words mean nothing to me at this point. The only way he would see my face again is if he gets out, gets divorced and puts his **** together.

He called me today to see how i am... (Haha) i didn t expect him to contact so soon. If i remember well, today he is/was supposed to decide what he does at home. Of course it doesn t matter because he already made his decision with me. It would be ok if he can see things clearly now that i m not in the picture...

Anyway, he asked how i am and normal stuff, i answered short and had a normal tone(maybe a bit angry)... I know i shouldn t have answered. But it s fine as long as i play it cool. He broke up with me so i m sure he s not calling to get some...

I actually think it s fine(a little) that we "keep in touch" because i have a chance to be cool and show him i don t care, even if i m dying inside.

If he thinks i m going to show him i m waiting forever, he s wrong. I want to make him feel like he s losing me. Probably that s why he called, because i didn t text him at all since we ended it, didn t call or act crazy. Nothing like that...

Next time i won t answer. Maybe the other time...

[Gloria_Smellons]

But it s fine as long as i play it cool. He broke up with me so i m sure he s not calling to get some...

I actually think it s fine(a little) that we "keep in touch" because i have a chance to be cool and show him i don t care, even if i m dying inside

 

It's really not fine Dela, because contact with him continues to hurt you. It also keeps you on the leash. A lot of MM (from what I've seen here and experienced with my own) are creatures of habit. Once things have 'calmed' at home it wouldn't surprise any of us on this board if he came sniffing around you again. Then what? You get sucked in all over again and end up in this situation in another 2.. 6 or 12 months.

 

The BEST way to show him that you are cool and you don't care, is actually to be cool and not care. And the best way to do that is NC. Straight up, no nonsense, no mixed signals NC.

 

I do not believe that you can gain the perspective and emotional distance necessary to heal from this whilst he is in your life in any capacity whatsoever.

 

You are so young and there is so much out there for you (when you're ready), but it is all going to pass you by if you don't start shifting your focus. This means doing something different. You already tried to get out of the affair and remain in contact and it didn't work. Why not try a different approach?

[Dela]

It's really not fine Dela, because contact with him continues to hurt you. It also keeps you on the leash. A lot of MM (from what I've seen here and experienced with my own) are creatures of habit. Once things have 'calmed' at home it wouldn't surprise any of us on this board if he came sniffing around you again. Then what? You get sucked in all over again and end up in this situation in another 2.. 6 or 12 months.

 

The BEST way to show him that you are cool and you don't care, is actually to be cool and not care. And the best way to do that is NC. Straight up, no nonsense, no mixed signals NC.

 

I do not believe that you can gain the perspective and emotional distance necessary to heal from this whilst he is in your life in any capacity whatsoever.

 

You are so young and there is so much out there for you (when you're ready), but it is all going to pass you by if you don't start shifting your focus. This means doing something different. You already tried to get out of the affair and remain in contact and it didn't work. Why not try a different approach?

 

 

I hear you. The difference now is that i m no longer in the affair and i ll not go back again(obly if he will be available). That was the point of seeing him make a decision. I was never ok as the OW. I was never before ow. The reason i stayed in this was because i loved him and he stated that he would end his marriage and i saw an opportunity of a normal relationship with him. That s the only reason, that s all i wanted, something that can be normal.

I m a bit glad he ended it because now he gets to feel how it really is without me in his life and if he comes back it s because he wanted to, not because i was sitting around waiting for him in the affair.

As for me, i ll start my IC next week, i m having interviews and i will also start theaching at the university. So i have things to focus on right now.

I hope i will accept what happened and stop feeling so worthless just because he let me go.

I think every break up is different(the pain u feel) and i really loved this man with all my heart. But this particular one is even harder when there was an abortion involved...

[Got it]

I hear you. The difference now is that i m no longer in the affair and i ll not go back again(obly if he will be available). That was the point of seeing him make a decision. I was never ok as the OW. I was never before ow. The reason i stayed in this was because i loved him and he stated that he would end his marriage and i saw an opportunity of a normal relationship with him. That s the only reason, that s all i wanted, something that can be normal.

