Latest news. W cheated

[Dela]

Hey Dela,

 

I just wanted to say hang in there, and I am so so happy for you that you can talk to your mom. It is quite a blessing!

 

I just wanted to add that you should get help for depression even if you don't have "suicide thoughts." I am currently working to get some help again too. I had depression long before my disaster and through therapy and medication it was under control for a long time. You don't have to wait it out if you really feel depressed. Reach out, and someone will grab your hand and try to keep you from falling, I promise.

 

Love,

Yodel

 

 

hi Yodel. thanks so much for ur post.

it is nice to talk to my mom about it, but trust me, u don t wanna hear ur mom saying "i told u so" ))

 

i ll start IC on wednesday, all good here. i m taking some anxiety pills(natural ones), i m not under medication. i sleep well and started to eat ok the last days. i m trying to pick myself up and focus on me for a while.

i know some people may say we had this coming, we knew what we were getting into etc, but the pain is no different. i keep wondering less and less about what he s doing, how are things, but i calm down when i think "well, if he divorces he knows where to find me"

many people told me that once things get under control at home he will be back to lure me in the affair again. can t wait for that day so i can turn him down and tell him a piece of my mind (lol).

i think our minds are the worst enemy, so if we can control them a little in this situation and put some positive on that negative, we will be ok.

 

hugs

[Dela]

I think you feel a certain amount of relief because you now know what he will do. This is a man who's trying to hold his marriage together, while maintaining contact with you. He's still on the fence but only in the sense that he's trying to maintain the status quo. In other words, he's dealing with his wife's affair, distancing you so that she doesn't find out about you so that he can play the victim. What he wants is for his marriage to stay intact, to get his wife to end her affair, and then to return to you and resume his affair.

 

He has yet to see the humor in this ridiculous situation where he and his wife were both cheating. He fails to see how screwed up his marriage is. At some point, you need to let him know that, no matter what, the affair is over; that you're not willing to be with a man who is that dedicated to holding his marriage together.

 

And please don't think that there's something wrong with you because you're not falling apart or crying every two seconds. You're probably still in shock, and you're probably still waiting to see what he will ultimately do. In other words, it's really not over yet in your mind.

 

 

 

thanks for ur post.

how on earth can he move past her affair?

i get that he s playing the victim now, it s the best time of his life, i m sure.

but heck, they r both 2 liars and cheaters so i guess he gets it.

what hurts the most is him telling me that because he was with me he couldn t see what was happening at home. LOL. ru kidding me? she started the affai at the same time!! the way he said it made me feel like a mistake, like he was blaming my existence for his ****ed up marriage.

[bathtub-row]

For all the ups and downs of my long affair, the dealbreaker was when xMM went house shopping with his wife. That absolutely knocked my socks off. If there was ever a chance for them to split up, it was then. "Hey, you go your way, I'll go mine" kind of thing. But that didn't happen and that was the last nail in the coffin. To this day, he does not get why I was so upset about that. The only thing he remembers is that I was angry with him. And I never raised my voice.

 

I think you're right to identify this situation as the last straw. Without saying a word, he told you everything you need to know.

[Dela]

For all the ups and downs of my long affair, the dealbreaker was when xMM went house shopping with his wife. That absolutely knocked my socks off. If there was ever a chance for them to split up, it was then. "Hey, you go your way, I'll go mine" kind of thing. But that didn't happen and that was the last nail in the coffin. To this day, he does not get why I was so upset about that. The only thing he remembers is that I was angry with him. And I never raised my voice.

 

I think you're right to identify this situation as the last straw. Without saying a word, he told you everything you need to know.

 

 

hei. thanks for ur post.

so u also had a "last straw situation". man, i think they suck so much...

they r all talking how they would like to divorce and complain as being so hard and kids and everything, but when they have a chance they toss us and go back to the "miserable unhappy place"...

 

day 6 here i cried last night and today. it al started from a new pic she posted on fb of the girls and he liked it... the ones i can see there s no likes from him.. until now.. i know, it s stupid, but i guess there s no divorce coming when u "like" on social media..

i csn just imagine him playing the cheated husband, an inocent victim and she going over her head to mke him happy and to forgive her. that s the moment of his life...

and here i am, counting days and wondering when will this pass and why i was so stupid, while they play the happy family...

