Ran into him

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thank you for the insight. I'll get to work on feeling only hatred for OM

 

 

To be honest....your goal should be indifference.

 

Look at his actions....towards your spouse and family. If you are able to get to a place where you can see that the XMM offers only destruction...to yourself (your internal view of yourself) and your family....you just might find...giving him one iota of your energy is energy lost on building a positive life.

 

With indifference....the XMM and his car would not have registered with you..and you would have kept right on running.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Danni...that's not what we are saying. Get to work on healing your husband...and stop giving a damn about the OM.

 

He doesn't deserve one minute of your thought. Fill your thoughts with how can I help my husband heal...what can I do to help my husband know I will never do this again.

[aliveagain]

Remember this very important fact, other man has been given the same gift as you, another chance to make his marriage work. What does he do, he goes looking for you and attempts to pick up where you left off, to restart your affair. Can you see how broken that is? If he isn't cheating with you it will be with someone else, where's the magic in that? What is so f@#!en special about a dirt bag like him that you would have been willing to loose your family for some cheap, phoney thrills that meant very little to him? How would you ever replace the love that you have with your family. Don't waste the gift.

 

Your husband knows that you can lie and he knows if the opportunity arises and you think you can get away with it you will act on it. The only thing he will believe are your actions.

[autumnnight]

OP, is part of the reason that you "care" because you don't want "everyone to hate you"? Are you so...disgusted with yourself that your desire not to be seen as horrible by others might be in overdrive?

 

I understand this feeling. There have been times in my life where I wanted to stop the crushing crisis and stress by trying to make it okay for everyone and not be hated.

 

That is a futile and destructive cycle, and it just isn't possible. I found that a weight was lifted when I realized that there will ALWAYS, sadly, be people who hate you or think your a horrible. The only people who really matter are the people you are committed to and yourself.

[Danni2014]

Autumnight, thank you, yes that is a lot of my problem. I have a lot of work to do on myself first I guess.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Logging off now. God bless!

[S2B]

You'll be over this when you feel 'nothing'.

 

Feeling neutral is useful. When you just don't care it means that you have completely worked to the OTHER side of this.

 

 

Feeling anything is still handing him all your power.

 

Why does HE get to have that power over you?

 

Your power is yours. Don't hand it to him anymore. If you need help getting to a place of feeling neutral about him then seek professional help to get to that place.

 

You're allowed to tell him NO if he 'bumps into' you again. Send a clear message without any words...shake your head and step away. It's very simple if you practice shunning him. Then when you need to you will know what you intend to do.

 

Being prepared is half the battle. Have a plan - stick to it. Do not engage.

Edited October 10, 2015 by S2B

[singer23]

Yes I HAD genuine feelings for him, and I'll always care about him.

 

Does your husband know about this ?

[fellini]

You'll be over this when you feel 'nothing'.

 

Feeling neutral is useful. When you just don't care it means that you have completely worked to the OTHER side of this.

 

 

Feeling anything is still handing him all your power.

 

Why does HE get to have that power over you?

Your power is yours. Don't hand it to him anymore. If you need help getting to a place of feeling neutral about him then seek professional help to get to that place.

 

It's more likely that he does NOT hold power over OP. A WS can do all the outward things necessary, and as we have seen here, mistakenly think that converting the AP into a bad person and creating anger is actually more self investment IN the AP. The AP has no say in this. It is entirely up to the WS to let go.

 

But it is also easy to let go up to a point. And it is this harbouring positive emotional memories that keeps the investment, as small as it might be, and invisible as it is, alive.

 

You can work on "indifference", but really, "total indifference" is a state of mind, and comes about through letting go 100%. It takes time. Only OP has genuine access to how her thoughts and feelings of the AP are filtered, activated, and interpreted. Only she knows if she has created a safe dark space to revisit those emotions. Some people keep it in the head, others guard secret messages that were exchanged. Others visit Facebook to reactivate those memories. The power is, and always was in the mind of the WS. The AP is outside of all these strategies, although narcissistic hoovering, like putting himself in her path to reel her back in, is his issue, it shouldn't be hers.

Edited October 10, 2015 by fellini

[Danni2014]

"Indifference" is a good word. I was raised Catholic. After the EA ended, I saw a priest on my own, AND with my husband. Who advised us about not hating--how emotionally consuming it could be, and obviously how important forgiveness is for all parties involved.

So maybe that is where I am tripping up here.