I m a bit glad he ended it because now he gets to feel how it really is without me in his life and if he comes back it s because he wanted to, not because i was sitting around waiting for him in the affair.

As for me, i ll start my IC next week, i m having interviews and i will also start theaching at the university. So i have things to focus on right now.

I hope i will accept what happened and stop feeling so worthless just because he let me go.

I think every break up is different(the pain u feel) and i really loved this man with all my heart. But this particular one is even harder when there was an abortion involved...

 

Dela, I think right now the limited contact is making it "easier" on you to have something. I think you will see you will need to wean yourself off because it isn't adding any value to your day/life.

[whatatangledweb]

He is not going to see what it is like without you because he is still contacting you. The contact gives him something and it gives you a little bit of hope. It would be best if you told him to not contact you until he is divorced.

[Chabella]

Dela,

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting and going through this, I know from experience how this feels. I went through something similar and I felt suicidal.

 

But trust me, you have to move on- let this guy go! Next time he reaches out to you- sound HAPPY And let him know you're Dating someone else!

 

This guy had the perfect out! But he's not taking it Why? Because HE doesn't want to. His wife had an affair THAT is driving him crazy! He's not going to let someone else get her! Funny how all of a sudden when someone else wants to play with your toy THAT'S the toy you must now play with.

 

And he can't continue with your affair, because every time spent with you will be time that he won't be able to keep tabs on her. That's what "I can't trust her" means. He now needs to keep track of her every move, that's how he'd rather be spending his time.

 

He didn't tell her about his affair - because the thought of her continuing her affair is not sitting well with him.

 

His actions speak volumes- you have to listen and take back your power! F him! Tell him your seeing someone and let him go. He's now just waiting it out to see if the wife will leave him for her affair partner - he's trying to win her back!

 

I'm sorry don't mean to be harsh but I would like for you to see it for what it is and continue on with your life. And don't feel like it's you because it's not! Like I said I was in a similar situation my guy actually took his wife back after two yrs separation and kept me around with lies. Never really told me she wad back home because they were together but that things between her and her boyfriend didn't work out and she needed a place to stay and after all it was her house too. She wanted to come back because she knew he was with me and he wanted her back cause he wanted to win over the boyfriend. People want what they can't have. Well she lasted three months in the home before she went right back to the boyfriend! Now they are divorced and I so wish I would have told him where to stock it!

 

Take care of yourself, love yourself.

[Lois_Griffin]

Makes me feel as i don t matter... As i never did

Well, here's the thing, Dela.

 

Most cheaters are extremely selfish and self-serving. What they do, they do to please themselves and no one else - with no regard for who they may be hurting.

 

But they assume while they're out satisfying their OWN needs, their blissfully unaware betrayed spouse is sitting at home keeping the home-fires burning, taking care of business, caring for the family, and eagerly awaiting their return - because THAT'S how wonderful they are. They're just so in demand.

 

It obviously knocked him off his high-horse to discover he isn't quite the gift to women he thought he was, and no one was sitting at home keeping the home fires burning and eagerly awaiting his return. Yes, it's quite the blow to the self-important cheater to know that the player has officially been played. No doubt, he's been begging his wife to reconcile, making promises to her about future fidelity, and trying his hardest to put that marriage back together.

 

It would truly be poetic justice if she divorces him and takes him for an extended stroll through the cleaners on the way to divorce court.

 

The next time he contacts you, I wouldn't give him the time of day. All he's trying to do is keep one small avenue of contact open with you because he'd like you to be a possible option in the future.

 

You deserve better and I think you know that.

[Dela]

Dela,

 

I'm so sorry that you are hurting and going through this, I know from experience how this feels. I went through something similar and I felt suicidal.

 

But trust me, you have to move on- let this guy go! Next time he reaches out to you- sound HAPPY And let him know you're Dating someone else!

 

This guy had the perfect out! But he's not taking it Why? Because HE doesn't want to. His wife had an affair THAT is driving him crazy! He's not going to let someone else get her! Funny how all of a sudden when someone else wants to play with your toy THAT'S the toy you must now play with.