[sandylee1]

thanks for ur post.

how on earth can he move past her affair?

i get that he s playing the victim now, it s the best time of his life, i m sure.

but heck, they r both 2 liars and cheaters so i guess he gets it.

what hurts the most is him telling me that because he was with me he couldn t see what was happening at home. LOL. ru kidding me? she started the affai at the same time!! the way he said it made me feel like a mistake, like he was blaming my existence for his ****ed up marriage.

 

Lots of people get passed affairs or remain married.

 

Look at all those on LS and other websites. It depends how remorseful the WS is and how much the BS wants it to work out.

 

In some ways it's probably true that he could not see what was happening because he was busy making up lies to be with you and didn't see what she was up to.

 

Those times he skipped going to the seaside with her and the kids to be with you.......she was the last thing on his mind.

 

Even before you started the PA, he was probably detaching from her because of his desire for you. It's not just the day you guys slept together that the affair began.

 

He knows she can get another man, he'll have to pay CS/ S'S if they divorce and another man could end up seeing his kids more than he does. That's gotta hurt, but no matter what he doesn't tell her, he knows what he did and there could have been a new life from it.

 

I'm not suprised he feels guilty really.

[Dela]

day 8... i missed him so much today

what do u do when u miss them? i ve had 1000 emotions he last days and missing him it s the worst...

[yodelwithyu]

day 8... i missed him so much today

what do u do when u miss them? i ve had 1000 emotions he last days and missing him it s the worst...

 

Awww sweetheart, lots of love and hugs for you. Day 8 was super bad for me too. That is when I started my thread. Sorry I have been MIA. Few really bad days in between.

 

Xoxo.

[Adoraxx]

day 8... i missed him so much today

what do u do when u miss them? i ve had 1000 emotions he last days and missing him it s the worst...

 

Yes... missing him is not a good feeling . I wish I could give you tips but I even miss him when I'm keeping as busy as possible :/. I also hate the days where I'm not only missing him but also doubting myself and feeling confused as in 'was it my fault??? is it something I did or said?? Does he think I don't want to see him???' ugh

[lemondrop21]

hei. thanks for ur post.

so u also had a "last straw situation". man, i think they suck so much...

they r all talking how they would like to divorce and complain as being so hard and kids and everything, but when they have a chance they toss us and go back to the "miserable unhappy place"...

 

day 6 here i cried last night and today. it al started from a new pic she posted on fb of the girls and he liked it... the ones i can see there s no likes from him.. until now.. i know, it s stupid, but i guess there s no divorce coming when u "like" on social media..

i csn just imagine him playing the cheated husband, an inocent victim and she going over her head to mke him happy and to forgive her. that s the moment of his life...

and here i am, counting days and wondering when will this pass and why i was so stupid, while they play the happy family...

 

If you can bring yourself to block her on FB please do. You can always unblock later, remember that, and this action may bring you some peace. Or take a good long holiday from FB entirely, I'm not convinced it does anyone much good. Use the opportunity to call/text/email/hang out with your friends, all much more meaningful interactions than FB.

 

For what it's worth, I have NOT gotten the impression that they are in any way a happy family, and FB is a great place to try and make it look that way when things are at their worst. My MM's last extensive FB post was when he was on holiday in April with the family just before the A began. He made it look so great, when I know that at that time, things were incredibly tense between him and W, no sex since January (I do believe this to be true) and he was contemplating an affair.

[Dela]

Thank u so much for ur posts.

I woke up and saw the "consolation call" from him. He called me last friday also and it seems today also... "Friday consolation-i don t want u but let s see how u are-call". I didn t answer...

I don t feel like telling him how my days are(and say it s all good) when in fact i m angry on him for what he did.

Giving me a 2 minute call every friday won t make up for ur absence, buddy!!!

 

Hugs to everyone

[Dela]

If you can bring yourself to block her on FB please do. You can always unblock later, remember that, and this action may bring you some peace. Or take a good long holiday from FB entirely, I'm not convinced it does anyone much good. Use the opportunity to call/text/email/hang out with your friends, all much more meaningful interactions than FB.