Also, this summer my counselor was on medical leave. I see her again for the first time in a while this coming week. I foolishly thought I was further along in the process than I actually am. I'm sure my counselor will help me out.

Thank you again for your advice.

Now as I'm sure many can relate, my spending an excessive amount of time on devices/on line can trigger my BS, so I'm going to say bye for now. Have a good weekend!

Edited October 10, 2015 by Danni2014

[autumnnight]

"Indifference" is a good word. I was raised Catholic. After the EA ended, I saw a priest on my own, AND with my husband. Who advised us about not hating--how emotionally consuming it could be, and obviously how important forgiveness is for all parties involved.

So maybe that is where I am tripping up here.

Also, this summer my counselor was on medical leave. I see her again for the first time in a while this coming week. I foolishly thought I was further along in the process than I actually am. I'm sure my counselor will help me out.

Thank you again for your advice.

Now as I'm sure many can relate, my spending an excessive amount of time on devices/on line can trigger my BS, so I'm going to say bye for now. Have a good weekend!

 

Hate keeps something alive just as much as love

[merrmeade]

So as soon as somebody said she should hate her AP, I think everybody's antennae went up, including mine. At first I winced with envy, wishing my WH could work up some of that AP hatred. That's the BS talking, however, and I think the poster's suggestion really was from that perspective - ie, whatever hurts the BS, hurts the remorseful WS.

 

But with OP's shaky marriage and questionable support from her husband at the moment, the focus needs to be on her own mental health and integrity.

 

For myself I'm satisfied with little things. For example, faced with a choice of tea with a convicted serial killer or tea with the OW, we'd both pick the murderer.

[Mrs. John Adams]

For example, faced with a choice of tea with a convicted serial killer or tea with the OW, we'd both pick the murderer.

 

 

Merrmeade..you made me spit out my coffee!

 

You are right...I do not want Danni to hate anyone....but i certainly don't want her to like him...or feel drawn to him...or think fondly of him.

 

Now John on the other hand would go for the hate......

[nightmare01]

My WW tells me that she hates her OM. I think that maybe some part of her blame shifts responsibility for what she did on to him. IDK

 

I'm at about 60% belief in her hating him. About 9 years ago I found a email from WW to her GF saying she was "so happy" with her OM. We had a confrontation about that then, and I told her that if she was so happy with him, then she was free to go. We'd split everything 50/50 and she could run back to him. I would let her go easy and clear. She dug in her heels and clung to me like nobodys business. Maybe that thing she said to her GF was just talk. IDK. But there will always be some level of doubt in my heart.

[Mrs. John Adams]

For many years i felt nothing towards the om....but as i have come to understand remorse and taking on the pain i caused my husband...i have grown to hate the om. Not because i place the blame on him...but for the pain he has caused my husband. I accept the responsibility for what i did and the pain i caused....but he too hurt John. HE is responsible for the pain he caused.....

[nightmare01]

For many years i felt nothing towards the om....but as i have come to understand remorse and taking on the pain i caused my husband...i have grown to hate the om. Not because i place the blame on him...but for the pain he has caused my husband. I accept the responsibility for what i did and the pain i caused....but he too hurt John. HE is responsible for the pain he caused.....

 

It would be nice if my WW felt the same way you do toward her OM.

 

I hate him at such a level that if I ever saw him it would be very bad.

[Spectre]

I think it was disrespectful that you engaged this man in conversation. I think it is disrespectful you feel you OWE him anything. If you owe anything to anyone it is your husband and yet here you are worrying about giving this d-bag an explanation.

 

So I would say don't ever contact him again in any form. He doesn't get his explanation ever. If you see him? Keep on running. You are walking down the street and you see him walking? Cross the street, don't even acknowledge he was there.

 

Also someone said you should tell the OM's wife he contacted you. I agree 100%. Show your husband this truly was a blunder and do that. After all the OM is slime, you can't be sure he told his wife just because you told your husband.

Edited October 11, 2015 by Spectre

[Chrisstro6692]

"Indifference" is a good word. I was raised Catholic. After the EA ended, I saw a priest on my own, AND with my husband. Who advised us about not hating--how emotionally consuming it could be, and obviously how important forgiveness is for all parties involved.

So maybe that is where I am tripping up here.

Also, this summer my counselor was on medical leave. I see her again for the first time in a while this coming week. I foolishly thought I was further along in the process than I actually am. I'm sure my counselor will help me out.