 

And he can't continue with your affair, because every time spent with you will be time that he won't be able to keep tabs on her. That's what "I can't trust her" means. He now needs to keep track of her every move, that's how he'd rather be spending his time.

 

He didn't tell her about his affair - because the thought of her continuing her affair is not sitting well with him.

 

His actions speak volumes- you have to listen and take back your power! F him! Tell him your seeing someone and let him go. He's now just waiting it out to see if the wife will leave him for her affair partner - he's trying to win her back!

 

I'm sorry don't mean to be harsh but I would like for you to see it for what it is and continue on with your life. And don't feel like it's you because it's not! Like I said I was in a similar situation my guy actually took his wife back after two yrs separation and kept me around with lies. Never really told me she wad back home because they were together but that things between her and her boyfriend didn't work out and she needed a place to stay and after all it was her house too. She wanted to come back because she knew he was with me and he wanted her back cause he wanted to win over the boyfriend. People want what they can't have. Well she lasted three months in the home before she went right back to the boyfriend! Now they are divorced and I so wish I would have told him where to stock it!

 

Take care of yourself, love yourself.

 

 

Thank u so much for your kind words. u are absolutely right, i think the same way. he needs things under control at home, since he didn t expect this turn of events. i m sure his ego is hurt, because he s not THE MAN anymore...

i was thinking today, if i would have known that he is "into" betrayal, i would have cheated on him too (lol)...

tbh, all i need to "accomplish" right now is to make him think he s not THE MAN here too... because u are right, i need my power back.

 

thanks a lot. hugs

[Dela]

Well, here's the thing, Dela.

 

Most cheaters are extremely selfish and self-serving. What they do, they do to please themselves and no one else - with no regard for who they may be hurting.

 

But they assume while they're out satisfying their OWN needs, their blissfully unaware betrayed spouse is sitting at home keeping the home-fires burning, taking care of business, caring for the family, and eagerly awaiting their return - because THAT'S how wonderful they are. They're just so in demand.

 

It obviously knocked him off his high-horse to discover he isn't quite the gift to women he thought he was, and no one was sitting at home keeping the home fires burning and eagerly awaiting his return. Yes, it's quite the blow to the self-important cheater to know that the player has officially been played. No doubt, he's been begging his wife to reconcile, making promises to her about future fidelity, and trying his hardest to put that marriage back together.

 

It would truly be poetic justice if she divorces him and takes him for an extended stroll through the cleaners on the way to divorce court.

 

The next time he contacts you, I wouldn't give him the time of day. All he's trying to do is keep one small avenue of contact open with you because he'd like you to be a possible option in the future.

 

You deserve better and I think you know that.

 

 

hei Lois dear, thanks so much for ur post. very nice as usual it made me smile (poetic justice) lol

i would laugh my ass off if she leaves him for the om ) true poetic justice

i should go out with men and make him think i moved on. seems like not feeling in charge and THE MAN aymore makes him react.

it s day 3 here... i m having all sorts of emotions and i can t cry so much.

i m mostly angry at myself but i m trying to keep myself busy and just let it go. i always considered myself a strong woman but this situation has made me lose it for some time. i don t remember another time in my life when i felt so unhappy.

 

Hugs

[Chabella]

Dela,

 

You are so welcome! Yes, I know it's soooo hard right now and you are torn AND the not knowing and wanting to know what is going on with him is probably driving you crazy. BUT trust me the best REVENGE is being HAPPY WITHOUT HIM! Go out with your girlfriends and havr fun. If you don't have anyone to go out with join a meet up group and make new friends. Work out, get a mani pedi FEEL SEXY! Believe that you are all that and a bag of chips! Sure allow yourself some time to cry and mourn but then get over it.

 

And remember make him think you have a new guy that will through his balance off for sure cause he won't like it.

 

And when that day comes when he wants to start the AFFAIR again. Say no thank you, I've done better!

 

Enjoy your day, make it a great one.

[Sassy Girl]

I hear you. The difference now is that i m no longer in the affair and i ll not go back again(obly if he will be available). That was the point of seeing him make a decision. I was never ok as the OW. I was never before ow. The reason i stayed in this was because i loved him and he stated that he would end his marriage and i saw an opportunity of a normal relationship with him. That s the only reason, that s all i wanted, something that can be normal.