 

For what it's worth, I have NOT gotten the impression that they are in any way a happy family, and FB is a great place to try and make it look that way when things are at their worst. My MM's last extensive FB post was when he was on holiday in April with the family just before the A began. He made it look so great, when I know that at that time, things were incredibly tense between him and W, no sex since January (I do believe this to be true) and he was contemplating an affair.

 

Hei lemon. I don t have her on my fb, i can just see the public stuff. No pics of them though. Just her and the kids.

I know people play happy life on fb but i would like to have 5 minutes to see all she has posted so i can make an idea if what he told me was true.

I still don t think that very miserable people will put pics on fb with a big smile, or kissing or holding hands.

We have some friends in common but i m not going to add her because he will see my name. Better not to know what the hell happens...

[bathtub-row]

Good decision not to answer his call. I'm really proud of you!

[Popsicle]

Hei lemon. I don t have her on my fb, i can just see the public stuff. No pics of them though. Just her and the kids.

I know people play happy life on fb but i would like to have 5 minutes to see all she has posted so i can make an idea if what he told me was true.

I still don t think that very miserable people will put pics on fb with a big smile, or kissing or holding hands.

We have some friends in common but i m not going to add her because he will see my name. Better not to know what the hell happens...

 

One of my best friend is very miserable in her marriage and does not love her husband, nor do they have sex anymore, but she puts up pics on Facebook of her and husband smiling. She cares about people thinking she's happy (image) and doesn't want people to be clued into the severity of their problems in the least.

 

But shee also is NOT going to get a divorce.

 

It is true that they are miserable, but that doesn't mean they are ready to divorce. That could take years or never happen.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

Yes... missing him is not a good feeling . I wish I could give you tips but I even miss him when I'm keeping as busy as possible :/. I also hate the days where I'm not only missing him but also doubting myself and feeling confused as in 'was it my fault??? is it something I did or said?? Does he think I don't want to see him???' ugh

 

Consider this -if he is just as into you as you are into him, he will be asking the same questions about himself, and having the same feelings.

[Dela]

Thanks girls

I don t really feel like talking to him anyway. To say what?

To lie that i m doing great? To ask how are things with his wife? How much sex they have? How is fixing going? No thanks!

I m not ready yet to chit chat with him. It s too soon and i m still angry

[NewLeaf512]

One of my best friend is very miserable in her marriage and does not love her husband, nor do they have sex anymore, but she puts up pics on Facebook of her and husband smiling. She cares about people thinking she's happy (image) and doesn't want people to be clued into the severity of their problems in the least.

 

But shee also is NOT going to get a divorce.

 

It is true that they are miserable, but that doesn't mean they are ready to divorce. That could take years or never happen.

 

I believe this 100%. It just doesn't make sense to me why people go forward in miserable situations? Who are they putting the facade on for? X

[anika99]

Thanks girls

I don t really feel like talking to him anyway. To say what?

To lie that i m doing great? To ask how are things with his wife? How much sex they have? How is fixing going? No thanks!

I m not ready yet to chit chat with him. It s too soon and i m still angry

 

Good for you for taking care of yourself and putting what you need to heal ahead of his stupid phone calls

 

You are right not to talk to him. He will only say thinks to cause you more pain and confusion.

[Dela]

Good for you for taking care of yourself and putting what you need to heal ahead of his stupid phone calls

 

You are right not to talk to him. He will only say thinks to cause you more pain and confusion.

 

 

Thanks for ur post.

When he called last week he asked normal stuff. how i am blah blah.

How the **** to be??? u just dumped me 2 days ago to stay with ur cheating wife! i m "wonderful"...

so this week i decided not to answer. i knew he will call. maybe next week....

[Dela]

I believe this 100%. It just doesn't make sense to me why people go forward in miserable situations? Who are they putting the facade on for? X

 

 

I can only find one answer for this. they like being miserable!

[Eagle's-bargain]

I believe this 100%. It just doesn't make sense to me why people go forward in miserable situations? Who are they putting the facade on for? X

 

They needs the security.

