whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Let it go. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT reach out to exMM and offer him any apology or explanation. The A is over. He's a grown adult and knows exactly what damage the A caused himself, his marriage, you and your marriage. He was fishing and yes, trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad. Focus on healing and recommitting to your husband. Your exMM's feelings do not matter anymore, only your husband's matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoulStorm Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I have learned that for the most part, women are nurturers and they don't like leaving some things unsettled or undone. Especially if it's something they were directly emotionally involved in. I see that lots of women want "closure" after affairs. Some men do too, but not as much as women do. In affairs, there is no closure. It was something that wasn't suppose to have a beginning, so how can it close? It is best left alone, discarded and totally abandoned. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 Autumnight--thank you for your understand reply--i do feel that if I hate him, I should hate myself. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Autumnight--thank you for your understand reply--i do feel that if I hate him, I should hate myself. Self hate is never - NEVER - compatible with authentic recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Danni...you don't want to hate yourself hon....but you do want to hate what you have done. I think you do have to come to a place that you accept total responsibility for what you did...but at the same time....you also get to give him the blame he deserves. I am not one to say it is all his fault...but he too is responsible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Danni...you don't want to hate yourself hon....but you do want to hate what you have done. I think you do have to come to a place that you accept total responsibility for what you did...but at the same time....you also get to give him the blame he deserves. I am not one to say it is all his fault...but he too is responsible. Exactly. When we make destructive choices, it is good to hate those choices and do what we need to do to avoid ever making them again. But at this point, I basically thought belaboring how "awful" you were not to just calmly walk away and get it 100% right when you ran into him unexpectedly was likely to make you feel worse and not motivated (which may have been the goal, IDK). That was the main reason I highlighted Mrs. Adams' earlier post. It was balanced and compassionate and honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) Thank you! i do hate what I've done. But I clearly have more work to do! and always need to be prepared to "deal with him" if/when he reaches out again! Edited October 8, 2015 by Danni2014 Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 You have guilty feelings and feel like you owe him an explanation? Okay.. do those guilty feelings also apply to your husband, your family and his wife and her family? Do you think he feels any guilt and that he feels like he owes his wife and your husband an explanation? Things have been "tough" in his marriage because of HIM. He is the one that has been unfaithful.. twice. His has no consideration and issue wrecking his marriage and doing the same to yours. He's a child, a serial cheater and definitely shouldn't be anoyone's husband. He rolls down his window and asks if you hate him:lmao:. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I can't help but wonder if he is just being manipulative and I'm falling for it? Yes, he is being manipulative and your are partially falling for some of it. He will never let it go until you are willing to be rude to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Share Posted October 8, 2015 When he said things were tough he looked at me like he expected me to say the same. That was when I said I had to go and didn't reply to his statement.For my marriage It WAS tough, but better now. I had a great summer with my husband/family. Of course I feel guilty for what I did to my husband and AP's wife...but I see now I have more work to do in counseling about not feeling guilty for what happens to HIM going forward. If he gets divorced, well he had the opportunity to repair things with his wife and/or improve himself and failed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 When he said things were tough he looked at me like he expected me to say the same. That was when I said I had to go and didn't reply to his statement.For my marriage It WAS tough, but better now. I had a great summer with my husband/family. Of course I feel guilty for what I did to my husband and AP's wife...but I see now I have more work to do in counseling about not feeling guilty for what happens to HIM going forward. If he gets divorced, well he had the opportunity to repair things with his wife and/or improve himself and failed. yes.....go forward and do not look back...he is not worth one second of your time. Concentrate on your husband.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Just remember- Picture that your H had the A. How would you feel about him and the OW continuing contact? You did good in running away. the best thing to do would be to scream help! Police! That might make him think about trying again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 While the way you handled it wasn't ideal, I personally wouldn't be upset with my wife had she handled the situations the same way. The key being you communicated this with your husband right away. That ma'am is how you affair proof your marriage. Sharks are born swimming, pretty cool. Humans have to learn everything, your learning so don't beat yourself up, I think you did just fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I'll always care about him, does your husband know this? Because this would be a dealbreaker for me. Any positive thought about his OW and I. Am. Gone. REalize this is a person who was your accomplice in breaking your husband's heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 As I said previously, maybe "care" is too strong of a word. I'm saying I don't wish him dead or tragedy to his family 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Danni....i can assure you...your husband wants him dead.....so pick your words carefully. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Dani, I can assure you to this day I want the OM dead or a tragedy to his family.....I feel confident your husband feels the same way 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Thank you all for your advice! Good luck to you all in whatever struggles you face. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Danni....i can assure you...your husband wants him dead.....so pick your words carefully. Since she was a married cheater too....should she want herself dead? I think we have to be really care advising people who have cheated to hate their fellow cheater or wish them dead. Because we are also telling them how to feel about themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 After a 6 month emotional affair and several false starts at NC, we officially succeeded in NC in April of 2014. We are both married with kids, both of our spouses new about the EA and we both set out to reconcile. However, prior to the final NC, exAP made no attempt at hiding his feelings for me and telling me he felt discarded, how could I get "over him so soon" etc. I felt incredibly guilty, whether that was his intent or not. So my husband and I went to marriage and Individual counseling and have been in a good place for many months now. Maybe even better than before. I had lingering feelings of guilt for what I did to my family, AS WELL as exAP and his family. I didn't want to be the cause of their marriage falling apart. (Yea I should have thought about that before getting involved but...) So it's been 18 months no contact. Last week I was out running on a quiet street not far from my house and exAP drove by, turned around and stopped his car on the side of the road in front of me. (He does have relatives in the area so it's not totally random he be there). He rolled down the window and asked if I hated him. No, why would I hate you? He went on to say that he's thought about me every day. He asked how I was and I said I was good--how was he? He said things had been "tough" with him and wife. And he gives me this sad look that made me feel guilt stricken all over again, like I wrecked his life. I reiterated I didn't hate him, take care and I resumed running and he drove off. I told my husband who lost his mind saying exAP is manipulative and a psycho stalker. But he was glad I had told him. I haven't heard or seen exAP since (although I've been a little freaked out to go running). But the guilty feelings I have are back--like I owe him more of an explanation. Yes I HAD genuine feelings for him, and I'll always care about him, but I have no interest in rekindling anything and I want to continue focusing on my family and moving forward but now I just feel stuck. There's a part of me that wants to contact exAP and say, look, having an EA isn't a hobby of mine, there were real feelings there at that time, but ive clearly made my decision to work on my own situation. And when he says things are "tough" between him and wife...because of ME? still? (Note he cheated before with a different woman, and his wife knew about that also). I just want closure. I feel so unsettled and like I owe him a detailed explanation. But I don't want to give him any false hope, and I can't help but wonder if he is just being manipulative and I'm falling for it? Thoughts? Thanks in advance! This why after an affair and the WS and the BS are to attempt recover to ensure NC and to prevent triggers that they move far away from the AP. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 This why after an affair and the WS and the BS are to attempt recover to ensure NC and to prevent triggers that they move far away from the AP. I know this has become thelatest thing, but not everyone can leave their lives and families to move cross country. And no, it isn't necessary most of the time. OP, just keep plugging along. Like DKT said...you're not a shark...but keep on swimming. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Danni....i can assure you...your husband wants him dead.....so pick your words carefully. Well said. @OP: If your husband told you that there was a guy at work that, unbeknownst to your husband until recently, was secretly trying to destroy your husband's life, and that your husband considers this co-worker a hated enemy, how would you treat this hated enemy if he pulled over in his car to try to chat with you behind your husband's back? That is exactly how you need to see and treat this guy. Remember, the marriage that this other man is trying to destroy belongs to both you and your husband. You both need to protect your marriage from this enemy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 (edited) Last week I was out running on a quiet street not far from my house and exAP drove by, turned around and stopped his car on the side of the road in front of me. (He does have relatives in the area so it's not totally random he be there). He rolled down the window and asked if I hated him. No, why would I hate you? He went on to say that he's thought about me every day. He asked how I was and I said I was good--how was he? He said things had been "tough" with him and wife. And he gives me this sad look that made me feel guilt stricken all over again, like I wrecked his life. I reiterated I didn't hate him, take care and I resumed running and he drove off. I told my husband who lost his mind saying exAP is manipulative and a psycho stalker. But he was glad I had told him. You did right by telling your husband the truth about this incident, most people in your shoes won't even do that much for their spouse. As for the way you handled things, I couldn't really fault you much for that due to the fact that I'm sure you were taken by surprise and probably panicked a little bit. It wasn't handled perfectly but it's understandable given the way it went down. I haven't heard or seen exAP since (although I've been a little freaked out to go running). But the guilty feelings I have are back--like I owe him more of an explanation. Yes I HAD genuine feelings for him, and I'll always care about him, but I have no interest in rekindling anything and I want to continue focusing on my family and moving forward but now I just feel stuck. There's a part of me that wants to contact exAP and say, look, having an EA isn't a hobby of mine, there were real feelings there at that time, but ive clearly made my decision to work on my own situation. I don't believe you are truly 'over' the OM and it shows in the way you write about him. It's been almost a year and a half since you went NC and you still have these inclinations to reach out to him and console him. This would not ease my mind if I were in your husbands shoes. I do know it was wrong and if I could do it all over again I would do it differently. If I could do it all over again I wouldn't be in this situation at all. Maybe I should clarify when I say I want closure, it's more in the sense that this is completely DONE. I thought it was, but then this happened. When I say I care about him, its that I don't wish him any harm and I wouldn't dance on his grave if he died. I thought maybe more people on here may have had a mishap like this and could relate. Even moving across country isn't gonna bring 'closure' if the OM is still living rent free in your head. Plus your affair was an emotional one and since there's always emails, texting, phone calls and skype it's not like you can't simply reignite the affair at the drop of a hat from anywhere in the world if you really wanted to. There's a pretty vast chasm in between always caring for him and dancing on his grave. I think you were being honest the first time. If your husband heard you say that you'll always care about the OM what would his response be? Edited October 9, 2015 by Horton 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Even moving across country isn't gonna bring 'closure' if the OM is still living rent free in your head. Plus your affair was an emotional one and since there's always emails, texting, phone calls and skype it's not like you can't simply reignite the affair at the drop of a hat from anywhere in the world if you really wanted to. This is one of the wisest things I have read. Ending an affair and reconciliation is NOT just about outward behavior and outward environment. If the WS doesn't do the inner work and erase the AP from the INSIDE out....everything else is just a behavior bandaid and window dressing. It is amazing how many people don't see that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Danni2014 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Thank you for the insight. I'll get to work on feeling only hatred for OM Link to post Share on other sites
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