I m a bit glad he ended it because now he gets to feel how it really is without me in his life and if he comes back it s because he wanted to, not because i was sitting around waiting for him in the affair.

As for me, i ll start my IC next week, i m having interviews and i will also start theaching at the university. So i have things to focus on right now.

I hope i will accept what happened and stop feeling so worthless just because he let me go.

I think every break up is different(the pain u feel) and i really loved this man with all my heart. But this particular one is even harder when there was an abortion involved...

 

I'm feeling a sense of déjà vu.

 

Stop talking to him. 2 months ago you weren't k as the other woman, and yet you did it again.

 

You cannot be friends with this man. The best way to show him you do t care is 1. Stop talking to him

2. Stop caring.

 

#1 will help you with #2.

[Popsicle]

Thank u so much for your kind words. u are absolutely right, i think the same way. he needs things under control at home, since he didn t expect this turn of events. i m sure his ego is hurt, because he s not THE MAN anymore...

i was thinking today, if i would have known that he is "into" betrayal, i would have cheated on him too (lol)...

tbh, all i need to "accomplish" right now is to make him think he s not THE MAN here too... because u are right, i need my power back.

 

thanks a lot. hugs

 

 

You can do that but you won't be gaining any prize in this guy, and neither will his wife.

[Dela]

You can do that but you won't be gaining any prize in this guy, and neither will his wife.

 

 

Thank u Popsicle. I have no idea why in the last days i feel a mix of disappointment, anger and repulsion towards him. I only cried 2 times and i stopped myself. Maybe i m not processing my emotions ok?!?!

I also have a fear of him(him hurting me again) and everytime he pops in my mind i just reject that thought like it s the devil lol

[Popsicle]

Thank u Popsicle. I have no idea why in the last days i feel a mix of disappointment, anger and repulsion towards him. I only cried 2 times and i stopped myself. Maybe i m not processing my emotions ok?!?!

I also have a fear of him(him hurting me again) and everytime he pops in my mind i just reject that thought like it s the devil lol

 

You reject what thought?

[Dela]

You reject what thought?

 

 

him. i seem to reject him. although i m trying to understand his side too and make some sense of it, i feel a little disgusted by all of it...

[Popsicle]

him. i seem to reject him. although i m trying to understand his side too and make some sense of it, i feel a little disgusted by all of it...

 

I think you deserve better, no matter what his side is. I totally understand my xMM's side, it's very compelling. But me understanding it doesn't mean it works for me. You can't keep degrading yourself and lowering your standards for this man. It doesn't = love, it = the opposite of love.

 

You know, he knows how to contact you. You can always tell him to contact you should he ever get divorced and go NC and move on with your life. Until then he is just cake eating with you and will never budge. Why should he? It's comfortable.

[Christos]

Let me tell you the honest truth. I haven't read your previous threads or most of the messages on this thread. Still, the situation is clear, because i have seen far too many situations like this in my life.

 

Almost all of the married men, cheat for variety in their sex life. That's it. Not for love. Actually, one thing you can be certain of, is that 99% of a time a MM wants you, it isn't about love. With single men, you can have more doubt, they may actually want to love you...

 

You were just a fun thing to pass the time, to provide him with validation, and enrich his sexual experience. You were a thing, a source of sex and nothing more. No matter what he said to you, and all those "intimate moments" you shared, all he said were BS.

 

It takes a really flawed person, to be able to lie to the woman of his life like that and cheat on her. This person CANNOT LOVE. He lacks the capacity. It is an oxymoron to expect love from a MM.

 

So, just accept the fact that you were just sex for him, and move on. Stay clear of married men from now on. There are countless singles out there.

[Popsicle]

I think a more accurate way to put it, is that the only thing he can offer you is sex and saying ILY.

[Bufo]

To me who does not know him or you it seems like he wants you as his personal Plan B to see when it suits his fancy. That's not love and devotion.