And they can't emotionally deal with being alone with one's true self.

 

How many people here on OM/OW, have struggled to deal with who they are? At least they're sharing what they think is real, or what is real with other people, than continuing the lie.

 

I can tell you in the infidelity forums people are struggling just as hard, but it seems, to me, that many avoid the reality and truth of the situation to "save" their marriage. I never thought about it that way until I saw what they would write. I never thought anything or anyone was worth saving at that point, then I realized they do it so they won't be lonely or to avoid "starting over."

 

When a relationship ends from deception or cheating, etc. people often look back and wonder, "Was everything a lie then!?" Imagine if you're reassessing the last 20 years of your life. No wonder they stay in horrible marriages and change the wording to "wayward spouse" instead of "cheating SOB/whore", imagine the toll his has mentality, especially on how their friends and family look at it?

[Quiet Storm]

My thoughts...

 

I don't think people like being miserable, nor is it always about fear. I think many people look at marriage as permanent and forever. Divorce doesn't even seem like a viable option to some people. They accept the cards they're dealt and make the best of it.

 

Imagine if you bought a house and planned to live there forever. It's perfect because you have horses and it has stables. The horses bring you joy. But the roof starts leaking, pipes start bursting and the furnace goes up. Some people would buy a new house. Others tolerate the brokenness and slowly fix what they can afford to repair. The benefits outweigh the liabilities.

 

Imagine your adult child falls into addiction and steals money from your purse. You can't stand what your child has become and they are causing constant drama in your life. Some people would cut ties and never forgive. Other people would never put their kid out no matter what. They tolerate the drama and misery because they love their child and can't give up on them. They were raised not to give up on family and the stress of abandoning them would be worse than tolerating it.

 

Imagine you've been working the same job for 30 years. It pays your bills, is close to home, you do the job well. You get a new boss who is a jerk. Some people would quit and find a new job. Others would tolerate the jerk because the job meets their needs in other ways.

 

We don't always make the most healthy choices, but that doesn't mean people are volunteering to be miserable.

 

Romantic love is not the only motivating factor in life. Many people have needs that are more important, and that's OK. There is no rule that says romantic love is the answer to happiness, or that the lack of it means you are resigning yourself to a life of misery.

 

I know a few older post menopausal women, who could care less about sex anymore. A divorce would turn their content and stable lives upside down. It would create pain for their kids and tarnish the legacy they want to leave behind. They'd be more miserable divorced in a small condo, than they would be staying married to their cheater husband. They don't really care that he's getting sex elsewhere.

 

I guess what I am saying is- different things matter to different people. One woman may feel that a romantic connection is the most important thing in life and will move across the country to be with her love. One man may feel that cheating is the ultimate betrayal and can never stand the sight of his wife again. While another guy may value an intact family over romantic love. Some spouses genuinely forgive cheating, looking at it as one page in the chapter book of their marriage. We all value different things.

 

So I don't think it's usually about choosing to be miserable or being afraid to leave. It's about weighing options and possible outcomes. It's about what a person values in life, and what they are willing to tolerate. Who are we to judge?

Edited October 16, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[Mount]

I guess following bold/highlighted statement explains why MM's wife knew MM had been tried to leave 5 times but always came back due to guilt or whatever reason; also knowingly (I assume) MM never ends the affair, despite she asks MM to end, but she does not end marriage or does something else to change/improve the situation either. It is like - life goes on, affair continues?

 

My thoughts...

 

I don't think people like being miserable, nor is it always about fear. I think many people look at marriage as permanent and forever. Divorce doesn't even seem like a viable option to some people. They accept the cards they're dealt and make the best of it.

 

Imagine if you bought a house and planned to live there forever. It's perfect because you have horses and it has stables. The horses bring you joy. But the roof starts leaking, pipes start bursting and the furnace goes up. Some people would buy a new house. Others tolerate the brokenness and slowly fix what they can afford to repair. The benefits outweigh the liabilities.