Thank you again for your advice.

Now as I'm sure many can relate, my spending an excessive amount of time on devices/on line can trigger my BS, so I'm going to say bye for now. Have a good weekend!

 

Im glad that you and your spouse are working this out, but when you told the other person that you still cared for him, even if your telling us it didn't mean anything, it really does. You still have feelings for a man that you lied in bed with while you were married to another man who had committed to you, made vows to forsake all others for the rest of his life, and you told this guy you still had feelings for him. Your husband deserves better than what he is getting out of his wife. I don't know how all this came out about the affair, but if you really did love your Husband, which I think you do, you should tell him the truth. Right! I bet you told him that you hated it, every time the other guy stuck it in you, I bet you told your husband, it wasn't about the sex, LOL! You are luckly to have a husband who will tolerate cheating woman like you. You should have just flipped off the guy when he tried talking to you and kept going. All I can say is good luck to your Husband, for trying to make a future with you.

[Morro72]

Danni, after rereading this thread I wonder if you may have been too quick to dismiss the possibility that OM was driving around the neighborhood hoping to run into you. Having relatives in the area gives him plausible deniability but doesn't prove anything. Don't be surprised if it happens again.

[Popsicle]

I only read the opening post, not the replies, but I'm pretty sure everyone has said that you owe him nothing. And I might add that his sob story was just a ploy to get you to get back into an affair with him.

[Lion Heart]

I only read the opening post, not the replies, but I'm pretty sure everyone has said that you owe him nothing. And I might add that his sob story was just a ploy to get you to get back into an affair with him.

 

Agreed ^^^^.

Yes agree with YOU HAVE CLOSURE ALREADY.

NC IS closure.

 

You did the RIGHT thing telling your BH. Well done! Everything YOU do must be with the courage of a lion.

 

Defend YOUR M at all costs!

 

And if it was "only" an EA yet OMs BW has that AND the other to deal with then like anything baby you ain't responsible for APs issues WHATEVER they are! He can GO JUMP! Lol.

 

AP was trying to string you in again with an emotional plea. Discard. Done. Dusted. Old news.

 

You were doing so well until this hiccup. Don't let furthering thoughts take you off YOUR track for a blissful M. How dare OM!

 

I don't agree with the "hate him" talk. NO THING. Nothing should be what you aim for. Like he's a fly on the wall you wanna swat. Bam. Nothing!

 

Congratulations on your efforts so far in R.

Lion Heart.

[Spectre]

Even if you want to say since the OP played her part she shouldn't hate him, but thing is..he should also likewise be hated for trying to worm his way back into the OP's life, which is EXACTLY what he was trying to do. If he wasn't up to something he would of had zero reason to open his damn mouth and spew out at words at the OP. Of course it's utterly disrespectful she even allowed this man to address her, but meh..point is if he wasn't up to something he would of just left her alone, period.

 

If being a conniving little bastard who tries to get into the middle of your marriage again won't make the OP hate him then what in gods name will? Does this piece of trash have to kill the OP's puppy or something?

 

So actually now that I think about it? There is a red flag if the OP doesn't hate this guy for trying to pull this. I mean she should of kept on running when she saw this guys car..not stopped to chat. Then I see her tossing out excuses for the guy like "oh he has family in the neighborhood". Yep, and did he lose track of his family members and thus stop his car in front of the OP because he thought she knew where they were? They then discussed nothing but the location of his family members and then the OP went merrily on her way. Of course she didn't decide to leave until after this guy got to say his peace but..hey guys how disrespectful is it to expect the OP to avoid all contact with the man she cheated with? It's also especially sweet that he asked questions the guy had zero business asking and it is a good sign the OP was more then willing to make sure he understands she doesn't hate him. After all..this is about him and his feelings and it would be the worst thing in the world if this guy lived the rest of his life thinking the OP hated him.

 

So really..the guy she cheated with is actually the victim. Of course if it were me and the girl who cheated on me was out telling the guy she didn't hate him that would be all she wrote for the relationship, period. Wouldn't even matter if she truly didn't hate him, the fact she thought he deserved to know that information would be enough for the boot. It would tell me she still cares about his feelings, even if only slightly. Now I wouldn't abide by such disrespect and in fact her bags would of been packed by the end of the day if she pulled that, but the OP's spouse obviously has a much higher tolerance for boot marks on his back then I do.

Edited November 3, 2015 by Spectre