 

Ask yourself what you really want in a relationship and then ask yourself if a relationship with him fills that bill.

[KayleBea]

Thanks for ur posts

He told me that he doesn t want to fix anything, that he ll never be able to trust her again, that he lied to his face many times about the affair and he found out.

Also that he knows where to find me when/if he ll be ok and available for a normal relationship. I felt like he s breaking up

With me and giving me hope at the same time.

Yes i feel used and unloved. Like i didn t matter. Now it was his chance to get out and he didn t take it. As if he broke up with me and all his problems will go away...

He even said that he s not disappearing from my life, that we ll talk and that just This relationship what we had now had to end...

I don t know what to think anymore?

Will he forgive her? Will he stay there?

Of course i m hoping he ll get out and we can have something normal but i don t know at this point. It happened last night and i can t process all of it yet...

 

I feel sad for what you are going through but do you really want to be with a guy who acts like this?? He lies. He has not taken any responsibility for his actions. He is directing his anger at his wife for cheating because it makes him feel better about his own wrong doings. He has a bruised ego. I can't believe that he has the nerve to be mad at his wife and yet he feels no guilt for what he has done. He has so many issues and I wouldn't want to be with a guy like that. I wouldn't be surprised if he told his wife about you and blamed you for leading him astray. That sounds like the kind of guy he is.

 

He told you that he knows where to find you if he wants a relationship with you. He wants a relationship on his terms... not yours! He has no respect for you. He knows that he has you wrapped around his little finger. You need some self respect. Tell him that you are not willing to put your life on hold for him.

[Dela]

Thank u for ur posts. It means a lot.

It doesn t matter at this point if he loves me or not, if he ever cared etc...

It s day 5... I must admit i did find some sort of peace since this is over. I expected to be much worse, but i didn t cry in the last 2-3 days. Had a good conv with my mom(she knows about him) and she asked me a good question:"why ru crying? What did u lose?"... And exactly, i didn t lose anything... Just the hope, chance for a normal relationship with a man i love...

I m not saying i m ok, i m far from being ok, but i m trying to take everything as it is.. Except from suicide thoughts i have all the depression signs... It makes me mad that i can t cry so that s why i guess i m not processing my emotions in a good way. I just keep everything inside...

Although he said we will talk(which would mean i can contact and he can contact-LC) i didn t text him anything and i m not going to. I m not going to give him the satisfaction to see me begging or something...

So when i m feeling down i come here and post and i read what u guys told me and i feel a little better.

 

Thank u. Hugs

[yodelwithyu]

Hey Dela,

 

I just wanted to say hang in there, and I am so so happy for you that you can talk to your mom. It is quite a blessing!

 

I just wanted to add that you should get help for depression even if you don't have "suicide thoughts." I am currently working to get some help again too. I had depression long before my disaster and through therapy and medication it was under control for a long time. You don't have to wait it out if you really feel depressed. Reach out, and someone will grab your hand and try to keep you from falling, I promise.

 

Love,

Yodel

Edited October 12, 2015 by yodelwithyu
typo

[bathtub-row]

I think you feel a certain amount of relief because you now know what he will do. This is a man who's trying to hold his marriage together, while maintaining contact with you. He's still on the fence but only in the sense that he's trying to maintain the status quo. In other words, he's dealing with his wife's affair, distancing you so that she doesn't find out about you so that he can play the victim. What he wants is for his marriage to stay intact, to get his wife to end her affair, and then to return to you and resume his affair.

 

He has yet to see the humor in this ridiculous situation where he and his wife were both cheating. He fails to see how screwed up his marriage is. At some point, you need to let him know that, no matter what, the affair is over; that you're not willing to be with a man who is that dedicated to holding his marriage together.

 

And please don't think that there's something wrong with you because you're not falling apart or crying every two seconds. You're probably still in shock, and you're probably still waiting to see what he will ultimately do. In other words, it's really not over yet in your mind.

[gettingstronger]

I am sorry this is happening- you have been through a lot with this man- he loves his wife for whatever reason and he is not going to leave- he has every reason to and has decided not to- he won't leave her- stay strong and take care of you-