 

Imagine your adult child falls into addiction and steals money from your purse. You can't stand what your child has become and they are causing constant drama in your life. Some people would cut ties and never forgive. Other people would never put their kid out no matter what. They tolerate the drama and misery because they love their child and can't give up on them. They were raised not to give up on family and the stress of abandoning them would be worse than tolerating it.

 

Imagine you've been working the same job for 30 years. It pays your bills, is close to home, you do the job well. You get a new boss who is a jerk. Some people would quit and find a new job. Others would tolerate the jerk because the job meets their needs in other ways.

 

We don't always make the most healthy choices, but that doesn't mean people are volunteering to be miserable.

 

Romantic love is not the only motivating factor in life. Many people have needs that are more important, and that's OK. There is no rule that says romantic love is the answer to happiness, or that the lack of it means you are resigning yourself to a life of misery.

 

I know a few older post menopausal women, who could care less about sex anymore. A divorce would turn their content and stable lives upside down. It would create pain for their kids and tarnish the legacy they want to leave behind. They'd be more miserable divorced in a small condo, than they would be staying married to their cheater husband. They don't really care that he's getting sex elsewhere.

 

I guess what I am saying is- different things matter to different people. One woman may feel that a romantic connection is the most important thing in life and will move across the country to be with her love. One man may feel that cheating is the ultimate betrayal and can never stand the sight of his wife again. While another guy may value an intact family over romantic love. Some spouses genuinely forgive cheating, looking at it as one page in the chapter book of their marriage. We all value different things.

 

So I don't think it's usually about choosing to be miserable or being afraid to leave. It's about weighing options and possible outcomes. It's about what a person values in life, and what they are willing to tolerate. Who are we to judge?

[Quiet Storm]

I guess following bold/highlighted statement explains why MM's wife knew MM had been tried to leave 5 times but always came back due to guilt or whatever reason; also knowingly (I assume) MM never ends the affair, despite she asks MM to end, but she does not end marriage or does something else to change/improve the situation either. It is like - life goes on, affair continues?

 

It's just that we all prioritize things differently.

 

I notice for many OW, romantic love is often viewed as the most important thing in life and it's usually assumed that everyone (MM, BS) feels the same way. I just don't find that to be true for everybody, especially as people age and other things in our lives become important to us. It's important to me, but it's not the end all be all of life, you know?

 

An OW will often prioritize romantic love over other things in her life. She may feel cheating is wrong, she may be acting against her values, she may hate being an OW...but the benefits of the romantic relationship outweigh all that and make the downside worth it. So she will often tolerate all the crap that comes with being an OW. For love.

 

But when a MM tolerates a stale marriage, or a BS tolerates her cheating WS for the kids... they are often labeled miserable, afraid, weak, etc. There's this idea that the only joy in life that matters is romantic love, and if you don't chase it, you're doomed to a life of misery.

 

In my life, I know people who fill their lives with many things, such as activities, friends, hobbies, kids, grandkids, etc. A person can still feel fulfilled without romantic love or sex. So while a woman may feel betrayed and hurt about her husband's affair, staying doesn't mean she's miserable or afraid. Just like OW in my paragraph above, she tolerates the downside. If she's not particularly into sex with her husband anyway, and has been disappointed by him in other ways over the years, an affair may not be something that's important enough to change her whole life over. She's gets her joy from life in other ways.

 

Many MM view romantic love as worth cheating for, but not worth divorcing for. They have different priorities. Breaking up their family may create so much stress and heartache for them. They often can't stand the idea that another man might help raise their kids. These feelings are bigger motivators for them. Romantic love is an extra indulgence that they enjoy, but can live without.

 

In dela's situation, it sounds like this is the case. It's not that MM didn't love dela or that their connection wasn't real. It's just that their love and connection aren't the driving forces in his life. If you are a person who feels love and emotions are everything, it's hard to imagine that people can be content without it, and it's easy to draw the conclusion that they're choosing misery.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[Mount]

I am also referring "Eagle's-bargain" post below - the highlighted portion, that mentioned that those BSs had to endure the daily betraying in order to "keep" the marriage, whilst the MM's example is my case, which the MM already tried to leave marriage 1 time, 2nd time...5th time, and lately had challenged wife upfront in front of me being on the phone that he had to continue the relationship with me, but wife still does nothing despite giving him another "useless" ultimatum.

 

Not sure if I shall describe the situation as more "interesting" per say, or more "dull" now. Is really fun to live like that?

 

 

They needs the security.

And they can't emotionally deal with being alone with one's true self.

 

How many people here on OM/OW, have struggled to deal with who they are? At least they're sharing what they think is real, or what is real with other people, than continuing the lie.

 

I can tell you in the infidelity forums people are struggling just as hard, but it seems, to me, that many avoid the reality and truth of the situation to "save" their marriage. I never thought about it that way until I saw what they would write. I never thought anything or anyone was worth saving at that point, then I realized they do it so they won't be lonely or to avoid "starting over."

 

When a relationship ends from deception or cheating, etc. people often look back and wonder, "Was everything a lie then!?" Imagine if you're reassessing the last 20 years of your life. No wonder they stay in horrible marriages and change the wording to "wayward spouse" instead of "cheating SOB/whore", imagine the toll his has mentality, especially on how their friends and family look at it?

 

 

It's just that we all prioritize things differently.

 

I notice for many OW, romantic love is often viewed as the most important thing in life and it's usually assumed that everyone (MM, BS) feels the same way. I just don't find that to be true for everybody, especially as people age and other things in our lives become important to us. It's important to me, but it's not the end all be all of life, you know?

 

An OW will often prioritize romantic love over other things in her life. She may feel cheating is wrong, she may be acting against her values, she may hate being an OW...but the benefits of the romantic relationship outweigh all that and make the downside worth it. So she will often tolerate all the crap that comes with being an OW. For love.

 

But when a MM tolerates a stale marriage, or a BS tolerates her cheating WS for the kids... they are often labeled miserable, afraid, weak, etc. There's this idea that the only joy in life that matters is romantic love, and if you don't chase it, you're doomed to a life of misery.

 

In my life, I know people who fill their lives with many things, such as activities, friends, hobbies, kids, grandkids, etc. A person can still feel fulfilled without romantic love or sex. So while a woman may feel betrayed and hurt about her husband's affair, staying doesn't mean she's miserable or afraid. Just like OW in my paragraph above, she tolerates the downside. If she's not particularly into sex with her husband anyway, and has been disappointed by him in other ways over the years, an affair may not be something that's important enough to change her whole life over. She's gets her joy from life in other ways.

 

Many MM view romantic love as worth cheating for, but not worth divorcing for. They have different priorities. Breaking up their family may create so much stress and heartache for them. They often can't stand the idea that another man might help raise their kids. These feelings are bigger motivators for them. Romantic love is an extra indulgence that they enjoy, but can live without.

 

In dela's situation, it sounds like this is the case. It's not that MM didn't love dela or that their connection wasn't real. It's just that their love and connection aren't the driving forces in his life. If you are a person who feels love and emotions are everything, it's hard to imagine that people can be content without it, and it's easy to draw the conclusion that they're choosing misery.

[Quiet Storm]

I am also referring "Eagle's-bargain" post below - the highlighted portion, that mentioned that those BSs had to endure the daily betraying in order to "keep" the marriage, whilst the MM's example is my case, which the MM already tried to leave marriage 1 time, 2nd time...5th time, and lately had challenged wife upfront in front of me being on the phone that he had to continue the relationship with me, but wife still does nothing despite giving him another "useless" ultimatum.

 

Not sure if I shall describe the situation as more "interesting" per say, or more "dull" now. Is really fun to live like that?

 

But others could easily say, is it really fun to be an OW? Or is fun or the lack of fun a reason to divorce? Is fun a reason to cheat? Is fun more valuable than stability, or legacy, or happy kids? Everyone's different.

 

I can't speak on anyone's individual situation. But what I am saying is that we are all motivated by different emotions, and we value things differently. People make trade offs and sacrifices. They tolerate downsides. They accept what others may deem to be unacceptable. Whether they are OW, BS, WS or in any role in life. Life isn't just about finding "happiness". Sometimes it's about finding life's joy and happy moments, even in difficult circumstances.